Love You Anyways (15 page)

“A few times.” She laughed.

“Good.”

~

I sat at my desk and decided I was going to order a new bed. I didn’t want to make love or fuck Tessa in a bed that she wasn’t comfortable in. I looked through the dozens of webpages and decided on one I wanted and ordered it. I ordered three new sets of sheets and all new bedding and curtains. I was gonna paint the room too.

I attached the pictures to an email and sent it to her with the subject line that said, Out with the old…waiting for you…LYA.

I assumed she wouldn’t respond so I went and showered and sat at the kitchen bar waiting for Logan. I hoped he’d be home soon because I was fucking beat. My phone beeped alerting me of a message.

-Nice color. I like
blue…TT

I replied immediately.

-Oh wow I didn’t know that…LYA

But I knew and she knew I did.

-Goodnight…TT

-Check out the song
Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade. Impossible to find but I did. Impossible to replace and I never will. Take your time Baby but remember I won’t fail you again, ever…LYA

I didn’t expect a response but three minutes later I got one.

-
Goodnight…TT

-Goodnight…LYA

Chapter 16

Confused

I walked into Jade and Ryan’s.

“Is she home yet?” It had been five days since I had seen her and no, she hadn’t texted me. Instead she gave Jade the reigns.

Jade was the one to tell me she was okay. Every fucking two days she would text me.

-She wants you to know she’s fine…Jade

“She is but they’re leaving again. She needs to get through this Lucas. Back off for a while, let her come to you.”

“Nice advice but I don’t think so.”

“Lucas, don’t be such an ass.”

“I know you think you know everything Jade
, but I know her just as well if not more than you do.”

She laughed. “Really.”

“Fuck yes. She’s trying to get through her loss. Now add to that the guilt about her and me. I won’t let her feel guilty. This isn’t wrong.”

“Then why are you keeping it a secret?”

“For her!”

“Not for your kids Lucas?”

“Fuck no. Is that what she thinks?” I stopped and thought for a moment. “Good, you let her know I’m gonna let my kids know so she doesn’t have to feel guilty.”

I walked out the door and to my house.

I wasn’t home two minutes when she texted me.

-I DO NOT want anyone to know…TT

- Why?...LYA

-I thought we were keeping it between us…TT

-Us as in you, me, and Jade? Or us as in you and I? I ask because I’m a little fucking confused…LYA

-I need to talk to Jade sometimes…TT

- I need to talk to YOU once in a while…LYA

She didn’t reply.

-Okay then so you won’t mind if I tell my kids I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!...LYA

I turned my phone off and threw it on the bed. Game on.

An hour later there was a loud knock on my back door. I stood up and took off my shirt, I wouldn’t need it.

I ran down the stairs and opened the door to a very angry looking, yet beautiful Tessa.

“Well hello there gorgeous! What brings you…”

Her hands fisted in my hair and her lips crashed into mine.
Fuck yeah.

I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around me and I carried her up the stairs.

Mouth against mouth, both fighting for control.

I set her on my new bed and pulled her shirt over her head and took her breast in my mouth. I leaned over
, pushing her down on the mattress and yanked her leggings off and tore her underwear in two. I pulled myself free from my jeans and bent down to taste her.

“No. My rules.” She pulled my head up by my hair.
Fuck that felt good
.

“Baby…”

“No. Lay down.” Her voice quivered a bit. She cleared her throat. “Now.”

She didn’t have to ask me again. I laid down and she climbed up from the bottom of the bed like a little tigress. Sexy as hell. But her eyes didn’t show the ferociousness she was trying to portray.

She leaned down, spread my legs apart and her mouth captured one of my balls and she sucked pretty damn hard.

“Easy Baby.” I hissed.

She did it again and no less forceful than before. Then, she rolled the other in her hand and tugged on it.

She let my ball drop from her mouth and then looked at me. “I’m in control.”

“You certainly fucking are.” I reached down to pull her up and she sat back on her heels and spread her knees. Her finger slid just inside her slit and I tried to contain myself.

“I’m in control.” Her words seemed to be a mantra to her. I nodded as my eyes moved back and forth from her eyes and her finger that was dancing with her sweet pink lips.

She reached up and took my cock in her hand and stroked me as she rubbed herself.

“Baby that feels real nice and the visual is fucking unbelievable, but I want in you so bad right now.”

She squeezed my cock hard and I groaned.

“I’m in control.”

“Yeah Baby you are. Show me how much control you have.”

She continued using her hands on both of us. I was close, she was close and I was dying.

“Oh, oh yes.”

As much as I hated her getting herself off, I was so fucking turned on. I sat up and leaned in to kiss her.

“I’m in…”

“Baby you are, just please give me your lips.”

She kissed me and I took control of that shit. She was so fucking hungry. I leaned back and she leaned into me further and further until she was climbing on my lap. She reached down and eased herself onto me.

“Condom baby.” I reached over and grabbed one from the new nightstand and started to open it and she took it. “I’ll just lay here.”

She rolled it on me and then started her wet hot descent on my cock.

“Fucking perfect.” I groaned.

She closed her eyes and that control she was seeking came through in fucking spades. She rode me wild. When she started to come I reached up and rubbed my thumb across her clit and she lost all that control.

I rolled her on her back. “My turn.”

She nodded and I pumped into her until I was bled dry.

I held myself above her and covered her lips and face with soft slow kisses as she came down slowly from her orgasm.

“Perfect. Tessa I love…”

“Damn it Lucas!” She tried to sit up.

“Wait. I love fucking you.”

She smiled slightly.

“I really love fucking you.”

“So you said.”

I laid beside her and pulled her onto her side and kissed her neck.

“How was your trip?”

“It went as planned.”

“How are you?”

“Fine.” I felt her body tense.

“When do you leave again?”

“Two days Lucas and I’m going to be busy.”

“Too busy to stop by for a nooner tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“Clear an hour. Just an hour.”

She covered her mouth and yawned. “I’ll see what I can do.”

I held her until she was fully relaxed and still. I gave it a few minutes before I looked down and saw she was in fact asleep.

I pulled her a little closer and then reached over and set the alarm on my phone for an hour.

I woke to small little whimper and her shaking in my arms. I held my lips to her head as I rubbed her back. I wanted her to wake up feeling safe.

“No, no, no!”

She tried to sit and I held her tighter as she began to cry.

I rubbed her back. “Baby you awake?”

“Uh huh,” her voice quivered.

“Do you dream like this every night?”

“When I sleep.”

My heart just shattered into a million pieces. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”

She snuggled in closer and my alarm sounded. “Stay still.”

“How long was I asleep?”

“An hour. What plans do you have for the rest of the day?”

“None but they’ll wonder where I am.”

I
quickly sent Jade a text.

“Jade will cover for you. Where’s your phone?”

“On the floor somewhere.”

I got up and sent a text to Harper from her phone and laid back down.

“You’ll sleep for a while. Logan won’t be home for five hours and you are going to sleep.”

“Don’t you have to work or something?”

“No, I have to hold a girl together so she can continue having the strength to do it for everyone else. I am that man for you Tessa. Don’t fight it. Don’t push my buttons cause you know damn well where to push until I go off. Accept it. Fuck, embrace it. It’s gonna happen anyway.”

“Then stop pushing me,” she whispered.

“Sleep.”

And she did. I didn’t, I held her and waited for the next bad dream to cause pain to the woman I love.

She slept. No bad dream. No crying out. When she woke she rubbed my chest and looked up at me.

“Thanks.”

“You hungry?”

“No
, I need to go.”

I hesitated and then finally let her sit up. “I hate this part.”

“What part?” She asked as she stepped off the bed.

“The part where you leave.”

She bent down and kissed me and the rubbed my cheek. “I promise…”

“Oh bullshit.” I forced a laugh and stood up. She looked down. “Look I am just gonna ask you once to see me before you leave again.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it Tessa. We don’t have to have sex or talk about hurt, but this.” I pointed to my bed. “Sleeping is important. Let me at least help you out with that.”

“Okay.”

I looked at her trying to figure out what she was thinking.

“Tomorrow at nine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. But Lucas?”

“What Baby?”

“We won’t just be sleeping.”

I was a little shocked and a lot turned on. “Perfect.” I had to try to turn it off too. “Look. You and I are going to happen. I want you to trust that I am here and that I want to know how you’re feeling. What you’re feeling. I want you to be able to tell me when you’re hurting and trust me to hold you together.”

She scowled at me. “When? After you fuck me? Is that the appropriate time to tell the man who says I am supposed to be with him that I don’t know if that’s true? Am I supposed to tell you I wish it were me that died so I didn’t have to be the one left behind? Am I supposed to tell you that after I am with you I feel ashamed and disgusted that I enjoyed myself when Collin can’t? Am I supposed to look at my children and say ‘Hey I’m banging Lucas again so let’s move on’?”

I let her vent and rant for as long as I could. “You were supposed to be here still Tessa. Collin’s time…”

“For you? Collin was a fill in until you got your shit together and realized I was worth it back then?”

“No Tessa that’s not…”

“I was worth it you know! He was not a fill in! He was…”

“You were worth it and you still are. Collin was supposed to be…”

“Just stop. Just stop!”

“I’m sorry that this is tearing at you. It hurts me to see you hurt, I wish you could see that.”

“I can’t see anything! I am a fucking wreck and you’re making it worse Lucas! Give me time to heal damn it. Because maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m supposed to just end it. Maybe…”

I felt that tight pain return in my chest that came with the realization that I was hurting her
, more than I was helping her. I’d felt it before. A long time ago. “Okay.”

“What’s that mean?”

“I would rather live without you than not have you to look at from a distance. If I need to stay away, if I was wrong about you needing me, then I’ll step back Baby, cause I will not push you over the edge.”

“Good.”

She sounded just as upset about that and I was drowning and there was no life preserver in sight.

“Tell me
that it will make you not think shit like that again. I can’t fucking lose you. I just can’t.”

“Then now you know how it feels to have lost him.”

I looked away and she grabbed my chin and turned it to her. “I’m so sorry I can’t get you through your loss. But…”

“I never needed you to. I’m good Tessa
. Okay?” I smiled hoping she was buying into my shit. “Please be safe and keep Jade close.”

She smiled the same fake smile I did. “Goodbye Lucas.”

I couldn’t stand the hot and cold, yes and no, love me, don’t love me, shit that only I brought into her life. One minute we’re not going to be just sleeping and the next she wants more and then a fight. Grasping to hold on, I start the back and forth too. The you don’t have to talk, and then the you need to talk to me. This head trip we did to one another was insane, always had been. Both of us trying to hold the other up. Both of us to stubborn to allow it. The most fucked up part was I wanted to be all those things for her and she couldn’t handle it, not now. Maybe not ever. But I could not be the cause of her pain. I knew we loved each other. She knew it too.

When she walked out the door
, the pain was so intense it brought me to my knees. I held my chest and prayed to God to take the pain away, or let it take me, but to keep Tessa safe.