Love in Bloom (16 page)

Paige ran her finger down a list.  "Mother drew up a schedule for the next six months."

"New places?"

"We've been at some of them before.  I just don't know if I can go back.  The reason I left..."

Her voice broke and he took her hand.  It seemed the most natural thing in the world to hold it and give her comfort.  "Tell me why you left."

Her eyes filled with tears she couldn't blink away.  She tried but then she let them come.  "I lost a child."

Emotions crashed through Clay--compassion, sorrow, jealousy, astonishment.  "You were pregnant?"

She shook her head and brushed her hand across her cheek.  "No.  It was one of the village children.  I'd been treating her for two weeks and I thought she might be one of the lucky ones.  But...she wasn't."  Paige took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her other cheek.

Clay could see how upset she still was about the loss.  It was as if she'd lost a child of her own.  "Was this one special?"

Paige looked at him with such anguish that he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her until it all went away.  She said haltingly, "They're all special.  Mother says I get too personally involved, that I have to learn to stay detached.  I tried.  But I couldn't.  This child, Clay, she was just one too many.  I completely lost it.  I couldn't stop crying.  That's when I knew I'd been there too long and seen too much."

Now he understood.  He understood her sadness and uncertainty.  "So you came here to help Doc."

"That's what I told myself, that's what I told my mother.  But I came here to escape for a while."

"Treating Doc's patients is an escape?  A vacation to Hawaii is an escape."  He squeezed her hand.  "You're doing worthwhile work here, too.  Paige, you can't go back before you're ready.  You'll only hurt yourself and not help anyone."

She made a fluttering gesture with her hand.  "But will I ever be ready?  Don't you see, Clay?  The longer I stay away, the harder it will be to go back."

He rubbed his thumb back and forth over the top of her hand, trying to soothe her, trying to give her something she needed.  "That tells me you don't want to go back."

"I do."

"You can heal here."

Her eyes were huge blue pools.  "It's not the same."

"Why?"

"People in the States have access to care.  There are thousands of doctors here."

Clay slipped his thumb over one of her knuckles and then another.  "What about Miriam?"

"What about her?"

"Would all doctors treat her?  Would they deliver her baby at home?"

Paige closed her eyes for a moment.  "But she's only one."

"One matters, Paige.  And what about Ben?  His problems are as real as unsterile conditions.  The problems here are different, but they aren't any less important.  You have to consider what's best for you and your patients."

She opened her eyes and stared at the wall ahead of her.  "All my life I've wanted to follow in my mother and father's footsteps.  I wanted to work beside them.  I want them to be proud of me."

"How could they not be?"

She shrugged and gave him a sidelong glance.  "I was away from them so much growing up.  So when I was with them, every moment counted.  I wanted...oh, I can't explain it."

But he could.  "You wanted the approval and love you couldn't feel when you were miles apart."

She looked at him then.  "Yes, but also what I did had to be special.  I had to succeed.  Don't you see?  Not going back would be admitting I failed."

Paige was being torn apart by her parents' dream and her knowledge that that dream might not work for her.  "Is it so wrong to want a different life from your parents?" he asked.

She shifted restlessly on her chair, her leg lodging closer to his.  "I don't know.  But I have to make up my mind soon.  My mother's coming to Langley the beginning of July."

The beginning of July.  She'd originally said two months.  Now it was even less.  "There's something else you might want to consider."

"What?"

"Is your mother's pride in what you do more important than your happiness?"

Her voice was a whisper.  "That's the problem.  I don't know."

Paige needed time to try out the "normal" life she'd never had.  But it seemed time was the one thing she didn't have.

He couldn't give her the time she wouldn't give herself, he couldn't give her the solution to her problems, but he could give her comfort and the understanding she needed to work her dilemma through.

He turned her hand over and tenderly stroked her palm.  "Whenever you need to talk, I'll listen."

She gave him a brave attempt at a smile.  It was the bravery that made him lean forward to touch his lips to her forehead and give her a hug.  That's all he'd intended to do.  But the intention slipped by the wayside.

The fragrance of her hair caught him.  The softness of her skin under his lips ensnared him.  Her pliant response when her arms wrapped around his back to return the hug led him to her lips.  She kissed as she did everything else--wholeheartedly, with all her being.

When he slid his tongue through her lips, only the first touch of her tongue was tentative.  Then all hesitancy vanished as she tasted him as much as he tasted her.  He wanted to get closer, feel more of her, but couldn't because of their positions on the chairs.

He stood and pulled her up with him, but the movement broke the intensity and Paige backed away.

Her eyes glistened again, but her voice was strong.  "You said you didn't want this to happen.  You said--"

She was thinking of him, not herself.  How typically Paige.  "And I meant it.  Not because I don't want you.  But because I don't want to want you."

"I know everything's complicated.  I know I might be leaving, by why can't--?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"What makes you think you will?"

"I don't believe you're the type of woman who just wants a fling, a satisfaction of physical needs.  And that's all I can offer you."  He must have gotten across his point because she didn't protest; she didn't ask any questions.

He wanted to reach for her again but knew he shouldn't.  Instead he offered, "But I meant what I said, Paige.  If you need to talk, I'll listen."

She squared her shoulders and tried to blank the emotions from her eyes.  "I can talk to Doc."

She was choosing to withdraw from him, and he supposed that was best for both of them.  He hoped he'd given her the comfort she'd needed for the moment.  That was all he could do.

A few minutes later, after Clay had gone, Paige closed down her e-mail program.  Her fingers trembled.  Clay's kiss had done something the first kiss hadn't.  It had made her realize she could depend on Clay, she could lean on Clay, she could talk to Clay, she could love Clay.  She was falling in love with Clayton Reynolds and that idea scared her even more than the passionate feelings he aroused in her.  What in heaven's name was she going to do about it?

CHAPTER EIGHT

The next evening, Clay pushed his cart through the grocery store, thinking about Paige--the tears in her eyes, the confusion in her voice, the fact that she might soon leave Langley.

There was no point chewing on it.  It seemed Paige's parents had controlled her motivation and dreams from when she was born.  Could she battle that and do what was right for herself?  What was right might be going back to Africa, would most likely be going back to Africa.  Change was difficult.  Humans were creatures of habit.  Habit for Paige was mirroring her parents aspirations.

Clay took two boxes of linguini from the shelf next to him and dumped them into his cart.  As he pushed the vehicle forward, he spotted Ben coming toward him.  He stopped.

Ben seemed embarrassed as he gestured toward his cart.  "Mom made me stop and get stuff for supper."

Clay shrugged.  "It's something I have to do if I want to eat."  He glanced at the cane in Ben's cart.  "How's it going?"

"It's going.  Mom and Dad are pushing me to apply to colleges for the second semester."

"Are you going to?"

"I can't see the point.  I don't know what I want to do.  I don't want to feel guilty about Dad going into debt.  It all seems pointless."

Ben had to find a focus, some goal that would drive him past his disability.  "Don't give up the idea without careful thought.  Education will give you an edge others don't have."

Ben's brows drew together.  "You go to college?"

Clay nodded.

"What for?"

"Electrical engineering."

Ben's surprise was obvious.  "Then what are you doing in Langley when you could be working in some big city?"

"I choose to be here, Ben."

"Because of your accident?"

"Yes."

Ben gave him a speculative look.  When another shopper came down the aisle, Ben said, "I gotta go.  Maybe I'll see you around."

Clay nodded again.

After Clay drove home, he stowed away the groceries then dialed Doc's house, realizing he didn't have Paige's cell phone number.  She answered.

"I happened to see Ben and he sounds as if he's giving up the idea of going to college."

"That's what his counselor says, too.  She's disappointed because his interest surveys were revealing and strongly suggested a specific direction."

"What was it?"

"The sciences.  It seems Ben has excellent background knowledge, especially in biology."

"Damn!"

"I know.  It will be a waste if he doesn't go.  But maybe in another six months..."

Clay wanted to punch something or at least shake some sense into one stubborn teenager.  "It'll be even further out of his mind.  He's worried about his dad going into debt.  What if I set up a scholarship fund to get him started?"

The silence lasted so long, Clay asked, "Paige?"

"Why do you want to do that?"

"Because it would get him going in the right direction."

"Ben doesn't need the money as much as he needs motivation.  Can't you see that?"

"He needs both."

"Would that be the easy way out for you?"