Love Lessons (10 page)

“Alexa, I need your help.”

She glanced back, and for the briefest moment she glimpsed hurt before he quickly masked it. “I can't.”

With hurried steps she moved toward the exit, seeking only to escape before she released the tears that clogged her throat, choking off any decent breath. Her lungs burned from the lack of oxygen. At the restaurant entrance she chanced a look back and found her father weaving his way through the crowded tables toward her.

Please, Lord, I can't handle this. Help me.

Just short of running, she made it outside. The welcoming cold of the air bathed her hot cheeks. She looked up and
down the street, trying to find a place to hide until Ian showed up. When she saw his car parked in the lot beside the inn, she trembled with relief as she rushed toward Ian's vehicle.

When she climbed into his white sedan, she asked, “Can you leave right now?”

“Are you okay?”

Her father stopped at the edge of the parking lot and stared right at her. She twisted toward Ian. “No, I can't talk with him right now.”

Ian started the car and pulled out of the space, avoiding the area where her father still stood, watching her.

After her dad disappeared from her view, she relaxed against the cushion, flexing her hands to ease the tension from fisting them. “Why didn't you run your errands?”
Was that my voice that shook?

“I did one then I just had this feeling I needed to come back to the inn and wait for you.”

“I'm glad. I didn't want to have that conversation on Main Street.”

“What conversation?” Ian slid her a glance, full of compassion.

That look unleashed the emotions bottled up for years—ones she hadn't even been able to say to her father. “Why doesn't he love me? What did I do wrong?” Tears leaked down her face, and she tried to brush them away but more instantly replaced them. “I tried all my life to please him until I couldn't do it anymore.”

Ian turned into a nearly deserted parking lot and stopped the car away from any nearby people. Twisting toward her, he settled his arm along the back cushion. “Is that when you left home?”

She nodded, the lump in her throat so huge she didn't think she could say anything. And the tears still flowed
from her as a turmoil of feelings—worthlessness, guilt, sadness that she'd kept suppressed—flooded her.

Ian drew her to him, encircling her with his warm, protective embrace that conveyed support, that he cared about her.

She sobbed against his shirt, wishing she had been able to change what had happened, wishing she knew why she wasn't worthy of her father's love. Slowly she focused on the feel of Ian's hand as it stroked the length of her back over and over.

She finally heard his soothing words, “It's okay, Alexa. Let it all go.”

Embarrassment washed over her, her wet-streaked cheeks flushed with heat. She'd never intended to fall apart in his presence. She pulled back, wiping her hand across her face. “I'm sorry. I don't know what overcame me.”

“Your father hurt you. You can't keep that inside forever.”

For a flash she got a peek at Ian's own hurt, caused by his wife. She wanted to know so much more about the man who held her while she cried about all the regrets of her childhood. Not once had her father held her and let her cry because she was hurting.

“You want to talk about it? It might help.”

The earnest appeal in his blue eyes unraveled her newly pulled-together composure. The tears threatened again as she looked at him. No more! She couldn't change what happened and no amount of crying would rewrite her past. She swallowed several times. “All my life my father demanded I do things his way, saying that he knew what was best for me. What subjects I should take in school. What extracurricular activities I would do. For the record, I hated piano lessons and had to endure them for ten years. I wanted to do debate. He thought I should be in the science club and concentrate on that because he wanted me to
become a doctor. There were times I didn't feel like I was living my life but his.”

“There are some parents who don't care enough what their children are doing. At least he wasn't that way.”

“But I was miserable. And even when I did what he'd ordered, whatever I did wasn't good enough for him. He wanted me to do even better. I can't remember him telling me he loved me. I needed to hear that. I needed to hear occasionally I was doing a good job.”

“Did you ever tell him how you felt?” Ian kneaded his hand into her shoulder, easing the tension gripping her.

“I didn't dare until that last year at home. After Daniel died unexpectedly, my life fell apart. Daniel and I had planned to marry after a year or so at college. I needed my father to love me. Instead, all he did was tell me his plans for my future. If it hadn't been for my mother, I don't know what would have happened. I felt myself coming apart. Finally I graduated, and a month later I left.”

“What did he say?”

“I wrote him a note. I did tell Mom right before. I didn't want her to worry about me, but I couldn't face him with what I was going to do. I got in the car and drove until I ended up here. I had some cousins who lived here, and it looked like a nice place to live and go to college.” The feel of his fingers massaging her tight muscles made her relax back against the cushion, close her eyes for a moment and savor the bond between them.

“What did he say when you finally talked with him?”

“That he couldn't support my decision, and that I was a disappointment to him. Up until he appeared in Tallgrass, I hadn't seen him in five years.”

“Have you ever looked at this situation from his viewpoint?”

Alexa drew back against the passenger door. “His viewpoint. What is it?”

“Everyone has his side to the story. I'm not condoning his behavior. I'm just saying, have you asked him about why he did what he did?” Ian faced forward, gripping the steering wheel. “I'm a father, and some of his actions I can certainly understand. I want the best for my daughter. I will try my best to guide her toward what I think is best.”

“The key word here is
guide,
not
dictate.
”

“True. But maybe your dad doesn't know any other way than to demand.”

“And that's supposed to make it right?”

“All I'm saying is you need to have that conversation with your father. Hear his side. You tell him yours. Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering, angry, hurting?”

“No.” Would listening to her dad bring some kind of closure on her childhood? Would it help her to forgive him? She knew that was what the Lord wanted her to do. She just didn't know if she could.

Ian started the car. “Pick a private place. A restaurant or the street isn't a place to have that conversation.” As he backed out of the parking space, he peered at her. “And I'll be here to listen afterward.”

Another brick around her defenses crumbled at his offer. Every time she was with him she discovered more things to like about Ian—someone a month ago she would have said was night to her day. Yes, they were still very different, and yet there was a connection to him she hadn't experienced since Daniel. The realization scared her.

 

“So you're gonna come pick me up for church tomorrow?” Jana asked from the backseat of Ian's car.

Alexa angled toward her. “If it's okay with your dad.”

“Can I, Dad? I want to go to church with Alexa.”

Ian parked in front of the corral at the Wild Bill Buffalo Ranch. “Will you be okay if I don't go? I have a lot of work I need to get done.”

Doubt clouding her eyes, Jana glanced from her father to Alexa. “Are ya sure ya can't come?”

“Hon, not tomorrow. I've gotten behind and need the time to catch up.”

Jana squared her shoulders. “I'll be all right then, but I hope you'll come next week.”

“Next week?” One of his eyebrows arched. “Planning ahead. Has Alexa agreed?”

“Well, no.” Her brow creased, Jana swung her attention to Alexa.

“You can go anytime I go.”
But I hope your dad will come, too.

“Great. Let's get a move on it. The party has started.” Jana climbed from the car and rushed toward Ashley, who stood in the barn entrance.

“Have you square-danced before?” Ian opened his door and the light brightened the interior, illuminating the hesitation in his expression.

“No. Have you?”

“Nope. And whenever I danced in the past, I've had two left feet, so I'm warning you now.”

For just a moment Alexa felt as though they were on a date. Which wasn't the case. She had to remember that. She was here because of Jana—not Ian. And yet she had gotten ready as if she was going on a date. Even the fact Ian had picked her up at her house, and come to her door had reinforced that feeling.

“Well, I'm pretty coordinated, so I'll help you make it through the evening.” Alexa exited the car, the cool night
air enveloping her. She shivered. She should have worn more than a sweater.

“Cold?”

“It's a little chillier than I thought it would be. You just never know in Oklahoma about the weather, especially in February. Sunny and seventy degrees one day and snowing the next.”

He removed his jacket. “Here, wear this. The cold doesn't usually bother me. I have a feeling when we get inside it'll be warm. Look at all the people attending.” After gesturing at the vehicles parked near the barn, he slipped his coat over her shoulders.

She snuggled into its warmth, his male scent wrapping around her. Her pulse picked up speed as though his arms had surrounded her in a hug. What would it be like if he kissed her? Not a brush of his lips across hers. Something much more than that. “You're probably right. Did everyone in the HHH group show up here?”

“I know at the meeting last week the kids were looking forward to it and so were the parents.”

“Jana told me she finally went with you to a meeting and had a good time.”

“I think her friendship with Ashley is helping draw her into the activities. That and your influence.”

“I wish my class wasn't on the night you meet with the other parents. I'd love to attend one. Maybe during spring break next month. I'll have the week off.”

“If you've got your planner, pencil us in. How's it working for you?” Ian paused in the entrance to the barn.

“If I would look at it each morning, it would work better. Just writing an activity on the calendar doesn't mean anything if I don't check it the day it's supposed to happen. I'm not used to having a planner, so I've missed a few
things.” Scanning the crowd, she saw a few familiar faces. “I see Nancy. I'm gonna go say hi.”

Before she took a step away, Ian snagged her hand. “When the dancing starts, don't leave me stranded.”

Her heart fluttered. The appeal in his eyes accelerated her pulse rate even more. “I'm sure Jana would be your partner.”

“She said she hopes Randy asks her to dance. She all but told me to stay away and give him a chance. I know she'll be eleven in a few weeks, but she's growing up too fast. She's beginning to think about boys.”

Alexa leaned close to Ian. “I have news for you. She probably was thinking about boys before now.”

His eyes grew huge. “This is the part about being a father I'm fearing.”

She patted his arm. “You'll do fine. I won't abandon you when Zachary gets started with the square dancing.”

As she walked toward Nancy off to the side by the refreshment table, she couldn't help wondering if her father had feared the same thing. She'd never given him much reason to because when she was sixteen, she'd begun dating Daniel, the son of close friends to her parents. He'd often been at her house as though he were part of the family.

She greeted her adviser with a smile. “You all did a great job on the decorations.” Her gaze roamed over the Western-style Valentine's Day theme—hearts done in a red-and-white checker pattern, small Stetsons filled with red-and-white, heart-shaped candy, a cut-out poster of a woman being roped by a cowboy who was pulling her toward him.

“Ashley's family and a couple of other people did all this. I can't take credit for it.” Nancy stepped away from the table off to the side, where it wasn't crowded. “I'm glad to see you here with Jana and Ian. You've been so good for
her. When I saw them at the meeting this last week, Ian stopped to tell me thanks for recommending you.”

“He did?” She searched the throng and found Ian standing with Zachary, talking. In his quiet way Ian commanded a person's attention. Dressed in jeans, a plaid shirt and boots, he looked as much a cowboy as Zachary. Although Ian wasn't used to this casual attire, the only thing, however, that gave him away was the brand-new boots that stuck out from his slightly worn jeans.

“Yes.” Nancy studied her a moment. “I've noticed lately in class you've been distracted. It's not like you to be lost in thought. Is everything all right?”

“My dad is still here. I thought he would go back by now.”

“Isn't that good? Aren't you glad they're trying to work out their issues?”

“You know about my issues with my father.” Not long after saying something to Ian, she'd also confided to Nancy about what was going on with her and her father. “Ian thinks I need to have that conversation with my father. I don't know if I can. I've been avoiding him since we met for lunch, but it's getting hard. He's always at the house when my mom is there. He's determined to get Mom to come home with him. And when my father is determined, nothing stands in his way.”

“But you did.” Nancy shifted farther away from the crowd.

“Yeah, which is probably why he wants to talk. To try one more time to get me to do what he wants.”