Loving a Lawman (21 page)

“Touch me like you mean it.” She pressed herself into his hand. She wanted him real. She wanted it real. Everything between them needed to be real. So much had happened and yet nothing. She needed him to stop holding back. He needed to be himself. Love her naturally.

He moved that hand up to cup the side of her face.

“Are you doing this because you're afraid?”

“I don't want to hurt you. Or the baby.”

“People have been making love since the dawn of time. I'm sure a few of them have been pregnant.”

“I suppose.” He dipped in for another kiss.

“Would it help if I told you that the doctor said it was okay?”

“Gary said that?”

She nodded. “He said making love in the first trimester is perfectly safe as long as there are no other issues.”

“He's a good doctor.”

Jessie laughed and pulled his lips back to hers.

She smiled against his kiss, running her hands into his waistband and untucking his shirt from his jeans. “Kissing a man with a gun is tricky,” she said, bypassing his weapon to ease her eager fingers under his shirt and up his warm torso.

“You have no idea.” He shivered as she made contact, then moved in a little closer. “But if you keep this up, I won't have any self-control left at all.”

“Isn't that the point?” She hooked her heels behind his legs to hold him in place.

“No, I want to love you like you need to be loved.”

His words shot a thrill through her greater than the desire that filled every pore.

“I want to lay you down in a soft bed.” He planted a quick kiss at the corner of her mouth. As he talked, he moved his hands over her, tugging at her cotton sleep shorts and the other pieces of their clothing.

“I want to kiss every single inch of you,” he continued.
“Your chin, collarbone. Each breast.” His mouth covered her through the fabric of her shirt, the cotton clinging to her as he wet the cloth.

“I want to touch every part of you and make you mine.” His hand slipped between them as Jessie fell into his words.

“I want to be yours,” she said. She had always been his. She just hadn't known it until recently. She scooted closer to him, realizing that her shorts were half off, dangling from one leg. He was a clever man, her sheriff husband.

“And you will be.”

His fingers found her, slipped inside. She was ready for him, so ready. She had been ready her whole life.

“Seth,” she gasped as he pushed farther inside. Touched her like no man before. “Seth, please.”

“Seth, please what?” he asked. He pulled away just enough for her to want him back.

“Please love me.” This friction was killing her.

“You know I do.”

Unable to take any more, Jessie fumbled with his zipper. She left his belt in place, needing him so desperately. She needed him now, five minutes ago, since the dawn of time.

It seemed like forever before her trembling fingers freed him. She brushed her fingers down his length, soft, hard. So much like the man.

“Jessie.” Her name was between a prayer and a curse, gritted from between clenched teeth. His control was slipping. She could see it in his eyes.

His hands came around and cupped her bare bottom. He lifted her and pressed for entrance. She used her hands to guide him home.

He filled her wholly and completely, the solid length of him taking her breath.

“Got to slow down,” he panted. She needed to move. She wiggled, urging him deeper.

He groaned. She gasped.

“No.” She buried her face in the warm crook of his neck. She wanted to stay that way forever, locked as one with him. But she needed that sweet friction even more. She pushed against him, urging him to complete their union.

His fingers dug into the soft flesh of her rear as he used his hands to pull her closer, closer, and then he moved away, only to come crashing in again.

Jessie kept her ankles hooked behind him, refusing to let him leave her for even a moment.

She met his thrusts with one of her own, finding an ancient rhythm with him that she hadn't known existed. He was more than she'd expected, and yet she needed him more and more.

“Don't,” she panted. “Don't . . .” But she couldn't get the words out as he loved her so fully.

“Am I hurting you?” He stopped, and Jessie bucked against him one last time.

“Don't ever stop loving me,” she finally managed.

“Never,” he said. Then took them over the edge of sanity.

And just as the last pulsing wave of their shared desire quaked through her, Seth's phone rang.

*   *   *

J
essie floated through the morning on the euphoric high of their lovemaking. They hadn't even gotten their clothes back to rights before Dusty called wondering where Seth was. Jessie supposed that was what five years of being punctual and never missing a day got him. Caught with his pants down. Almost literally.

The first pain hit just after lunch. At first Jessie thought
she had to go to the bathroom, but soon it became apparent that something else was wrong.

Please don't let it be the baby. Please don't let it be the baby.

She needed to call Seth. She needed Seth. He was her rock. He would know what to do.

She grabbed her purse and fished out her cell phone. It was dead. Unaccustomed to having the phone, she had forgotten to charge it. There wasn't a landline at the house. She would have to go to the big house. Someone there would help her.

One hand pressed to her lower stomach, she grabbed her keys. She had to stop at the front door and wait for the pain to subside. There hadn't been anything about searing abdominal pain in any of the books that she had. She had flipped through them all twice just to be sure.

Sadie whined as Jessie let herself out of the house and stumbled over to her Jeep. The ranch truck was still there in the yard. Seth was going to take it back this afternoon. Maybe she should drive it over, but she had grabbed the keys to her car and she wasn't going back now.

She slid behind the wheel of her Jeep and headed for the big house.

Wave after wave of pain washed over her as she drove.

She still had her appendix. Maybe it was her appendix. She wasn't sure how surgery would affect the baby, but the doctors would take care of her. She just had to get to the hospital. And pray that the baby was okay.

Jake waved as she pulled her Jeep into the drive. She tried to wave back but wasn't able. She had one hand pressed to her cramping stomach and the other in a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

She stopped the car, somehow managing to get out though she clung to the door like a lifeline.

Another pain doubled her in half.

“Jessie!” Jake yelled from his place in the corral. She could hear the pounding of his boots as he ran toward her. Then the warm, sticky gush between her legs. She barely registered the stain of blood on her jeans before she slipped unconscious.

W
here is she?” Seth skidded to a stop on the hospital's overwaxed tile floor. “Where's Jessie?”

The waiting area was strangely empty, but he didn't have room in his thoughts for the whys. He needed to find out about Jessie. “Where's my wife?”

Jake stood. He was pale, his expression grim.

Seth looked to his mother for some reassurance, but there was none. Grandma Esther sat next to his mama looking as grim as his brother.

This couldn't be happening.

He turned. He had to find her. He had to find her now. “Where is she?”

“She's sedated and resting,” Jake said.

“The baby?” His voice was barely above a whisper. He didn't need to ask to know.

Jake shook his head. “I'm sorry, Seth.”

He collapsed into the seat nearest him, his feet unable to hold him any longer. He braced his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. “This is all my fault.” He shouldn't
have made love her to this morning. Sure, all the books said it was okay, but what else could have caused her miscarriage?

“It's not your fault,” Jake said from beside him.

“It is,” Seth snarled. “This morning—” He stopped, unable to share. But Jake didn't need to hear the intimate details of their relationship. And Seth didn't need to hear that it wasn't his fault. He was responsible. He knew it.

“Seth?”

He looked up as Gary Stephens approached. He wore the same grim expression as everyone in his family. Seth was beginning to hate that look.

Gary—Dr. Stephens—stopped in front of him, reaching out to shake. “I'm so sorry for your loss.”

Seth looked at his hand for a full three seconds before giving it a shake. It wasn't the doctor's fault. It was his. “Thank you,” he murmured, realizing as he said the words they were the dumbest response he could have made.

“Do you have any questions?” Dr. Stephens asked.

He thought his head might come off. “Yeah,” he all but snarled. Then he tempered his voice to a normal tone and continued. “Why?”

Gary shook his head. “No one knows for sure. Twenty-five percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And with first babies . . .” He shook his head. “Sometimes the body isn't exactly sure what to do with it. Sometimes it's a matter of early developmental deformities. The body recognizes that the fetus is not developing correctly and stops supporting it.”

Jesus. Did he say fetus? Was that what they were down to these days? It was a baby, for God's sake. Did he think calling it by another name would lessen the pain?

You know why this happened.

Seth stood. As much as he wanted to believe all the reasons the doctor had outlined, he knew the truth.

“Seth, this isn't your fault,” Jake consoled.

Gary looked from one of them to the other. “Why would it be your fault?”

Jake had the decency to take a few steps back and allow Seth the privacy he needed.

“This morning we, uh, made love. We shouldn't have. I know that now.”

Was that what it was? Making love? He had taken her on the kitchen counter. The first time had been in the cab of his truck. Was he destined to continually fail where she was concerned?

“Stop blaming yourself, Seth,” Gary said. “In most cases, sexual intercourse during the first trimester is perfectly safe. These things happen. It's unfortunate and sad, but they happen. It's not your fault.”

“Can I see her?”

“She's pretty out of it right now. She was in a great deal of pain. So we gave her something to help her sleep. She lost a lot of blood. I want to keep her overnight just to be on the safe side.”

“I want to see her.”

Gary nodded. “Follow me.”

Seth walked behind the doctor all the way to Jessie's room. Everything seemed magnified, the lights were too bright, the sounds of their shoes against the tiles too loud, the walls too beige.

“Stay as long as you like,” Gary said. “But don't be surprised if she doesn't wake up, okay?”

Seth nodded and pushed into the dim room.

Her red curls contrasted starkly with the white of the pillows, and her freckles stood out against her pale skin. Dark circles underlined both eyes.

Tears stung the back of his throat and made conversation impossible. Like there was anything to be said.

She looked as though she was asleep. He crept into the room, careful not to disturb her. He checked the rise and
fall of her covers as if the doctors would lie about her being okay. He just needed to see for himself. She was breathing. Aside from being wan and going through a horrible ordeal, she was fine. Or at least she would be.

He sat in the seat next to her bed. He wanted to hold her hand, kiss her fingers, but he was afraid of waking her. Gary had said that she'd had a lot of medication and would probably sleep the entire time he was with her, but Seth needed to be at her side.

Ignoring his own vow not to disturb her, Seth took her hand into his. She didn't move as he pressed little kisses on each fingertip. “I'm so sorry, Jessie.” The tears that had threatened earlier made good on their promises and slid down his cheeks. “So very sorry.”

*   *   *

B
y three o'clock the next afternoon, Jessie was released from the hospital. She felt numb and hollow.

She still couldn't believe that the baby was gone. How could everything be fine and dandy one minute and then completely fall apart the next?

Seth helped her into his truck and shut the door. She leaned her head against the window. Now what happened?

She closed her eyes as Seth started the truck and backed out of the parking lot.

He didn't say a word to her all the way back to the ranch house. She was just beginning to think of it as home. But now . . .

Seth had married her because she was pregnant. Now she wasn't. Where did that leave them?

And what must he think of her? She was a failure. She couldn't even grow a baby. Wasn't that what being a woman was all about? Bringing in the next generation?

Suddenly she wished she could call back every conversation they'd had about gender. She only wanted a healthy
baby. Boy or girl, it didn't matter to her. And now she had none.

She could feel Seth's eyes land on her from time to time, but she kept her head against the window as she watched the world pass by. Out of Cattle Creek and onto the Diamond. She didn't move until he pulled to a stop in front of the old ranch house.

She got out before he could help her. She winced as her feet hit the ground. They told her the pain would be like an extremely bad period. Having not suffered from cramps like some other women, she wasn't prepared for the backbreaking pains that seared through her.

Seth led the way to the house and held open the door.

“Where's Sadie?” Jessie asked. The pooch was strangely absent.

“I took her over to the big house. I thought you might want a little more peace and quiet for a couple of days.”

She nodded. That was Seth, ever thoughtful, but Jessie would have preferred to have the pooch there. She could use a bit of that canine unconditional love.

“You want to talk about it?” Seth's question was softly spoken, nearly hesitant.

She shook her head. “I think I'll go lay down.”

He looked as if he might protest, but in the end he gave a quick nod and let her go. She walked down the narrow hallway, faltering when she got to the baby's room.

They should have never bought the furniture so early in her pregnancy. It was bad luck. Everyone said so. But she had wanted to spend time with her husband; she had wanted to please him. So they had picked out the crib and brought it home. Now it would remain empty forever.

She closed the door and continued to her room.

A tired sigh escaped her as she turned down the covers. She removed her boots and crawled into the bed, still wearing the clothes she had come home in. They weren't the
clothes she'd had on yesterday. She didn't ask what had become of her blood-soaked jeans. She didn't want to know.

She needed to cry, but she couldn't. She had been a fool. A crazy, self-centered fool.

She was married to one of the greatest guys in Page County. But for how long was anyone's guess.

He had only married her for the baby, but now that it was gone, it was only a matter of time before Seth would want his freedom. He'd had a pretty sweet deal before he married her. Eligible women bringing him cakes and casseroles. He could have had his pick, and he got stuck with her.

Last night he'd told her that he loved her. And fool that she was, she didn't stop to ask him to explain. She heard only what she wanted to hear. He admitted that he wasn't good with words. How else could this have fallen so easily from his lips? They had known each other practically their whole lives. He had been trying to make her feel better and said those sweet words, but he couldn't mean them. Especially not now, now that she couldn't do the most basic of womanly functions. Now that the baby that had forced them together was gone.

A shudder shook her, but no tears came. She raised her knees to her chest and wished she could cry herself to sleep.

*   *   *

J
essie?” Seth hated to wake her, but he was worried. She had barely gotten out of bed the day before. Now it was nearly lunchtime and she hadn't been up at all.

The doctor had said there would be mental and physical adjustments, and now Seth understood what he meant. Jessie was depressed, not at all the vivacious girl he had fallen in love with.

Maybe if he could get her up and interested in doing other things, that depression would pass and the healing could begin.

Gary had also told him that there was no reason for her not to be able to get pregnant again. “Give it a few months and then you can start trying again.”

Seth hadn't bothered to point out to him that he and Jessie hadn't been trying to have a baby in the first place. But now that the opportunity was gone, he realized just how much he had been looking forward to being a father and raising a child with Jessie at his side.

He lightly shook her shoulder. “Jessie,” he said again. “I made you some coffee.”

She stirred and finally sat up in the bed. The covers fell around her hips and he noticed she still had on the same clothes as the day before. Seeing her like this broke his heart. He would do anything to bring that light back into her eyes.

Give it time.

He handed her the cup and watched as she took a sip.

“What time is it?”

“Eleven thirty.”

“In the morning?”

He gave her a gentle smile. “Yes.”

She nodded, then took another sip of her coffee. “I guess I don't have to nurse this cup now, huh? I can have all the caffeine I want.”

He didn't know what to say to that. “How about I make you some breakfast?”

She shook her head. “Thanks anyway.”

“Will you come sit on the porch swing with me?”

For a split second he thought she would tell him no, but then she gave a quick nod. “Don't you have to go to work?”

“I took a couple of days off. Dusty can handle it.”

“What about Chester and Amos?”

“There are some things that are more important than a half-a-century-old family feud.”

His heart soared when she smiled. It was a sad smile, but
the first one he had seen from her in over two days and he was thankful.

“Come on,” he said. “Let's go enjoy the day.”

*   *   *

S
he couldn't say that she enjoyed the day. She felt listless and sad. She was numb. There was no baby. The baby that had brought her and Seth together was no more. Where did that leave them?

But she had to snap out of it.

“Are you sure you'll be okay today?”

“Yeah.” She tucked her hair behind her. “I thought I might go over to Meemaw's and start packing up.”

Joy chased concern across his face. “Are you up for that?”

She wasn't, but she knew that she needed to put some effort into moving forward. Or at least pretending that she was. Maybe if she pretended hard enough, it would come true. “It's time,” was all she said.

Thankfully Seth didn't question her about it.

If he was pretending alongside her, then surely they both couldn't be wrong.

She managed to drag herself into the shower and put on clean clothes. But before she went into the kitchen she had to sit down and rest. She could do this. She
had
to do this.

One foot in front of the other and soon it wouldn't seem so hard.

Her first stop was at the liquor store to pick up some boxes.

Shonda Preston was behind the counter. “Jessie McAllen,” she greeted her as she walked through the door. “Oh, wait, I guess you're a Langston now,” Shonda corrected herself. Her father owned the store and she had always felt that she had an edge over everyone in their class. Of course,
now that they were all over twenty-one, that edge was gone and Shonda was in search of another one.