Authors: Michelle Lynn
“What Maddy?” He speaks so soft I barely hear him.
“You destroyed me. I don’t want to pick myself up from you again. One of these times I won’t survive it.”
“I’m sorry. I know I have been a jack ass to you but I swear if you give me a second, third or whatever chance this is I will prove it to you.” He sits me on the bed and gets down on his knees in front of me holding my hands.
“Trent, that’s not the only reason.” I silently say.
“Gabe?” He confirms pulling his hands away from me.
“When you were destroying me he was picking me up. You both hold a place in my heart and I don’t want to lead either one of you on but…” here comes my rambling.
“What do you want from me Mad? Anything just name it.” He picks up his head placing his hands on each of my hips.
“Nothing. Trent…you are who you are. I either have to accept it or not.” I put my hands on his face, the sweet face that gave me my first kiss and my first sexual experience and most of all my first love. Now all grown up with blonde stubble on his cheeks I can’t break his heart not like he did mine.
“Please don’t choose him.” He shakes his head back and forth.
“Trent” I sigh.
“Give it time, think about it Maddy. You have always been the one for me. You take care of me, believe in me and love me no matter who I am. You know how great it is to know you don’t love me because of my money or that I am a soccer player for the Soccer National League.”
“There are girls that don’t care about that, you just don’t hang out with them.”
“No girl compares to you. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you.”
“I can’t make this decision now Trent, please don’t make me.” I beg him.
“No but I can’t wait forever Maddy. It kills me when you are with him. The way he looks at you.” He stands up taking my hand.
“How does he look at me?” I bite my lower lip unsure of my question.
Trent looks back at me and then flicks his eyes forward again. “Help me clean this mess up.” Not answering my question.
A few hours later Trent drops me off at my mom’s house.
“Finally girl. I have been calling you all night.” Ian runs towards me embracing me.
“What’s all that?” I ask looking over his shoulder to the scattered pictures across my living room floor.
“Your mom and I are trying to find a picture of your dad.” He walks back over to the coffee table.
“Why?” I ask placing my purse on the new bench in the foyer and following him.
“Jack and Lindsey want to display a picture with a lit candle at the church and reception in honor of him.” My mom answers caring two glasses of ice tea. She is wearing another new Capri and button down shirt outfit and her hair is perfectly styled in the bob.
Where was this woman when I was growing up?
“That’s nice.” I pick up some of the pictures thumbing through them.
“Your mom said she is having a hard time finding the right one.” Ian said. “I must say though, your dad was a gorgeous man.”
“Like Jack” my mom and I say at the same time. We look at each other and she smiles at me but I don’t. I am not ready for some grandmother daughter relationship she seems to want.
Everyone who knew my dad when he was younger saw the resemblance of Jack turning into him as he got older. The dark hair and striking green eyes is the first thing people notice but if you truly knew both of them it was their high cheekbones and narrow nose they shared as well.
“Yeah, I see it. Both complete hotties.” Ian smiles over to me and I smile back. “Such a shame. Which brings me to my next question?”
“Do I even want to ask?” Picking up some more pictures looking at the family photos. I can’t believe my mom even kept these.
“Are there any men in this town that play for my team?” He asks. “Kenna has been taking me around since you have been
busy
with the Basso brothers and I haven’t seen one and trust me I know when I see them.”
I roll my eyes in his direction for the Basso brother comment. “I guess I never noticed. They are probably hidden in the closet still.” I shrug.
“I can tell you where to go Ian. There is this bar about twenty minutes out of Belcrest. In my high time I went in there and couldn’t figure out why no one was hitting on me and then the bartender told me to look around.” My mom divulges. Of course she would know of a bar.
“Let’s go tonight Maddy.” He is up on his knees clapping his hands in excitement.
“I’m exhausted and I have to take care of some stuff.” I say.
“Maddy, you need a night away from those boys.” He pleas. “Clear your head. You love the gay bars because no one bothers you there.”
“We have the Bar-B-Que.” I whine. I’m not sure why I don’t want to go. Ian and I have so much fun going out in New York and he is right I always favor the gay bars because no one comes up behind me when I dance trying to hump me.
“After” he begs.
“Um…”
“You should go Maddy. These boys have been running you wild the whole week. Once Friday comes it will be crazy. Go enjoy yourself.” My mom pushes.
“Okay. After the Bar-B-Que. Let’s invite Kenna too.” I say.
“We can invite everyone. Barb, did you want to come?” He asks her.
She looks from Ian to me and shakes her head no but her eyes looks distraught and upset.
“I’m surprised you kept all these pictures.” I change the subject.
“Why?” My mom asks.
“I don’t know. I just figured after you and dad divorced you wouldn’t want to remember them.” I shrug my shoulders.
“Ian, would you excuse us a minute?” My mom asks him. Poor Ian, I have left him alone this whole week. He keeps getting shut out due to the family issues. I owe him tonight.
“Of course Barb.” He winks at me while getting up and going upstairs to Jack’s room.
“Maddy, I know I wasn’t the best mother especially after your dad and I divorced. I see the hatred in your eyes.” She swallows hard hesitantly grabbing my hand with hers. “But I did love your father and our family together. When he asked me for the divorce, I knew it was coming, I knew it was my fault.”
“Dad asked you for one?” I had thought for sure it was the other way around.
“Yes, but he had every reason to. I was gallivanting around behind his back for years. I don’t know if it was because we married so young or I was just being self-centered. I felt like I missed out on something by marrying my high school sweetheart. Then he had to start going out of town and I was responsible for you and Jack all the time, I assumed he was cheating on me so I decided to start living my life.” She squeezes my hand.
“After he asked for the divorce and I knew it wasn’t because of another woman coming between us, I lost it and started going out more and drinking more. Somewhere in all of that I forgot I was a mother and I abandoned you and Jack. Jack was older so he probably embraced the freedom it allowed him to have but you were so young. I’m sorry Maddy.”
I shake my head up and down.
“I wish I could say your dad’s funeral was my low point but as we both know it wasn’t.”
I shake my head in agreement. The fateful night that I assume she is going to bring up and I can’t talk about it. Especially not in this room. It might be redecorated but I can still visualize the night clearly.
“The way I acted, bringing that guy, being drunk when you and Jack needed me there for you. I was so upset when I found out, I stayed drunk the whole week, going out and finding men to replace him. I guess a part of me always thought your dad and I would get back together.” She takes her glass taking a sip and I see her hand is shaking as she picks up the cup.
“You were so right to yell at me. I wish then I would have realized what I had done to you. The regrets I have consume my thoughts every day. I know you can’t forgive me and I understand but I want to tell you something.”
“Ok.” I whisper.
“After that night and I mean the next morning after I knew you were ok at the hospital, I checked into a rehab facility. I have been clean for two years now.”
“That’s good.” Did she think this would make me all better? “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask.
“I wanted to prove it to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry for everything I did. I love you and I hope one day you will forgive me but if you can’t I understand.” She pats her hand on my knee standing up and walking away.
This trip just gets better and better every minute. I am happy for my mom. That she is finally getting her life back but I still resent her for what she did and what she didn’t do for me. It makes me realize it is time, time to go. I have been ignoring the pull since I got here. The problem is I can’t ask Gabe to take me and I don’t want to ask my mom because I don’t want her asking any questions. I decide to go for a run over there. It is only two miles, I am sure my body hasn’t forgotten how to run in the year I have deserted it.
I dig through my drawers in my room, finding my running shorts and shirt. Luckily I have a pair of old running shoes in the closet as well. The shorts and shirt are a little tight considering my body changed over the years but it will do. This way I can escape without anyone knowing where I am going.
The first two blocks are horrible. My breath is so uneven I think I am going to have to stop but something kicked in when I hit the corner. My stride and breath come back to normal. I knew my body would remember. When I get to the cemetery entrance I’m not prepared to see Trent’s car there. I can see him up on the hill kneeling on the ground. I don’t want to interrupt him so I stay down by his car until he is finished. I wonder if he comes here often.
I am mesmerized watching him as he talks to the right of the headstone. He wipes his eyes a few times showing me he is crying. He didn’t forget, this whole time I thought he had. Tears are welling up in my eyes when he turns around stopping suddenly at the top of the hill. He is too far away for me to see but I know the sorrow he feels, I feel it too.
I am playing with my fingers looking at the ground when he walks up to me.
“Hey” his voice shaky.
“Hey” is all I can say back.
“Do you come here a lot?” He asks.
“My first time since that night.” I shamefully admit. “You?”
“Every time I come back to town.”
I look up surprised at his response.
“I know you think I don’t care but I do Maddy.”
“No, that’s not it.” I shake my head back and forth.
“It’s Ok, I have been a selfish prick most of our life.” He puts his hand on my arm. “But this” he motions up the hill. “It’s something I can never forget.”
“I know.” I gulp hard trying to get my tears to subside until he leaves.
“Well, I will leave you alone.” He kisses my cheek and walks over to the driver side. “By the way, nice running clothes. I think I remember tearing those off of you a time or two.” He smirks bringing humor to the uncomfortable situation.
I smile up to him but say nothing more.
I wait until Trent drives away then stand at my last feat. It took too much strength to come here in the first place, now I have to make it up that hill Trent just came down from. I slowly walk up looking at the numerous headstones with names I recognize of schoolmates or neighbors. Everyone in town is or would be buried in the cemetery.
Finally I reach my destination. Jennings reads over the headstone. It is my dad’s family headstone. My grandparents and one uncle are also laid here. I sit down ready to face him. The angel statue next to his name reminds me I should have come sooner.
“I wish you were here. You always gave me the best advice.” I run my hand across his name. “I don’t know what to do about Gabe and Trent let alone mom. What has happened to my life?”
I sit there in silence listening to the birds chirping and leaves swaying in the wind. The cemetery is off the main roads so there is no noise of cars or people. I don’t know what I expected to get from this. I pick at the weeds around the family stone contemplating leaving thinking maybe this was a mistake.
“I miss you…every day.” I softly say. “I know I haven’t been here but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.” I touch the angel caressing the ridges with my thumb.
“I hope you will forgive me. Isn’t it absurd, I am asking for your forgiveness when I can’t forgive mom or Trent? Is there an act that is unforgivable?” I shake my head knowing there are but what mom and Trent did are not unforgivable.
“I know you would tell me to forgive them you never were one to hold grudges. God, why did you have to die on me?” I put my head in my hands crying. “My life is a disaster dad. Gabe found me at Trent’s apartment today and he thinks I slept with him but I didn’t. Trent wants me to desert Gabe and move right back in with him but I love Gabe, at least I think I do. Now mom tells me she has been clean for two years and she hasn’t told me until now. I have been living my life for three years with no one to look over me or guide me. I am so mad at you for leaving me.” I pound my fists onto the ground crumpling.
“I was mad at first too.” The deep voice speaks behind me. I didn’t hear him come up. “I would sit here and scream at him for leaving us but eventually it stopped. It wasn’t his fault Maddy, he didn’t want to leave us.” He rests his hand on my shoulder.
“Oh Jack, I miss him so much.” I try to wipe the tears but I can’t catch them fast enough.
“I know Maddy, I know. I do too.” He kneels down wrapping his arms around me tight. “Talk to me. I know I haven’t been the most welcoming to talk about your love life but listening to you now makes me feel like a shitty brother.”
“You don’t want to hear it Jack. This week is about you and Lindsey. My problems shouldn’t be your concern.” I say into his chest my breathing still unsteady.
“I want to help you. Come on let’s go get something to eat.” He stands up asking for my hand. My fingers rub across the letters and the angel one more time before I take Jack’s hand.