Authors: Carla J Hanna
I stopped kissing him. “Can this be enough?”
He opened his eyes and
sighed
. “
There’s something about you, your kisses
.
Only you release
these
incredibly
intense
feelings
.
”
He sat up.
“
I need to explain this.
” He exhaled and shrugged his shoulders
,
“So sex with Kate
felt
great, sure, but… it’s like
my
tattoo.
She wanted her name on my body. Fine, whatever makes her happy.
It hurt to get
the tattoo
but it’s on the surface
.
It only bled for a few minutes but it’s permanent
.
I don’t want another one
and
forget it’s there
except when I see you look at it
.
It bleeds when I go back in to try to change it, hide her name, so you don’t have to be reminded.
It’s skin deep, like my love for her. I didn’t want to have sex
the first time
, felt guilty about it,
and then didn’t care if we did it again.”
He held my hand and shook his head. “
W
ith you, my love is so deep. Waiting for
you was so painful, wanting you and
loving you
for years
.
Now that you’re
finally mine,
your kisses cut me. When we ha
ve sex, you tattoo
my heart
each time
.
It’s permanent.
I want every letter of your name inked inside of me, covering me.
I don’t feel the guilt. There’s no way that it’s wrong.
I love
to make love
and want my
body to be your canvas.
”
We
got up off of the floor. “I love you always and forever, Marie. Just remember to talk things through if I diss you
. I
t’s easier
for me
to go back to repressing
my feelings.”
I nodded
and
left his room so he could change into his uniform.
Kisses weren’t enough for him
, and I couldn’t lose him—ever
.
Mom told me to be true to myself but the threat of losing Manuel was too scary.
I didn’t care about sex but hoped that someday I’d desire him. Until then, i
f he wanted my body with a porno
running
in the background, it was his.
Liz and Carlos were snuggling on the couch watching TV. I smiled at them, wondering how they could be so in love after being together for nineteen years. I figured I’d ask them.
“How
are you guys still in love after all those years?
”
Liz laughed and looked at Carlos. She was being careful not to offend me in any way.
Carlos spoke
,
“
Drugs and
casual
sex are only fun for a
little while
. The fast life is empty.
L
ove
and f
amily
make me
happy
and
complete.
I love the companionship I have with Liz.
We
share our thoughts and dreams. We connect. I’m still in love because I’m still grateful that she loves me. I
love
my kids.
” He smiled at me. “I’m like you, Marie. I
want love, not rough sex
.”
I
blushed
.
I explained my feelings,
“I just… I think it should be private,
you
know
, between Manuel and me. I’m embarrassed.”
Liz
responded,
“I know, but Man
ny
’s not your typical teenager
. He doesn’t want to make mistakes with you. He loves you so much.”
I shrugged my shoulders. He was honest with everyone, confided in his parents. I was honest and told
Mom
everything, too, with the exception of
Byron
because I thought she’d punish him
,
but she found out about that anyway. Manuel came out of his room and saw
my
awkward
ness
.
He gave his mom a stern look
and put his arm around me
. “Mom, don’t scare my girlfriend.”
I laughed
. W
e all did.
I explained
,
“She’s not. S
he’s just sorry.”
“Manuel, where should I drop you off?” I asked
as we
head
ed
out of the apartment. “We’ll be followed from here, and I think it will be easier if they didn’t know where you work.”
“If the back door is open, I’ll run inside the kitchen. If not, park, walk in with me and hang out for a while. They’ll think we’re going for an intimate dinner before the restaurant is open. It happens all the time. A couple weeks ago I waited on that guy who starred with you in
Left to Die
.
He looked worse than I thought. I felt bad that he’s dying, even though now I want to
smash in his face.”
Rex was dying
of
cancer. He still look
ed
really young
—
exactly like he did when shooting the movie with
me
—
but more frail. Another actor
I knew
died
of
a heart attack
a few weeks
earlier
. Like
Mom
, she also looked really great for her age and
seemed
super healthy
,
so I was floored that she was even sick.
The back door was open. Manuel smiled at me and bolted inside the restaurant before a car turned into the alley behind me.
I drove back to my house relieved that
Manuel
was still in my life. I needed to be more careful with him. I didn’t want to lose him. I
needed to
protect him from the tabloids. He shouldn’t be subjected to people’s judgments and condemnations. I
needed to
give Sage a head’s up to manage my private life more privately.
No one was home. I was relieved
because
I
h
ad an English essay to write.
I put my purse on the kitchen island and almost jumped out of my body with joy when I saw my birthday present from Attila on the counter. There on a beautifully decorated plate was the one thing he ma
de
that surpasse
d
all others: a scrumptious chocolate brownie with a fondant mini-bow on top.
I ate the brownie
with a tall glass of milk, savoring every bite.
I decided to do the outline and research
my English essay
and then finish writing
it
the next day
. I like
d
background research before I start
ed
my acting projects, too. It help
ed
me get into character and determine my voice. Memorizing the lines
wa
s so easy once I kn
e
w the character
’s motivations
.
Celia’s ring tone
interrupted my essay planning.
I rushed to the phone, almost falling on the floor in the process of getting to it.
“Hi,” I blurted out.
Celia asked,
“Is this a good time?”
“Yeah, I
almost killed myself getting to the phone.” I explained. “I’m writing an essay for school.”
“
Lia
, my suspicions are confirmed. You and your mom are both producers. All payments and expenses are run through the entity, either yours or your mom’s production company
depending on your accounting practices
. The Muse project did not need to be renegotiated when you turned eighteen because your mother was not representing a minor. You received a declaration of emancipation immediately after you turned fourteen, after your existing contracts with
your other
studio and agent were in place when you were thirteen. Clearly, you and your mother did not get those contracts renegotiated after you were emancipated. I always wondered how they got around filming suggestive sex with a minor in the
Left to Die
film. You evidently initiated your own project for your Marie Michael
P
roduction
s c
ompany at the time you starred
in
Left to Die
and when you
starred in the “Muse” projects. You were not a minor under SAG jurisdiction. Filming the scene the way they did didn’t violate any of the California child labor laws. Do you understand?”
Mom was very, very smart and so
w
as Martin
. I remembered being on set that day. It was April 23
rd
, the day after my fourteenth birthday. That morning, I signed papers with a notary on
the set of
Left to Die
to file for the emancipation of a child actor. I remembered that I had thought that emancipation meant that I wouldn’t be a
slave anymore and I said so out
loud. Everyone in the room had laughed. I was embarrassed and didn’t know why they laughed so nervously. I did the rape scene that afternoon.
“
No.
Not really.” I admitted.
“What does my emancipation have to do with Muse now?”
“
I
t doesn’t
now
. What I’m concerned with is that you have your own mini-studio
, Marie Michael Production
s
.
That
means
you’re
stuck doing Muse for a very, very long time. If you bail on Muse, you ruin your own finances and affect
M
ichelle
’s income stream.
M
ichelle
’s legal name is Michelle Marie Michael so I’m not sure how much of the c
ompany is yours
and how much is
hers
, perhaps they’re separate
.
Richard and Ira are also in the web. I don’t see how you can get out of acting when the brand is so successful.
You’re
not
replac
e
able.
”
“
Oh. Now I understand p
erfectly.
”
At least I got out of some of my obligations.
Mom
always made it clear to me that I was bound to Muse. It seemed ironic that she tied me to Muse as she was tied to Rose. She felt like a slave
. I did too;
so much for me being emancipated.
Celia added, “Do I have your permission to discuss this with Michelle?”
“Absolutely. Thank you, Celia, for watching my back. Right now, I definitely feel like a child.”
“It’
s what I’m here for, to love and protect you. Now, you don’t worry about this at all. Nothing has changed, and
I’m
certain Michelle is committed to protecting you, too.
She loves you.
Focus on school and on graduation. We are very proud of you for not taking the easy way out and just getting your GED.”
“Thanks.” I hung up. I knew it couldn’t be so simple to get out of this business when I
was
a success. But I c
ouldn
’t think about that now. I ha
d
a semester of school to catch up on
before finals.
I sat at my computer, trying again to
outline
my English essay. I wondered about the timeless themes we studied throughout the year in all the novels we read: selfishness, unrequited love, longing, angst, greed, inequity, conflict
,
and suffering.
W
hat
about
change? Change is the constant of time. Everything changes. I may look the same as I have looked for years but my awareness and attitudes have changed. My beliefs of what
we
re good and bad also changed based on the context in which my beliefs were challenged. I
was
currently dating Manuel, the ex of my former best friend. That
was
a
n
underhanded
thing to do to my former best friend. But dating him
wa
s right for me
, even if I might
rot in hell for it later.