Love Life & Circumstance (8 page)

Silently, they made their way into the other room. At the entrance, Elijah shook off Rhett’s hand. “I think I need to do this alone.” Squaring his shoulders, he strode up the aisle and stopped beside the blue casket. He studied the girl lying against the satin. There was a resemblance to Seth in the shape of her face, but the coloring was all wrong, the curve of the eyes were shaped differently. Memory flickered the longer he stood there. A bar, laughter and drinks, some dancing, Rhett, a quick fuck in small hotel room not far away. Had they used a condom? Did Rhett go with them? He didn’t know, couldn’t remember. But, he did remember her.

“You killed my dad,” he murmured low as his chest squeezed. “But, you’ve given me a child. A life for a life. I wish you’d told me.” His hands tightened on the edges of the casket. “I’ll take care of the baby. I promise.” Turning, he walked back up the aisle to Rhett’s side. “Did you know?”

Rhett blanched and shook his head. “It’s true then? The baby’s yours?”

Elijah nodded. “A definite possibility. I have to go.” An urgent need to get to the hospital propelled him out the door. He managed not to stumble down the steps leading out of  Devereux’s, and  paid no attention to the rain that had started to fall. He also ignored whatever it was Rhett called out to him. Elijah climbed into his car and put the 1970 Dodge Challenger into a wheel spin as he reversed out of the drive, spun around in a turn that scorched his tires and hit the gas. Elijah’s mind reeled. He’d thought Seth was in denial earlier when he’d mentioned going back to the hospital, but what he was really going back for was the baby
. Your baby…your child…Daddy…shit Deacon, you’re a dad.

Regardless of the circumstances that marred the situation, Elijah couldn’t stop the smile that threatened the corners of his mouth. Not only was he going to see his child, Elijah would now have every opportunity to see Seth, and talk through what would be needed for the…

“Dayyum!” He voiced to himself as the car gunned through the dark night. He didn’t even know what it was; was the baby a boy or a girl? Should he phone to see if it was okay to just turn up? He groaned and eased up on the gas. Fuck, he was scared.

The clock outside the NICU read nine-thirty in the evening. He’d been there for over an hour, plucking up the courage to approach the reception desk and ask the nurse on duty if he could see his child. A small pyramid of coffee cups was stacked on the waiting room table as Elijah drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair, stood up, paced, glared out the window, and then edged his way out from where he was hiding to stand outside the unit where his child and Seth were. And, where Elijah wanted to be.

God he was a sight; a mountain of a man scared to death of facing the only two people he had left. But, what if Seth didn’t want him there? What if he regretted that kiss? “Shit, shit, shit, Deacon ya pussy. Get ya ass through that door. Whether Seth wants you there or not, that’s your baby.” He pressed the intercom and gave his name. When the buzzer sounded, Elijah pushed through into a startling white corridor and approached the wide eyed nurse at reception.

“Umm…hi. I’m looking for Seth, Mr. Jacobs, and the baby’s room.” He felt the heat in his face as he stumbled through why he was there. When the nurse took him by the arm, he simply followed, ignoring the way she fluttered her lashes at him and trailed her fingers over the swells of muscle. He was there for one thing and one thing only. Elijah was done with pretense. All of his life he’d done everything he could to be the son his father wanted and what had he gotten in return? Lies…lies and guilt. But no more, he had a lot of time to make up for and this was his chance at a new start. He was a daddy now, and Christ help him, Elijah would do everything in his power to see to it that this baby, his baby, grew up strong.

He went through the procedure with the nurse of washing up and donning a set of scrubs that had to be ordered up from downstairs due to his size. Once he was ready, Elijah followed the nurse to a room housing an array of machinery, incubators and chairs. The nurse led him to a small curtained section and swished it aside.  Elijah couldn’t move; he was terrified to make that one small step inside the room where Seth stood with his hands inside the specialized piece of equipment keeping the baby alive.

“She’s got some fight in her, Mr. Deacon. Hope’s getting stronger every day and gaining weight at a good rate. Just be gentle and take Seth’s lead, he’s a natural. Hope responds well to him being here and to any sort of stimuli.” She beamed up at Elijah, and then turned and left him there, alone and scared shitless.

Warmth ran down his face, and Elijah knew he was crying. He couldn’t seem to stop the tears, or care as he watched his daughter grip Seth’s finger with her tiny fragile hand.
Hope
. His heart hammered in his chest and threatened to explode.
A daughter, he had a little girl
. Huge sobs broke free of his chest as he stood there transfixed and unable to move. His whole body shook with fear, but he forced himself to move and took the first step inside.

Elijah’s lungs seized up; he’d never seen anything so small and vulnerable. But, there she was, lying there before him, her huge blue eyes open and alert as Seth whispered words of encouragement for her to fight. She was beautiful, with her ten fingers grasping at her Uncle Seth as she held on for dear life. A tube ran into her nose to feed her the nourishment she needed for weight gain, but she was perfect. A dusting of red hair made Elijah smile. He could just imagine her in a few years with a mop of curls bouncing around a pretty little face. God, he was going to spoil her, and by the look on Seth’s doting face, so would her uncle.

“You’ll grow up to be a right little princess, but first, you have to get strong. So, you do as Uncle Seth says and fight ok?” At Elijah’s broken voice, Seth looked up as though he hadn’t even known Elijah was there.  As much as it tore at him to draw his eyes away from Hope, Elijah met Seth’s look with a warm teary smile.

“I never knew. If I had known about Bethany, I’d have helped her any way I could. I can’t believe he hid this from me. I’ll never forgive him, even though it’s too late to do anything about it now.  She’ll want for nothing, I promise.”

“We need to talk about all this, but not here. I don’t know about you, but I need a drink. It’s been a long day.” Seth’s voice was low, hushed, but Elijah could hear the weariness in his words.

“Why don’t I take you home? You look worn out. I can drop by tomorrow and bring you back here for your truck?” Elijah prayed Seth would say yes.

“I’ll go and let you visit with her alone, and I’ll let Susan know we’ll be leaving soon.” Seth glanced down at the baby girl. “Come here.” When Elijah moved to stand beside him, Seth looked up at him, a half smile on his face. “You’ll need to warm your hands once you put them through. The cold startles her.” With that said, Seth stroked his finger down Hope’s cheek and then gently eased away from the incubator.

Elijah watched as he left, and then eased into the chair. His hands trembled. Just one of his hands was twice the size of his little girl, but he wanted to touch her; feel that she was real. Her fragile little face stirred under his touch, and Elijah stilled as startling blue eyes locked onto his. In that one moment, any grief or pain he felt in his heart melted away. Hope was all that mattered now.

“I never knew your mama very well, Hope. I wish that I did. But, we’ll have your Uncle Seth to tell you everything you need to know. I promise you this, my precious little girl; I’ll always be here for you. And so will Uncle Seth.” He paused to draw a shaky breath. “I can’t believe you’re real. I wanted a child so badly and here you are. Fight my darling; please fight so that I can hold you in my arms and take you home.” Elijah’s throat went tight, as though the lump lodged inside it was now a perpetual feature. He swallowed back even more tears as he counted Hope’s fingers, and then delicately traced her toes.

“Yup, perfect just as I thought.” Elijah smiled. He didn’t know what the future held anymore, he’d never been so uncertain about anything in his life.  
Could he do this? Who knew? All he could do was love Hope with all of his heart and try. Did he want to? More than anything else in the God damned world.

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CHAPTER TEN

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Out in the hallway, Seth leaned against the wall. His head dropped and his chin rested on his chest. Exhaustion, fear and grief combined to sap what little energy remained. He needed sleep, but a fight with Elijah loomed on the horizon. He’d raced to the hospital desperate to see Hope. The entire time he stood at her side, talking about her mother, her grandparents, Rocky, he’d feared it would be his last time. As the biological father, Deacon’s rights trumped his. No court in America would give him custody with the father eager and willing to step in and raise the baby. Tears burned his eyes. He debated just walking out, going back to Atlanta. But, he couldn’t just leave Hope without at least putting up a fight. He’d promised Bethie to take care of her daughter, and promised Hope he’d always be there for her.

Elijah’s words gave him some optimism. He hadn’t just thrown him out, demanded he leave and not come back. What would he do if Elijah went that route? Three days, and already his future revolved around the little girl who stole his heart with a blink of her eyes. Elijah had every right to forbid him to see Hope. Bethany had killed his father; put the baby in danger with her habits. A slight trembling started in his gut and worked its way out. The yawning future loomed large and lonely. For the briefest of instances, Hope had filled the maw. Elijah held all the cards and Seth didn’t know the rules.

When the door beside him swung open, he tensed. Elijah’s huge form filled the space beside him. His ravaged face tugged at Seth’s heart. He’d always been a softie. Beth had always laughed at him when he cried at movies, television shows and even commercials. The devastation on Elijah’s face had him reaching out a sympathetic hand despite the battle that lurked ahead of them.

“She’s doing well, Mr. Deacon. The doctor was in earlier and was very encouraged by her progress.” Blue eyes cleared and met his gaze.

“Didn’t I tell you my name’s Elijah?”

Flustered, Seth withdrew his hand and nodded. “Umm, yes. I think....yeah you did. I wasn’t sure,” he shrugged. “I mean after what we heard tonight, I don’t imagine you’d want me talking to you at all. I don’t know what Beth was thinking, why she would do what she did.” His gaze dropped to the broad chest in front of him. “I just hope you’ll let me see Hope. She’s all I have.” His voice broke. Thick fingers caught his chin and tipped his head back up.

“None of this is your fault. Being angry with you won’t solve a damned thing. That baby in there needs us. I, for one, plan to be a large part of her life. From what I heard when I got here, you do too. So, let’s go talk about her future.” The whisky smooth voice was like a melody in his ears and the fingers beneath his chin felt as if they were plugged into a light socket. Heat tingled at the point of contact and sizzled along his synapses bringing his tired body back to life. The words lifted the anvil sitting on his shoulders, and he relaxed a fraction. The man didn’t intend to cut him out of Hope’s life. He heaved a sigh and tried a weak smile.

“Let’s go, then. We can talk at my place. I need to feed Rocky; he’s been locked up for a while now.” At Elijah’s raised brow, he continued. “My lab, poor guy is completely confused. He’s used to be me being home every day.”

“He stays in the house?”

“Yeah, I got him when I lived in Atlanta. No yard, so he stayed in the apartment with me. He’s a big chicken now, but he’s getting used to the outdoors.”

Elijah punched the button for the elevator. “And he’ll be okay with a baby in the house?” Surprise punched Seth in the gut. There was a possibility Hope would be in his house? The tight knot of fear loosened a bit more as his gaze flicked to the other man. Elijah stared straight ahead.

“He’ll be okay. There were lots of kids in the building I lived in, they loved him. Ear tugs, tail pulls, sticky hugs and enthusiastic petting, he handled it all with a wagging tail.” The elevator dinged, announcing their arrival on the main floor. When the doors slid open, a large, warm hand settled in the middle of his back. Seth’s mouth went dry. They walked through the parking lot in silence, and Seth wondered how on Earth Elijah didn’t hear the pounding of his heart. At a 1970 Challenger, Seth sucked in an awed gasp.

The car was in mint condition. He circled it running his hands over the shiny paint job. “Sweet.” A brief smile graced Elijah’s full lips.

“Thanks. I’ve put a lot of work into restoring it. Dad,” Elijah cleared his throat. “Pastor Deacon bought it when I turned sixteen. It survived high school and college, and when I graduated and came back home for good, I started working on it seriously.”

Seth caught the break in Elijah’s voice, but chose to let it go for now. They’d talk back at his house. He rounded the hood and slid into the passenger seat. The roomy interior shrunk considerably when Deacon slid behind the wheel. The engine roared to life, making him smile, a Hemi, with a nice growly vibration that echoed in his bones. After exiting the hospital parking lot, they retraced the route to Headland. They didn’t speak. Instead, the radio played softly to break the silence.

Although he tried, Seth couldn’t keep his eyes off the man at his side. Trapped in the confines of the car, his awareness of Elijah grew. He chastised himself for the wayward thoughts that drifted through his mind, but it was to no avail. They flourished in the darkness of the car’s interior fuelled by the heady fragrance that was Elijah alone. Engrossed in his thoughts, he struggled to contain his body’s reaction to Elijah. He rubbed sweaty palms down his thighs and breathed a sigh of relief when the turn off for home finally appeared.

“Turn right when you get to Hardees. It’s a small house not far down on the left.” As he followed Seth’s instructions, the car responded beautifully to Elijah’s hands. By the light of the dashboard, Seth watched those long fingers caress the wheel as it spun through the turn. He wondered what they’d feel like on him. Head sufficed his face. What was wrong with him? Every time he was near the other man his mind went south of the belt buckle.