Love Left Behind (27 page)

"I'm on my
way."

I ran outside and slid
into the driver's seat of my mother's car, my hand shaking as I turned the key
in the ignition. I tried to calm myself on the short drive over, knowing that I
must look crazy. I was still wearing the crumpled clothes from the day before
that I had fallen asleep in, my hair wild and eyes frantic.

Mrs. Somers' eyes were
red and puffy when I arrived at the hospital. She looked like she had the
weight of the world on her shoulders. She surprised me by giving me a hug when
she saw me, but I didn't question it as I hugged her back. It was a painful
reminder of how close we had once been.

"I don't know what
to do, Emma," she whispered. "He's barely talking. All he keeps
saying is that he doesn't want to spend his life dependent on other
people."

"Should I go see
him? What if I make it worse?" I took a deep breath. "After all, this
is my fault."

Mrs. Somers' shook her
head. "I'm angry at you, Emma. So angry I could spit. What you did to Sean
was inexcusable. But...I can't make you responsible for his life. He's the one
making these choices."

Instead of helping me,
Mrs. Somers' words pained me. Everyone was making excuses for me, even her. The
mother of the man I had destroyed.

"I think you
should go in and see him. Maybe you can get him talking."

I took a deep breath
before stepping into the room. Sean's eyes followed me dully as I walked over
to him, trying not to look at his bandaged wrists.

"Hi, Sean," I
said quietly.

"I guess you
heard." Sean limply lifted one wrist and then let it fall back on the bed.
"I can't seem to do anything right."

"Sean, please. You
don't want this. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know how incredibly
angry you must be right now. You have every right to be. But please, not this.
Don't do something that you'll regret. Don't do something that everyone who loves
you will regret."

Sean turned to me, his
eyes full of pain. "It's okay, Emma. You don't have to humor me anymore. I
know you want to leave. I know that you're with someone else now. I was
determined to get you back. But one stupid impulse when I was feeling hopeless
made that impossible. And now I can't seem to stop making bad decisions.
There's nothing I can offer you. You can go, Emma. It's okay."

Sean's words scared me
more than if he had been insisting that I stay with him. He seemed completely
hopeless now. Before I had seen a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Now it was
extinguished.

"Sean, you have to
promise me you won't try to hurt yourself again," I said urgently, panic
rising in me as Sean just stared at me blankly. "Promise me."

"I promise, Emma."

With those three words,
my fate was sealed. Sean and I had spent a decade together, sharing confidences
and dreams, surviving the anguish of losing my father and the pain of Sean's
father abandoning him. Despite everything that had happened, I knew Sean better
than anyone else. And I knew he was lying.

I sat in his hospital
room for the next hour, watching his mother try to talk to him while he
answered her with one word replies. I was amazed at how calmly I could sit
there while my world was falling apart. Last night, when I had been sobbing
with misery, I had wondered if I had made a mistake. Maybe I was sacrificing my
happiness, but more importantly Jackson's happiness, for a misplaced sense of
obligation. I had been on the verge of deciding that it was too much to give
up. That I would call Jackson today and apologize, tell him he was right, and
get on the next plane to California.

All that had changed.

With a promise of
visiting tomorrow, I left the hospital, but I didn't drive home. I drove to
Troyer Way, a popular hangout for teenagers with a wide green expanse of grass
where cars were often parked.

I parked my car by the
road and got out, walking along a path. It was odd that no one was here now.
This place was usually full of laughing teenagers on a Saturday afternoon.
Maybe Sean's grisly accident was keeping them away. My mother told me that they
had to shear the car in half to get Sean out.

My throat tightened as
I walked up to a towering oak tree, the lush limbs swaying in the light breeze.
You would have never known that someone had tried to kill himself with this
tree, the trunk looking strong and unblemished.

I sat down next to it,
leaning my back against the trunk as I looked up, catching glimpses of blue sky
between the limbs. It looked like a halcyon day. I realized today was the first
day of fall, my favorite season. When the air began to get crisp enough that
you dug into the back of your closet for your favorite warm sweater, the leaves
turning color so that everywhere you looked was a canvas of art. It was a
season of change, to prepare you for the chill of winter so that you could
experience the rebirth of spring.

I sat by the tree for a
long time, contemplating my life and future. I had moved to New York to become
the new Emma Mills, only to find that the old me refused to budge. I decided to
accept that.

On the drive home, I
thought about what I would say to Jackson. I wouldn't lie to him. I had
promised before that I would never lie to him. As much as I loved him, I had to
stay here in Merrittsville to make sure Sean was okay. It wasn't that I was
choosing Sean over him. I was choosing to face my responsibility. I didn't
expect Jackson to wait for me, especially since I couldn't promise when I would
be ready to leave here. I couldn't think beyond that, because it was too
painful to contemplate. To know that there was a chance I would lose Jackson
forever almost made me forget about Sean, to ignore my responsibilities. But
then I remembered the dull look of hopelessness in Sean's eyes.

Despite my decision, I
was still a coward. Jackson had said he would call me when he was ready, and I
wasn't prepared to disregard his wishes by calling him. I told myself that was
the only reason I didn't call him, not because I wanted to postpone the inevitable
conversation as much as possible.

When Jackson didn't
call on Saturday, my mood went from bad to horrible. Maybe I wouldn't even need
to have the conversation with Jackson. Maybe he had already given up on me.

Sunday had the audacity
to be another beautiful day. My visit with Sean was uneventful as he spent most
of it silent, barely answering me. I spent the rest of the day at home,
resentful that my mother was spending a lot of time out of the house because
she wanted to avoid the tumultuous situation. I was also heartbroken that I
hadn't heard from Jackson yet.

So when I answered the
door, wondering who it could possibly be, I was shocked to find Jackson
standing before me. He looked tired with dark circles under his eyes and his
hair tousled as if he had been running his fingers through it. His complexion
was pale and his face looked drawn. I had never seen a more beautiful sight in
my life.

Jackson quirked his
mouth as I continued to just stand there gaping at him, drinking in the sight
of him.

"Are you going to
let me in?"

"Of course!"
I exclaimed, startled out of my reverie. I stepped back to let him in,
uncertain of his mood or why he was here. "I'm just surprised to find you
on my doorstep. This is a long way from California."

Jackson didn't say
anything as he swooped down, gathering me in his arms and burying his face in
my hair. I clutched at him, feeling relief and joy at being in his arms again,
relishing the feel of his body against mine. I had been terrified that I would
never see him again, let alone be held in his arms again.

Jackson pulled back
after a few moments although he didn't release me from the circle of his arms.
He looked down at me, a faint smile on his lips but his eyes were serious.
"This has been about the worst three days of my life."

"Jackson-" I
started, but nothing more was said as he claimed my lips with his, kissing me
gently until urgency took over and we started kissing each other ravenously,
the separation having been acute, building the pressure of our desire.

"Wait," I
said breathlessly, breaking the kiss and pushing him back so that I could see
his face. "We need to talk."

Jackson sighed.
"Talking doesn't seem to solve anything."

"Please, Jackson.
We need to discuss some things."

I led him to the living
room and onto the couch, sitting down next to him. I was now grateful that my
mother wasn't home. Even though the feel and taste of him had been
intoxicating, it didn't change the circumstances of our situation.

"I can't tell you
how happy I am to see you, but what made you decide to come all the way out
here?"

"I wanted to talk
to you in person. I can't see you on the phone. I can't hold you. I need to see
for myself why you're insisting on staying here."

I sighed heavily.
"I won't lie that I was having second thoughts about staying here." I
held up my hand when I saw Jackson's eyes brighten, not wanting to give him
false hope. "But my mind is made up. Sean tried to kill himself again. He
doesn't think there's anything to live for because he doesn't think he'll ever
walk again."

Jackson's eyes darkened
at my admission, but he just nodded his head. "Even though I didn't know
about Sean trying to kill himself again, I was pretty sure you weren't changing
your mind." He took a deep breath before continuing. "That's why I've
decided to stay here with you. We'll stay here until you feel comfortable
enough to leave Sean. We'll figure out what to do afterwards when the time
comes."

I shook my head, not
understanding him. "What do you mean you're staying here? What about the
movie?"

"I quit."

"What?!" I
screeched, hoping against all hope that this was a dream and that I would be
waking up soon. When all that happened was Jackson looking back at me with a
satisfied smile, I felt my heart start to beat erratically. I was doing it
again. I was ruining someone's life because they cared too much about me.

"I asked them if
it was possible to push back the filming date, but I knew that they'd never
agree to it, especially when I couldn't even tell them when I wanted to push it
back to. So I thanked them for considering me and I quit. Even though I signed
the contract, Mark doesn't think they'll pursue any legal action. It's more of
a bother than it's worth."

I shook my head,
horrified as I realized what Jackson had done. "Jackson, no! You can't do
this! This was a chance of a lifetime! You can't just throw it all away for
me."

"I'm not doing it
for you. I'm doing it for us." Jackson caught me by the chin, looking at
me intently. "I meant it when I said I would be happy as long as we're
together, no matter what. If you need to be here, then I need to be here
too."

"Jackson, I can't
have you give this up for me. No matter what you say, you
are
giving this up for me. And I can't handle that kind of
burden!"

"It's no burden,
Emma. I'm doing it gladly. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with
you. The rest of my life doesn't start six months from now when you feel that
Sean's ready to be on his own. It starts today."

I felt panic and fear
clawing at my chest. I couldn't do this. Whether Jackson knew it or not, he
would eventually start to resent me. He would wonder what his life could have
been like if I hadn't ruined it with my obligation. And it was my obligation,
not his.

"Please, Jackson.
I'm begging you. Call them and say you made a mistake. That you had a moment of
insanity. Anything!"

Jackson brushed my
cheek with the back of his hand, the gentleness and love in his touch killing
me. "Emma, listen to me. I've already made up my mind. Nothing is going to
change that. I can work as a personal trainer in a local gym around here and we
can rent a place until we're ready to leave."

I remembered telling
him that I would be happy as long as we were together, even if I was flipping
burgers and he was a bag boy at a supermarket. And it was true, but only if it
was by choice. Jackson didn't have a choice in this. I was forcing his hand.

I looked up at Jackson,
tears falling down my face. I wanted to tell him that I had changed my mind,
and that I would go to California with him, but I knew that was impossible. If
I did that, I would start to hate myself for abandoning Sean. I was afraid I
would start to hate Jackson too.

I took a deep breath,
knowing what I had to do. I steeled my resolve, telling myself to remember that
I was doing it for Jackson. Because I loved him.

"Jackson, I'm not
telling you the whole truth." My heart turned when he furrowed his brow
but I forced myself to continue. "Being back here...seeing Sean...I've
realized I made a mistake. I should have never left him."

Jackson's face whitened
as he dropped my hand that he had been holding. A look of terror crossed his
face as he shook his head. "No. Emma, no."

"I'm sorry,"
I said, openly sobbing now, my heart feeling as if it was being squeezed in a
vice.

Jackson grabbed the
hand that he had dropped, squeezing it so tightly that it hurt.
"Sweetheart, why are you doing this? I said I would stay here with you.
Please!"

I dropped my head,
watching the tears fall from my face onto my lap. It was too much. I didn't
know if I could go through with it. Then I imagined Jackson leading a life of
drudgery, always wondering "what if." I couldn't let that happen.

I raised my head and
pulled my hand out of his, wiping the tears from my face. I took a deep breath,
unable to keep from shuddering as I strove to calm myself.

"I can't tell you
how sorry I am, Jackson. It's not that I don't have feelings for you. But I
realized that Sean and I belong together."