Ben pulled him back in, burying his face in Nikolas’s neck, breathing him in deeply, the smell of his warm, clean skin and the fresh cotton of his shirt. He didn’t have any answers at all. Nikolas pulled his face around and kissed him, eyes slightly wary, as if he knew he didn’t deserve his kiss to be reciprocated or welcome. Ben gave him a rueful look with narrowed eyes, grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back onto the bed. In total silence, he divested Nikolas of all the expensive trappings of his latest persona and took him naked from the inside. Inside, Nikolas never changed and was exactly the same man Ben had first taken—still aching and shocked from his own violent penetration on the floor of a billiard room in another life.
When they were done and Nikolas could barely manage to turn over without groaning in pain, Ben curled around him, his face pressed deep into the short hair at the back of Nikolas’s neck. “If you resurrect Aleksey Primakov now for Gregory then that’s who you will have to stay, and I’ll lose you. I’m not going to let that happen. He knows you lied, he knows you escaped that life. Ten years have gone by, Nik. Why not show him what escape means? Why not meet him as the real you?”
Nikolas huffed. “When you find
him
, do let me know.”
“I have found him. He’s in that sailboat, remember? He’s riding on those windswept beaches in those photographs. He’s here now, with me, covered in my semen and my bite marks.
My
possession. That’s the real you.”
Nikolas turned stiffly in his arms, wincing, to lie facing him. Ben ran his fingers through the still longish fringe at the front. “He’s way too wealthy and can do pretty much what he likes—which is usually wearing poncy clothes and looking like a bloody GQ model because he knows it impresses everyone. He exaggerates his accent when it suits him to be misunderstood, and he switches between languages without even knowing he does it. He talks in his sleep in Danish. He pretends to read really boring books, but I notice the bookmarks don’t actually progress much. He says he’s given up smoking, but he’s still smoking pretty heavily in his mind.” Nikolas began to smirk at that, caught out. “He doesn’t like talking about sex, hasn’t ever said the word cock in my hearing yet, but that really doesn’t matter, because there isn’t anything he doesn’t know about it and wants to do if he’s in the mood. He can out fuck me, out fight me, and out manoeuvre me at every turn. He never gives compliments. Getting him to say anything about how he’s feeling is like getting the proverbial out of a sodding stone, but then he doesn’t complain about pain or discomfort either. He’s not afraid of anything except…” Nikolas’s amused smile faded, and he looked suddenly uncertain, vulnerable. “Me. He’s afraid of losing me.”
Ben pushed his fingers more forcibly into Nikolas’s hair, lifting his head and kissing him. “So he has nothing to fear, ever, because nothing he ever does or says will drive me away. He could fucking kill me, and I’d still want him. My bloody ghost would come back and say
kill me again, Nik
.” He deepened the kiss, biting down on Nikolas’s lower lip then releasing it, watching the blood return. “So, how’s that for a start on the real you? We can work out some of the kinks and the details later, when you’re fucking me senseless—always remembering, of course, that you’re not gay. That work for you?”
Nikolas only nodded, his eyes never leaving Ben’s.
Ben kissed him one more time, this time on the forehead like a father bestowing a blessing on his child. “Now, for fuck’s sake, go to sleep. We’ve got a very busy day tomorrow, and if you don’t get to sleep, you won’t be able to enjoy any of it.”
To Be Continued in Conscious Decisions of the Heart…
About the Author
John spent twenty-two years in the military, perfecting the art of looking busy whilst secretly writing. He left as a senior officer when his tunnel was ready for use. He is now living in New Zealand until he can raise enough money to leave. Although he has no plans to return to the army, he can occasionally be caught polishing his medals.
Trademarks Acknowledgment
The author acknowledges the trademark status and trademark owners of the following wordmarks mentioned in this work of fiction:
British Airways: British Airway Plc.
Ducati: Ducati Motor Holding S.p.A.
Britain’s Got Talent: ITV Plc.
Range Rover: Jaguar Land Rover, Limited.
Lada: AvtoVAZ
Mercedes: Daimler AG
GQ: Condé Nast Ltd.
SPAM: Hormel Foods Corporation
Twilight Zone: CBS Broadcasting, Inc.
Claridge’s: Maybourne Hotel Group
Alexander McQueen: Alexander McQueen Trading Limited
Ralph Lauren: Ralph Lauren Corporation
Louis Vuitton: Louis Vuitton Malletier S.A.
Michaeljohn: Michaeljohn
The Connaught: Maybourne Hotel Group
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