Love Rewards The Brave (15 page)

94.

The office is cold.

It’s a week before Christmas

been working at the 6-Spot. Sold

at least a million records.

Everyone saying they want to be

a deejay.

Or something equally exciting

as they browse the displays.

I’m doing okay there.

But
here
-

in Terry’s office

I’m forced to sit and listen

about the situation that’s arisen

with Benji.

“So, you went to the hospital with Ms. Francine. Can you tell me how that felt for you?”

I’ve spent the last several

days

regretting the

ways

I’ve allowed Ms. F in.

I let her in when I was down

like a little girl lost

now found

and I don’t want to go there again.

Especially, not with Terry.

“I can imagine it was very scary, Louisa. As your counselor, I want to talk to you about what happened to Benji and how that’s going to affect him for the next few years.”

I close my eyes.

Count 1, 2, 3.

I don’t want to do this.

I will just agree

to everything she says

so I can go.

I open my eyes.

“Benji attempted suicide, Louisa, and was nearly successful. If he hadn’t been found in the bathroom when he was, he wouldn’t have survived his injuries.”

“So injury- that means someone did this to him?”

“No, he did this to himself. Your brother is very confused and conflicted.”

“I think it’s a mistake. It had to be an accident. Benji wouldn’t do that, not on purpose.”

“Louisa, I know trying to believe it was an accident makes it seem less scary, but he did do this to himself. On purpose. He even left a note, for you.”

“No.”

“No what, Louisa?”

“No, you’re wrong. You’re wrong about Benji. You don’t know him like I do. He would never hurt anything on purpose.”

That still strange voice

is rising again

finding me again

crawling out again.

I want to push it in

deep in my skin.

“You’re right, I don’t know Benji like you do. But I do know that this has happened. And you need to understand that, Louisa, so you can move forward.”

“Forward
? To where? To what? So I can keep coming here to you and talk about the fact that I have nothing if I don’t have Benji?”

“No one is taking Benji away from you, Louisa.”

“You’re right, Terry, he’s the one trying to get away from
me
!”

That voice found a way out and

I’m shaking

as I’m awaking

to the truth.

“Louisa, would you like his letter? It was written to you.”

95.

She hands it to me

to read

so I can understand things

more plainly.

The letters are scrawled in his

crooked slant way.

The way I spent afternoons

attempting to correct

same old me

trying to perfect.

Because if things are done perfectly

or as good as can be

then maybe I won’t be used for Dad’s negativity.

The page looks crumbled up

then smoothed again

trying to pretend it’s

something it’s not.

“Lou-Lou,

Remember when we were little and we’d lie in your bed together, looking at the night? You always said the sky made sense because it was all black sky and all white stars, nothing was confusing outside out window. Nothing was gray like inside our house.

You taught me everything I know. You taught me to count and to tie my shoes. You made sure I had clothes to wear. You would put me on the kitchen counter and put Band-Aids on the places that were hurt and even though we both knew no Band-Aid was big enough for our kind of broken, but you still tried.

I can’t try like that, like you. It’s too hard.

I want things to be black like the sky and white like the stars and I know you, more then anyone on earth, can understand that.

I love you, Lou-Lou, you and only you.

Benji

I fold it up.

Smaller and smaller still

until it is in the palm of my hand

I can’t look up, don’t know if I ever will.

“So what happens now? Is he going back to the group home?”

My voice

retreats again

concedes again

coming back in-

side.

“No, Louisa. He can’t go back there in the state of duress he’s under. He’s been transferred to a long-term Inpatient Program. His multiple diagnoses make him an ideal candidate for this kind of treatment.”

“What do you mean? Multiple diagnoses?” 

My voice is a whisper

attempting to transfer

my fear

to Terry.

“Benji has been seeing a lot of doctors this past year since entering the group home. It hasn’t been going well. You have seen glimpses of this on your visits with him. How he throws things, runs away, steals. Not to mention the anti-social behavior at school.”

“So because he ran away once and got mad you’re sending him to a mental hospital?”

It doesn’t add up.

Why won’t she fess up and

explain what

is really going on.

“Louisa, there are a lot of doctors still trying to help Benji. The pieces you see at visits are just a small snapshot of the big picture for Benji. He’s experiencing severe post-traumatic stress, just like you, but he expresses it in a much different way. He requires constant supervision, at least for now.”

“So what does that mean for me? For my mom? I thought we were all going to be a family again.”

I feel the chill

of my will-

power being stripped from me

as I say those words out loud

no longer bound

inside.

“You and your mom are still on the path of reunification, but Benji is not going to be a part of that plan.”

96.

Her words echo deep down.

I’ve been walking around

the last few days knowing that

possibility

the gravity

of the situation.

But wanting to believe best case

scenario.

For Benji. For me.

For our fucked up semblance of a family.

But Terry’s told me straight up

that ain’t gonna happen.

Like, ever.

Like, never.

Life with my mom will be

better than nothing,

but it’s just not what I planned.

Planned for the past two years

since I was

put in a system

I didn’t understand.

And Benji?

What about that little boy in all of this?

Doesn’t anyone think that him

being with me

the one who loves

him would do anything for him

has got to be better somehow

than a hospital bed and gown?

That I can provide the things that he needs

hope and love and a reminder to brush his teeth?

It’s what I always did

and I still want to do it

and taking that from me

hurts the most

and taking that from him

hurts the most

of

all.

And it just feels like the people

in charge are not thinking

of the

two kids

in the middle of a mess

a man created

a long, long time ago

before we ever could know

what was really happening

and now that we do

our choices are few.

Benji: Committed

Louisa: Admitted-

ly

lost and confused.

97.

Toby gives me a stack of paper towels

Windex and a kiss on the cheek.

Fingerprints streak the window

and the scene outside is just as bleak.

The snow-white wash is now dirty slush

and everyone who comes through the door

is a hurried mush.

Two days till Christmas.

At least the record store avoids

obnoxious jingle bell songs

opting instead for hipster

Indie bands rocking along.

I can deal. with. that.

Just as I finish washing the doors,

Jess appears.

She’s perfectly dressed for a blizzard in

a Dr. Seuss book.

Neon pink cap and

coat to match.

“What’s up?” I ask, knowing she’s probably ready to freak out on me.

I’ve been avoiding all texts, emails, and

pokes.

Pretending that work is keeping me too busy

to joke

or hang out or you know, be a friend.

God.

“Are you mad at me or something?” she asks.

Jess follows me back to the supply closet.

I put up the cleaner and towels

in perfect order.

Wanting to maintain that I have total control.

Give no one a hint that I’m about to fold

if I can’t find something to grab

hold

of.

“No, why would I be mad at you?”

I try and act casual, but she can tell

my lie is blaringly

bad.

“I don’t know, Louisa, you’ve been totally MIA all week, and I was getting pissed, but then I came in here and saw that guy.”

She points to Toby

in his skinny fit Levi’s

black square frames

flannel shirt sweater vest

tousled hair barely tamed.

“And I totally get why you have been busy!” She laughs at me

like I am supposed to be in on it.

I don’t have time for this

anymore.

“It’s not that, Jess. God. Okay? I just have a bunch of shit going on…and Ms. F is being a hard ass…you know? So cut it out.”

I turn to walk away

not wanting to spend my break this way.

I’m being a horrible friend

and I know it,

but I don’t know how to stop it

unless I let her

in.

And since I’m not prepared for
that

my best bet

is to push her away first

before
she
I can be hurt.

“What’s your problem, Louisa? I’ve just been worried about you, and my parents wanted you to come with us to our cabin for New Years so I’ve been wanting to ask you that too, but whatever. Clearly you don’t want to hang out with me. I can get a fucking clue.”

Self-Preservation

Can Be A

Bitch.

“I don’t think I’d be able go anyway. Besides, I’m sure Markus would love to make snow angels or whatever with you.”

“I don’t want to go with Markus. I wanted to go with you, my best friend.”

“Well, it won’t work for me. I have this job now, Jess, I have to be responsible, okay?”

“The store isn’t even open those days, Louisa.” She points to the sign on the freshly washed door. CLOSED: CHRISTMAS EVE and DAY. NEW YEARS EVE and DAY. “Why do you have to be like this?”

“It’s not you, it’s me, Jess. I swear. I just don’t have time for….”

I wave my arms in front of myself

saying words I don’t mean

probably causing a scene.

“So, you’re like, breaking up with me?” Jess asks, tears in her eyes.

She stands in disbelief

trying to piece

together what is happening.

“I guess so.” I say.

I look her in the eyes

blank stare on my face

not wanting to trace

the reasons why it needs to end.

“Whatever, Louisa. I don’t get it. Get you. You’ve been better than any boyfriend I’ve ever had because you are my best friend. But I guess it wasn’t the same for you.”

She turns away

because what more is there to say

when someone pushes you to go?

I walk into the bathroom and shut the door

I fall to the floor

and crumble

just like Benji’s suicide note.

I wonder who will

ever smooth me out

and fold me up

and put me in the

palm of their

hand.