Authors: Villette Snowe
“Either.”
I nodded.
I’d done right to call Elizabeth. Already I felt like I could comprehend my surroundings better. Maybe it was her kind face or maybe it was the vindictive pleasure I got for ragging on dipshit Brad.
She turned into a gated development off Baymeadows Road and drove through the neighborhood. The houses got bigger the farther in we drove. The drive she stopped in was one of the last. The houses on her street had more lawn than any of the others we passed. She’d said once that she lived in an $800,000 house. That must have been the value when she bought it years ago. It was huge, all brick with a wraparound porch and a three-car garage.
“So, where’s dipshit staying?” I said.
She smirked. “One of my rental properties. I wanted to get Rachel back home, so I offered.” She turned off the ignition and opened her door.
“Elizabeth.”
She looked over at me.
“Thank you,” I said.
She smiled. “Letting you come stay with us doesn’t come close to repaying you.” She stood from the car.
I stepped out and grabbed my bags from the backseat. Realizing I’d just flung them in, I took a look at the very fine leather to make sure I hadn’t scratched it. I’d have to be more careful. Surely, the inside of her house was just as nice as her car. I was used to my small room, to everything in it being mine. I hadn’t been a guest anywhere in a very long time. It was definitely going to be interesting, especially in my current state.
“Do you want some help?” she said as I walked around the car.
“I’m good.” Did she really think I’d let her carry my bags?
I followed her up the front walk and into the house.
The house was beautiful—dark hardwood, molding everywhere, and huge rooms.
“You look exhausted,” she said. “When’s the last time you slept?”
I couldn’t think of when. The last day felt like two months, not some miscellaneous Wednesday. I was fairly certain today was now Thursday, not that it mattered.
“Have you eaten?” she said.
“I’m not hungry.”
She smirked. “Put your bags down there and come with me.”
I obeyed.
She had me sit at the table in the kitchen. I rested my elbows on the table and stared at my hands, and she went about opening cabinets.
Then there was a clunk of ceramic on the table in front of me.
I focused on the plate, linguini and oil.
“It’s just leftovers,” she said.
It smelled heavenly. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was, how much my stomach hurt. I pulled the plate closer and picked up the fork.
She sat at the table with me. “It’s not exactly breakfast food.”
“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “Thank you.”
A few minutes passed.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” she said.
I took a bite and chewed while looking at the plate.
“I understand,” she said. “Just know I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
Without looking up, I nodded once.
I set the fork on the plate, and before I could stand to take it to the sink, she took it and put it in the dishwasher.
She had me follow her back toward the entry hall, where I grabbed my bags, and then went upstairs to a guest room. Then she left me to “settle in.” I’d never really gotten what that meant. I wasn’t going to put any of my clothes away in the dresser or closet. I wouldn’t be here longer than a day or two. Elizabeth would welcome me to stay longer, I was sure, but it hardly looked appropriate. Surely, her every action was being scrutinized with her divorce pending—and dipshit trying to suck money out of her. If he could prove her infidelity, especially when she couldn’t prove his, she’d be screwed.
I sat on the bed and stared out the window to the trees at the back of the house. Somewhere in my mind I knew I was starting to doze. Then I slumped sideways onto a pillow.
Dreams took over my mind. I hadn’t dreamt of Cassie in years, but there she was standing in front of me. We were seventeen, and her parents were out of town.
She didn’t quite meet my eyes as she pulled off her shirt. Then she unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor.
My heart pounded. I stayed seated and watched, allowing her to control the pace, where and
if
she wanted to stop.
She unzipped her pants and lowered them. I’d never seen this much of her golden skin. She stood straight, only a little pair of cotton panties on, and she finally met my eyes. “I love you,” she said.
I paused to admire her, my beautiful Cassie. My head tilted as I took in each perfect angle, and she smiled a little.
Then I stood and took her hand.
It was our first time together. I stayed all night with her, knowing Penny would scream at me in the morning. I didn’t care.
Only a few years later, I’d look back and realize this was when I fully committed myself to Cassie. I’d already told her I loved her—this was when I showed her.
Then the scene morphed. The sheets changed from purple cotton to black silk.
“Heath,” Kimber moaned. Her voice vibrated through me.
And then she was out of my arms. Her warmth was gone, only desolate cold.
“Kimber.”
My own voice calling out pulled me from sleep.
Chapter 31
Another Woman Lost
I sat up and tried to remember where I was. Kimber, she was just here. I couldn’t find her.
Then everything flooded back. The dream was real.
I let reality sink in for several minutes. It felt like that horrible spidery ache of blood rushing back to a body part that had fallen asleep. It settled into my veins like barbed wire.
Then I got up and went to the en suite bathroom to take a piss.
Back in the bedroom, I took off my shoes and made sure they hadn’t left any dirt on the bedding. It looked fine.
I sat back down on the bed and noticed a folded piece of paper on the nightstand. “Went to get Rachel. Will be back.”
So, it had to be around three o’clock. I’d slept all day—and I was still tired. I hadn’t slept in two nights. Except for the fear that I might dream again, more sleep sounded good. Elizabeth wouldn’t try to get me to talk. She’d let me rest.
I took off my jeans and shirt and pulled a pair of wrinkled boxer briefs from my duffel. I hadn’t bothered with underwear earlier, in too much of a hurry to get the hell out of there.
Under the covers, I lay down, facing away from the door. Sleep quickly sucked me under.
My dreams were just flashes for a while—the women in my life,
all
the women in my life. There were so many faces, so much sex, that it all blurred together. It was like fast-forwarding through the last seven years. There were orgasms and women calling my name and then stretches of loneliness. As I became better known, as I built my client list, the lonely times became fewer. I liked the women I was with, truly enjoyed their company, for the simple fact that they helped make things a little easier for a few hours. I was thankful to them.
Then the speed of the dreams stopped, and I smashed into a wall. The wall was my one night with Kimber. It was making love, not just sex, and that made my whole life, the course of it, stop.
Then she was gone again.
“Come back.”
I ripped from sleep and sat up, panting.
The room was dark now. I was lost in the fuzzy blackness. I stared into it, trying not to feel.
“Heath?” said a voice from outside the door.
Shit, I’d woken Elizabeth. I didn’t answer her.
The door opened. “Heath.”
I stayed turned away.
Her feet padded the wood floor and then the carpet that surrounded the bed. She sat next to me.
I stared out the window.
She paused. “I’m here if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
A longer pause.
“It’s easier to handle if you talk about it,” she said. “A good friend of mine taught me that.”
“It’ll seem too real.” I couldn’t say it all out loud. I’d talked to Kimber, shown her who I was, and look how that turned out.
“If you talk, it’s like letting someone else share just a little of the pain.”
I kept staring out the window, or maybe I was only staring at the glass. Sharing the pain was not something I was willing to do with Elizabeth.
Peripherally, I noticed as she glanced down. My erection was extremely noticeable. Pain in my scrotum was going to be my constant companion, just like the plague of my memories of Kimber.
“Would it help if…” Her hand rubbed up my thigh.
I held her hand, stopped its progression. “I can’t.”
She let me hold her hand, let it be a friendly thing. I just hoped she wasn’t offended I wouldn’t sleep with her.
“There’s someone,” she said as if it was an epiphany.
I didn’t disagree, which I knew she’d take as a confirmation.
“That’s why you weren’t seeing any clients,” she said. A pause. “Do I know her?”
“Yes.”
“Not one of your clients…There’s that girl…who works in the shop.”
I said nothing.
“I’ve seen you watch her,” she said. “Usually, you admire women, but with her…you looked like you were yearning. I didn’t know if I was reading you right.”
“You were.”
She held my hand in both of hers. “Did she…did she reject you?”
I took a breath. “No. Then yes.”
She waited, still holding my hand. I liked that her gesture was friendly, no other intentions behind it. She didn’t seem at all offended that I didn’t want to sleep with her—my friendship was what she really wanted.
“She got me to talk,” I said, “about everything. Even things Penny doesn’t know.”
“She earned your trust. That’s not easy.”
“Then she stayed the night with me, and I told her…”
Her voice was quiet. “That you love her.”
“I made the decision before we made love that I was done taking women’s money, done being with anyone but her.” I lowered my head and pulled my hand through my hair. “Penny was already there when I walked Kimber out. She told her how I make money.”
“Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know.” I took a breath and exhaled heavily. I may as well finish the story now. “Kimber slapped me and walked out. She’s not going to come back.” I leaned forward with my elbow on my knee, still holding onto Elizabeth’s hand. “Another woman I’ve lost.”
She hesitated. “Another woman?”
“My wife, she killed herself seven years ago because I couldn’t give her children.” All of a sudden that wasn’t as hard to admit. Perhaps because it didn’t stand out as much in my list of fuckups anymore.
Elizabeth covered her mouth with her hand.
“Yeah, the gigolo was married.”
She wrapped her arms around me. I just kind of sat there, allowing the hug.
“Thank you, Elizabeth.”
“Mom?” Rachel’s voice came from the doorway behind us. Elizabeth hadn’t closed the door.
I pulled the blanket across my lap to cover. Elizabeth sat straight and wiped her cheek.
“Are you all right?” Rachel said.
“Yes, sweetie, I’m fine.”
“How about…” She paused. “Heath, are you okay?”
I turned my head halfway in her direction. “I’m fine. Thank you, Rachel.”
“If I can do anything…”
I turned more fully so I could look at her properly. I forced my lips to curve slightly. “Thank you.”
She smiled a little and then walked back down the hall.
Chapter 32
One Year Deal
I took a walk. It didn’t matter that it was the middle of the night. I just needed to be in motion. My walks often turned into more of a circular journey, like walking the Earth, looking for answers, and always ending up where I started.
Elizabeth insisted on giving me a key to the house in case she had to leave to take Rachel to school before I returned. Her neighborhood was beautiful, not the kind of place where one might normally find vagrants walking the streets. I hadn’t shaved in forever. I started to wonder if one of the neighbors would see me and call the police.
I tried to focus my thoughts, to figure out what I needed to do next. But I didn’t want to think about it, any of it, anything. I just wanted it all to stop.
I kept moving to try to shake off these thoughts. I knew where they were heading. The real problem was that they didn’t scare me.
There was no place to go from here. I could think of nothing I wanted from life, nothing I had to live for. Kimber had brought out my desire for something from my life, something real, and then she took away any hope of attaining it. I thought I should hate her—I wanted to. But I couldn’t. She was right. I couldn’t fault her for anything she did.
As I turned onto a tree-canopied street, I passed a house with open front curtains. Two little girls were dancing around in a living room, and then their mother came in to get them ready for school. I crossed the street and continued walking without looking back. Family. I knew now more than I ever had before that I’d never have that. I didn’t even have Penny anymore.
No matter what direction my thoughts went to, I couldn’t find anything worth…
I took a breath and stared into space.
I had nothing to live for.
There was no denying it, no trying to pretend life held anything I wanted or, rather, anything I had any chance of attaining. There was only one thing I wanted to do with my life.
I wanted it to end.
I continued walking while seeing only the cracks in the sidewalk, not this perfect fucking neighborhood bursting with happy families.
By the time I turned back onto Elizabeth’s street, I made a deal with myself, a very morbid, fucked-up deal. I had one year. If I made it through that year and still wanted everything to end, then I’d let myself end it.
I’d just have to make sure the circumstances were such that a stranger found me, not Elizabeth. I wouldn’t do that to her. That also meant I should think about distancing myself from her.
Past a grouping of trees, the sun burst forth and almost blinded me. Elizabeth’s neighbor, an older woman, stared at me through her front window as I walked past then up Elizabeth’s front steps. I decided today’s method of keeping busy would be to buy a car and find a place to live. That should take a while, all day if I was lucky. And I definitely needed to shave.