Authors: Rowan Speedwell
“T
HEY
’
VE
moved him up to Cardiac Care,” the woman at the desk said, “but according to the computer he’s in Ultrasound. If you want to wait in Mr. Chastain’s room, it’s 457. Doctor Castellano was up in CCU briefing the cardiologist and I don’t see where he’s checked back in at ER, so you might find him up there. The elevator bank for that floor is right around the corner.”
“Thanks,” Joshua said tightly, and managed not to run as he headed for the elevator. He’d been frantic ever since he’d gotten Sarafina’s phone call telling him Tucker was in the hospital, and it had been a hellish two-hour drive from Albuquerque.
He’d been in the office, still wrapped up in his thoughts after the conversation with Vasquez, and almost hadn’t answered the phone. He’d checked it, of course, half expecting it to be Eli’s number that popped up—although Eli had stopped calling him a week or so ago—and was surprised to see the ranch’s general number. His uncle always called him from his cell phone. When Sarafina’s voice answered his curt “Hello,” his stomach had dropped to his feet; when she’d said his uncle was in the hospital with what they thought was a heart attack, Joshua’s own heart seemed to stop.
Vasquez had been fine with his leaving—had, in fact, told him to take a couple of days to deal with the situation and think about what he wanted. Joshua barely heard him. He was sure he’d broken the sound barrier at least once driving out there, but the road still seemed so terribly long.
Like this elevator ride.
The bell for the fourth floor finally dinged, and the doors slid open. Joshua found the placard that said which direction Room 457 was in, and headed that way.
He came around the corner and stopped.
Eli was leaning against the wall in the corridor a couple yards away, his eyes closed. Jack Castellano was standing entirely too close for Joshua’s liking, one hand on Eli’s shoulder. Eli’s own hand was up, covering Jack’s. “I just don’t know,” Eli said, his voice hoarse.
“Eli,” Jack began, then apparently caught sight of Joshua out of the corner of his eye. He gave Joshua a wry grin. “Joshua’s here.”
Eli’s head whipped around, and the relief and joy in his face made Joshua’s heart stop again. “Oh, thank God,” he said, and shrugged off Jack’s hand to stumble the distance between them, catching Joshua in a tight embrace. Joshua looked over at Jack, confused, and Jack only smiled and shook his head. “Your uncle’s going to be fine,” the doctor said. “I think Eli’s just stressed out.”
But Joshua had stopped listening. He put his arms around Eli, feeling the hard, familiar muscles of his back, and bent his head to rest his cheek on Eli’s shoulder.
God, it felt so good. Like one’s own bed after a forever of wandering.
In Eli’s ear, Joshua murmured, “You were holding his hand.”
Eli barked a laugh that had more than a hint of tears in it. “I was trying to pry him off.”
Jack laughed, then said, “I’m going back down to ER. Call me if you have any questions, Joshua.”
“Sure,” Joshua said, and drew in a deep breath of Eli. “Whatever.”
They held each other up for a while, then Eli drew back and framed Joshua’s face in his hands. The edge of the brace on his left wrist bumped against Joshua’s jaw. “Why didn’t you answer my calls and text, you rotten little shit?”
“I don’t know. Wait. Yes. I do.” Joshua closed his eyes. “I was afraid. I was afraid you would say something to make me come back. I deleted the texts without reading them, and the e-mails are all sitting in my inbox. I couldn’t… I couldn’t say no if you asked me, so I didn’t let you ask me.”
“I’m asking you now. I want you to come home, Joshua. You should never have left.”
“Because it’s my fault Uncatuck is here.”
“No, you damn fool kid, because the ranch wasn’t the same without you.
I
wasn’t the same without you. Damn it, Josh—I love you. I love you, and I want you to stay with me. I don’t care about you killing that girl—I know you were in a hell of a situation….”
“I….”
“No, wait. Hear me out. I gotta say this.” Eli took a deep breath. “I know you had to do it, and if I hadn’t been so shocked when you said that, I’d ’a known better than to think bad of you. No, shut up, I ain’t done. I need to finish. When you got here back in September, you had the look of one of the rescues we get—”
“I looked like a horse?”
“—and I knew then that you’d been through something pretty bad. But you got so much better so quick that I guess I sorta forgot about that, so when you dropped that bombshell, I guess I reacted the wrong way. But the fact is you did what you had to do for what you were doing, and it’s a shame and a tragedy she got caught in the crossfire, but
I know you
. I know you wouldn’t do something like that unless you had to, unless you had no other choice. Jesus,
mijo
, I love you. I shouldn’t ’a judged you like that—you didn’t deserve it. And I’m sorry. I just need you back here, back in my life. I’d ’a gone looking for you if I had a clue where you were living, but you never gave him your address. I just had to wait for you to answer me, and
you didn’t answer me.
” The phrase was a cry of pain. “Jesus,
mijo
. You didn’t answer me, and I needed to tell you. I’d just made up my mind to find the fucking FBI office in town and set myself down in their lobby and just
wait
’til you showed up. I was gonna do it as soon as we got back from the roundup. Just go and sit in their lobby ’til you walked in the door, and I wasn’t gonna let you go.”
“It’s good you didn’t,” Joshua said soberly. “Those chairs are fucking uncomfortable.”
Eli blinked at him. Joshua let a small smile slide onto his face, and he kissed Eli, just a light, soft kiss on the lips. Then he said, “I didn’t kill her.”
Eli stared at Joshua’s face a moment, then said, “Say what?”
“I said, I didn’t kill her. I failed her, I let her die, but I didn’t shoot Lina Santiago. Another of ’Chete Montenegro’s goons did that, a guy named Roberto Matamoros.”
“I don’t get it. What—why were you so upset about it, then?”
Joshua reached up and gently removed Eli’s hands. “I didn’t stop it. She was a girl, she was pregnant, and maybe I could have stopped it, saved her. But I didn’t. I didn’t have the balls to try. All I kept thinking was that if I got killed, the mission would be a bust. I’d have wasted eighteen months of being undercover. I kept hoping ’til the last minute that ’Chete wouldn’t go through with it, that someone else would stop him…. Fuck, Eli. I was
such
a coward.”
“But you left because of it. You left me. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? Jesus, Josh, you
left me
over that—and it wasn’t even
true
?”
“I didn’t leave you because of that. I left because of what it made me. I’m….” Joshua swallowed, trying to get the words out around the enormous lump in his esophagus. “I’m a junkie, Eli, and a coward, and even though the people I killed probably deserved it, I still was the one who killed them. You—you’re a fucking saint, you know that? You’re so damn
good.
You don’t deserve to saddle yourself with someone like me.”
He shouldn’t have been shocked, but he was anyway when Eli reached up and grabbed the nape of his neck and shook him hard. “You damn fool
idiot
!” he snarled. “I’m a grown man and I know damn well what I do and don’t deserve. Jesus, Josh—you need a fucking
keeper
. And I’m just the man to do it. So you make up your mind right this second if you’re gonna walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you or if you’re gonna stay where you fucking belong—with
me
.”
“No contest,” Joshua said, and dropped his head so that his forehead rested on Eli’s shoulder.
Eli’s hand came up and stroked the back of Joshua’s head. “I’m trying to figure out what planet you think you been living on that makes me a saint. I ain’t a saint, boy. I’m just smart enough to know my limits. And to know what I want. And what I want is you.” He twisted his fingers in Joshua’s hair and pulled his head up to meet his eyes. “You’re mine, Joshua Chastain. I think I told you that once before, but you didn’t listen. So listen up this time. Whatever you do, wherever you go, you remember that. You’re mine.”
“Yes,” Joshua said, feeling in that monosyllable all the safety and contentment he’d needed for so long.
Eli kissed him, gentle at first, but with a growing hunger that both aroused and reassured Joshua. Joshua’s fists tightened on Eli’s shirt and he heard the pop of a snap coming open. Growling low in his throat, he pulled harder and was rewarded with an opening big enough for him to shove his hand in and yank up Eli’s undershirt. “Jesus,
mijo
,” Eli groaned, pulling away from Joshua’s mouth. His lips were swollen from Joshua’s kisses and his eyes were hot. “We’re in a fucking hallway….”
“Where’s Tuck’s room?”
“Here….”
Joshua grabbed Eli’s hand and dragged him into the room, closing the door and shoving Eli back against it, then diving in again for the kiss. He broke it only to wrestle the shirt and undershirt over Eli’s head, then went back in, his hands sliding down Eli’s belly to his belt buckle.
“Whoa,” Eli said. “Hold it.”
“What?” Joshua panted. Eli’s hands came down on his, holding them still.
“This….” Eli grinned. “This is good. But
this
way.” He yanked Joshua around and slammed him up against the door, stepping into his space with one knee between Joshua’s and a hand on Joshua’s neck. “Been waiting a while for you to come to your senses, and I’m done waiting,
comprendes, chico
? So….” He grabbed the lapels of Joshua’s suit jacket and dragged it down, trapping his arms, then did the same with Joshua’s white shirt, so that buttons flew everywhere. “When you got off that bus in Miller,” he said in a low voice, its heat giving Joshua shivers, “I was expecting you to look like a TV FBI agent, suited up and cool as a long drink of water. But you know? I think you look best like this.” He ran his hands over Joshua’s chest, then leaned forward and whispered, “All tangled up and hot for me. You like this, Josh?”
“Yes,” Joshua whispered back.
“Good.” Eli unbuckled his belt and undid the button and zipper on Joshua’s black trousers, then turned him around to face the door, tugging the pants down to Joshua’s knees and pulling his jacket and shirt off. “Bend over for me,” he murmured, and Joshua obeyed, bracing himself with his freed hands on the hospital room door.
It was cool in the room and the faint wisp of circulating air danced over Joshua’s bare ass. “Eli?” he rasped.
“Keep your shirt on,” Eli chuckled, and then his hands were on Joshua’s glutes, sliding slickly over the skin and down between. Joshua’s nose caught the faint scent of lube. Eli’s mouth settled, warm and soft, in the curve above. “You need another tattoo,” he said, the words buzzing against Joshua’s skin.
“I do?”
“Yeah. Right here. One of them tramp stamps. Saying ‘Property of Eli Kelly’.” His tongue dipped between Joshua’s buttocks, sliding lower to tease at Joshua’s entrance. Joshua moaned and leaned on the door, letting himself relax for Eli. “Just like that,” Eli said approvingly, and then Joshua felt his fingers stroking him, sliding past and inside.
Joshua sighed and shuddered in delight. When he felt the blunter, heavier weight of Eli’s cock pressing, he shifted again, spreading his legs as best he could in the tangle of fabric around his knees. Eli seated himself with a long, steady thrust, and when his hips butted up against Joshua’s ass, he let out a long slow sigh of contentment, which Joshua echoed.
Eli dropped a kiss on Joshua’s shoulder, then started to move.
Joshua folded his arms, rested them against the door, and leaned his forehead on them. Eli’s hands moved from Joshua’s hips to his waist, then around, one hand stroking across Joshua’s chest, the other reaching down to curl around Joshua’s cock. In Joshua’s ear, Eli whispered, “Don’t leave me, Joshua.” His voice sounded broken.
Joshua reached down to cover Eli’s hand on his chest, holding it hard against his heart. “Never again,” he said. “Never again. If I’m yours, Elian Kelly, then you’re just as much mine.”
“I was just afraid you’d forget me in the city, that you’d go back to being what you were before and forget all about me.”
Joshua let out a harsh laugh. “Don’t you know? I never forget anything.” His voice softened. “Least of all you.”
“S
TINKS
in here.”
Eli laughed as he held Joshua’s shirt out to him. “Yeah, well, there’s that. You feeling okay?”
“Fine. I can’t believe you had lube and condoms in your pocket. Planning something with Castellano?” Joshua put his arms through the sleeves, then realized there weren’t any buttons left. He shrugged and put the jacket on over the shirt, buttoning it up over his chest.
“Nah. I’d had ’em in there from a couple months ago. Wore this same jacket when we rode out to the canyon.”
Joshua glanced up to see a sappy grin on Eli’s face. “Seems like a lot longer ago than a couple months.”
“Mphm.” Eli opened the door, looked out into the corridor, and then threw the door open wide to let the room air out. Joshua didn’t mind the scent of come, but anyone who walked into the room just then would have a good idea what they’d been up to. Thanks to the en suite bathroom, they’d been able to clean up, but the smell lingered a bit. “God, I’m sick of hospitals,” Eli said. “First you, then me, now Tuck. Thought I was done with them when I left the rodeo.”
“Well, hopefully we’re done now.”
“Third time’s a charm, they say.”
Joshua dropped into the bedside chair. “You know, if they’d put Tuck in one of those emergency room cubicles, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Eli grinned. “Sure it woulda. Just been a little trickier, is all.”
“Says the guy who was scared to do it in the barn because he didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Well, funny thing about that. Seems like they all knew anyway.”