Love Me Broken (19 page)

Levi wipes his forehead. His face is sweaty and smeared with grease, and his eyes are bloodshot.

“Damn,” he says. “I think that’s the last of it.”

We’re at the shop, with the garage door open to let in some cool air to beat the afternoon heat. It’s been two days since the party, and I still haven’t called Erica. Part of the reason is that I’m still not sure what to think of the situation. I didn’t want a relationship. I can’t have one in my position. And
she’s
leaving too. What’s the point of it?

The other reason I haven’t called is because we’ve been exceptionally busy at work.

A big motor show is coming up in two weeks at Seaside, and every shop within a thirty-mile radius is overbooked until then. Everyone wants to get his bike fixed up and polished before the show. This was apparently a large part of the reason I was hired on for the summer, and even working overtime, Levi and I can barely keep up with all the appointments Old Man Watson has been booking. He must be serious about getting in what he can before retirement. When we’ve clocked out each night, I’ve passed out, exhausted. This routine is really hard on my body.

I watch Levi wash off his hands, then I move toward the sink to lather up my own. He’s been teasing me about my black eye the last few days—it’s now a purple sliver on the bottom of my left eye—but he hasn’t asked about Erica.

“You want to grab pizza for dinner?” he asks.

I hesitate for half a second. If we get pizza, that means I probably won’t see Erica tonight. “Sure,” I say, although I feel like a coward.

He says good-bye to Mr. Watson while I lock up the shop. It’s still light outside—the sun doesn’t set until 9:30 or so—but the air is cool, and there’s the after-work, school’s-out bustle on the streets. I look at the passing cars and the busy people on the sidewalks for a moment. They feel so far away, so separate from my own existence.

I turn, hearing Levi’s steps coming down the stairs, and plaster a smile on my face. But I don’t listen as Levi chats on our way out the door, around the corner, and to the pizza shop at the other end of the block. We split the cost of a large meat lover’s and make our way by foot back to his house. Levi’s still talking, and I—I can’t listen. I just miss Erica so fucking much. I know I should just call her, but it’s not that simple. It’s almost more painful to be around her, to know what I’ll be missing.

Levi stops about a block away from his house. I look over at him, surprised, and see that he’s got a look on his face that’s half annoyed, half concerned about me.

“Dude,” he says, “you there? I feel like I’m talking to myself over here.”

I force a smile. “Yeah, man, sorry. Just tired, I guess.”

He doesn’t return my smile. He just looks at me for a full moment, then starts walking again. I have to hurry to catch up to him, and he doesn’t look or talk to me even as we enter the house.

Fucking hell. Now he’s going to be mad at me? I can’t take this.

He sets the pizza box on the kitchen table and goes into his room to change out of his work clothes. I’m left alone in the kitchen. The place feels so small, like the walls are closing in on me, and my chest starts to hurt like I can’t breathe.

“Shit,” I whisper, getting scared, and force myself into the garage and shut the door behind me.

I don’t want to freak out, but if I do, I sure as hell don’t want Levi to see it happen. I don’t want anyone to know.

I sit down on my bed in my work clothes and just spend a minute or so working to catch my breath.

“Pull it together,” I tell myself through gritted teeth. And soon enough, I do.

I change mechanically out of my work uniform and into a t-shirt and jeans. I should probably shower, but I don’t have the energy. I’m so fucking exhausted. I go back into the kitchen and find Levi pulling off a slice of pizza and setting it on a paper towel. He doesn’t look at me, and he starts to walk into the living room. I approach the pizza, and before I get there I hear a shrill beeping noise that seems to be echoing around the house.

I turn in a circle, thinking a fire alarm has been set off, and can’t find the source of it. Levi has turned back, standing midway between the kitchen and the living room, and has a look of utter amusement on his face.

“What is that?” I ask him, anger and panic in my voice.

Levi laughs, and I just get pissed. I don’t want to be in this shitty little house another moment.

“What the fuck, man,” I shout at him. “What the hell is that sound?”

But this only makes him laugh harder. He’s almost dropping his pizza, he’s laughing so hard. It’s not until I take a step toward him that he realizes how pissed I am, and he stops laughing long enough to put up a hand.

“Dude,” he says, “it’s your phone. Don’t you even know your own phone?”

I stare at him blankly. Phone? I don’t get it at first. Then I look down, and I can fully tell that the ringing is coming from my pocket. It’s the new cell phone, the disposable one. I’ve never had a call on it before, so I didn’t recognize the ring tone.

“Aren’t you going to answer it?” Levi asks, still amused.

“Oh shit,” I say, and fumble out the phone and press the green button to answer the call. “Hello?” I ask, putting it up to my ear. “Who’s this?”

There’s a moment of silence on the other line. Then a soft voice says, “Hi.”

Erica.

My shoulders slump and my heart starts beating like crazy at the sound of her voice. I can’t resist. It’s like putting food in front of a starving man. It doesn’t matter if it’s poison when you’re hungry enough.

“Erica,” I say softly, my whole tone different now. I think about apologizing for not calling, then reconsider. It doesn’t matter now. “Where are you?” I ask.

“Home,” she says. I hear her breathing on the other end, and the sound is so fucking sexy that blood starts to rush to every part of my body at once.

“You want to get dinner?” I ask without thinking.

“Now? I mean, I guess I could. Yes.”

“Do you want me to come pick you up?”

There’s a brief pause. “Yeah. Give me half an hour though.”

“Okay.” I’m smiling now.

“Okay,” she says, and I swear she’s smiling too. “See you then.”

I hang up and suddenly I’m back in the kitchen. As soon as I heard her voice, it was like being transported somewhere else. Now I’m back, and I see Levi looking at me with a stupid grin on his face.

“Dude,” he says, “you should have just told me it was about a girl. I get it.”

I want to be mad at him, but I’m too excited about seeing Erica again.

Half an hour. She said half an hour. That gives me enough time to shower off the day and maybe figure out a place to take her.

But I don’t even care where we go. I’m so fucking elated just to be seeing her again. I don’t even care if it’s wrong. I just want to be near her so much.

I hear the motorcycle even before he turns onto my block. Its rumble reverberates in my bones, and it’s like some deep place inside me is waking up.

Then I snap out of it and rush around my room to gather my things. I stop by the mirror and double-check myself. I’ve got on a short pink skirt with leggings underneath—the wind from the motorcycle almost guarantees everyone will be looking up my skirt, and I don’t really feel like giving them a show—and a pastel green top that complements my red hair. I’m wearing it down—it’ll be under the helmet anyway, so I don’t have to worry about wind—and on my face I’ve got a light shade of lipstick. Coral.

In my half-second estimation, I look very clean and put together. I’ve already laced up a pair of teal shoes, so all I have to do is run downstairs and try to keep my heart from exploding on the way down.

I exit through the front door, and am about to lock it when I look over to see my mom in her normal chair on the porch. She’s got a quilt over her knees, and her eyes are blinking at the sound of the motorcycle’s engine idling.

“Bye, Mom,” I say as I take short quick hops down the front steps and along the path to the street.

And then I look up and see Adam on his motorcycle. His dark hair gleams in the afternoon sunlight, and his brown eyes, his look—it stops me in my tracks.

I take a slow step forward, taking in this beautiful guy who has suddenly and forcefully entered my life. Although I try to keep my eyes on his, I can’t help but notice that he’s wearing a tight white t-shirt that hugs his chest and makes his shoulders look huge. His muscular legs are hugging the bike in a set of dark blue jeans, and he’s got on tan work boots. He smiles, and his face softens with the expression. He’s shaved recently. His face looks smooth and boyish. But his eyes—his eyes look ageless and tired. Yet, in this moment, happy.

He hands me the helmet. “So,” he says, “I couldn’t really figure out a place to eat, so I figured we’d just ride downtown to the trolley and get off when we felt like it.”

“Sure,” I say. “I know a few places. And, to be honest, I’m not super hungry.”

He smiles almost guiltily. “Me either,” he says.

I put on the helmet and climb onto the rumbling motorcycle. It’s almost a familiar feeling at this point, and one that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to associate with anyone but Adam.

This is my favorite part: right before we take off, that moment of anticipation when I put my arms around Adam. Neither of us wears a jacket this time, and since we’re both in t-shirts, my bare arms are able to feel his body through his shirt like never before. Oh, he feels nice. His stomach is firm, and his chest—I have to work to keep my hands from finding their way upward to feel him.

Be good, Erica, I tell myself. I lace my fingers together to keep them from exploring, and grab tight around his stomach.

Then three, two, one—and we’re off! That first moment of movement, lurching us forward as if by accident, sends a delightful tickle through my stomach. Even though I’m prepared and expecting it, there’s something frightening about it nonetheless. But in a good way. It’s exciting. And I have the excuse to lean forward and squeeze Adam as much as I desire.

Really, I’m sure I could squeeze him as tight as I want throughout the whole ride and he probably wouldn’t mind.

We turn left at the end of my block and head downhill toward the water. This part I don’t enjoy as much. I know Adam is going slow, but it’s frightening for a whole different reason knowing that we have to cross a line of traffic to reach the downtown waterfront. As we get close, I close my eyes and just hold onto Adam. If a car is nearby, I don’t want to know.

My eyes are squeezed shut, and I try to keep track of where we are by the sensation of movement. Moving forward here, stopping briefly there (probably a stop sign), then loud noises and the feeling of sun. When we stop again and the engine cuts out, it feels much too soon to be done. I open my eyes and see that he has pulled into a parking spot in a lot right by the water. I let go of him and set my feet down. Adam hops to the ground and helps me off.

“Thanks,” I say, my voice muffled by the helmet. I pull it off and say thanks again so he can hear me.

Without the tinting of the helmet, the world seems too bright at first. I squint over at Adam and see that he’s looking at something in the distance.

“I figure we’d take the trolley from here.” He turns to me and smiles. “That is, if you don’t mind playing tour guide.”

I smile back and look out toward the water. It’s a beautiful day; the sun sends slanted light that feels warm and friendly down to the water. There’s a slight breeze. I feel it in my hair and see it chopping up the surface of the water, creating ripples of light like hot diamonds in the afternoon sun. Adam locks his bike and we start to walk along the pier, until we get to a set of rail tracks set into the platform. I cross them to a little bench and stand next to it.

“Is this a trolley stop?” Adam asks.

I look at the bench. “Doubtful. But it doesn’t matter. It’ll stop anywhere.”

Adam considers this and nods.

There’s quiet between us, but it feels peaceful with the sound of the gulls and the waves in the distance. We face back toward the town. The trees are a deep summer green, and low-hanging clouds drift past the peak of the hill. Again I can’t help but notice what a gorgeous day it is.