Authors: Tanya Landman
“No, I
won’t
. I’m not about to start fighting a total stranger. You’ll just have to deal with her when we get there.”
Sally switched her phone off, huffed indignantly and then said to no one in particular, “This is going to be hideous! I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t come.”
“We’d have been far better off staying at home,” Graham said gloomily.
I couldn’t agree: this was riveting stuff!
It wasn’t long before we were climbing into a helicopter. Sally, Graham and I crammed ourselves into the back while Angelica took her place in the front as if it was rightfully hers.
We took off – not a particularly pleasant experience – and soared into the night, the lights of Athens twinkling below us then gradually getting further away until they disappeared altogether and we were being carried over the empty blackness of the Mediterranean.
As we flew, Angelica’s lips kept moving as they had done on the plane. And this time I was close enough to hear what she was saying, over and over, chanting in time to the whirring helicopter blades like a witch’s incantation: “She has to go. I’ll
make
her go. She has to go. I’ll
make
her go. She has to go. I’ll
make
her go.”
The prospect of Josie’s wedding day being the happiest of her life suddenly seemed very remote indeed.
Despite
its sinister undertones, Angelica’s muttering must have had a hypnotic effect on me. By the time the helicopter landed in the garden of the massive villa, I was snoring, nose pressed against the window, mouth hanging open, neck twisted at an awkward angle, Graham’s elbow in my ear. When I woke up I thought for a second I must still be dreaming, because there, looking in at me with an amused smile warming his familiar features, was the man himself: the legendary Bill Strummer. He was wearing a battered denim jacket, faded jeans and a hat, which made him look more like a cowboy than a rock star. He seemed as soft and stylish as an old leather sofa: there was something about him that was instantly welcoming.
But there was nothing either soft or welcoming about the woman standing, stiffly protective, at his side. She nodded and threw a forced smile at Sally, baring her teeth like a Rottweiler about to attack. This had to be Tessa Whittam.
As Gregor released the door locks, Bill stepped forwards to help Angelica out. Gregor looked embarrassed, Tessa seemed plain angry, but Bill oozed pity from every pore. Pity and vast amounts of guilt. The poor man was riddled with it.
The sight of her ex-husband seemed to unhinge Angelica even further. For a second she shrank into herself, arms squeezing her chest again, eyes tight shut as if she didn’t want to look at him. Then she took a deep breath and mumbled quickly to herself, “I’m going to put a stop to all this,” before taking his outstretched hand and wrenching her face into a pathetic smile. As she stepped out I got the faintest glimpse of what she’d looked like before her husband had dumped her.
“Bill,” she said croakily. “Bill.”
“Good to see you, babe,” he said gently. Too gently. It was like she might crumble into dust if he spoke too loudly. And then he tucked her hand carefully into the crook of his arm as if she was a fragile old lady in need of support.
Beside him, Tessa looked poised and ready to attack if Angelica did anything unexpected: her fists were clenching und unclenching as she considered where to aim her first blow.
Anyone else would have tried to hustle Angelica out of sight immediately, but this was Mr Nice Guy, remember? He looked over to where Sally, Graham and I were prising ourselves sweatily off the back seats and unfolding like crumpled balls of newspaper. He smiled, apologizing for the awkwardness of the situation with his eyes. “Hey, thanks for dropping everything, Mrs Marshall. I’m dead chuffed you could come.”
“Do call me Sally,” said Graham’s mum as she stepped out, blushing and letting out an unexpectedly high giggle. One look at Bill and she’d transformed back into a schoolgirl with a crush.
“Hi guys,” he said, turning to me and Graham – who, let me remind you, everyone had completely ignored until this point. “Sorry to drag you into this. You missing school on my account?”
“Yes,” I said, adding, “a whole bunch of assessment tests. We’re really gutted about it.”
Bill threw back his head and guffawed. There’s something nice about a grown-up who genuinely laughs at your jokes, and I couldn’t help beaming back at him. That’s charisma for you. The man was irresistible. Even Graham managed one of his blink-and-you-miss-it grins.
Then Angelica shivered as if she’d been plunged into iced water.
“Hey, babe,” Bill said, full of concern. “You ain’t well. Let’s get you into the house. We’ll find you a nice room.”
“With you?” She sounded desperate.
“No, babe, not with me,” Bill’s voice was thick with embarrassment. “You know I’m with… You know I’m getting m…” Words failed him.
“Married? You’re getting married? You’re going ahead with it, then?” Angelica said flatly.
“Of course.”
“I see.” Angelica’s mouth thinned into a severe line. “I’ll stop you,” she declared fiercely. “I’ll find a way. This won’t happen. I won’t allow it.”
Bill was unruffled. “Look, we’ll get you settled in,” he said with patient concern. “Nice warm bubble bath, cup of hot chocolate. Something stronger if you need it. Then Tessa’s arranged for a doctor to come and check you out.”
Angelica tore her hand away from him. “I don’t need a doctor!” she screamed. “I’m perfectly fine!” Then she burst into hysterical sobs and fell into a dead faint.
And so it came to pass that the first Mrs Strummer entered, in a most dramatic fashion, the luxury villa that Bill had hired for his second wedding. We processed along behind him as he carried his ex-wife, swooning in his arms like the heroine of an old black-and-white movie. He passed through the double doors and into the entrance hall.
Josie Diamond was standing halfway up the marble staircase, her peachy looks marred by savage jealousy. The expression on her face announced loud and clear that she was just about ready to commit murder.
Josie
wasn’t the only person in the entrance hall. At the foot of the stairs stood an old woman who’d obviously been getting ready for bed when our helicopter landed. She was wearing a floor-length lilac nightie with matching dressing gown and fluffy slippers. When Angelica was carried in, apparently lifeless, an expression of concern creased her face. She looked very like Bill; this had to be his mother.
Concern didn’t feature on anyone else’s face, though. There was a whole herd of Z-list celebrities whose eyes were popping out of their heads with excitement. And a photographer – presumably from
Hi!
magazine – was happily clicking away as the drama unfolded.
Up until that point I’d been impressed by the care with which Bill had treated his ex-wife: he may have dumped her, but at least he had the decency to feel guilty about it. Then he saw Josie and everything changed.
It was as if he’d been bewitched, and I couldn’t help glancing at Josie’s hands to see if she was wielding a wand. The second he laid eyes on her, Bill was transformed. He literally dropped Angelica. Fortunately he’d reached a sort of floor-cushion-cum-chaise-longue arrangement in the middle of the hall, which broke her fall. As she rolled off it sideways, one unconscious hand hit the marble with an audible slap – but Bill didn’t notice. He moved towards his fiancée, arms outstretched, like a man in a dream. Josie was already descending the stairs and Bill hadn’t taken more than a few steps before they were face to face. He looked like he’d swallowed a vat of love potion: besotted, enraptured, hypnotized. One hundred per cent pure love was written across his features.
Josie, on the other hand, seemed brimful of hate. She glared at Bill’s ex, her eyes angry little slits that burned with such furious heat I was surprised she didn’t sear holes in Angelica’s dress.
She turned to Bill. “What did you bring her in here for?” Her voice wobbled as if she was trying hard not to burst into tears.
Bill’s smile was apologetic. “She’s not well, babe,” he explained. “I couldn’t just abandon her. I’m sure she won’t get in the way. Besides, we’re solid, aren’t we, you and me? We can handle this.”
Bill took Josie’s hand and she melted into him, her anger gone, hiding her face in his neck and blotting out the rest of the world. Shrugging helplessly, Bill looked over her head at Tessa, his eyebrows raised in a wordless plea for help.
Tessa tried none-too-gently to revive Angelica with a few slaps to the face. When that didn’t work she looked around the entrance hall for inspiration. Spotting a handy vase of flowers, she grabbed it and emptied the water over Angelica. Bill’s ex didn’t stir and I began to wonder if the combination of shock and stress had actually killed her. But then the doctor arrived – Doctor Psychondakis, we later discovered – and he managed to revive Angelica with a shot in the arm. The moment she came round, she hurled herself at Josie, screaming, “Get away from Bill! Leave here now!”
Josie slapped Angelica across the face and there was a sharp intake of breath from all the watching Z-listers. But despite looking so frail, Angelica proved surprisingly strong when it came to unarmed combat. With a single finger jab to her stomach Angelica folded Josie in half. She then grabbed her rival by the hair, whirling her around and around like an Olympic hammer thrower. Just as Josie was in danger of being hurled through the double doors and into the night, Tessa stepped in.
If Angelica was surprisingly strong, Tessa was in a different league altogether. She came up behind Angelica and got her neck in what looked astonishingly like a Vulcan death grip. Finally, Bill’s ex released his fiancée’s hair and crumpled inelegantly to the floor, where Doctor Psychondakis pounced on her and shot a syringeful of tranquillizer into her other arm. Bill enfolded Josie in his arms and she began to soak his shirt with tears.
It took a few minutes for the jab to work, and in the meantime the doctor sat on Angelica’s chest. She thrashed violently, trying to escape, and then her eyes fell on the old lady in the nightie.
“Ruby!” screamed Angelica. “Ruby!”
“There, there, love.” Ruby walked over to Angelica and, knees audibly creaking, squatted beside her on the marble floor. I noticed that she had the same strong London accent as her son.
Angelica eyed her desperately. “
You
know. I
told
you. I said, I explained…”
“Hush!” soothed Ruby. “Calm down, sweetheart.”
Tears streamed from Angelica’s eyes. Her face contorted with fresh pain. “I want him back. But I can’t. Never, never, never…”
Ruby’s voice was gentle but firm, as if she was trying to placate a hysterical child. “You rest easy, now. You’re upset, sweetheart.”
“You have to talk to him,” begged Angelica. “You have to stop this. You have to…” She turned her head back and forth, looking for someone in the crowd. “Where’s Sizal? Sizal knows… Talk to him. Tell him he can’t. He can’t do this. No…”
At last the sedative kicked in and Angelica’s voice became thick and confused. Her eyelids seemed to grow heavy and she blinked several times. Doctor Psychondakis climbed off her chest and helped her up. Angelica allowed him to lead her up the stairs to the room Tessa had quickly prepared earlier. She was still clutching two handfuls of Josie’s hair, and the guest nearest me – who I dimly recognized from a reality TV show – muttered quietly, “Look at that! I bet Josie’s got a bald patch now. Sizal Bouffant’s going to have his work cut out putting that right.” Then she sniggered in a not-remotely-sympathetic way.
I didn’t get to ask who this Sizal person was, because once the door slammed shut behind Angelica, everyone’s attention turned to Josie and Bill.
Josie looked like a toddler whose birthday balloon had burst. Her lower lip was trembling and her baby-blue eyes had filled up with tears, which were spilling over and trickling prettily over her peaches-and-cream cheeks.
“How could you let her on the island?” she asked Bill. “If she ruins our wedding, I’ll… I’ll… Oh, I don’t know what I’ll do!”
“It will be OK, babe,” Bill said softly. Taking both her hands in his, he declared, “Ain’t nothing going to spoil your day. I’ll see to that. Tomorrow you’ll make me the happiest man alive.”
He sounded so sincere and so romantic that Josie smiled bravely back at him as he wiped away her tears. Then he draped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close. Her own arm snaked around his not-as-thin-as-it-once-was waist and they walked up the stairs pressed so hard against each other, they looked as if they were in a three-legged race. They were so wrapped up in their own blissful bubble, they didn’t bother saying goodnight to any of their guests – it was like the rest of us had vanished into thin air.
Tessa watched them go, and for a moment I was intrigued by the expression on her face. It was intense; penetrating; thoughtful. It reminded me of the way Snow White’s wicked stepmother had looked before she’d poisoned that apple.
As soon as Bill and Josie had departed, Tessa ordered the Z-list celebrities to bed as if they were naughty children. Then she turned her attention to Ruby.
“Are you all right, Mrs Strummer? Can I get you anything?”
“No thanks, sweetheart, I’m fine. I’ll turn in now. Big day tomorrow.” She shook her head sadly. “How we’re going to get through it with Angelica here is anyone’s guess. Poor cow! Lost her marbles, she has. She’ll be the death of me, that one.”
“Let me worry about her,” Tessa said crisply. “It’s my job.”
“Rather you than me, love.” Ruby started to leave, but then turned back and added, “You know, any other man would have had her sectioned. Put away. But my boy’s always been too kind for his own good. Soft-hearted, that’s his problem.” She sighed and then made her way up to bed, clearly exhausted.
By the time Ruby had gone, it was really late and Sally, Graham and I followed Tessa gratefully up the marble staircase. As we passed Angelica’s door we could hear her murmuring sleepily to herself. I was pretty sure it was the same dirge-like incantation she’d intoned in the helicopter.