Authors: Lila Felix
I heard footsteps behind me and didn’t want to know who it was unless it was Nellie. And it wasn’t her. I would know her footsteps on a New York City street at rush hour. A
n older
man in a blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of gray pants sat down on the pew in front of me. I realized that I had been crying so I wiped them on my sleeve.
“It’s a shame to see this church empty on a beautiful Saturday in the summer.” He said in a voice that reminded me of a grandfather. Though I’d never met mine.
“It’s a beautiful church. There really should be a wedding here.” I said truthfully.
“I heard there was supposed to be one here today. Must’ve been mistaken.” He looked up at the ceiling and crossed his arms.
“Yeah, there was. Got cancelled.”
Nosey bastard.
“Nothing could’ve kept me away from my bride on my wedding day. I was more excited than she was. We would’ve been married fifty three years today.”
“I was supposed to get married here today.” I blurted out.
He turned around and he had gray eyes, almost as gray as his hair.
“Well, what happened?”
“I screwed it all up. She’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met and I let an old breakup influence my view of what we had. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve anything but the best. And she chose to love me. And I f—messed up.”
“You know what the great thing about messing up is?” I shook my head, not really in the mood for his silver lining crap. “The great thing about messing up is that usually, if you’re smart—you don’t repeat the same mistake again.”
“I wouldn’t ever repeat that mistake again. Problem is, I don’t think she’ll ever speak to me again.”
I didn’t wait for him to answer. I looked up one last time at the altar and walked out. I made my way to the restaurant to help out.
Everywhere I turned there were pieces of her. When I reached to put the Bronco into reverse I noticed her hair bands hanging on the shifter.
There was a sticker on the inside of the visor that read ‘Roller Derby girls do it on all fours” that she giggled about for days on end. I knew it was there, I didn’t have to look at it. On the way to the restaurant I passed the flower shop where she found the perfect silver roses for our wedding. She was in every corner and eve
ry cranny. I welcomed in it.
It kept the pain notch kicked up to ten. It zapped me when I almost smiled. It throbbed in my chest and kept a steady beat in my head like a snare drum.
The restaurant was busy, the parking lot fuller than I’d seen it in a while. I walked in and went straight into the kitchen to wash up and grab an apron. I pushed the heavy swinging door open and apparently I was unexpected. Dad, Mom, Falcon and Nellie stood in a huddle and Dad had a familiar black box in his hand. Nellie sobbed while she turned the ring back and forth on her finger and then released it, retracting her agreement to marry me. She placed it back in the black box and my dad
put it in his pocket. It was like an engagement moment on video but it was being played in reverse.
Falcon saw me first. He walked up next to me, grabbed an apron and a tray and pushed me in the shoulder so hard that I nearly toppled over.
I looked back and the ends of purple hair went through the back kitchen door and it closed quietly behind her.
Another nail in the bastard’s coffin.
My dress hung on the door frame which partitioned my room from the kitchen. I couldn’t make myself return it. I should’ve returned it.
I was going to the restaurant later to return the ring only because it was a Black family heirloom
and if Owen and I weren’t together then I had no business keeping it.
So my wedding dress was the only thing I would have left. I ran my hand down the ruffles and lace.
It was a vintage dress that I’d found in an obscure dress shop.
I would’ve loved to see
Owen’s
face as I wal
ked towards him in this dress.
My parents had said they already had plans when they received the wedding invitation in the mail. It didn’t surprise me and to be honest, I was relieved.
I passed by the Biology Department office the day before and saw the internship choice posted on the bulletin board. Owen Black was listed as the chosen student and I reached up to trace his name with my fingers as a silent congratulations. He worked his butt off for that internship and now he didn’t have to worry about leaving a wife behind. I couldn’t be prouder of him.
Everyone expected me to be angry. They expected me to scream and throw things and paint ‘
Douchebag
’ on his car with pink paint. But I didn’t scream, instead I buried my face in his pillow that stayed on his side of the bed and cried until I passed out
every night
. I didn’t throw things. But every morning like a person on the edge of sanity I took out all of his clothes from the bottom drawer
, inhaled the cedar scent
and refolded each one, a reaffirmation that at one time he was here and he loved me. I dialed his number nine times a day but nev
er pressed ‘send’. I painted ‘
H
ellie
Black’ on the bottom of
my skates with pink nail polish where no one would see.
I loved him and no matter how much it hurt I always would.
Cindi
officially put the bookstore into my name. I kept the name
Cindi’s
Indie, just because I loved it.
I started
full time on Sunday, the same day Owen and I were supposed to go on a cruise to Cozumel.
I went to the restaurant to meet Chase and return the ring. He said I didn’t have to and that I should just keep it. But one day Owen might—well, he might need it. I turned the ring and just my luck, the damned thing was stuck on my finger. I finally pried it off, put it back in the box and that’s when I saw Falcon break from our huddle in the kitchen. Then I saw Owen.
He looked awful. He was thin
ner
. His shirt was loose. There were dark circles under his eyes. He had dark circles under his eyes when I met him but after spending most nights at my apartment and sleeping well, they had gone away.
He turned his attention to Falcon who was more disappointed than angry with his older brother though it all looked like anger to an outsider. I took my opportunity and slipped out of the back kitchen door.
I drove straight to the skating rink
and skated with the crowds of teenagers to the sound of cheesy love songs until there was no one left and I had no energy left to cry.
~~~
Sunday morning I opened up my shop at nine o’clock sharp.
It was easy to open up that early when you lived just upstairs.
That was a surprise that I was supposed to share with Owen last Sunday. Instead of moving into my apartment, we were going to have an apartment of our own. Along with the bookstore, ownership came with the apartment upstairs from it. I could never thank
Cindi
enough and she finally relented to letting me pay her seventeen percent of the profits from the store. I started haggling at twenty five percent and she talked me all the way down to seventeen percent. It was an odd number but she said she liked things odd.
But I would never get to share that secret with him.
I moved back home for the two weeks between the end of school and the start of my internship. Dad and I went and got the needed gear from Dr. Callahan’s list and some extra things for my trip. He had that look on his face the whole time like he was disappointed and peeved all at the same time.
“Just spit it out already, Dad. I can’t take it.” I wanted to clear the air before I left tomorrow.
“What do you want me to say, Son,” he asked.
“I want you to say something. Tell me I’m a jackass. Tell me I screwed up again. Tell me I didn’t deserve her in the first place. Tell me I’ll never find another girl like her—ever. Say f—
freakin
’ something”
“You did mess up, Owen. But you know that. What I can’t get through my head is how you can just give up.
You haven’t tried to go see her. You haven’t called her. Nothing. You have always deserved a love like she can give you. But I don’t recognize the man beside me who won’t even try. Don’t you get it? She’s not the one who stopped loving you. You’re the one who didn’
t trust in what she gave you
. Think about it while you’re gone.”
“What if she’s moved on by then? What if she won’t take me back?”
“If you think that for one second, then you never really knew her at all.” He shrugged.
When I got upstairs Mom had already packed
and I added the stuff that Dad and I had bought earlier.
“Mom, you didn’t have to pack for me but thanks.” She nodded and never looked up from zipping my duffle bag.
“What’s wrong Mom,” I asked.
“
Two and a half months is a long time.” She said and sat on my bed.
“I know. I’m going to try to call when we go in for supplies.” I hugged her shoulders and she leaned her head down into my chest.
“OK. If you can.” She whispered.
I drove out to Grand Isle the next morning early after saying my ‘goodbyes’ and prying myself from Mom. Falcon came downstairs and waved. But that was more interaction that we’d had since Nellie and I broke up. Dad told me that Falcon was upset with me for sabotaging myself. He said I’d had it all and ruined it. Apparently it also had to do a little with Kate breaking up with him for another guy.
I got to the dock and started unloading my gear. Dr. Callahan was there already on the coolest boat I’d ever seen. I went aboard and the work started immediately. I checked gauges and inventoried the tools and computers and lab equipment. I kept busy after everything was done cleaning Dr. Callahan started the boat and the dock grew smaller and smaller behind us.
Dr. Callahan, or Drew as he wanted me to call him, told me to try to get some sleep. That night we were going to be doing some night research. The man didn’t waste any time. I went down into the belly of the beast and
got as comfortable as I could on a five foot long hammock which hung from the rafters and tried to sleep.
I should’ve at least told her goodbye.
Sylvia called me as soon as he left and we cried together over the phone. Later she came to the bookstore and we went to lunch. She told me about the conversation Chase and Owen had before he left and it gave me some hope. We talked on the phone almost every day. I stopped myself millions of times from going to him and throwing myself at him before he left. I don’t think my heart had any pride at all.
Amber and Dylan had decided to see other people and it broke Amber’s heart but she tried to keep a ‘tough girl’ persona around him. She quit working at the skating rink and now worked at the bookstore with me. She had a new roommate, Huxley, and her name reminded us of those creepy Teddy
Ruxpin
dolls.
I sometimes made it through an hour or even a stretch of hours between consciously thinking about Owen. But if I were honest with myself he leeched onto every thought t
hat ran through my head. Amber laughed at me when I zoned out. What would happen when he came back I didn’t know. Maybe he would change his mind. Maybe he wouldn’t want me anymore. Maybe he would be happy at the way it all went down.