Love or Something Like It (11 page)

Matt took a breath. “I think we need to take a break.”

I looked down. I was scared if I looked at Matt, I'd start crying. “Does that mean we're breaking up?”

“Let's see how things are when school starts,” said Matt.

“Sure,” I said, like that was fine.

But it wasn't. As I walked home, Matt's words replayed in my head.
Let's see how things are when school starts.
I fail to see how they'll be any different. Nothing is going to happen that will erase the fact that he tried to kiss Sophie or that when I asked him about it, he refused to tell me why he did it or how he feels about her. Or how he feels about me.

For that matter, how do I feel about him?

a) Mad.

b) Dumped.

c) Disillusioned.

I'm going with d) All of the above.

6:45 p.m.
Crying

Mom, Dad, May, and June know I'm upset. I haven't come out of my room all afternoon. They just tried to get me to come eat dinner. I'm not hungry.

“You have to eat,” Mom just said through the door.

Why?

8:02 p.m.
Brynn just left

Billy texted me to see if I'd talked to Matt and how I was doing. I told him terrible, and he must have told Brynn because she came over to see me.

I could tell she felt a little weird about it because I hadn't told her what happened, but she didn't let that stop her. “Billy told me you could use some girl love.” She got in bed beside me and pulled the covers up over both of us. “What now?” she asked.

Even though I'd been upset before she came, and truthfully, even more upset when she walked into my room without warning, her words made me smile. It's what she used to say when she slept over when we were little. As soon as my mom would turn out the light, she always wanted to know what we were going to do next.

“We could play
When I Grow Up
,” I said.

Now it was her turn to smile. Brynn always loved that game.

“OK,” she said, clearing her throat. “When I grow up I want to be a journalist.” I gave her a
duh
look. “I'm not finished,” she said. “And I want every room in my house to be decorated in turquoise.”

I shook my head. We'd gone down this route before. “A whole house in one color is tacky,” I reminded her.

Brynn pursed her lips like that was perhaps a true statement, but one she'd forgotten. “You're right,” she said. Then she looked me. “And when I grow up I want to have you as my best friend so you can remind me not to make my whole house all one color.”

I teared up all over again. I knew this wasn't about color schemes.

“April, I'm sorry about Matt. I know how much you like him. But I really came to say that I'm sorry about everything with Billy.” She rested her head on my shoulder, and we stayed like that for a long time.

“I really hope we'll always be best friends,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said, like I hoped so too, but we both knew being grown up was a lot more complicated than playing it.

10:54 p.m.

I just took off the necklace Matt gave me, which got me thinking about all the conversations we had. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's like my brain wanted to do a mental review of everything we ever talked about. Not just about the big things like our relationship, but about the little things too, like baseball. For some reason, Matt's explanation of batting averages stuck in my head. I remember exactly what he told me. A batting average is the number of hits a player has in comparison to the number of times he's at bat.

I looked in my jewelry box at the necklace Matt gave me next to the bracelet from Billy. I guess when your batting average is zero, at least there's nowhere to go but up.

There's an end to every storm.

—Meredith Grey

Friday, July 18, 4:45 p.m.
I know how to knit

For the last five days, Sophie has been like an activities director for girls who get dumped. “The only way to get over a boy is to stay busy,” said Sophie. So that's what we've been doing all week. I call it Camp Sophie.

We did yoga every morning in Gaga's backyard, followed by a run. She taught me how to make a croque monsieur, which is the French version of a ham and cheese sandwich but much more delicious. She had Gaga demonstrate her DVR skills, and she taught me how to knit. Sort of. Actually, it was Gaga's idea, but I know Sophie was in on it.

“We should teach April how to knit,” said Gaga.

“April doesn't want to learn to knit,” I said.

Sophie and Gaga gave each other conspiratorial winks, like it had already been decided.

So this week I learned to knit and purl, and I not only finished two ski caps, but also ended up crying (some) and talking (a lot) to Sophie and Gaga about what happened with Matt, and it was totally therapeutic. I knew Sophie would be a good listener, but Gaga surprised me. She really rose to the occasion.

Basically, she and Sophie came up with three theories about what happened with Matt.

Theory #1: He's a boy. That was Sophie's. She said that while factually unsubstantiated, in her opinion 90 percent of boys under the age of sixteen are hopelessly and impossibly immature, incapable of making consistently good decisions, and that Matt falls squarely into that category.

Theory #2: He's from California. That one was Gaga's. She said she's never been there, but from everything she's read, they do things differently out West. Her talk of “free love” and noncommitment actually made me laugh. I think the last time she read anything about California must have been in the sixties, but I appreciated her efforts.

Theory #3: He has problems with intimacy, like, in the sense of getting and staying close with someone, and just not being a jerk. Sophie and Gaga agreed this had to be Matt's issue. They both said that based on how hot and cold he was when we were going out, that had to be why Matt wasn't the best boyfriend.

They might be on to something. What they didn't know, what no one in Faraway but me knows, is what happened with Matt's dad. I'm no psychologist, but what he and his mom got away from … it must still be hard on Matt. But even if that's the case, how could I not be mad at him? It wasn't something I could discuss with Sophie or Gaga.

Anyway, none of their theories really gave me the answers I was looking for. Still, just talking to them made me feel better.

“Thanks for everything this week,” I said to both of them at the end of one of what we've affectionately termed my “boy therapy sessions.”

“No biggie,” said Gaga. I know she'd heard Brynn and me say that for years and was trying to show me she's capable of being cool.

“You know, I don't really say that anymore,” I told Gaga.

She nodded like she got it and put her arm around me. “We all grow up. It isn't always easy,” she said. “But we all do it.”

It was kind of a sappy thing to say, but it made me feel better.

Lately, growing up has sucked. I felt like I was in love with Matt. I still feel that way. At least I think I do. Every time I thought about it this week, I would get emotional. Part of me is so mad. Another part wishes we could just go back to how we were when Matt said he really liked me. But whenever I'd start to think about it and tear up, Sophie and Gaga would look at me and say, “Keep knitting!”

Here's the good news: if Matt and I ever do get back together, I've got a nice ski cap for him.

Sunday, July 20, 12:45 p.m.
Sophie's going-away brunch

This morning we had a family brunch at the diner for Sophie. She's flying back to New York this afternoon, and everyone wanted the chance to tell her good-bye. When it was time for her to go, everyone hugged her and told her how much they'd miss her.

“It was fun having you here,” said June. She gave Sophie a big hug and thanked her for playing Barbies with her while May and I were at camp.

Amanda, who is typically not a hugger, gave her a hug too. “I'll miss your makeup tips,” she told Sophie.

“We'll miss you,” said Charlotte.

“And your brownies,” said Izzy.

“Yeah,” said Harry. I wasn't sure if that meant he'd miss her or her brownies, but it was one of the nicest things I'd ever heard Harry say.

I raised a was-there-anyone-you-didn't-hang-out-with-this-summer eyebrow at her. Sophie shrugged like she got it and laughed. It was infectious. Even though I was sad she was leaving, I was smiling too.

Sophie's grandpa gave her a big hug and said, “I'm not going to miss you one bit!” But he was misty-eyed when he said it, and everyone knew he was joking. She gave him a big squeeze as Gaga held out her arms for a hug.

“It was so nice having you here,” Gaga said to Sophie. It was easy to see how much Gaga loved her visit.

“I'm going to miss being here.” I could tell by the way Sophie said it that she meant it.

I waited until everyone was done before I said my good-bye. “I'm going to miss you so much!” I whispered in Sophie's ear as I hugged her.

She hugged me back. Hard. I felt myself getting emotional again. I looked at Sophie. There were tears in her eyes too. “C'mon,” she said, like she didn't want to leave me like that.

“We have to get going,” said Uncle Drew, who was driving Sophie to the airport in Mobile. Sophie and I gave each other one last hug as she got into Uncle Drew's car. I stood outside the diner and waved to her until the car was no longer in sight.

Then I walked home with May and June while Mom stayed to help Dad clean up.

It was a quiet morning in Faraway, and I actually enjoyed the quiet walk home with my sisters. I guess they were enjoying the solitude too. It was the first time I'd felt peaceful in a long time.

It felt good.

Follow the yellow brick road.

—The Wizard of Oz

Friday, July 25
In my room
Can't believe what I just heard

One minute I was talking to May about starting middle school, and in the middle of our conversation, she burst into tears. “What if I start my period at school?” she wailed. I knew what she was thinking. I remember being terrified of blood running down my legs and everyone laughing.

“Don't worry. It's normal to think the worst will happen, but it almost never does.” I looped a big-sisterly arm around her. “Brynn and I used to worry about the same thing.”

I think that made her feel better. We had just gone back to talking about switching classes and cafeteria food when my phone rang. It was Sophie. “I have some bad news and some good news,” she said. Then she added, “I guess it's all in how you look at things.”

She sounded like Gaga. I'm sure she heard her say that this summer. I couldn't believe what she said next.

“My parents are separating. They told me when I got home from Faraway,” said Sophie. She told me how she cried all week and that the only thing that's kind of good is that it's a
“trial”
separation. Sophie said the word like she'd heard it a lot. I wanted to ask her exactly what it meant, but I had the feeling I shouldn't.

“I'm so sorry,” I said quietly into the phone.

“I just don't understand it,” she said. “I thought my parents were head over heels for each other. I mean, everyone always says how amazing they look together.”

I thought about the first time I met Sophie and her parents at Gaga and Willy's wedding. I thought her mother was so beautiful and her dad was so handsome, and they had Sophie, a perfect-looking daughter. They were the most stylish, chic family I'd ever seen.

“I guess it wasn't enough,” Sophie said and then paused. “Before I left, I thought things were a little tense. I was surprised they let me come to Faraway, but I didn't know they had real problems.”

Then Sophie started filling me in on the details. How her parents took her out to dinner to her favorite restaurant when she got back from Faraway and how she thought the night was going to be a coming-home party so they could hear all about her summer. “For most of the dinner, they didn't even say anything. They just kept looking at each other funny, and when dessert came, they told me, and I've hardly stopped crying since.”

I felt terrible hearing how upset she'd been. “You should have called me.”

“Yeah.” Sophie sounded like she appreciated what I was saying. “I guess I wasn't ready to talk about it. I thought I could talk some sense into my parents. You know, convince them to stay together or something. But I couldn't.” She paused. “I kind of feel like it's my fault. Maybe if I hadn't come to Faraway, they'd still be together.”

“Sophie, it's not your fault. Your parents probably had a lot to talk about this summer, you know? Maybe it was better that they didn't do it in front of you.”

Sophie accepted that explanation without argument. “My dad is moving back to Paris.”

“What about you and your mom?” I asked. I was thinking about how much Sophie loves New York and how different it would be without her dad there.

“Well,” she said slowly. “My mom is pretty upset about the whole thing. She doesn't want to be alone in New York City. We moved there for my dad's job. It's not like she has a lot of close friends or family there.”

“So would you and your mom move back to Paris too?” I asked.

“My mom doesn't want to go to Paris.” She was quiet for a minute. “I told her I think we should move to Faraway. You know, like a
‘trial'
move.” Sophie paused. “She knows how much I liked it over the summer. Plus, it would be good for both of us to be around people who care about us.”

I didn't say a word.

“So we're going to live at Gaga and my grandpa's house, at least for now. And I'm starting school with you in the fall. April, we're going to Faraway High together!” Her words bounced around and bumped into each other in my brain, like too many little kids on a trampoline.