Love of a Rockstar (16 page)

AFTER I HUNG up with my grandmother, I ran next door and asked if my neighbor Ashley could keep an eye on Nil for twenty minutes. Her three young daughters adored playing dress up with Nil. When Ashley agreed, I dropped off Nil and began the short walk to Luke’s hotel to tell him about Paris. My grandmother’s story of how her lost love came back to her struck a nerve. Twenty years from now, I wanted to be confident in the decisions I made and happy where I was in life. Since sleeping with Luke wasn’t going to happen, my only other choice was to tell him about Paris. His answer would determine if giving up my dream was worth a life together.

As I strolled along West Mercer Street, a heavy snow descended from the clouds. I rubbed my hands together and cursed myself for not wearing mittens. Mid stride, a snowball wacked me in the face accompanied by squeals of laughter. Freezing ice water dripped down my cheek.

“What the hell?” I sputtered.

It just started snowing two seconds ago, how could anybody get enough snow to make a snowball? I looked left and the laughing stopped as a group of teenagers avoided eye contact and shuffled off in the opposite direction. I prayed that when Nil was their age, she would at least have the decency to apologize. Wiping the moisture off my face, I continued onward to Luke’s hotel. Hopefully he hadn’t left yet for the stadium where the concert was being held.

It amazed me how, in four short years, he had gone from hole-in-the-wall bars to a stadium. Then again, from the moment I met him, I knew he was destined to become a star. In the distance, a bright pink pig statue stood out against the gray clouds, which meant I was close. Due to my horrible sense of direction, I relied on visual markers instead of maps to lead me. Halfway across the street, an issue of
Us Weekly
at a small newsstand caught my eye. Normally, I wasn’t a huge fan of trashy magazines but the headline piqued my interest.

Hustling over, my heart dropped to my toes when I saw the cover image. Luke was in a passionate embrace with a woman in a bikini, the vast ocean glistening behind them. The headline read, “Romance heats up!” Everybody says what you read in trashy magazines was false, but the kiss Luke was sharing with this woman looked real to me. Flipping to the corresponding article, additional pictures of them flocking on the beach were scattered over the page. I held out an ounce of faith she was an ex-girlfriend. My eyes skimmed over the story until I got to the last two sentences.

“Mellissa Rogers and Luke met last month when she was a backup dancer for one of his videos. According to a source, they have been hot and heavy since.”

The date of when the photos were taken was highlighted underneath, November 12th a week ago today. Tears blurred my vision. Luke had a girlfriend. And not just any girlfriend. A backup dancer who looked as if cake wasn’t in her vocabulary.

“Fuck,” I mumbled to myself.

At least this proved what I had suspected. Luke was a man who left broken hearts in his wake as he pursued the next best thing. Whether that be a woman or an opportunity. Throwing the magazine back on the rack, my choice to move to Paris became crystal clear. I better start learning French.

BY THE TIME I got home, the snow had turned into a light flurry. I stomped my boots on Ashley’s welcome mat before I knocked on her door. She answered looking frazzled.

“Hi, come in.” Ashley stepped aside. “Excuse the mess. It’s been a hectic day.”

I wandered into her living room that, like mine, had a chaotic mess of toys strewn about. Her three little girls were off in a corner playing dress up while Nil was alone staring out the front window. I looked over at Ashley for an explanation.

She shrugged and lowered her voice. “Nil wouldn’t budge. She wanted to stay exactly where she was.”

“Oh.”

I was already aware my daughter preferred animals to people, but I figured since she knew Ashley’s daughters, she would step out of her shell and interact with them. Walking up behind her, I followed her gaze, and saw a young woman walking her dog.

“Whatcha doing?” I questioned.

“Waiting for Daddy.”

Although Luke was a player, the last day or two had proven he was a good dad. Our romantic relationship wouldn’t be rekindled, but I had faith Luke and Nil’s relationship would strengthen. He looked at her as if she hung the moon. ,

“He told you he’s playing a concert tonight,” I said. “He won’t be home until tomorrow morning.”

She crossed her legs Indian style on the carpet. “I’ll sleep here then.”

While I admired her determination, it didn’t make life easy for me. Sighing, I sat down next to her and prepared what I was about to tell her.

“Jellybean. Look at me.”

My affectionate nickname for her was born the day she painted her face blue with my eye shadow and looked exactly like a blueberry jellybean. The name stuck ever since.

Nils’s eyes stayed glued to the carpet. “I want to wait.” Her voice broke. “He’d want me to wait.”

I brushed a stray blonde lock off her forehead. “Jellybean, he wouldn’t want you to wait all night,” I said, gently. “I promise as soon as you wake up tomorrow morning, he’ll be back.”

She lifted her gaze to my face. “Promise?”

We locked pinkies to seal my word in stone. “Promise” I said. “But I need you to know your dad isn’t like a lot of other Dads.”

Nil bunched up her lips in bewilderment. “Does he have an extra pinky toe? Because Lilly’s dad does, and he’s normal.”

Maybe that wasn’t the best way to start the conversation. I tried again. “No, what I meant was, your dad doesn’t work from nine till five. Sometimes he’s gone for several months at a time.”

“Doing what?”

“Playing music for his fans.”

“What’s a fan?” she questioned.

“It’s somebody who really loves what you do and thinks you’re terrific,” I explained as best as I could.

“I’m a fan of daddy,” Nil bounced up and down on her bottom, excited. “So he can play music for me and stay.”

I wished it were that simple and Luke could survive off an audience of one. However, life doesn’t play fair, which was hard to articulate to a four year old.

“I’m afraid it’s more complicated than that,” I broke to her gently. “He has thousands of people counting on him. You have to share your dad with them.”

“I don’t want to share.”

“Nobody wants to share, but you have to. It’s all part of growing up. Can you be a big girl for me?”

With those two magic words, “big girl,” her posture straightened and her pout disappeared. Nil wanted to grow up so badly. She hated the idea of being little. I saw it in the way she refused my help with the smallest things like putting her shoes on. It made me wistful for the days when she relied on me, but holding onto the past would only suffocate her.

“.Yes.” She ran her hand through the carpet. “Will daddy be home for my birthday?”

Nil was born on Valentine’s Day. I was walking the aisles of Wal-Mart, trying to decide between a chocolate bar and a box of chocolates when my water broke. A little boy who was standing next to me screamed to his momma, “That lady just peed herself!” It wasn’t my proudest moment so I waddled away, paid for my box of chocolates and drove myself to the hospital where my grandmother was waiting for me. Nineteen hours later, my chubby Valentine came into the world.

“I don’t know. I am not sure what his tour schedule is,” I said honestly. “If it was up to him, though, he wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world.”

She nodded, silent, and obviously disappointed. Reaching over, I tugged her into my lap and rested my head on top of hers. “Just because your dad isn’t here physically, it doesn’t mean he isn’t in your heart.”

“I know.” Nil twirled a piece of loose string from her t-shirt around her finger.” It’s just he’s never been at any of my birthday parties even when I wished for him to be there.”

I hugged my daughter closer to my chest, attempting to absorb some of the hurt she’d been harboring. This year, her wish would come true. Luke wasn’t going to miss another important milestone in our daughter’s life. Even if that meant flying her to wherever Luke was.

“Well, you know what? Your wish is my command. I’ll drag him by his bootstraps if I have to,” I said.

Nil giggled. “What’s bootstraps?”

“It’s the part of a boot that looks like a belt.” I shifted her off my lap and stretched out my legs. They were falling asleep staying in the same position. “What colors do you want for your birthday party?”

“Pink!” she yelled.

“Of course you do.”

Every year, it was the same, and I was running out of different shades of pink I could use. Since it fell on Valentine’s Day, nobody found it odd to stick to a girly theme. Nonetheless, I couldn’t wait for the day when she chose a different color.

“You ready to go home?” I held out my hand for Nil and lifted her off the carpet.

Ashley appeared out of the kitchen with a fresh batch of cookies for us. She handed over the bag and gave me an unanticipated hug. The smell of baby powder lingered on her clothes.

“You are a great mama,” she said.

Touched at her compliment, I made a mental note to invite her over for coffee. Us mothers needed to stick together.

“Thank you. You are as well,” I said.

She gave me a final squeeze before letting go. Nil and I walked out into the cold, holding hands.

“Can I have a cookie mommy?” Nil begged.

“No, you can eat one when we get home.”

When we arrived at our front steps, a large package was propped against the door. “Paris Survival Kit” was written on top in Finn’s neat scrawl.

Nil danced with excitement. “Can I open it?”

“Sure, let me tear open the tape first.” With my key, I slashed the tape away from the box. “OK have at it.”

Nil ripped open the flaps and a blue, white, and red balloon popped out of the box with an envelope hanging from each strand.

She looked up at them in awe. “Wow.”

I opened the first envelope, which was a gift certificate to an intensive two-week French immersion class. The second held a map of Paris outlined with the best bakeries and the third one contained pictures of the apartment we would be living in.

“Nil come look at this.”

She stopped combing through the box for additional treasures and walked over to my side. I bent down to show her her future home. It was a traditional Parisian apartment with crown molding and hardwood floors. When we got to the last picture, Nil let out a squeak.

“Is that the Eiffel Tower mommy?” She knew all about the Eiffel Tower from
Madeline
.

“It is sweetie.”

In a few short weeks, I would wake up to the sight of the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Excitement buzzed through my veins.

“Would you want to live here?” I asked

“More than anything in the world,” Nil murmured. “It’s like a fairy tale.”

NIL DRAGGED THE box that was as big as her inside. Walking into the kitchen, I hid the cookies in an upper cabinet and came back into the living room. There were additional goodies piled next to her. She was about to bite into a macaroon when she saw me. Hiding it behind her back, Nil gave me a guilty smile.

“Can I have one of these please?” she asked, slowly bringing her hand back around.

Nil was too adorable to handle sometimes. A laugh bubbled out of my throat as I went over and picked up the box. There was an assortment of pastel colored treats inside.

“Yes you may and they are called macaroons,” I said. “Which one did you get?”

Nil opened her palm to reveal a bright pink macaroon. I watched as she took a tentative bite. Her eyes widened.

“It taste like raspberries.” she exclaimed. “Yummy.”

I couldn’t wait until Nil was exposed to the dazzling pastries in Paris. She would have a field day and a sugar rush. My phone buzzed in my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw Luke’s face light up on the home screen. The picture was from an impromptu trip to the Oregon Coast five years ago. We pulled over on a jagged cliff that overlooked the ocean as the sun began to set. Originally, I was meant to be in the photo as well but heights scared the bejesus out of me. Luke fearlessly stood against the backdrop of the twinkling ocean as I snapped the photograph. I remember thinking how ridiculously lucky I was to fall in love with a man like him.