Love.com (6 page)

In the
busy days that followed, she felt better knowing she didn’t cave to Eddie’s parent’s wish he go to hospice in his final days. She felt like she owed her husband that. She told herself she did her duty by Eddie. She put on a stoic front through the funeral; honoring him as she had her marriage vows.

She was devastated to find the letter while cleaning out his closet, realizing her whole life was a mockery
; her noble sacrifice unappreciated.

Emily closed her eyes, forcing away the bitterness she felt. It was true what they said. You could never really know some
one completely. The news the letter contained rocked her world, reminded her how naïve she’d been.
Stop it, don’t go there
, she thought morosely, her toe dragging along the tub tiles, her expression growing wistful.

Suddenly she thought of Ian
. The water began to feel warmer; the world a less cruel place. Thoughts of him took her mind off her failures, her inadequacies, and made her feel beautiful even if she wasn’t. It seemed a harmless pastime. A lighthearted flirtation in her head didn’t have any backlash, any regrets, and any pain.

H
er hand slipped under the water, finding the sensitive place that seemed to have a mind of its own the last sixteen hours since she set eyes upon Ian Sawyer.

As soon as her fingers began to touch herself,
Ian’s handsome face filled her mind, making her gasp aloud as the pleasurable sensations intensified. Emily had a series of small orgasms, making her grip the sides of the tub as she came, glorying in such a guiltless, solitary means to find release.

She smiled, deciding
some of her problems had been solved tonight, if not the world’s. She knew one thing; these imaginings weren’t enough for her. She needed something real. She needed to think about dating again.

While most of her friends and family would argue it was far too soon to contemplate
; Emily felt like she wasted enough time already. With that decided, she got out of the tub and dried off, putting on her fluffy pink robe.

Emily sat at her computer desk in
the bedroom, flipping it on, eyes filled with determination. Even as she typed in the words to the search engine, she questioned doing this. She was
so
not going to do this, she told herself repeatedly. As soon as the website opened, she made up her mind to do it.

~
~ ~

“You did what?” Joan looked alarmed when they met up at the gym
the next day. She informed her of her decision to join the popular dating site. Love.com was the most talked about site. They carefully screened each member. “Are you frickin' nuts, Em? Oh my God, you really are loosening it! Why would you want to do that for?”

Emily glared at her. “Because I might as well get used to the idea of being single. Dating seems like the perfect way to do that.”

“It’s too soon,” Joan argued and shook her head, her brown eyes filled with concern. “What if you meet some wackjob stalker on there? Come on, you can’t be serious? Eddie hasn’t been gone a month, Em! What the hell were you thinking?”

“My husband wouldn’t hold it against me, Joan,” Emily replied evenly, disappointed by her friend’s reaction. “I think dating
right now might be good for me.”

“You need to focus on yourself, not making dates with
complete strangers online!”

“Joan, I’m doing this
. I don’t care what you say,” Emily said and refused to meet her gaze. She was afraid Joan would see the truth there; that she was starting to unravel. Thoughts of Ian Sawyer dogged her every waking moment. Even when she told herself she joined the dating service to get past her own personal loss, she admitted privately she did it to exorcise Ian’s image from her mind. It would nip her absurd fixation for him in the bud, she hoped.
Pretty hard to think about a guy you couldn’t have when another one is in front of you
, she consoled herself. She submitted a profile and uploaded photos to her page on Love.com and hoped for the best.

“What if you meet some
creepshow freak on there? Oh my God! You hear about this every day! You could wind up dismembered on the side of the road! If you want to meet men, John has plenty of single friends we could introduce you too. Please don’t do this, Emily. I’d be worried sick about you!” Joan’s brown eyes filled with concern.

“Too late
; I already joined.” Emily stepped onto the treadmill, recognizing by the tight-set of Joan’s features that she hardly approved. “I’ll avoid getting dismembered, trust me.”

“What is this
really about, Emily? We used to laugh at the people who joined those sites.”

“We were wrong and judgmental
, I think. Lots of people are doing it these days.”

“You’re missing Eddie. Just do as I asked you and talk to somebody, Em. You can’t order up love. It doesn’t work that way,” Joan argued as she stepped on the machine next to hers.

The hell I can’t
, Emily thought as she jogged on the rubber mat, refusing to admit her own reservations of making dates with virtual strangers. She hesitated now, thinking it a haven for serial killers, rapists, and all manner of undesirables. She steeled herself to see it through.

Meeting
another man would make her forget about what she couldn’t have. Ian the Unattainable worked his way into her every waking thought. She rushed to work every day just to see him. She hung on his every word. When they conversed about the campaign; her eyes were glued to his lips the whole time. She was mesmerized by the way he chewed during their business lunches, hanging on him like the traces of mustard to his firm, sensuous lips. All the while they worked closely together; she suffered with this unhealthy, one-sided adoration he seemed oblivious of.

No, Ian never saw her interest
in him. He joked with her, teased her, and treated her like a good friend. He would be appalled to know she pounced on him with her thoughts. She even hacked into his email account to see if he was dating anyone. She found nothing to indicate Ian was attached at all, and was even encouraged in her wayward romantic secret pursuit of him.

Joan would groan in dismay to know she
even took to driving by The Windsor Resort just to sit in the lot and spy on Ian in her spare time. She knew it was wrong, an invasion of his privacy, but she couldn’t help herself.

None of the recent drive-by’s yielded much but
suspicious looks from the security guards. She reluctantly gave up her post in his lot or be arrested. She followed him instead, veering in and out of traffic just to keep up with his sleek, silver Porsche.

After weeks of stalking him,
Emily could cheerfully report Ian wasn’t seeing any women during these outings. He went to the gym, met Evan for a golf game, and visited a nearby health food store. He had a routine she memorized.

Emily cringed inside with shame to know she was losing it over the guy. She recently stole his discarded tie off his desk when he was using the restroom just to smell it at her leisure. 

No, Joan didn’t need to know she was sick
; twisted on this man in such a way that made her grimace in disgust to acknowledge it.

Yes, dating was exactly what she needed right now. She was doing a great job
of making an ass of herself, mooning over him like a sixth grader. The guy didn’t know she was alive outside of work.

It was funny how everyone else at work identified her
romantic feelings for the Ambidor rep right off. They all eyed her pityingly; their looks clearly spelling out what her chances were.
Not a chance
, those looks said.
Give it up, Em, not happening, no way, no how
.

Ian was
just doing his job. His being nice to her, as any potential client would, shouldn’t have encouraged her. He never said anything to indicate he was aware of her sad, pathetic crush on him. He was always professional and regarded her as such. Maybe he was the asshole his former girlfriend accused him of being? She seriously hoped he was a real
fucktard
in his private life, relishing Joan’s latest word.

What
would it help to know he was as perfect as he appeared, as nice as he came off, and as desirable as she imagined? At the end of the day, guys like Ian Sawyer didn’t want women like her. They wanted women like Tabitha. Emily looked over at Joan, a light of determination in her gaze.

“I’ll be careful. I swear I won’t take any chances.”

“We’re getting you a gun!” Joan huffed and tossed her an angry look. “One false move and you blow the shithead off his bar stool. You got that?”

“Can we compromise on pepper spray? Somehow shooting a guy might
just land me in jail,” Emily joked, trying to sound reassuring. “I’ll be careful. I’ll only meet the guys in public places.”

“I think you’re out of your
damn mind, Em! This is the worst possible time for you to meet anyone, and you know it!”

Emily ignored her words, knowing it was all she could do to take her mind off her newest obsession. “I refuse to let life pass me by. Eddie
’s gone. I think I’m being proactive in moving ahead.”

“I think you’re running away from dealing with your grief. Trust me, Em, if you don’t deal with this; it
’ll deal with you. Been there; done it. Wish I had listened to my own advice.”

“And not enjoyed all those uniformed hunks you hook
ed up with?”

Joan glared at her
teasing words. “Some of them were hot; for sure. Some of them were even nice to be with. But most were just random tools I used to fix what couldn’t be fixed. I needed to heal inside, not run around with my panties in my purse.”

“I’ll keep my panties on
. I swear,” Emily promised, breathing heavily as she ran on the mat. “Think of this as therapy. Dating therapy might just be what I need right now. It might be more beneficial than seeing a shrink. It’s not like I’m investing much of anything but my time.”

“Oh that makes me feel
so much better,” Joan grumbled and ran faster. “My best friend is going out with weird guys rather than see a shrink! Dating therapy? Seriously, Em? Trust me when I say you can’t move on until you deal with your issues. When you humbly kiss my ass and say I was right; I won’t rub your nose in it.”

“I know you won’t,” Emily said and grinned. “You’re a good friend, Joan.”

“You bet your ass I’m a good friend! The best! Any less of a friend would encourage you right now!”

“Trust me; I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you really, Em?” Joan looked doubtful as she slowed down; then came to a halt. Her brown eyes met Emily’s with compassion in them. “You can fool everybody else you aren’t falling apart, but we met in the sandbox. I know you, Em. I know what Eddie meant to you, even if he didn’t deserve you. I’ve been there for you from day one. I wouldn’t bother saying a word if I didn’t care about you. I don’t want you to get hurt! Guys are real assholes, Em! You don’t need that shit right now! Rejection sucks!”

“I
’m not looking for a husband, just somebody to hang out with,” Emily countered defensively.

“We’re over thirty
now, honey. We don’t hang out anymore. If this is what you want; I’ll support your decision. I think you’ll realize you’re opening another can of worms trying to avoid dealing with your pain.”

“I’m doing what feels right to me, Joan. I’m not ready to deal with it yet.”

Joan’s expression softened. “Tell me you’ll deal with it soon and I’ll back off and stay out of it.”

“I’ll see someone if this doesn’t work. I’ll even let your husband refer me to one of his colleagues.”

Joan chuckled and shook her head. “Those guys are more screwed up than you are! Whatever! Ok, fine, so you’re going to do this? Ok, we have to get you date ready.”

“Date ready?”

Joan shrugged. “A make-over wouldn’t hurt. It’s my treat. You could use one, by the way.”

“Yeah, I haven’t been so good to myself
.”

“Em, it will all get better in time. There is no quick fix to take your mind off your feelings right now.”

Emily thought of her own personal quick-fix. He was six foot-three and smoking hot; one big tool that she’d like to use to hammer away at her pain. Ian was good for taking her mind off everything but him. The whole thing was crazy. She knew it even as she allowed it; knowing it pushed everything else away. She was getting really good at pushing things away she didn’t want to think about; using his image to hold off the inevitable pain.

Ian made her laugh with tales of his life back in Chicago; spoke of the places he’d travelled to. She could see his expression change when he spoke of his family.

His mother passed away when he was in college. He had an older adopted sister he hadn’t seen in years. She reasoned she saw longing there while he talked of his past. Did he wish he had someone to go home to? Did he even want that for himself?

At thirty
-three years old; Ian was at the height of his career. The fact he represented Ambidor during these negotiations told her how favored he was. He stayed in the best hotel in the city during his stay; his huge expense account paid for by his company.