“We’ll take them with us.”
“Where? What do you mean?” Anna asked.
“To Italy. You and Jillian are right. I need to go back and make my peace with whoever is left, even if it’s only the land.”
Anna smiled, excitement bubbling up. “That’s wonderful.”
“And I think you should bring your young man.”
“Chris? I don’t …”
Mamma took Anna’s arms and looked into her face, a smile teasing the corners of her lips. “Trust me on this one, honey. Ask him to come along.”
“Okay, I will. But he might say no—”
Mamma put out a finger and stilled Anna’s mouth. “Just ask him.”
Chapter 24
Chris had called and asked Anna to meet him at the zoo, one of their favorite places many years ago. She wanted to ask him to come to Italy with her, but she couldn’t help feeling things were moving much too quickly. How could she think that Chris would want to take up where they left off just because he was willing to forgive her and share an ice cream cone? It had been a few days before he called. She’d resisted calling him herself, all the while battling fear that he’d changed his mind and retracted his forgiveness.
Anna paid for her ticket and made her way to the tiger habitat. It took a while to get there. The Toronto Zoo had one of the largest collections of animals she’d seen, but the tigers were the one place they’d always visited. Anna loved taking pictures of them and Chris loved listening to her gush about them.
He stood at the fence, his back to her. Anna hesitated, watching him. She nearly turned around and left. Jilly was so much better at confrontations and emotion than she was. Anna stiffened her spine.
If Jilly can do it, so can I. Chris is worth fighting for.
Her footsteps alerted him, and he turned to watch her approach, his face somber. Anna’s heart sank.
As she got closer he smiled. It wasn’t one of his
light up his face
kind of smiles, though.
“Morning.”
“Morning, Chris.”
He turned back to look at the tigers sprawled in the early morning sunshine. There weren’t many people at the zoo at that hour, having only opened half an hour before. Chris spoke without looking at her.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
“Yes, me too,” Anna responded. She took a breath to continue, but he cut her off.
“You surprised me, showing up as you did.”
“Yes.”
Chris’ hands clenched around the bars of the tiger enclosure, his knuckles whitening. “I have to ask where we stand?”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean?”
“Did you come back because you want me in your life again?”
The million dollar question.
“No. Not specifically.” Anna took a deep breath, pressed her back against the bars and stared out at the lush greenery surrounding them. “My main reason was because I’d left things badly, hurt you badly. You deserved an apology. I wasn’t sure if coming to you to say I’m sorry would just make things worse or not.”
“It’s like reopening a half-closed wound, yes.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Stop saying that,” Chris shot back.
“I don’t know what else to say,” she said, a tear dropping onto the pavement in front of her.
“I’ve already said I forgive you. Saying you’re sorry over and over only belittles you. Let me finish what I was saying.”
“Okay.” She resisted the urge to say sorry again. She remembered now how Chris had always gotten on her case for saying sorry too often. She’d said it even when she hadn’t done anything wrong. It reminded her of how Jilly got angry at her for the same thing. She’d said Anna only used it to diffuse emotions. It occurred to her now it was a way of keeping things from getting out of control.
How hard it is to change and unlearn habits of so many years.
Chris leaned his back against the bars beside her. “I said you coming back was like reopening a half-closed wound. It hurts like hell, but sometimes a doctor has to do that in order to clean out the infection and garbage that’s gotten inside. The wound will only heal properly if it’s disinfected.”
Anna nodded.
“So, it was good for you to come back. Good for both of us. But what I want to know now is where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know,” Anna whispered, fear tightening her jaw, making it hard to speak. “I guess it’s up to you.”
“No, dammit!”
Anna stepped back.
“Look, that’s what got us into this mess in the first place.” He stepped in front of her, reached for her then stepped back. “You went along with what I wanted until you couldn’t accept it anymore.”
Anna frowned.
“You allowed me to set all the parameters of our relationship. You said yes to whatever I wanted, even if it was what restaurant we picked for dinner.”
Anna thought back and realized he was right. She lowered her chin, but Chris reached out and tipped it up.
“No. I’m not saying this to make you feel ashamed or guilty. I’ve thought about it ever since you came to see me. I wanted to know what made you run. Why didn’t our relationship succeed and do we have a chance if we try again?” Chris ran his hands through his hair, grabbed a bar beside her head, and leaned in close. “I can’t handle losing you again, so I’d rather we didn’t go there if we don’t have a good chance of making it.”
Anna stared up into his intense gaze like he was the tiger and she the prey.
“I don’t want you sacrificing who you are in order to make me happy,” Chris said. “That won’t work. I want you to be yourself. If we accept each other and love each other, this can work.”
They stared into each other’s eyes and Anna remembered what it was like to kiss him. She glanced at his lips and he moved closer. A fraction of a second before their lips touched, Chris exploded off the fence and stalked away. He paced up and down the path, breathing hard while Anna trembled, unsure what to say or do. She’d never seen Chris like this before.
He stopped a few feet away from her. “I’m sorry, Anna. I know I’m moving too fast. Everything feels out of control. I need to go. I’ll call you.”
And he was gone.
Anna slumped to the ground. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her forehead on her knees. The pain raced through her like an out-of-control fire, consuming her oxygen while she gasped for breath. The tears came in a flood, but did nothing to dampen the fire.
What have I done?
Alone in her room, Anna fell onto the bed and cried. She still loved Chris and didn’t want to lose him forever. She understood how he felt, of course, but she wanted him. Oh, how she wanted him.
There was a knock on the door.
“Yes?”
“It’s me. Can I come in?”
How Jilly always knew when she needed her, Anna would never know.
“Come in.”
“What’s wrong?” Jilly sat on the bed and rubbed Anna’s back.
Anna wiped her tears away. “I fucked up, Jilly.”
Her sister laughed, shocked at her words. “You never talk like that. What happened? Is it Chris?”
Anna groaned and flung her arm over her head. “I want him back, but I’m afraid he doesn’t want me.” The tears came afresh at her words.
Jilly shoved Anna over with her hip and leaned back beside her. “Did he say so?”
“No. He talked about what we could do to make it work and then he almost kissed me.”
“Really? That’s great!”
“No, you don’t understand.” Anna turned onto her side so she could look at Jilly. “I said almost. His lips almost touched mine and then he realized what he was about to do and took off.”
“Just like that? Took off?”
“Yes. Well he said, I’ll call you or something like that. But isn’t that what men say when they are running away?”
“Sometimes.” Jilly thought for a few moments. “Yes, sometimes, but unless Chris has changed a lot, he wouldn’t say that if he wasn’t going to call.”
“You’re right,” Anna said. “Whew, you’re right. He hasn’t changed so much. I’m sure of it.”
“Anna?”
“What?”
“Give it some time.”
“I am.”
“No. You’re worrying about it and afraid he won’t want you. If he didn’t, don’t you think he would have told you to go fuck yourself when you showed up again?”
Anna laughed. Jilly had always been good at shocking her out of a mood. “Okay, so he didn’t do that. In fact, he bought me an ice cream.”
“Ooooh, now that’s something.”
Anna shoved Jilly, and pulled her back as she almost slid off the bed. They were just devolving into a tickling, wrestling match such as they hadn’t had in years when they heard, “Girls, girls.”
Mamma stood in the doorway with a smile. “What are you two up to?”
“Jilly started it.”
They both broke down laughing, feeling like they were kids again.
Mamma stepped into the room and scooted them over to make room for her on the edge of the bed. She studied Anna.
“You’ve been crying.”
Observant Mamma.
“Yes.”
“Is everything okay?”
Anna filled Mamma in on what had happened, and Jilly added her cryptic commentary as she loved to do.
“The best thing you can do for your young man is to trust him,” Mamma said. “Isn’t that the one thing you didn’t do before?”
“Yes.”
“Trust him, honey. He isn’t going anywhere. He’ll call.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t ask him to come to Italy, then.”
“Maybe you should wait for him to call and then see what happens,” Mamma said with a smile. “Now, I’m taking you girls out for dinner, so I want you to dress up nice.”
“Woohoo!” Jilly jumped up. She laughed at Anna, still lying on the bed. “I don’t get to go out much now that I have a little—” she stopped, her face showing distress.
“It’s okay, Jill. You don’t have to kid-glove me. I know you don’t go out much because you’re a mommy. You deserve it. Come on, let’s get ready together.”
Anna gave Mamma a quick peck on the cheek and then linked her arm with Jilly’s and let herself be dragged from the room.
Trust. Mamma is right. But, what if he doesn’t call?
Chapter 25
Anna closed her book and placed it on the bedside table. She reached for the lamp to switch it off just as her cell phone rang. Chris’ name showed on the call display. Her heart pounded as she answered.
“Hi, Chris.”
“I hope I’m not calling too late.”
“No. I was reading.”
“That’s good.” He paused for a couple of moments and Anna’s heart went into triple time.
Is this where he tells me it’s over before it even begins?
“I’ve been thinking a lot,” he finally said. “I know I should have waited to see you in person, but I couldn’t wait to talk to you. I’m sorry about this morning. It was rude of me to just run away like that.”
“It’s okay, I understand.”
“Well, you shouldn’t.”
“What?”
“That’s what I was talking about. I want you to feel free enough to tell me if I’ve been rude to you. Don’t just accept whatever I throw at you as if you deserve it. You don’t.”
“I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“Well, it’s just one thing I have been thinking about. Anna, you matter. That’s really what I’m trying to say. If you were terrified of having a child, you should have been able to tell me that and we could have worked it out.”
“Oh.”
“I feel that I failed you. It wasn’t all your fault. That’s what I’m trying to say.”
Can I tell him I love him now?
Anna blinked back tears, trying to keep them from coming through her voice. “I really appreciate you saying this.”
“Well, before you can move on to the future, you have to figure out what went wrong in the past so you don’t make the same mistakes twice. I hope I’m not overstepping.”
“How?”
“In assuming you might want to try again. With us?”
It was like Chris’ words were filled with helium and Anna could float off the bed if she wanted. “No, you’re not overstepping. I would like to try again. But this time I promise to be honest with you, even if it’s hard.”
“That’s all I want.”
Anna could hear the smile in Chris’ voice.
“Come to Italy with me, then.”
“What?”
Anna laughed, pure joy filling her. “Mamma and I are going to Italy and we want you to come with us.”