In this quiet, semi-private setting, with Devlyn asleep, Lauren felt comfortable indulging herself. She studied Dev's relaxed face carefully, her eyes lovingly tracing every line and contour.
God, you are so beautiful.
Her gaze dropped to full, red lips and she felt herself drawn closer. A shock of pale hair tumbled forward and Lauren tucked it behind her ear as she leaned in and allowed the light scent of Devlyn's shampoo and skin to wash over her sense.
I need to kiss her.
The familiar thought came unbidden. Only this time a sense of urgency was attached.
If I don't kiss her, I'm going to die.
An unexpected patch of turbulence caused the plane to lurch slightly and Dev's face twitched, her eyes fluttering open. She blinked, mildly alarmed until the face so close to hers came into focus.
Lauren immediately pulled away, her heart hammering in her chest.
Oh yeah. I was going to do it. I was going to kiss her!
"Hi." Dev's voice was rough with sleep. She leaned forward a little, rubbing her eyes with one hand and bracing herself with her good arm. "What are you doing in here?"
Lauren immediately stumbled to her feet. "I'm sorry," she said in a rush. "I knocked and there was no answer and-"
"Lauren," Dev stopped the younger woman's rush of words. Before Lauren could escape, Dev reached up and grabbed the writer's hand, holding it tightly. She sat up all the way, her eyes searching around for her book. "I'm glad you're here."
Lauren reached down and fished it off the floor, wordlessly handing it to Dev.
Dev shrugged. "I was just reading."
Lauren chuckled at the deep creases the back of the sofa had made on one of Dev's cheeks. She decided not to mention the nightmare since Dev didn't seem affected by it. "I can see that." Lauren waggled her finger at Dev's sleep-marked face. "I hope that isn't a reflection of the story."
"Oh, no!" Dev corrected her quickly, flushing slightly. "The first one is still one of my favorites." With a slight groan, she threw her feet over the edge of the sofa, making room for Lauren. She patted the cushion next to her in invitation.
Butterflies began to flutter wildly in the younger woman's belly.
Apologize now, you coward, before another minute goes by. And then just kiss her.
"So," Dev prompted, purposely not letting go of Lauren's hand. Her body tensed in reaction to Lauren, who did not look happy.
"Yeah." Lauren exhaled slowly. "So."
Dev lifted her jaw. "What have I done to upset you, Lauren? Please tell me. Things haven't been the same between us since that day in the hospital."
And it's killing me.
Lauren's shoulders slumped and she restlessly picked at the couch's navy-colored fabric. "You didn't do anything. I just... I just...."
"Are mad at me?" Dev ventured, bracing herself for Lauren's anger.
"No!" Lauren's brow furrowed and she shook her head. "It's me, not you."
Dev's lips formed a thin line. "Me, not you," she muttered.
That's sounds like the kiss off. She's can't break up with me! We're not even together... like that.
"What does that mean... exactly?"
Lauren licked her lips, letting out a slow breath. "It means you didn't do anything wrong. I need ... um... I need to apologize for running out on you in the hospital." Lauren felt a pang deep in her chest when she thought about what she'd done. "You needed a friend and I just ran away," she admitted softly. "I'm so, so sorry."
"Hey." Dev scooted closer to her companion, though there was already almost no space between them. She forced herself not to flinch as she lifted her arm and wrapped it around Lauren's shoulder. It had only been out of her sling for a few days and she still had several weeks of physical therapy to go before it would be back to close to normal. "You didn't have to apologize. I've been worried about you."
Lauren voice was full of self-loathing, and she pulled away from the comforting embrace. "But I just left you after you sat through that horrible video!"
"That doesn't matter." Dev pulled her back.
"It does matter, Devlyn!"
"No, it doesn't. And if I'd known that's what was bothering you, I would have made that clear weeks ago."
Lauren's watery gaze lifted to meet Dev's, and she found only genuine curiosity and concern shining in those pale blue eyes. There wasn't an ounce of anger. Or worse yet, the pity she feared she'd find. "I see you everyday and I still miss you."
At the sweet words, Dev found herself gulping back tears. "I miss you too."
"That day I was embarrassed and ashamed." Lauren paused and then added, "And tired and angry."
"Angry?"
Lauren nodded. "When you told me that you knew about Mama, it suddenly felt like you were spying on me. It was like all my family's dirty laundry was being paraded in front of you whether I wanted it to be or not."
Dev winced at the truth of the words. She'd known Lauren was having trouble adjusting to life in a fish bowl. And her actions, though started with only the sincerest of intentions, hadn't helped much. "I... I... didn't mean for you to feel that way. I was worried about you. I only had David check into things so I could help." Dev's gaze dropped to her lap. "I didn't mean to pry. I just wanted to be able to help if you needed me, but..."
I couldn't go with you when I wanted to.
I couldn't be there when you really needed a friend.
"I know."
God, how can I explain this?
"But it's so hard. Mama... my mother... I mean..." She let out a frustrated breath. "If I'd been thinking straight I would have assumed that you'd find out what happened." Lauren winced, seeing flashes of her younger self and slashed wrists and a pool of dark crimson blood spreading across the floor in her mind's eye. "It's so personal and ugly what she tried to do."
"It's hard." Dev swallowed back the pain of her next admission. She'd never lied to Lauren and she wasn't about to start now. But this went beyond that. Her political mind wanted to say ‘off the record' but she believed deep down that Lauren wouldn't betray her trust and that that kind of lack of faith on her part would seal a future for herself
without
Lauren.
Dev's face was deadly serious but her voice was still even and soft. "Some people just can't fight the urge. They want to escape. Lauren, I'm going to tell you something I've never told another living soul." She could feel the weight of Lauren's expectant stare, and slender fingers threaded themselves tightly between her own. Devlyn looked the smaller woman square in the eye. "When Sam was killed, I thought about it." Dark brows creased in thought. "I didn't know how to deal with the loss. I wouldn't, I couldn't find a place for the anger and pain and it started to overwhelm me. I couldn't breathe without it hurting. Every heartbeat was painful." The tears welling in Lauren's eyes nearly made her stop. But she didn't. "Somehow, after a long while, I found a way back. Through my children. But some people just can't fight."
Lauren squeezed her eyes shut. She had trouble picturing the strong woman beside her giving up on anything. But then she remembered the video image of Dev testifying at Theodore Harris' sentencing hearing. Only one word came to mind. Broken. She was broken. But somehow, someone had fixed her. Or she'd fixed herself. "But I can't help mama," Lauren whispered in anguish. "I've tried! My whole life I've tried and nothing works. I'm not enough."
Nothing is ever enough.
Oh, Lauren. Don't do that to yourself.
"Sweetheart, you've helped her even if you don't know it. By growing up into such an intelligent, generous woman. By being there for her when she needed you, and by trying your best. Sometimes people just can't help what they do or how they feel. If you want, we'll hire new doctors to see her. They can try to help her. Maybe there is a new technique or medicine or-"
"She's got the best doctors I could find. My royalty checks are enough to see to that."
Sweetheart?
She let the word soak deep down inside her, balming spots made raw by worry and fear.
She hasn't said something like that to me since she was in the hospital.
"I appreciate your offer. But I don't think there's anything you can help us with." She squeezed Dev's hand. "Other than continuing to be my best friend."
Lauren sniffed, then smiled when she heard Dev doing the same thing. They were quite a pair. "After I ran out of the hospital, I felt like I wasn't enough to help you either. All you were doing was being kind to me. But all I could think about was running away." Lauren reached up and wiped away a shimmering tear that was hanging suspended in the corner of Dev's eye, waiting to fall. "I'm so sorry about that," she whispered. "And especially sorry about being too embarrassed to apologize sooner."
Say the rest!
"Things between us have been awkward and I don't like it. I um..." A pause. "I want to hold your hand... a lot... and I can't do it if we won't sit by each other." She held her breath and waited, praying that Dev felt the same way.
A brilliant smile edged its way onto Dev's lips and she instantly saw its echo on Lauren's. "So," the President shrugged a little, hoping to lighten the mood and barely able to keep herself from jumping up and down like a little kid. "Sit next to me. I don't bite." She expression turned playfully. "I'll even give you a hug if you need one. And my hands are
always
free to be held."
Lauren nodded shyly. She lifted their linked hands. "We're half way there. But how about that hug?"
"Okay." Dev used the arm lying loosely across Lauren's shoulder to pull her closer. "This is not a bug," she teased. "This is me hugging you. I don't want any confusion." She eased her arm around Lauren's shoulders and pulled her close. When Lauren was pressed tightly against her, both women let out long, shuddering breaths. Dev rested her cheek atop strands of fair, wavy hair. "I know we're not done talking about the privacy issue. But maybe we can take things a little bit at a time, you know?"
Lauren murmured her agreement against Dev's collarbone. "I won't let things get so out of hand again. I promise." She sank into the embrace, not thinking about what it meant or where they were going. Just accepting the affection and comfort Devlyn was offering. And doing her best to return it in kind.
"But you know what else?"
"Mmm?"
"Nash still needs a girlfriend."
Lauren began to shake with silent laughter.
Then Devlyn felt the softest of touches graze the hollow of her throat. She went completely still and her eyes fluttered closed.
Oh God, she's kissing me!
Lauren pressed her lips against the soft skin again, marveling at the tiny tingles that chased their way up and down her spine, and the flood of warmth that flowed through her veins like a strong wine, heating her from within. The featherlight kisses were painfully intimate and it felt so good to finally be showing Dev how she felt, how deeply she cared for her, that Lauren had no intention of stopping yet. She leaned forward and barely brushed Dev's throat with her mouth, feeling the dark-haired woman's pulse pound wildly in response.
The plane lurched again, sending Lauren a little sideways and interrupting the perfect moment. Dev drew in a breath to speak and the writer pulled back a little, tilting her head up and regarding Dev seriously. "No." Her voice was gentle but insistent.
Lauren brought up both hands and gently cupped Dev's cheeks, enjoying the warm, smooth skin against her palms. She stared deeply into panicky eyes tinged with desire and affection. "Nothing is going to interrupt us again. Okay?" A tiny bit of insecurity popped through but was quickly quashed by Dev' response.
The taller woman let out a shaky breath and nodded once, tilting her head and pressing her a cheek more firmly against Lauren's steady but delicate touch. She fell willingly into warm gray eyes that were so full of honest friendship and devotion that Dev's chest constricted at the sight. "Okay," she croaked softly, honestly surprised she could speak considering her heart felt like it was going to burst the confines of her chest at any moment. She already felt lightheaded and they hadn't even really kissed yet.
Please don't let me pass out now.