Love Scars - 2: Deeper

“Yeah!” a male voice in the living room screamed.

“Die! Die! Die!” someone answered amid obnoxious laughter.

Crap.
Videogames. Word about the party had gone viral, and the house was crammed with people.

Loud people. Obnoxious people. The two people types I hate.

I was still in my room getting ready. The noise gave me high anxiety, but if I didn’t get out there soon Lisa was going to come find me. I put on a pair of shorts and a pink cotton tank top and pulled the curlers out of my hair. I’ve never been able to use a curling iron. I blow my hair almost dry and roll it up for ten minutes to get the frizz out.

As I ran a brush through my hair, my sour expression in the bathroom mirror shocked even me. I smoothed the frown line between my eyebrows and tried to force a smile.

Ack.
Didn’t help.

I sighed and went out to face the dragon, a/k/a our guests.
This is for Lisa,
I told myself. Normal people have parties. Normal people
like
parties. With Stacey away on her graduation trip, it was the perfect time to have one. Lisa shouldn’t have to suffer because she lives with her fucked up best friend.

In the living room half a dozen people sat around the TV watching a couple guys play games from my niece’s retro collection, all violent. I couldn’t stand them, but they were Stacey’s way of dealing with what happened. I was in no position to judge someone else’s coping mechanisms.

In the kitchen a girl Lisa worked with was cutting limes into wedges. “Hey, Nora,” she said. “Can you take these to Frank? He’s outside at the bar.”

“Sure.” I couldn’t remember her name. I said, “The margaritas must flow!” It was supposed to be funny but came out sounding lame. I picked up the bowl of cut limes and went out to the back deck.

The heat had let up now that the sun was going down, and a DJ was set up next to the keg on the lawn. Lisa never said anything about having a DJ. I had no idea where she came from. The lawn was thick with people dancing on the grass. Deep in the crowd, I caught a glimpse of Lisa’s blond hair and her arms up over her head.

My nerves were doing their own dance in my stomach.
Inhale…exhale…
I’m such a wimp.
I will not freak out. This is practice.
If I could get through this party, maybe I could face Foresthill.

Foresthill.
See? I could think the word and not fall apart, as long as I wasn’t blindsided by it. I’d been thinking about Steve’s offer all afternoon.
All my student loans paid.
It would change my world. And if I found what Steve wanted and got the bonus, we could get the new roof the house desperately needed. Stacey could start college this fall without going into debt.

“Hey, Nora, are those for over here?” Lisa’s boyfriend Frank called to me from the makeshift bar in a corner of the deck. He poured a red mixture into a cocktail shaker along with some ice and said, “Come get some.”

I set the limes on the bar as he threw away the empty bottle of cheap vodka. Frank did everything with precision, and he always cleaned up his mess as he went. Plus he was happy all the time and played well with others. He was twenty-five, two years older than us, all angles and sharp edges, with light brown hair, hazel eyes, and a great smile, and he was super strong from working with horses and alpacas at the equine center.

He poured his masterpiece into two plastic martini glasses, squeezed a lime wedge in each, and handed one to me. “Cranberry martini a la Frank.”

I downed the cold drink in two gulps. “Oh, yeah. This recipe is a keeper.”

He refilled my glass from the shaker and we sat down on the deck steps together. I forced myself to watch the dancing. I didn’t mind all the people in the house, but the ones on the lawn made me nervous as hell.
They’re friends
, I told myself. Friends of friends, anyway. Harmless.

I remembered what Steve said outside Dr. Barton’s office:
Face your fear and get to the other side of it
. Something
like
that. Great concept. I’d get right on it.

“I have a feeling I’ll need a few more of these,” I told Frank.

“We all have our little crosses to bear,” he said as we clunked our plastic glasses together.

I finished my drink and set the glass down on the step beside me. I needed the alcohol, but I was drinking too fast.

“Speaking of crosses to bear, he’s back,” Frank said. “How nice.”

Lisa and Brad emerged from the dancing crowd. Frank had come to a kind of peace with the situation. They met here at the house last semester when Brad joined our study group. It was obvious right away Brad liked Lisa, but Frank seemed to ignore the fact.

When I asked him about it once, he quoted Sun-tzu:
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

“Did you meet his friend yet?” I said. Brad had left earlier after remembering he was supposed to give a friend a ride. “Apparently the guy’s been out of work for a while, and Brad thinks he needs some fun in his life.”

“Let’s hope he’s not one of those bozos.” Frank indicated a group of idiots over by the keg, doing shots and harassing each other like they were still in high school.

“My thoughts exactly.”

The bozos were obnoxious and loud. One guy shoved another and made him spill his beer all over himself. “Hey, dude! I look like I pissed my pants!” The others shrieked with laughter. My hands started to clench. I shook them and wiggled my fingers until the feeling passed.

I shifted my focus back to Lisa and Brad. He’d changed from his usual pressed shirt into something casual. He actually looked pretty good. How did Lisa do it? She had two guys madly in love with her. I didn’t even have a casual date.

I guess being an obsessive-compulsive control freak wasn’t so attractive.

“I wasn’t sure she’d get tonight off from the restaurant,” Frank said, his gaze fixed on the dancing couple. “It’s good to see her having fun.”

“You have nothing to worry about, Frank. Brad is just a friend. Lisa loves you.”

“She does,” he said matter-of-factly. “But sometimes I wonder what if I hadn’t got there first?”

“You did get there first.”

He’d liked her since high school, when she and I were freshmen and he was a junior. Lisa and Frank as a couple was one of the few enduring facts of my life. Besides Stacey, they were the only people I still knew from before. I desperately needed what stability I could hang onto.

I needed Lisa and Frank to keep being Lisa and Frank.

“Hey, have you heard from Stacey?” Frank said.

“She called this afternoon. She’s having a blast,” I said. “She and her friends have been on Pirates of the Caribbean five times.”

“Did you tell her about the internship?”

“Yes. And that you’re staying here while I’m gone.”

“She doesn’t mind?”

“The opposite. She says this big house is too empty with only two people in it.”

Actually Stacey had asked at first if Brad could stay, but there was no point in telling Frank that.

My grandpa was a carpenter. He built this house in the country in the late 1960s with dreams of a big family to fill the five bedrooms. Since then, “the country” has changed. Doctors and lawyers and politicians and tech millionaires moved into Granite Bay and demanded their own zip code. My grandma left the house free of a mortgage so we were able to stay, but most of the time I feel like an imposter among my neighbors.

“Maybe you’ll fill the place up with kids someday,” Frank said. “When you find the right guy.”

“Right. What a romantic you are.” This house was perfect for a bunch of kids, especially with the huge yard, but the thought of having a family terrified me.

“I hope Lisa thinks so.” Frank took a small box out of his pocket. “Do you think she’ll like it?” He showed me the engagement ring inside, a gold band with a marquis cut diamond.

“Gorgeous! Does this mean you got the job?”

Frank was a resident large animal veterinarian at the equine center in Loomis. Until he went to vet school, I had no idea animal doctors did residencies like people doctors.

“I’ll be permanent staff at the end of summer. I’m going to ask her tonight.”

“That’s wonderful, Frank.” I said, but a sliver of doubt bugged me. It was horrible, but I wasn’t a hundred percent sure Lisa would say yes.

The music changed pace to something driving, more relentless. I hugged my bare legs and rested my chin on my knees, and my hair fell over my shoulders and arms like a protective shawl. I hoped Lisa wasn’t going to get all dirty dancing with Brad, lost in the pulsing beat.