Authors: Anne Leigh
“I have no control of what these people do, Sedona. I don’t even understand why someone would be doing this to me, and most of all, to you,” his voice, heavy with hope, “Last night was fun for me. I’d really like to have more of those.”
This was my chance to bring back normalcy in my life. In my world, life was simple. I had great friends, a cool dad, and a few acquaintances. I was comfortable and secure. I knew that I could step out of my apartment knowing that what I planned to do for the day will be done in the exact moment that I want it to be done. I hated curveballs. I didn’t like not knowing. And this, this was what Zander was asking me to do right now. I didn’t even know what we were going to be with each other. He was giving me the choice, leaving it up to me to say, ‘aye’ or ‘naye.’
I looked at the TV screen in front of me. How easy it would be to just say yes. Yes to possibilities. Yes to new things. Yes to excitement and more of his burning kisses. Oh, how easy it would be.
“Zander, I’m sorry, I just can’t do this right now. I’m really concentrating on graduation and the coming semesters. School’s starting in like three days. I don’t have time for all the distractions.” I faced him and I pulled my hands away from his grasp. I needed the space. I wanted to bring back the equilibrium that I constantly treaded on.
He took a long look at the TV directly in front of him. The muscle on his jaw started ticking and I had the odd feeling that this was how he prepared himself for a letdown.
In a soft voice, I found myself saying, “I had fun last night with you. I just don’t like the paparazzi-like people.” His eyes were now trained on me. “I’m not ready to get into anything right now. I just came out of a relationship. I don’t like feeling out-of-control and that’s how I feel with everything that’s going on.”
He looked at me with hooded eyes, “I understand.” He pulled my hands back to his, held them for what must have been like 5 minutes, and slowly pulled his legs up from the couch.
I stood up and walked towards the door. It was easier this way. I had goals. I had plans. He was going to distract me from all of those. I knew because he made me feel out of balance, out of my comfort zone.
He walked slowly towards the door and softly said, “Nice meeting you, Sedona.”
I nodded and closed the door behind me. In my mind, I made the right decision. Then, why did my heart feel laden with sadness?
*****
After picking Kieran up from the airport, we spent a lot of time together. Spring Semester was starting soon. The next few days passed in a flurry of activities. Mostly with Kieran. I thoroughly missed hanging out with him. When he went to compete for the qualifying meets for the World Championships, he was gone for almost 2 weeks. Before he left for the meets, majority of his days were spent either in class or in the pool. We had a lot of catching up to do.
We went snorkeling in Clipper Cove Way, hiked in the Santa Cruz Mountain Trails, and spent a lot of time at the beach. Kieran did not have to practice for a few days, but I knew he was itching to. I sort of helped him practice by serving as his timekeeper/coach/cheerleader when he swam in the ocean waters. He was such a sight to see in the water, as if he was born to be in it.
After my conversation with Zander, which ended with me basically telling him that I was not ready for anything, I did not expect to hear anything from him. I was extremely surprised when I received a text from him that same night. His text was ‘
Goodnite’.
The next night, I received another text, ‘
Sweet dreams’
.
It was almost a regular thing now. At 10 PM, my phone pinged with an incoming text from him. I just read them. I did not reply back. I fought the urge to respond back. It bothered me a bit that I found myself looking forward to his texts before I went to sleep.
In a way, it was good for me to be with Kieran. It made me focus on what my goals were. I became more comfortable in my decision of not pursuing anything with Zander. But, there were times; I was roused from sleep, dreaming of his blue-green gaze.
It was the last day of break before classes started. Kieran and I were swimming along one of our favorite spots at Mission Bay. The cool water was making me chilly. My feet were paddling in a certain spot under the water. I wanted to rest in that spot for a few minutes. I was gazing at the amazing view of the sun slowly cresting in the horizon. Kieran was floating a couple of feet away from my spot.
“Why do you not say anything about the people I date?” I asked. I had been meaning to ask him this but there never seemed to be the right time.
“Is this about that guy, Zander?” He saw the picture on the website because his buddy sent it to him after recognizing me in it.
“Not really. It’s just about the people I date, in general. I make comments about the girls you date. Why don’t you make comments about my dates?”
“Ace, you’ve only dated 2 guys. It’s not like you have a massive collection of dates that I can critique. Plus, I don’t make comments because you have to figure it out,” he simply said.
“Figure what out?” I looked towards him but the reflection of the sky in the water was causing a glare that it hurt my eyes to look at him directly so I looked away.
His voice clear, “In life, maybe in love, things don’t fall in black and white checkboxes.”
“What do you mean?” I was confused. In our more than 12-year friendship, I knew this was one of those key and extremely rare moments when he was trying to convey a life lesson.
“Ace, exploring the gray areas in life is what brings it color. It may lead to happiness. Life’s not all black and white. Things or people don’t always have to fit in a plan or a schedule.”
He was an introspective guy. One of his many admirable and endearing qualities.
“Ohh-kaay. Are you saying that there’s something wrong with planning? And, what does this have to do with you not making any comments about guys I date?”
His voice solemn, I swam closer to him because the sound of the waves on the shore was disrupting my hearing. “Ace, I love you. You’re the sister I never had. I will always protect you. But I can’t experience life for you. If you date a guy, it means you must have seen something in him that you like. I don’t comment because I want you to decide for yourself whether he’s right for you,” his brown-eyed gaze focused on me.
My vision started blurring, “Do you think there’s something wrong with me? I mean, I gave a guy a chance and look at what happened. Maybe, it’s because I’m too young or too inexperienced. Maybe guys don’t like that.”
With angry eyes, he faced me, “Don’t think every guy is going to be like that asshole, Brennan. He’s a stupid scumbag. He didn’t deserve you. I should have said something from the beginning. He was my friend. I knew he was going to make a play on you once you turned 18. I honestly thought he had changed when he met you and he wasn’t going to play around. That’s why I didn’t say anything. Obviously, I was wrong.”
It wasn’t Kieran’s fault that Brennan became my boyfriend. I first met him at Kieran’s house when I was 15; Brennan was 18 at that time. He thought I was Kieran’s younger sister since I was always around Kieran. Brennan and Kieran attended the same all-boys high school.
The years went by, I saw Brennan time and time again. It was purely coincidental that the three of us ended up going to school in San Francisco. Brennan asked me out on a couple of dates and last year, he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said
‘yes’ before I could even tell Kieran because I liked how Brennan made me feel. He made me feel like a girl. When Kieran found out that Brennan and I were officially dating, he did not say anything about it. Something must have happened between the two of them because every time Brennan was around, Kieran went scarce.
“Kieran, it’s not your fault that it didn’t work out with Brennan.”
Maybe it was mine
.
I did not put out.
It was unspoken; however, the look on my face must have clued him into what I was thinking.
“Oh Ace, c’mere,” he stopped gliding in the water and started swimming towards me. He wrapped his right arm around me; our feet waded in the water. There was no malice between us. I could be in my bikini or underwear and he could still hug me and I’d feel safe.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. But I just hope that you’ll give other guys a chance too. Just because Brennan did that, doesn’t mean other guys are like that. You got to give people a chance to know you. You gave me a chance, right? ” he said.
The day I found out Brennan was cheating, I ran to Nalee and Tanya because I knew that if I told Kieran, he would probably have driven out to Brennan’s place and beaten him to a pulp. Nalee and Tanya must have mentioned the “cheating” part to Kieran because I never told him.
“Kieran, thank you for being here, there, and everywhere for me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not good enough for anybody. I know I have weird quirks. And I’m closed off. I don’t think anyone will ever understand me the way you, Nalee, and Tanya do.”
A long, companionable silence stretched between us. The water was getting chillier by the minute. I was ready to head back to shore.
Kieran still had something to say, “Ace, you’re more than good enough. Look at yourself. You’re gorgeous, smart, and you got some kick-ass legs. The ‘kick-ass part’ is from Duncan.” Duncan was one of his swimming buddies in campus. He was a very good-looking Swedish-Russian guy, who always winked at me when I watched Kieran’s practices.
He continued, “My point is, you have to give people a chance to know you. You didn’t know me before. You didn’t know Nalee or Tanya before. But you gave us all a chance and now we have a great friendship. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”
“I might’ve met someone special but I think I blew it,” my voice wandering off into the distance.
“Well, maybe next time you meet someone special, you can let the possibility flow between you and him. You’re special. A guy has to be pretty damned special too to have you. I know because I’m extraordinary so I got a
n extraordinary best friend.” Those cocky comments were unique to Kieran. He might carry a boatload of confidence but he always spoke the truth.
“Beauty lies in your eyes. Look at the world with optimism; you will see just how beautiful it is.”
Sedona
Friday night.
Kieran had invited me to attend the
College Sports Awards Night with him. It was a last-minute invite. His parents canceled the previous day because his younger brother suffered a concussion during a basketball game so they were unable to make the trip from L.A. to San Francisco. Nalee was also attending the event with me since Kieran had two tickets available.
Kieran had already made me promise not to try and beg him to go home before my bedtime. I conceded because it didn't happen too often that your best friend gets nominated for a prestigious Sportsman of t
he Year award.
Nalee's
petite beauty, with her new pixie haircut, stood out in the little, black dress she was wearing. Her hazel eyes shone and she looked beautiful. Looking at her, I could not help but wonder how Jerome could be such an ass. She was such a sweetheart and in Tanya’s words, "Her heart is bigger than her boobs!" Nalee was very conscious of her 36C breasts because men tended to look at her chest first before her face. She really had a big heart.
I donned a simple, beige blouse with cutout sleeves and paired it with black, silk slacks. Nalee helped me pull of a side ponytail look with soft curls, fr
aming my face.
When Kieran picked us up, he let out a whistle and exclaimed how lucky he was to be attending the ceremony with hotties on b
oth of his arms.
The event was held at a prestigious ballroom club in San Francisco. The invites stated that 100 people attend each year. Could there be that many college athletes in my school? As I looked around, it actually looked more like 200 people were attend
ing this event.
The mood was light and casual. We were seated with 2 baseball players and their parents. They were pleasant to talk to and one of the baseball players was flirting with Nalee. Nalee probably had no clue because she thought everyone was just being friendly with her.