Every minute of every day, Emily was looking for reasons as to why John had not come back to her. ‘One day he may realise that the other woman isn’t for him,’ she said hopefully.
‘If you’re waiting for that to happen, you’ll be wasting precious time.’ Like any mother, Aggie wanted happiness for her child. She needed to see her settled and content before the years caught up with her. ‘You’re still young,’ she said encouragingly. ‘You should be looking for a fresh start, with a new man. And what about Cathleen? She’s over four years old now. It won’t be long afore she starts at the village school. What will she think, when the other children start talking about their daddies? An’ how long will it be afore she starts asking questions about
her
daddy?’
Emily, too, had been troubled about that very thing. ‘I don’t know,’ she answered truthfully.
‘Will you tell her how her daddy ran out on you, and that you’ve no idea where he is?’ Aggie asked innocently.
‘Right now, I’ve no idea what I might tell her.’ Emily had never argued with the rumours that circulated, about John being the father of her child. At the time it had seemed easier that way. Yet if he ever did come back, she knew she would be bound to tell him what had happened that day in the barn. She would have no choice but to confess that little Cathleen had been the result, and that though she herself would regret the making of her till the day she was gone from this earth, she would never regret knowing and raising that lovely-natured little girl.
‘You must tell the child the truth,’ Aggie said firmly. ‘That her father went away and never came back. You can tell her all about him if you choose, or make up any story you like. But the child has a right to know who her father is.’
Emily’s heart sank. ‘That’s for me to decide, Mam! You mustn’t worry your head about it.’ The prospect of telling Cathleen who her father was had caused her many a sleepless night.
‘I’m not saying it isn’t your decision, lass. All I want is for you to think about it and be ready, for when she starts asking the questions.’
For a moment Aggie discreetly observed her daughter deep in thought. There was a troubled look on Emily’s face that prompted her to ask worriedly, ‘Cathleen
is
John’s child, isn’t she?’
Emily looked up. ‘Well, that’s what they’re all saying, so it must be right.’
‘Yes, lass. It’s what
they
say, and we all thought the same. But
you’ve
never said. You’ve never confirmed or denied it. Not so as I recall, anyway.’
Pushing the chair away, Emily excused herself. ‘I’m feeling tired now, Mam,’ she apologised. ‘I’d best be away to my bed.’ She kissed her mother on the forehead and was soon on her way upstairs.
Left alone, Aggie began to wonder. A dark suspicion crept in. If she wasn’t John’s child, then who was Cathleen’s father? Emily had only ever had eyes for John Hanley. The lass never kept company with any other young men – not so far as she knew, anyway.
A shocking thought entered her head then; so terrible that she thrust it to the back of her mind. ‘You mustn’t think bad things, Aggie!’ she told herself. ‘
What happened with you was a long time ago. You mustn’t let it colour your thinking, or it’ll send you out of your mind!
’
Afraid of her own rampaging thoughts, she took herself off to bed. But it was a long time before she could get to sleep, and even then, it was a sleep full of restless dreams.
In the morning it was as though the conversation between Emily and her mother had never taken place.
When Emily came into the kitchen with Cathleen beside her, Aggie was already cooking breakfast. ‘Look what I found, Mam.’ Emily sat the tousled-haired child at the table. ‘One half-asleep, starving-hungry little girl.’ She stooped to give her daughter a hug.
‘Dolly Dora wants a hug too.’ Cathleen held out her rag-doll. ‘I think she wants some porridge as well.’
Aggie turned from the stove to give her a smile. ‘Well now, we’d best feed you both, eh?’ she chuckled. ‘Afore you start eating the table!’
The child found that very droll. ‘We won’t eat the table, Grandma,’ she said. ‘Anyway, Dolly Dora hasn’t got any teeth.’
While Aggie spooned out the child’s porridge, Emily poured her a glass of milk. In a matter of minutes the child was settled, but no sooner had the two women sat down than there came a familiar tap on the door. ‘Any chance of a brew for a weary, hardworking milkman?’ Grinning from ear to ear, Danny poked his head round the door.
At once, Cathleen scrambled down from the table and threw herself into his arms. ‘Danny! Danny! Dolly’s having porridge,’ she said, leading him to the table. ‘You can have some too, if you like – can’t he, Grandma?’ Her face shone up at Aggie. ‘If there’s none left, he can share mine.’
‘Oh, there’s plenty left,’ she answered readily. ‘Only I’ve a feeling Danny might rather have eggs and bacon – and mebbe a sausage and a morsel o’ black-pudding too?’ She looked at Danny, who nodded emphatically.
‘That sounds just the ticket,’ he said, and sat himself at the table. ‘Morning, Emily.’ As always, his face lit up when he looked at her.
Emily bade him good morning. She brought his tea and served his meal, and the four of them sat together at the table, talking and laughing, and exchanging tales, just like a real family. For Danny it was a wonderful feeling. One he intended making permanent, soonever he got the chance.
When the meal was over, the dishes were carried to the sink. ‘I’ll give you ladies a hand washing up.’ Danny sank his hands into a pot-sink full of soda and hot water from the kettle, but that was as far as he got. ‘Take Cathleen up to see her grandad,’ Emily suggested, ‘while me and Mam wash up.’
‘That suits me.’ Danny drew his hands out of the water, and pretended to examine them. ‘All this hot, greasy water is doing terrible damage to my skin.’
‘Go on with you!’ He always made Aggie smile. ‘Get off upstairs, the pair of youse. Oh, and will you tell Dad I’ll be along shortly to change his bedlinen?’
‘I’ll do that,’ Danny answered with a cheerful grin. ‘And will you be all right, Emily?’ He always came back to her.
Emily gave him a grateful glance. ‘I’m fine, thank you, Danny,’ she answered. ‘Give me a few minutes, and I’ll be right behind you. Tell Grandad that for me, will you?’
Danny assured her he would. ‘So now, Cathleen me little darling, shall we go and say hello to your grandad, eh?’
‘Come on then!’ The child slid her hand into his. ‘Grandad’s waiting.’
Beaming, he allowed her to lead him away.
‘That man aches with love for you.’ Aggie never lost an opportunity to sing Danny’s praises.
‘I wish he wouldn’t,’ Emily answered. ‘I could never promise him anything.’
‘He’d wed you tomorrow, given the chance.’
‘I know that, and I’m flattered.’ Emily had a soft spot for Danny, but it wasn’t love and never could be.
Aggie, though, refused to give up. ‘He’s a good man.’
‘I know that too, Mam. But it doesn’t mean I have to marry him.’
Keeping her face to the window, Aggie dipped a plate into the hot water. ‘Love isn’t everything, lass,’ she said, scrubbing the plate until it shone.
Emily took the clean plate and wiped it over with her cloth. ‘Why do you say that?’
‘Because it’s true.’
‘You and Dad loved each other.’
‘Yes, and look what happened!’ There was anger in her now.
Keeping her voice down so as not to let anyone else hear, Aggie turned to her. ‘I gave him years of pampering. I worked alongside him, out there in all weathers. By! There were times when I were so tired and weary I thought I’d fall down on the spot, but I kept going, and when the day’s work was done, I’d wash his clothes and cook his meal, and give him all the loving a woman normally gives her husband.’
Turning away, she shook the water from her hands and wiped them dry. ‘After all that, he ran off and left me, when I needed him most.’ Looking Emily in the eye, she warned her, ‘You should never set too much store by love. There are more important things in life, such as security and contentment.’ Wagging an angry finger she finished, ‘You’d do well to remember that, my girl.’
She would have walked away, but Emily blocked her path. ‘You still love Dad though.’
‘Who says so?’
‘I do. Don’t deny it, Mam. You’d have him back tomorrow, wouldn’t you?’
‘Aye, lass, I would.’ The whisper of a smile touched Aggie’s mouth. ‘But that’s only because I’m a silly old fool who should know better.’
‘I must be a silly fool too, because that’s how I feel about John. I don’t love Danny in that way, Mam.’
Aggie was humbled, but hopeful for the child’s sake. ‘Aw, lass. Are you absolutely certain you and he couldn’t make a go of it?’
Emily gave an honest reply. ‘If I really thought John was never coming back, I dare say we could. But it wouldn’t be fair on him.’
‘And you’ve told him that, have you?’
‘Time and again. He knows how I feel, but he still wants to wed me.’
‘For the child’s sake if not your own, why don’t you just say yes?’
‘Is that what you want, Mam?’
‘Oh, lass! It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s your life and as far as I can see, you’ve got two choices.’
Emily gave a sorry little smile. She knew the choices only too well, for hadn’t she agonised these past years, and didn’t she always come up with the same empty hope; that there was still time for John to realise he’d made a mistake and come home. The trouble was, time had run out so quickly, and with every day that passed, she dreaded the questions Cathleen was soon bound to ask.
Aggie went on, ‘You can wait for John, and drive Danny away, so then you’ll be on your own. The years will pass and you’ll get lonelier and lonelier, and you might still not see hide nor hair of John Hanley. You’ll have denied Cathleen the opportunity of having a father, and mebbe brothers and sisters, and as for yourself – well, it’ll be awful hard, lass, because you’ll need to be both parents at once. There’ll be no companion, and no man there for you, not if you keep saving yourself for something that may never happen.’
Emily stopped her. ‘I know all this, Mam,’ she told her. ‘I’ve thought of nothing else.’
Aggie persisted. ‘The second choice and by my reckoning far the best option, is to accept Danny’s offer of marriage. Think of it, lass. You’ll have a home, and a husband who’ll cherish you.’
She then gave Emily a deliberate shock. ‘There’s summat else you need to think of, lass, and it’s this.’ Holding Emily’s questioning gaze, she informed her quietly, ‘There will come a time when me and your grandad are no longer here for you, lass.’
Emily’s heart turned over. She had never envisaged a life without her mother and it shook her to the core. ‘Please, Mam. Don’t talk like that.’
Aggie continued regardless. ‘I’m only saying what’s true. Hard though it may be, these things need to be considered. Besides, you owe it to yourself and the child to marry a good man, to make a home that will last. Be grateful and content that somebody loves you enough to keep pestering you, even though time and again you tell him no. There’s a good chance that if you keep turning him away, he might just meet a young woman who values him enough to say yes – and then where will you be, eh? I’ll tell yer.’
She was in full swing now. ‘You’ll be all on yer own, with a child to raise, with all the worries and decisions that go with it, and you won’t be able to sit down of an evening and talk it over with your husband because there’ll only be you. Is that what you really want, lass, and all because you can’t put John out of your mind – a man who cared so little for you, he went away and set up with some other woman?’
In her heart of hearts, Emily knew that everything her mother said was true. She had known it all along, yet had pushed it from her mind. Instead of listening to her head she had been listening to her heart.
Now though, in the wake of her mother’s outburst, she was forced to ask herself some harsh questions. Was she being selfish? Should she forget about John and settle for Danny? As a mother, shouldn’t she be putting Cathleen first? But no less important: could she bear to live with a man who she couldn’t really love? When he put his arms round her in bed of a night, how would she feel?
She considered all these things, and what came out as being most important was the child. After all, just like her mam said, Cathleen needed a father, and she already loved Danny in that way. But wasn’t it ironic, that the same man who to her mind had driven John away and defiled her that day in the barn, was now ruling her life as never before, through that same innocent child?
On top of all that, Emily now forced herself to consider what John had done to her. How could he ever have really loved her, to do a thing like that?
‘You keep thinking on it, lass.’ Aggie saw how deep in thought her daughter was, and it gave her little pleasure to have pointed out what was necessary. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve been brutal in what I said, but I only want you to do what’s right, for both you and the child.’
Having said her piece, Aggie busied herself, making the old man a brew. She then wiped down the pot-sink and put away the crockery. ‘You’d best go up and see Grandad now,’ she suggested. ‘Like as not he’ll be waiting for this.’
She gave the filled cup with saucer to Emily, together with a fond word or two. ‘Look, lass, I don’t hate John for what he did, though I wish it hadn’t happened. But it did. And it seems to me, whatever dreams you and he had together are over now. He’s carved out a life for himself, and to my mind, you need to do the same.’
‘I’m not ready yet, Mam.’ She sighed from deep down. ‘Maybe I never will be.’
‘Time will tell.’ Aggie’s heart dipped. She knew how turning your back on the man you cherished was not an easy thing for any woman. ‘You know I love you, don’t you, lass?’
Emily nodded. That much she had never doubted.
Aggie gave her a gentle nudge. ‘Go on then. Take that up to Grandad.’
Upstairs, while Cathleen played at the window with her rag-doll, the old man and Danny were catching up on events. ‘He strides round this place as if he owns it!’ The old man had fire in his eyes. ‘By! If I were a younger, fitter man, I’d have him down yon lane so fast his feet wouldn’t touch the ground!’