Lust (12 page)

I went to my weekly basketball game and for the first time, I lost. Well, my team lost, but it was more or less my fault. My head wasn’t in the game. Instead, it was stuck somewhere in the clouds replaying Doctor Klaussen’s words and agonizing over how long it would take Ivy to call me. I felt as if every minute that passed by took forever. How long would she make me wait? And would I be able to sort things out without seeing her? Part of me felt as if I needed to see her, at least one more time before I could try to make sense of anything.

As I drove home from the basketball court, feeling the blast of cold air on my skin, I realized I needed to do something, anything to rid myself of these confusing and damaging thoughts that had overtaken me. My mind constantly went back and forth like a Ping-Pong ball. One minute I was concerned about Ivy and the next I was giving myself a pep talk, telling myself that I didn’t need her. I tried convincing myself that I was only concerned about her because she was my client and nothing more. But then why was I contemplating a career change? How much of that was because of Ivy and how much of it was because of me? Was I simply getting burned out with what I was doing? That had to be it. Maybe I was just getting tired of what I was doing and needed a change. It had nothing to do with Ivy. 

In my desperation to find some peace, I called Alyssa and invited her over. I had to promise to talk to her in order to get her to agree, but at that point, I didn’t care. I needed to prove to myself that I was not hung up on Ivy Jaymes. I needed to prove to myself that the obsession I had with her had nothing to do with feelings and everything to do with the fascination to fix her. She was like a puzzle to me, and in order to figure her out, I needed to have a clear head. Yeah… sex would solve my problem.

Fucking Alyssa proved not to be the solution. I managed to stay in it without letting my thoughts veer off course too much to the path where a certain blonde with extreme intimacy issues existed, but that didn’t mean that I hadn’t conjured her up in my mind every time I closed my eyes while sinking balls deep into Alyssa. But she didn’t need to know that. And as promised, I talked to her when we were done.

I had been strong the entire time, not letting it show how much Ivy had affected me. But sitting on my patio with a stiff drink and answering Alyssa’s rather invasive questions, I gave into the weakness and opened up, telling her where my mind was at… well, mostly. I was so desperate for answers that I opened up and talked to someone other than Doctor Klaussen. That was yet another first for me.

“I just feel like I need a change, you know? I mean, I do find it important to help people overcome sexual issues, but what if I can do more to help people? Why can’t I do both? Why can’t I help people overcome the issues of their past that’s keeping them from being sexual? Most of the time, their problems are because of things that have happened to them, whether it be they were teased in school or an uncle was a little too handsy with them. I can help them overcome those, deal with it, and then move past it. And by doing that, they could experience a healthy sex life. Why do I have to pick one or the other?”

“Because, Cade, if you go into what you’ve often referred to as
bland therapy
, you won’t be able to sleep with your clients. You’ve said a thousand times that you can’t treat them without touching them. How could you do both if you can’t touch them?” she asked, throwing my words back in my face like a bucket of cold water.

I thought about it quietly, watching the moon reflect off the still water of my pool. My frustration grew the more thought I put into it. She was right, but I had been right, too. I could do both; it would just take some sacrifice. I knew all about sacrifice, had been doing it for most of my life, but was this something I wanted to choose either or? Would I be happy with only two halves instead of one whole? And why did I really want to do this? That was the bigger question.

“Where is this even coming from, Cade? Is it that girl?”

My head snapped in her direction, catching her eyes with mine. “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I would think you would want to keep the touching aspect of the job for her. From the little I’ve been able to understand about it, and from what you said to me last week about her, I would think you’d want to have the option to sleep with her. I don’t understand why you would want to give that up.”

She was right… Did I want to give up my chances of having sex with Ivy? No, I didn’t. But I also wanted to help her. That’s where my inner struggle was. I knew I needed to protect myself when it came to Ivy, and I started to think that maybe removing the possibility of sex would help make things easier. Maybe it would allow me to help her in the ways she needed without it being clouded by my compulsion to be with her. If I did that then she would get the help she sought and I would be able to walk away without completely losing myself.

“I don’t do what I do to sleep with women. That’s not why I got into this in the first place. I want to help them overcome their own weaknesses,” I argued, no longer even remembering what we were talking about in the first place. All I could think about was how I would be able to keep Ivy in my life without destroying us both in the process.

“That didn’t answer my question.”

Since when did Alyssa become my shrink? I let out a breath of air and started again, this time with a little more honesty. “I do want to have sex with her—no, I want to fuck her. And that’s the problem I’m facing. I can’t fuck her. And I can’t simply do what I’ve always done, either. I know that when we reach that part, the end of the road where I must decide to show her intimacy or send her off as cured, it won’t even be a question. There is this need inside of me to be with her physically. But I can’t put her on my table and walk her through it. It will end badly, for both of us.”

“Then it sounds like a pretty easy solution to me.”

I looked at her again with a raised eyebrow, asking her silently to continue.

“You can’t work with her, Cade. If you can’t put aside your own feelings or cravings in order to give her what she needs, then you can’t help her. I’m sure she needs you, but there is no way this would end well for either of you.”

“But I can’t. I haven’t talked to her in four days and I think I’m going to go crazy. I’ve become obsessed with helping her.” Obsessed… that’s the right word. That’s what I was when it came to anything Ivy. Except, my obsession didn’t end with just helping her; that wasn’t all I wanted to do to her. I wanted to hold her close and never let her go. One minute I wanted to protect her and then the next minute I wanted to shove her away.

“I can’t believe the big, bad Caden Morgan is contemplating a career change because of a woman. That you would give up the one thing you pride yourself on for someone that is insufficient in the bedroom. Are you thinking about doing this so that you can help her on a different level where you won’t be tempted to fuck her, or is it because you want to have a relationship with her?”

“Don’t be stupid, Alyssa. I don’t have relationships. You’re the closest I’ve ever come to one and right now,
this
is too much.”

“Then what is it? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been lying to yourself about it. There is nothing saying you can’t treat her in the traditional therapy sense while carrying on with your practice the way you’ve always done. Why can’t you tweak the way you’ve been handling her? Huh? From now on, she can sit on your couch and tell you all about her daddy issues while you snap your fingers and cure her.”

I can’t say I had ever been angry with Alyssa before, but her comments sent my blood boiling. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Don’t talk about her like that. Ever. I thought it might be nice to open up to you, but it’s clear that was the wrong thing to do. Get the fuck out of my house.” My voice was low but deep, deeper than usual, and my words narrowly escaped through my clenched teeth.

She smiled, causing my anger to rise even higher. “I knew that would get you. Deny it all you want, but you want more from this girl than to simply treat her of her sexual hang-ups. You can’t imagine seeing her without sex. You can’t have sex with her without the need to fuck her. And you clearly can’t walk away from her. You want her in your life… Open your eyes and admit it.”

I couldn’t say anything else to her; instead, I walked inside and waited for her to leave. My head was swimming with thoughts so foreign to me they might as well have been in Chinese. I wasn’t a stupid man, so denying what now two separate people have told me was almost impossible, but I still couldn’t afford to admit it to myself. Not only was I incapable of being in a relationship and having feelings, I was also well aware of the outcome of such things. I knew how destructive they were.

After thinking about it all night, I had finally come to a conclusion. There was only one thing I could do that would solve all of my problems. I would step up Ivy’s progress by pushing her even further. I had told her she could set the pace, and I would follow that to a certain extent. I would allow her to make the call as to when we would see each other, but when I did get to see her, it would be intense. One of two things would happen… I would scare her off, solving my problem of seeing her again, or my invasiveness would work and she could move on while enjoying a healthy sex life. She’s the one that told me she wanted to fuck… and if fucking her was what I had to do, then I had no choice. I had to end this before it ended me. And I knew the longer I had her around, the worse I’d get burned.

I was down to my two options: her or me.

And just as I had learned when I was eight… I was on my own.

*****

There was no word from Ivy on Wednesday, which both irritated and concerned me, but I gave her my word and I would stick to it. The problem was, my lack of attention to the other clients I was treating. As I sat at my desk, scheduling an appointment for the following week, I made a deal with myself. I had one week to get over this shit with Ivy. I gave myself one week to figure things out before I started referring my clients to other people or offering them a different approach.

Her call finally came in on Thursday. I was at my desk late, desperately trying to find something to take my mind off my current situation. I knew she probably called the office that late at night expecting me to have been gone already. And I normally didn’t answer the office phone after hours, allowing the caller to leave a message instead. But that night, my mind had been so focused on Ivy that I had convinced myself every call that came through was her. That time, I had been right.

I could tell by the way she stuttered my name that she hadn’t expected me to answer. It set my lips into a wide grin that caused my cheeks to ache. This woman would be the death of me; she would forever be known as the cause for the Fall of Cade.

“I thought I should probably schedule an appointment since I haven’t seen you in a week,” she said into the phone with a whisper that flowed through me and instantly set my balls on fire.

Had it only been a week? Why did it feel more like a year?

“What about tomorrow?” I asked, not even bothering to check my calendar. If I had to cancel appointments to fit her in then that’s what I would do. I didn’t care what that meant to my other clients, nor did I allow myself to put any thought into it. The only thing I knew for certain was that I needed to see her. I rationalized it by telling myself I needed to see her so that I could rush her progress along and put her behind me, but deep down I knew that wasn’t true. Yes, I wanted to rush her progress along, but it was so that I could put myself behind her… and in her. And then I would put her behind me.

“Oh… I was kind of thinking more like Monday or Tuesday.”

“Do you have plans tomorrow?” I asked, knowing she didn’t.

“Umm… kind of. It’s just really short notice.”

“I’ll pick you up at nine thirty tomorrow night. That will give you time to take care of your plans and it’s twenty-five hours from now. That’s plenty of notice.”

“Nine thirty? What are we going to do that late at night?”

So many things, I thought to myself. “You’ve been doing so good with me that I thought we would try getting out. I’m going to take you to Blu.” I stopped and waited for her to say something, but all I got was silence from the other end of the line. “It’s a dance club.”

“I know what it is. But I don’t think I’m ready…”

“You are, Ivy. You need to be around large groups of people to see that you’re fine. It’s usually crowded and loud on Friday nights so it should be easy for you. You won’t have to worry about a lot of people talking to you or having to interact much. You’ll be fine.”

“Fine,” she said, though her voice sounded defiant instead of compliant. “But I won’t know how to act and will probably embarrass you. I can’t dance so I have no idea what I will do there, but sure, let’s go.” Her sarcasm made me laugh to myself.

An idea popped into my head. “Give me a book. Think about a book with a character you would like to be for the night. Let’s do that. You tell me which one and I’ll read it tonight. Tomorrow, you can be one of them and I’ll be the other. Like role playing; I know how much you like to pretend to live the lives of fictional characters.”

“Really? You would do that?”

I wanted to tell her I would do anything for her, but stopped myself before the words touched my tongue. “Of course. If it will help you feel more confident and could help in your progress, then absolutely.”