Lust - 1 (5 page)

“Adam, I told you. Not yet.” Beth reached out a hand toward him, but he pul ed away, rol ing over on his side. It was stil strange for her to see him there, in the bed she’d slept in since she was a child. It was stil a child’s room, real y—ruffled bedspread, white wooden furniture with light blue trim, so much pink that it was embarrassing. If she’d had her way, the room would be sophisticated and sparse, with only a dark mahogany desk, some Ansel Adams prints on the wal , and a crowded bookshelf in the corner. But these days her parents had neither the money nor the patience for interior decorating, so her seventeen-year-old self was forever trapped in the pink pleated land of her eight-year-old self’s dreams. There was even a stuffed animal, the only thing in the room she didn’t hate—though at the moment, poor Snuffy the Turtle was crushed beneath Adam’s half-naked body.
One of these things is not
like the other
, she thought crazily, the Sesame Street lyric wandering through her mind as she sought frantical y for something to say that would make Adam understand. Was this real y her life? “I’m just not ready.”

“I know, and I’m not trying to rush you,” he said with his back to her, a petulant tone creeping into his voice. “I’m
not
—it’s just that …” Beth sat up and pul ed on her pale pink bra, struggling to fasten the clasp behind her. It was past five and her mother would be home soon. Now was not the time for this conversation—couldn’t he see that?

“Look, Adam, you know it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s not that I don’t want to …” God, how she wanted to!

“What, then?” He rol ed back to face her, clasping her hands and pul ing her close. “What’s stopping us? I know you wanted to wait … but … what are we waiting for?” If only she knew the answer. If only she could put into words the heart-stopping terror she felt when she let her fantasies get away from her and imagined throwing herself at him, losing herself to the moment, and—but her imagination took her only so far. That’s when the terror set in. And however handsome he looked lying there, one arm stretched out over his head and a lock of hair fal ing over his deep, dark eyes, however much she may have wanted him—al of him—she just couldn’t do it. Not yet. Not like this.

It hadn’t always been like this, the pressure, the silent give-and-take, worrying about what she wanted and what he wanted and what happened next. No, in the beginning, it had been simple. She had hated him.

Total y hated him, and everything he stood for—which as far as she was concerned, was sports, sex, and beer. She’d hated the way the whole school thought he walked on water, just because he could swim quickly across a pool every fal , could drop a bal into a hoop every winter, just because he was tal , and chiseled, and had a smile that warmed you like the sun. She’d hated his stupid jock clothes, his stupid jock jokes—most of al , his stupid jock friends, and the girls who hung al over them. The guys were al so arrogant, acting like they governed the school, like Beth and her friends were expected to bow and curtsy every time they swept down the hal —and the girls were even worse, simpering and giggling, desperately trying to keep their jock’s attention, or at least to win favor with Harper and her gang, the female counterpart to al this athletic royalty.

When she’d been stuck with Adam as a lab partner last year in bio, al her friends had been jealous—but Beth had just sighed in exhaustion, already figuring that she’d have to do al the work. And she’d been right—put a scalpel in his hands and a pickled frog on a slab in front of him, and Adam was as incompetent and helpless as she would be if plopped down in the middle of a basketbal court, facing down the WNBA al -star team. She’d been right about that—but not much else.

He wasn’t arrogant, he wasn’t stupid, he wasn’t an asshole or a dumb jock. By October he was just … Adam. Sweet, funny, adorable—and, for whatever reason, he would stop at nothing until she went out with him. And, for whatever reason—wel , basical y for the reason that it seemed he’d flirted with or dated half the school, and she didn’t particularly want to be his next randomly selected conquest—she refused. And refused again. How many times had she said no?

Too many—but it hadn’t stopped him. He’d started slipping notes in her locker, leaving flowers for her at her seat in lab—he wouldn’t give up. And then came the day he’d waited for her at her locker after school, greeting her with a giddy smile and a goofy wave. Before she knew it, he was down on one knee.

“Marry me?” he’d asked, pul ing a giant plastic ring out of his pocket. It was a bright blue flower, about the size of her palm. It was ludicrous—and irresistible.

“Get up!” she’d urged him through her giggles, blushing furiously as a crowd began to gather.

“Not until you give me a chance,” he had sworn, seemingly oblivious to the curiosity-seekers. Or maybe he was just used to being the center of attention.

“I’m not marrying you, idiot,” she’d laughed, tugging at his arm. “Come on, get up!”

But he had stayed in position. “Okay then, we’l start slow. One date—one chance. Then I’l never bother you again.” How could she say no?

He’d been her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her first love, her first—everything. He’d been so patient, so tender, so gentle, and everything had been wonderful. Perfect. Until now

—when she wanted him more than ever, and it only made things worse. And suddenly everything that had been easy between them, al the effortless conversation, the casual kisses, the laughter—it was al weighed down by the silence of what they never said, what they couldn’t talk about. Everything on the surface was stil so right—but beneath that, Beth feared, there was something brittle, something fragile. Something wrong.

She leaned over and kissed him gently on the forehead and once on the lips, then hopped out of bed to gather up the clothes they’d strewn haphazardly across her bedroom.

“Up ‘n’ Adam,” she chirped, hoping her voice wasn’t shaking. She tossed a bal ed-up T-shirt toward him. “You know my mother wil be home any minute, and if she finds us up here …”

Silently, Adam got out of bed and pul ed on his clothes. The quiet minutes dragged on for an eternity, until Beth was afraid he would leave without saying another word. But before he did, he came up and put his arms around her, pul ing her into a tight embrace. Beth buried her head in his chest, reveling in the soft, familiar scent of his cologne and trying her best to fight back the tears.

“You know I love you,” he whispered. He released her, then tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his eyes. “You know I love you,” he said again, his lips only a breath away.

“And you know I’l wait.”

Beth nodded. She knew he loved her, and she knew he would wait—but for how long?

Kane surveyed the tacky surroundings in disgust. Magazine clippings from the fifties papered the wal s, fake plastic records dangled from the ceiling, and a giant neon jukebox blasted out oldies while bored waitresses plodded back and forth between the crowded booths and the crowded kitchen, snapping their gum and pretending they didn’t desperately wish they were somewhere, anywhere, else.

“Remind me again why we keep coming back here?” he asked.

Harper hit an imaginary
Jeopardy!
buzzer.

“What is ‘the only diner in town’?” she reminded him. She took another spoonful of her ice-cream sundae and moaned with pleasure. “Besides, who could deny the appeal of a restaurant with a motto like that?” She tapped a perfectly manicured finger on top of the fluorescent menu: LIFE IS SHORT—EAT DESSERT FIRST.

“Good point,” Kane admitted, scooping off a good chunk of her ice cream, complete with cherry—he’d finished his own sundae within minutes of its arrival.

“Hands off!” Harper laughed, smacking his spoon away. “Sure you don’t want some, Miranda?” she asked, pushing the giant bowl across the table toward her friend. Miranda squirmed back, waving it away.

“Some of us actual y want to have room for dinner,” she pointed out.

“Oh, come on, Miranda, live a little,” Kane encouraged her, grabbing a spoon and digging in once again. “Be a rebel—I know you’ve got some bad girl blood in there somewhere.”

Miranda hesitantly took a smal bite of the ice cream, flushing as his deep chocolate eyes paused on her and a slow, satisfied smile lit up his face.

“Atta girl. I knew you had it in you.”

Is he
flirting
with me?
she wondered.

If only.

Miranda had known Kane for almost as long as she’d known Harper (and, basical y, everyone else in this town)—a few minutes short of forever. She doubted that he remembered the time they’d spent a third grade recess playing dominoes together, or the knight in shining armor moment when he’d tossed her a towel after an embarrassing

“wardrobe malfunction” at Shayna Hernandez’s eighth grade pool party. In fact, she doubted that he would even remember her name—or at least admit to doing so—if she wasn’t usual y joined at the hip with Harper, one of the only people that Kane didn’t find to be a yawn a minute. But whatever the reason that put him across the table from her so often, she was grateful.

And sometimes wondered whether this wasn’t perhaps the year that he’d get sick of the bimbos and final y notice her. A girl could dream, couldn’t she?

Besides, thanks to Harper’s intervention and some—okay, a lot of—careful dieting, she now had much better hair, clothes, and body than she’d had in eighth grade. Maybe the next time her bikini top popped off, Kane wouldn’t be so quick with the towel ….

“Earth to Miranda,” his voice punctured her reverie. “Dreaming about my hot bod again? You girls just can’t help yourselves, can you?” Miranda snorted, hoping her face wasn’t too red. “As if.”

Did she sound believably casual—but not so disgusted that he would think it inconceivable that she’d been thinking about his tightly toned forearms?

Miranda knew there was a middle ground somewhere between obsessed stalker and mortal enemy, but she’d never had much luck finding it. (This likely explained why al her careful y constructed flirty banter, designed to make junior high crush Rob Schwartz realize she was interested, but not
too
interested, had instead left the JV quarterback with the unshakeable conviction that she hated him.)

She’d gotten a little better since then—but not much.

Beth and Adam were late.

They came into the diner arm in arm, whispering to each other. Harper waved to get their attention, then quickly looked away. It was too sickening to watch.

“Where’ve you guys been?” Kane asked with a leer when they arrived at the table. “As if I have to ask.”

Beth tucked her hair behind her ears, blushing, and Adam began to stammer out something about lost keys and car trouble and—

“Oh, just sit down,” Harper interrupted. “We waited for you to order dinner, and we’re starving, so let’s just get to it.”

“Spoken with your usual grace and accuracy,” Kane said. “I second the motion.”

Beth and Adam squeezed into the booth next to Miranda, smushing her up against the window, since the bench was meant for only two people. But Harper chose not to say anything about it—the way things were going, Beth would probably just smile politely and offer to spend the rest of the night perched on Adam’s lap, to save room. She was just
so
accommodating. And, Harper had to admit, beautiful. She’d changed out of her first-day-of-school outfit (standard Beth: classic-cut jeans, black T-shirt, gold hoop earrings, bland and forgettable) into a backless turquoise sundress that matched her eyes and perfectly set off her sun-drenched hair. And Harper wasn’t the only one to appreciate it. As Beth leaned forward to order her food, Adam reached over and began slowly rubbing her bare back; Harper couldn’t pul her eyes away from his hand, lightly playing its way up and down Beth’s skin.

She could almost feel its warm pressure on her own.

Harper shook her head violently to knock the fantasy away, and then waved them al to be quiet. There was a reason she’d invited them out tonight—aside from the understandable need for large amounts of grease and sugar after the long first day of school. And, since she was losing her appetite by the minute watching the lovebirds fawn, it was probably time to get started.

“Okay, now that you’re
all
here”—she tried not to glare at Beth—“here’s the deal. We’ve got two weeks until the annual lame back-to-school formal, right?” Kane groaned. “Don’t remind me. What a joke.”

Harper ignored him and continued. “And two weeks until the annual top secret after party, organized by a select group of seniors.”

“Kerry Stanton and those girls did it last year, right?” Beth asked. “Wonder who they tapped for this year.” Harper gave her a withering stare. Was the girl an idiot?

“Kerry e-mailed me this afternoon,” Harper explained with a self-satisfied grin. “Looks like I’m up.”

“You?” Miranda asked, grinning. “Awesome.”

“Actual y—us.”

Adam held up his hands in protest. “Hold up, Harper—look, we’re al impressed that you’re now official y the coolest of the cool and al , but if you think you’re roping me into some kind of
dance
committee …”