Love Is Crazy (Love Is… #1) (16 page)

M
y few days
with Dakota are fantastic. We laugh. We fuck. I realize just how much I love her laugh. I thought I was good with our relationship the way it was. Texting and Skyping. Even with thousands of miles separating us most times, I’ve grown closer to her than I have anyone else in my life. But now that I’m right here next to her? There’s no comparison for the beauty of actually being in her presence. It’s like no matter how hard I try to capture the majesty of this earth in my pictures, I can never quite get it right.

Texting with her is good. Skyping with her is better because I get to see her beautiful face. But being right here next to her where I can touch her and feel her energy, where I can see the tiny nuances of her expressions, it’s just better. But what am I going to do with that information?

I can’t stay. It’s not in my nature to sit still. And I can’t ask her to go with me. Look what happened to her in Arizona. She fell. I treated her like shit because she asked hard questions and got harder answers and she walked away from me and fell. I almost lost her. She swears she doesn’t hurt anymore, but I still catch her limping from time to time. She’s safe here in Townsbury. She may be bored, but isn’t that better than putting her in danger?

There’s this part of me that wants to ask her to travel with me. Her article about the Grand Canyon is good. Really fucking good. It’s like if we could just pair her words with my pictures than maybe we could distill what it’s like to actually be there down to one experience. This idea has been poking around in my head ever since I read it. She could travel with me. Write about the places I photograph and we could start a travel blog.

We could wander the world together, describing what we see in our own special way for all the people who can’t leave their family, their homes, their jobs. We could be together. Living a life outside the norm, a life that makes sense to no one but us.

But.

As soon as I start to feel that flowing euphoria of a great idea, as soon as I start to imagine her small hand in mine as we stare out at the Saharan Desert, or down off the cliffs in Bora Bora, I remember that moment as she lost her footing, as the rattlesnake leapt towards her and she disappeared over the edge of the North Rim. That moment I saw her crumpled and unmoving, blood trickling from her hairline.

The desperation of knowing she needed me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

The knowledge that I had let her into my heart and that it just fell over the cliff with her. It stuttered along with hers. Terrified to discover another person sized hole in my heart at the end of the day. How? How could I survive that?

The truth is. I couldn’t.

I know that with all of me. As much as I need her near me, I need her safe even more. And where I go? The things I do? They are not safe. If I bring her with me, I will be knowingly putting her in danger.

I want her with me. But that’s a selfish thing. And love shouldn’t be selfish. If traveling the world with me means that her life is at risk, then the right thing to do is to leave her here.

Part of me curls up and dies thinking about saying goodbye to her time and time again. Or worse, saying goodbye to her and meaning it forever. But isn’t that what I should do? Isn’t that the best way to show her that I love her? To sacrifice my needs in order to make sure she’s okay?

Isn’t that what a real man would do? A protector? A provider?

My heart and my mind battle. I cherish my time with her. These few days where we are just lost in each other before I have to leave again.

Come with me.
Those words are on the tip of my tongue at all times.
Leave this life that has you feeling squashed and squandered and misunderstood and join me because we are two of a kind. Cut from the same cloth. Because life is better with you in it.

But I never say it because that last thought is so very true. Life is better with Dakota in it. And that’s true even if she’s not with me. I love her and it’s my job to protect her. And I will do that even if it means that I have to learn to live without her. Even if it means I have to leave her for the last time, saying the worst kind of goodbye. The kind that is permanent. The kind that means I won’t be coming back to her here in Townsbury.

I watch her on the day I have to leave. She swipes at her eyes and clutches her stomach like her insides might fall out. Grief tightens her features and her chest heaves as I walk away from her. I pretend like I don’t notice. Pretend like I don’t feel the same.

But I love her. And I don’t want to hurt her. Maybe the right answer is that I need to let her go. That I need to stop being selfish and set her free. Break my heart to save hers.

I barely notice as the plane takes off because my mind is still back on the ground with Dakota.

I
can’t get
my eyes off my phone. Seconds feel like years and minutes might as well be eternities. I have died a thousand deaths since I showed up at work today, just waiting for nine o’clock to be here and those doors to open and Dominic Kane to walk through, that same swoon-worthy smile lighting up the whole goddamned room. Thankfully we’re busy, still just the new normal for us ever since his YouTube video hit, and I’m able to burn off some of my nervous energy by racing from person to person. Even so, I’m sure my smile is too wide and my eyes are a little crazed and I can’t keep my attention on the people who are talking to me because I’m too busy checking out the door to see who just walked in.

Finally, the hour hand kisses eight and I am jubilant. I might as well just let the customers behind the bar to serve themselves because my focus is on nothing but Dominic and his eminent arrival. He’s only been gone a week this time, and I don’t know if that has made it better or worse. I didn’t have time to get used to missing him again. I’m just ready, so ready, to see him.

And then I do.

It’s a simple thing, seeing the face of someone you love, but it has such a profound effect on me that it’s like, I don’t know, seeing the face of God or something. Which is a silly way to describe something as simple as seeing the man I love, but that’s the way it feels. Like he is my prayer. Or the answer to one.

“Hey, stranger,” he says as he saunters up to the bar.

“Hey there, Mr. Wonderful.” I pour him a couple fingers of whiskey and lean towards him for a kiss. I don’t care if it’s appropriate or not. People can stare. Big Jake can come lumbering out of the manager’s office and fire me on the spot. I don’t care. I’ve got Dominic with me and so all is right with the world. I am safe and invincible. Powerful beyond measure.

He leans forward and kisses me, the bar crammed against my ribs and hips, an unwelcome barrier between us. “You get more beautiful by the day,” he says when he finally pulls away.

“And I didn’t think you could get hotter…” I stand back and let my eyes rake over him. “But damn, Kane. You are one mighty fine human specimen.”

I get lost in the circus of serving drinks and taking care of customers, all while keeping my eyes on Dominic while he’s busy keeping his eyes on me. I’ve got one thing on my mind and that’s getting him home and having my merry way with him. Or rather, letting him have his merry way with me.

Dominic likes it best when he gets to order me around and let me tell you what, I like it best that way, too. There’s something so freaking hot about giving myself over to him, about putting all my trust in him and relaxing into his control. In fact, I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it now. I wore my highest, sluttiest heels and my shortest, tightest skirt tonight. I almost went without panties, but decided that was actually a terrible decision with a night of work in between me and Dominic and went with a hot pair of red lace panties—nothing more than two small triangles held together with strings—and a matching bra. When I finally get Dominic to myself, I intend to wow him before I let go and let him wow me.

About fifteen years pass in the span of the next few hours and finally—finally!—the night is over. We hop in my car and I don’t know how I make it home because Dominic’s hands are everywhere and his mouth, dear God his dirty mouth.

“Can you pay attention to the road while I play with your pussy, Dakota?” he asks in that commanding way of his that is nothing but kindling to the fire of my desire. “I can’t wait to taste you, to lick you from top to bottom.”

I shiver and he continues.

“I’m going to fill that tight pussy with my cock and fuck you until you beg for mercy.”

I whimper, more turned on than I’ve ever been in all my life.

“Do you like that, Dakota?”

I nod.

“Answer me.”

“Yes, I like it.”

“You like what?”

“When you fuck me until I beg.” And let me tell you, I’m just about ready to beg right now. Just pull the car over and beg for him to take me in the backseat on the side of the road. I have no idea how I’m going to make it home. Not when I can barely focus on driving.

And then, just when I think I can’t take any more, he pulls his fingers away. I am bereft. Empty. I crave his touch. Covet it. I am famine and he is a feast and I am less able to concentrate now than I was when he was touching me.

Somehow we make it to my apartment and I stride up to the front door in my high heels and tight skirt, with my wet panties and taut nipples, and I feel like the sexiest creature that’s ever walked this earth. I can feel Dominic’s eyes on my swaying hips. On the curve of my waist. I let my eyes burn into his as I unlock the door.

“Will you take control for me?” I ask as I swing open the door.

Lust clouds Dominic’s eyes. “Get inside.”

Of course, a sarcastic response shows up, all locked and loaded and ready to go. I swallow against it because while our normal relationship is full of wonderful banter, that’s not the game we play in the bedroom. I step inside the apartment and wait for him to follow me in and close the door.

He circles me, eyeing me from head to toe. Trails a finger across the back of my neck. Takes my chin between his fingers and lifts my face to his. The man looking down at me is hard. Cold. The look in his eyes is detached, predatory. I shiver because I love it and the corners of his lips twitch up into a smile and his eyes light up.

“I love seeing you tremble,” he says. “I love how you open up for me. Give in to me. I want you and I have you and it’s fucking perfect.” He kisses me, my chin still trapped between his fingers. “Now. Take off your shirt.”

When he releases me, I do as he says, arching my back as I pull it over my head. A low growl sounds in his chest when he sees my bra and I can’t help but feel satisfied in my choice.

“Your skirt.” He makes a motion with his fingers that means he wants me out of it. I obey without hesitation, but also without kicking off my shoes. So now I’m just standing in front of him in my red lace bra and panties and my super slutty, fuck me heels.

“Holy shit. Am I the luckiest man to ever walk this planet or what?”

I can’t help it. My mouth works before I think. “Probably,” I say with a smile and a shrug of one shoulder.

“God, I love your witty mouth.”

“I thought you liked me all silent and obedient.”

“Oh, I like you obedient. But silent? Robotic? Hell no. I love you the way you are, sassy mouth and all.” He undoes his belt and slowly pulls it out of his pants, the hiss of leather on denim filling the small room. “Now,” he says as he undoes his button. “Let me fuck that sassy mouth of yours.”

I’m on my knees before he has to repeat himself. Mouth open, eyes wide as I stare up at him and take him all the way to the back of my throat. He groans and I moan, fully aware of just how the vibrations drive him crazy.

He pulls himself out of my mouth. “Beg me.” And then he thrusts into me again. “Beg me to fuck you.”

Breathless, I pull back. “Please fuck me, Dominic. Fuck me hard.”

A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Stand up.”

I do. My body thrums with need. My panties are soaked and my clit is crying out for contact. A frantic throb that forces me to squeeze my legs together, just to give me a tiny dose of the friction I crave.

“Upstairs.” Dominic’s order is more growl than word and it just does me in. This man is the sexiest experience of my entire life and I am just undone. I pivot, squaring my shoulders and lifting my chin, arching my back just enough to make sure he gets a great view of my ass. And then, with a long glance over my shoulder, I strut upstairs, fully intending to undo him the way he’s undone me.

There’s no doubt in my mind that he wants me in the bedroom. I head straight in and consider being a good girl and just stand there, waiting for him to tell me what to do next. But when am I ever a good girl? I climb onto my bed on my hands and knees and look over my shoulder at him.

What I find makes my insides clench and flutter. He’s got his eyes glued to my ass, his dick in his hand. If lust had a face it would be his. I’ve never felt so beautiful in all my life. After a squeezing his dick in his fist, he tears off his shirt and pulls a condom out of his pants and throws it on the bed.

“Did I tell you to get on the bed like that?” he asks as he climbs up behind me.

I’m working on an answer when he slaps my ass. I cry out, losing my smartass remark in the pain. It’s hot and it’s red and I moan as it fades, slowly crossing the line into pleasure as he rubs and kisses the spot. He strikes the other cheek, the sound ricocheting around my bedroom and I realize that I’m living the life of a porn star. Kneeling on my bed in my red lace underwear and too tall heels, Dominic’s hand prints blazing to life on each butt cheek, my body humming with need and desire and pleasure and anticipation. Since when did my life become such an adventure?

Dominic tugs my panties to the side, doesn’t even bother taking them off. I spread my legs even further as his fingers dip inside me, sliding through my wetness with ease.

“You’re always so wet.”

“Only for you. You do this to me. I want you more than anything.”

There’s a moment of emptiness as his fingers disappear. The sound of a condom being opened. I turn to watch him slide it on because for some reason I love seeing his hands on his dick. I watch as he lifts up off his heels, his cock straining towards me. I watch as he presses himself against me, pushes inside, and finally I feel full.

I am whole once again.

The rest is oblivion. I am lost to him. Nothing but sensation. Nothing but pleasure. He thrusts himself inside me, grunting and moaning, primal sounds for a primal thing as my soul arcs out of my body and twines with his. I stop thinking and just be.

In the moment.

His.

With him.

For us.

My muscles flutter and clench and I’m coming so hard, crying out words that mean I love you and I need you and please take me and keep me and make me yours.

He thrusts inside me one final time, shuddering, coming with a long groan that draws goosebumps rippling across my arms and back. When his spasms subside, he kisses my neck and shoulders, pulls out of me, eliciting one more gasp from my open mouth. I collapse and watch him pull off the condom and throw it away. Kick off my shoes as he comes back to me. Wraps his arms around me and pulls me close.

“I always think I know just how much I miss you until I’m finally with you again,” he says, peppering my hairline with kisses. “And then I feel so much better in so many ways that I realize I had no clue how empty I was.”

A smile starts in my heart and warms my entire body. “I feel the same. My life is empty without you in it. I just wait, counting minutes until you come home.”

He tenses and I realize what I just said. That my apartment was his home. But damn it, he feels like
my
home. Like I belong with him and the where we are is not important as long as we’re together. I know he feels it too and if he gets all weird because I had the courage to say it then he can just get over himself. What we have isn’t your run of the mill lust-filled attraction stuff. This is boundary breaking, line crossing…

I hold my breath, waiting for his response.

“I love that you call your arms home,” he says and I finally exhale.

“You are my home.” I snuggle in closer so I can hear the rumble of his heart.

“I like that.”

“Me too.” I kiss his chest and revel in him. His scent. The tickle of his chest hair against my lips. The salt of his sweat. “When can I come with you again? I’ve been saving for plane tickets. I want you in more than just these tiny doses I get between trips. I want more than just your body every couple weeks. I want to be by your side.”

The words are out before I have a chance to think twice. They are the most secret part of my soul but the one desire that outweighs every other thing in my life since I came home from Arizona. I want to be with him. Not just because I want to see the world, but because I want him. I am an empty shell while he’s gone and a better version of myself when he’s here.

Dominic pushes up on an elbow and there is a thunderstorm of things unsaid in his gaze. His eyebrows draw together. “The last time I brought you with me, I almost lost you.”

That is so not the answer I expected. “I’m right here.”

“But you almost weren’t. When you fell…” Dominic shakes his head, his eyes a million miles away. “My heart shattered. I had been afraid to let myself love you, but as you slipped over the edge, I realized that I already did. And I can’t lose anyone else.” He swallows, seeing ghosts. “I can’t have another hole in my heart.”

I push up on my elbow and put a hand to his face. “But the whole time you’re gone? There’s a hole in my heart. I can’t live like this. I was drowning here before I knew what it was to have you in my life. Now? I am…” I struggle for words, stunned to be having this conversation. “Less.”

That’s all I have. The best way to describe the
dimming
of my life when he’s gone. Sure, I’m more than capable of supporting myself. Of standing on my own two feet. But everything is less than I remember it when he’s not with me. I want to experience life with him because everything is better that way.