Loving Lawson (10 page)

              She shook her head weakly. “Being alone.”

              “That’s not going to happen. You know that, right?”

              Her eyes glistened as she looked about the room to keep from making eye contact. “Anyone that’s ever promised me that has pushed me away somehow. My dad, mom… Ryker. I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but… I don’t have much confidence in anyone anymore.”

              Her words were killing me, and I stopped thinking about right or wrong. I pushed her further into the bed and slipped in beside her. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to my side. In my mind I rationalized that showing her I meant my words by being close to her would help to calm her fears. But in my heart I knew it was wrong. If she had any reluctance getting so close, she didn’t show it. She was completely relaxed wrapping an arm around my middle as I said, “I’m a man of my word. You’re not getting rid of me.”

              “I don’t want to,” she replied.

My heart – that little fist sized organ – exploded inside of me. I tightened my grip and stared up at the dark ceiling. Forever it took before my pulse slowly came down, yet every movement she made seemed to spike it again. My body wanted her. My heart ached for it too. But my brain… fuck, it was killing me with its logical bullshit. I listened to her breaths even out. I even looked down and watched her fall asleep in my arms like it was the most natural thing to ever happen.

This was happiness, I realized.
 

You’re the only one I trust.

             
Ryker’s words slayed me, and I started to think… maybe I wasn’t the best person to trust after all.

Allie

We sat in the waiting room, waiting for my first ultrasound. I grabbed a magazine and lazily flipped through the pages as pregnant women filled the room. There were a few men accompanying them, looking just as anxious and excited. I wondered what they saw when they looked at me. Would they think Heath was mine? I smiled at the absurdity of that.

We’d fallen into a comfortable routine, him and me. I started classes at college. I kept to myself, and I was surprised how easy that was. He drove me there every morning and I took a bus home after. I’d have something cooking by the time he got back from work. Afterwards, I studied in the living room and he usually sat next to me and watched television. There was surprisingly a lot of conversation to be had with Heath.

Since the night out at the bar, I’d never seen him so laid back and content. What he’d said about Trudy not mattering seemed to ring true, too. She was never brought up, and he never disappeared at nights either, making me think she was completely out of the picture.

I felt very grateful I had someone doing this with me right now. I would hate to have come here alone, facing my first ever pregnancy experience without a person I cared about to share it with, and I really started to value Heath more than anyone else. I’d had no one close before Ryker. I seemed to constantly drift through crowds, never finding a place in any of them. It didn’t upset me. My head was always about making this pregnancy work and keeping it a secret for as long as I could. It was a mission, especially when my bump was getting more and more visible every week.

I glanced at Heath. He was dressed in a plain white tee and jeans, his dark hair had grown a bit. For a short while, I’d leaned into him, taking in his scent, which was unique and musky. Anytime I was around him, I felt relaxed and in good hands. He made me feel protected, and like I could be myself.

Not having noticed my creepy close proximity, he was too busy watching the toddlers around a play area fighting over a couple of toy blocks. When one pushed the other down and stole them, he shook his head with a small smile on his face.

              “What?” I asked him, amused by his attentiveness to them.

              “I’ll be damned if I have a kid that doesn’t fight back,” he answered.

I laughed lightly, though the idea of him being a daddy made my chest tighten. He would be a great one.

“Well, any advice and I’ll be sure to pass it on to mine,” I told him, hiding my glum mood. There would be no daddy to teach my kid to fight back. It would be all on me, and that was a daunting thought.

He tore his eyes from the kids and looked at me, noticing how close I was to him. Brown eyes, gentle and calm, stared deeply into my own. I wished I knew what he was thinking then, because that smile slowly faded from his luscious lips. The second I felt heat in my cheeks, I turned away from his stare and back down at my magazine. While pretending to read, I was acutely aware of his every movement and it made my body tense being so near to him. How did it make any sense that I could be both comfortable and on edge around him?

“Allison Wallace.”

I nearly leaped to my feet when I heard my name. I set the magazine down on the shelf and went to the technician waiting by a hallway. Heath followed closely behind.

The young technician by the name of Ruby smiled warmly at me. “Hello, Miss Wallace, this way please.” She led us down the hallway and into the corner room and said, “Lay down and pull your shirt up over your bump.”

I lay on the bed prepared for me and lifted my shirt up. Heath took a seat beside me as Ruby set up the ultrasound machine.

“How are we doing this morning?” she asked, glancing between Heath and me. Her eyes lingered on him for a few moments, no doubt absorbed by his good looks.

“Good,” I muttered.

“And the father to be?”

My body tensed and I looked at Heath. When I spotted his back stiffen and his eyes widen, I immediately said, “No, no, he’s not the father.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” From the curve of her lips, sorry was the last thing she was.

Heath didn’t reply, but he looked stone faced now and wouldn’t meet my eye.

“Lean all the way back,” she told me as she slathered a jelly-like substance on the ultrasound probe. Once I did, she set it down over my stomach and an ice cold sensation shot through me.

“You’ve got a nice bump, little and pronounced,” she remarked as she moved the probe around. “Must be a genetic thing. Was your mother this small?”

I shrugged, not wanting to think of her. “I don’t know. She never talked about it.” She never talked about a lot of things, actually.

Black and white images sprang up on the monitor, and I stared at it for a while, not understanding what I was looking at. I concentrated hard until finally it settled and what I saw took my breath away.

“This is your wee one,” she said. “Nice and healthy by the looks of it.”

Peanut was in the shape of a baby. Big head, tiny body, and he was moving rapidly with his arms flailing.

Oh, my God.

I looked excitedly at Heath who was leaning forward, just as absorbed by the images as me.

“This is happening in my belly right now?” I asked in shock.

Ruby chuckled and gave me a nod. “Sure is.”

“I can’t feel any of it.”

“You possibly won’t for another six weeks. Twelve weeks is a little early to be feeling anything, especially with your first.”

I watched, dazed by the movements, as my baby began touching his face.

“Do you know the sex?” Heath asked.

“Not yet. Her next ultrasound at eighteen weeks may tell you that,” Ruby answered.

I’d already known that, but it was nice hearing Heath interested enough to ask. She began taking measurements and showing me different body parts, of my peanut’s hands, head and feet. It was beyond anything I could have imagined. My spirits soared, and I smiled so wide my cheeks ached. I was going to be a mother. Me, Allie Wallace. Wow.

“Baby is nice and healthy,” she said by the end. “I’ll have a DVD of the photos ready for you shortly.”

“Thank you,” I told her as she wiped off the gunk on my stomach.

I rolled my shirt down and moved off the bed. Heath stood up with me, still having not said a word to me since I’d corrected the technician, and we walked out. I didn’t let his indifferent demeanour bring down my mood. I was still reeling with excitement. I was going to have pictures of my baby!

*

The ride back to the apartment was quiet. I held my disc with both hands, already looking forward to reliving the experience when I got back and jumped on Heath’s laptop.

I looked over at him again, frowning at his off mood. God, what had I done?

“Are you alright?” I asked him when the silence got to be too much.

He nodded. “Yep.”

I sighed. He was lying. I set the disc down in my lap and turned to him fully. “Heath,” I started with a soft voice, “I want us to be open and honest with each other. Communication is extremely important. If something is bothering you, please let me know. That way we can avoid a misinterpretation, or any hurt feelings.”

He thought about my words for a moment. “Fuck, do you have to be so goddamn rational all the time?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re like the adult between us sometimes, which you shouldn’t be. Telling me this shit and making me realize how right you are –”

“I don’t mean to offend you –”

“You’re not. You’re reminding me what I’m doing wrong, and you’re completely right to.”

I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. “So what’s wrong?” I pressed.

He exhaled, turning the car into a parking lot of a shopping centre. The engine was still on after he parked it, and he took a few moments staring idly out the window to gather his thoughts.

“When she assumed I was the father,” he finally started quietly, “you were so quick to tell her I wasn’t. Are you ashamed of me or something? I mean, I know I’m not anything to be proud of, and I’m definitely not some hot shot accomplished guy –”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I hastily interrupted him. I felt a bubble of panic. That was the last thing I wanted him to think! “Oh, my God, Heath, no way would I be ashamed of you! That’s impossible. When she said that, you looked like you’d been hit by a car or something. I didn’t want to freak you out and push you away if people started to think you’re something you aren’t.”

The relief shone in his face as he nodded. “I never said I didn’t want to be a part of your kid’s life, Allie, and I would never get freaked out by what other people think. I’m doing all this so I can be an uncle and give your little person a chance. I don’t want you to be doing this on your own.”

“Well, I appreciate it.”

With a soft smile, he said, “I know you do. Everything about you is genuine. Always genuine.”

I returned the smile, feeling my heart hiccup in my chest. “Anything else upsetting you?”

“No, and if there is, I’ll be sure to bring it to you.”

“Okay.”

He then turned off the car and opened the door. He motioned me out.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

As he stepped out, he stretched and answered, “To get you some maternity clothes. You’re going to need it, right? I saw your bump, and it’s gotten a lot bigger in two weeks.”

I stepped out and walked with him to the entrance doors of the shopping centre. I felt around the jeans I was wearing, noting how tight they were.

              “Clothes are expensive,” I said. “We can go to a used shop –”

              “No,” he cut in, stopping to face me. “I’m going to get you a bunch of nice stuff. None of this baggy shit you’re wearing. I’m tired of seeing you in
Ryker’s
clothes. I want something on you from
me
.”

              “But it’s expensive –”

              “I’ve got another fight coming up and you can guarantee I’ll be winning. Stop stressing. I can pull some overtime at work too. We’re going to be fine.”             

              There was no arguing with Heath. Once he decided on something, it was next to impossible changing the course of it. So I simply nodded, because at the end of the day he was right. I was getting bigger, wasn’t fitting into any of my clothes, and I couldn’t keep living in Ryker’s clothes any longer.

              We spent the rest of the afternoon getting a new wardrobe for me. He didn’t lose his patience. Didn’t hurry me along. He waited patiently for me, stopping every few aisles to point something out. He had a radically different taste to me, pushing me to wear clothes that didn’t hide my bump. He wanted me to embrace it, which was hard because I didn’t want the attention drawn on me because I was young and pregnant at the same time. I’d seen enough judgmental stares in public on other girls in similar situations, and I knew it couldn’t have been nice.

              “Look at this,” he said, pulling out a grey, baggy dress from a rack. “It’s called a maternity wrap.”

              I stood next to him and went to look at the price tag. Having learned about this compulsive thing I did, he immediately hid it in his hand. “Nice,” I mumbled with a roll of my eyes, “I can always just look at the price on the other exact same dresses here, Heath.”

              “Don’t you even dare,” he threatened.

“Or what?”

“Or I swear to God I’m going to beat you.”

              “You’re going to beat a pregnant woman?”

              “There are other methods to being beaten.”

              “Yeah? Enlighten me.”

              He smiled wickedly. “Every girl hates being tickled. I’ll tickle you for a fucking hour.”

              I shrugged indifferently, hiding the terror that made me feel. “I like being tickled. That would be great.”

              Leaning into me, he whispered into my ear, “You didn’t follow my advice about lying in front of a mirror, huh, Allie?”

              I reddened and pressed my lips down to keep from smiling. Avoiding the heat leaning into my side, I grabbed the sleeve of the dress and looked it over. “I don’t like the V-neck,” I told him.

              “Why not? It’d look hot on you.”

              “No.”

              “Why?”

              “Because.”

              “Because
what
?”

              “Because if you haven’t noticed,” I said, pointing to my chest, “I’m not very blessed in some places.”

              “I think you’re blessed just fine,” he replied, openly eyeing my chest in amusement. “Twelve weeks pregnant and you’ve got some ample bosoms coming in – OUCH!”

              I smacked him hard on the shoulder, betraying the seriousness in me by laughing. To my horror, he threw the dress in our basket and winked at me. “You’re going to look like a goddess in that.”

              Shit, I was blushing hard. I chose not to respond, knowing my voice would probably come out sounding like a four year old on a sugar high. Shopping with Heath was a definite no-no, no matter how fun it was.