Authors: Chanel Austen
Perhaps, most of all, I was just sick of running from my problems whenever they seemed dangerous.
I didn't have to say anything to Carmen. The girl could see it in my eyes, read it in my body language. I had planted myself here, whatever grew from that for better or worse, I would see it through to the end.
There may have been a glimmer of tears in her eyes before she squeezed them shut and shook her head, turning to walk away from me. As she left, I heard only anger etched deeply in her voice… no sadness, no regret.
"Fine. Be stupid, have it your way… see if I care."
I stared after her for several long seconds before turning towards the stairs, gripping the railing tighter than necessary as I descended to join Swann downstairs.
111
I found myself permanently sunken into the old, yet comfortable beanbag chair at the apartment several hours later, staring into space as Jimmy on the sofa did the same.
He didn't ask what Carmen wanted and I didn't tell him. It felt too private to share, and would only open up more questions if I got into the details. I would have to tell him about all the other omitted run-ins I had with APA, something that would only serve to anger him. Despite whatever he and Nishi were keeping from me, Jimmy hated when someone lied to him, especially when it was me since we agreed on a 'partnership' or whatever. It was decidedly hypocritical, but I would never call him out on it.
I really hated arguing with people. That might seem ironic, considering how many altercations, both verbal and physical I seemed to find myself in. In my experience, life tended to throw stuff at us that we least wanted to deal with at the most inappropriate times. To make it even simpler, life tended to be a bitch.
Being only seven in the evening, no one else was home. Raj and David had stopped by a while ago, only to eat dinner before leaving again to go back to the library to begin their all-nighter for their physio exam the next day.
Eliza had texted me a couple times to inquire our whereabouts, but I had basically ignored them. At the moment I didn't feel like talking to anyone, least of all Eliza, who would sense something wrong and break out into persistent inquiries until she could learn exactly what was wrong- one of her most infuriating traits. She needed to learn to leave things alone.
Carmen wasn't like that.
I found, despite myself, I was comparing them in my mind. That was strange, considering I loudly claimed to anyone who dared to bring it up that Eliza and I were just friends. But it was impossible to look at a girl and not wonder if there was something more. Guys and girls could be just friends, but damn it if it wasn't hard not to think about relationships. Hell, Carmen was a year older than me and for all intents and purposes far out of my league.
Not to mention Carmen, even if you didn't include the fact that she was a User with a murdered roommate and obviously scarred. She didn't even want me to stay on campus. But that second we shared… it was undeniable. It didn't have to mean anything romantic, trust wasn't necessarily love or even lust, but it was a defining moment between us. String enough moments together and you form a relationship.
Pointedly pretty, brusque, Eliza. Beautiful, cautious, but undoubtedly damaged, Carmen.
We all want what we don't have.
That was part of being human, wasn't it? It let us struggle for the next plateau in life, whether we have everything or nothing to gain. Its ingrained in our DNA… we need to be better. It made me believe that there is inherent good in man, that morality has not died. It was still possible that one day every man will look to his fellow before himself. We have altruism, could we one day acquire ubiquitous selflessness? Possibly. Only time could tell.
The tangents my mind went off on, sometimes…
"I should have made Nishi stay with us." Swann said abruptly from his seat on the couch. Jimmy had a tendency to worry whenever deadlines were closing in, something I had noticed in the last few months. It was usually entertaining to watch, but in this case with my stomach churning like some kind of gastric volcano, I was far from amused by it.
"She'll tell us when they contact her," I assured him, "Not like we're doing much here anyways."
Jimmy sighed and pulled his wafer-thin laptop from his bag, resting it on his legs and powering it up. When I got nervous, I didn't like to do anything but sit and ruminate. Jimmy preferred trying to work through his nerves, not that I ever saw him get much done while trying to do so.
"I've been trying to figure out the older members of Archanos." He said casually, although it made me sit up straight.
"You never told me that." I accused, annoyed. No doubt if I had kept something like that from him, I would have gotten an earful. I resisted the urge to call him a hypocrite. Who said I had no self-control?
Swann gave me a reproachful look, its effect magnified by his ever-present wire-rimmed glasses, "I doubt you tell me everything that you get up to."
I rolled my eyes at him, the distrustful bastard. Not that he was wrong, though. I wobbly pushed myself out of the beanbag chair and sat down on the sofa next to my 'buddy' to peer at the laptop screen where he had several different pages opened up.
"My first thought was to look for donations." Jimmy explained, "To APA, or UD in general. I have several promising theories, but for the most part I can't be too sure. A lot of donations I found went through companies, and it's hard to pinpoint the owners."
"So you're saying you have nothing." I surmised, leaning back against the soft cushion, "So much for your vaunted hacking skills that you're always bragging about."
Swann punched me in the shoulder, "I don't brag. If it's ever brought up it's because of you or Raj are making fun of me about it. I never claimed to be brilliant."
"I said vaunted, not brilliant." I countered, a playful glint in my eye, "Jeez, can you get anymore bigheaded?"
"Sure," Swann retorted, "I could be you."
"Ouch."
Jimmy pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, "I didn't say I didn't find anything. I had the idea to look for people who were definitely affiliated with UD, possibly graduated from here, that sort of thing." He pulled up two pictures, the faces making me sit up in shock.
"President Allen and Dean Strauss?" I said, "Are you serious?"
"Think about it," Jimmy persisted, "They were both at Emily's memorial service, when we felt that really strong User. Doesn't it make sense? They're both graduates, and although I can't find proof, I bet that at least one of them was an APA member."
It was impossible for me to connect the bow-tied and bespectacled Dean Strauss, who stood half a head shorter than me, with the powerful shadow figure that had disconnected me from my magical affinity on the day of the memorial service.
"President Allen, maybe." I said reluctantly, "But Dean Strauss…? No way in hell, dude. His idea of switching up clothing is wearing a different color bow-tie. That guy is not a mage."
"We don't know that."
I know that, I thought silently to myself, but didn't argue aloud. Swann obviously wasn't going to budge, and I didn't see the point in fighting over it.
"Anyone else?" I asked instead.
Swann shook his head, "Just theories, like I said. It's impossible to point a finger and say for sure just based on donations and whether they've been to Wayne. Half a dozen CEOs, lawyers, doctors, foreign donations… they're all pretty powerful people. If I said a name, you'd think I was crazy, just like with Allen or Strauss."
With a sigh, I got up from my seat next to Jimmy and walked into the attached kitchen to grab myself a bottle of water from the fridge, hoping it would help settle my stomach. I sat down again and it was quiet for a long while, the TV a steady stream of happy flashes and burbling words that neither of us really processed in our nervous anticipation.
The seconds ticked by, and I seemed to count them off with the steady thump of my heart and the tickling anxiety that reverberated through my body with every beat. Magical ability or no, I was still eighteen and still trying to convince myself that I didn't have anything to be afraid of. What had happened to Emily wouldn't happen to me. It wouldn't…
Magical ability or no, I didn't have the power to stop a bullet.
Well… fear of death is no reason to stop living, right?
Right. Sure. But did I have to run out and face it whenever it sent me a text? Maybe I just had a secret death wish.
With the appointed time drawing so near, Jimmy and I shared a last grim look before we took the elevator down to the lobby and left UT. Our destination was parking structure 5, located clear across campus from my dorm. It was a frosty night so we had bundled up accordingly in winter attire. Neither of us felt like speaking, so it was only our nervous staccato breaths that filled the air.
Despite the trouble with gangs in Detroit, campus was fairly free of any unpleasant sorts even in the dead of night. I had many times wondered if it wasn't because of Archanos. There wasn't any other real explanation why only the area of UD was agreed upon to be a safe zone, because patrolling cops didn't seem to stop crime so completely elsewhere in the city.
We ran into absolutely no problems on our chilly walk, nothing deterring us except for the steady night's wind warning us off our path.
Campus itself was a veritable ghost-town, very few people ventured out from the safety of the dorms or libraries so late in the dark. Almost everyone we saw walked together in huddled packs of three or more, trading paranoid glances and speaking in low tones. I found it hard to empathize, but then again a thug with a gun or a knife was still a Normal to me, and therefore no real threat. What I feared didn't register on the same level as my fellow students.
Despite keeping a brisk pace, we made it to the parking structure only five minutes to spare. I craned my neck to see if I could get a glance at the top of the four story structure, but had no luck. I couldn't see anything, the entire building looked completely dark, and it supposedly shut down at midnight.
I half expected the forbiddingly darkened door to remain closed when Jimmy tugged on it, but it opened without a whisper of protest, as if it had been waiting for us all along. Likewise, despite the lights being out, the elevator dinged eerily as it slowly opened with a squealing laugh of machinery.
My heart's drumbeat reached a new pitch in its rhythm of fearful anticipation as the elevator crept upwards, slowly, slowly, to the very top. Despite our rise, it felt as if my heart was sinking to the pit of my stomach, and I felt ill. I shook my head, trying to disperse the jittery unpleasant feelings, but to no avail. I wasn't afraid of being trapped by some would-be thief on the street; this was where my fears laid, waiting and haunting. They were at the top of this structure, hungrily anticipating my arrival.
The truly wise man stays away from the curious shade of temptation. It is the fool who walks into the lion's den expecting to be better because of it. The shadows are welcoming, hiding you from your enemies, but darkening your soul to the world until it is unrecognizable. That change is unseen to even you, especially you, for the murk obscures all things. I'll say it again, no man sees evil staring back at him from a mirror.
Despite the elevator dinging open and moving out of its easily relenting mouth, I felt as if I was walking right into the maw of the monster that had been chasing me for months.
I hadn't been sure what I would see when I got to the top. I suppose I hadn't expected so many, lined up in a curious fashion, standing at attention like soldiers beholden to some important officer. Even from afar, I could recognize the burly form of Vik standing in front of the strange line, like a feared commander-king of old, ready to receive us into the ranks of his personal army. As we neared, their heads began to glance towards us from the line of all male, mostly younger, students.
Jimmy accidentally touched his shoulder against mine as we walked side-by-side out onto the roof. The unintended contact actually calmed me a bit. For once, I wasn't facing this alone. I had Jimmy, for better or for worse. Maybe that would mean nothing. It probably did mean nothing, but… it was comforting to stand with someone I could call friend, even though it was a rocky friendship sometimes.
I had expected Vik of course, beady eyes and all. It was a shock to recognize the slight frame and Asian features of Larry Chen standing next to him however. The student body president who had spoken at Emily's memorial service was a mage? I couldn't say that I was too surprised. I hadn't known he was in APA. Maybe Swann had known but didn't really find it relevant enough to tell me, it wouldn't be the first time.
I had never seen him or Vik ever talk to each other in public. Chen had his own clique, mostly student senate members and their friends/groupies. They stubbornly held a single quadrant of the third floor of the library for themselves and readily forbade anyone else to come near it with polite words and silent imperious stares. There was no love for the 'Senate Squad' or their aptly named 'Senate Corner' amongst my personal friends.
I assumed the line of youths were would-be pledges. In the dark, summed in sequence, their features blended together into one solid line that was unrecognizable to my uneasy eyes. I focused on Vik and Larry instead. They were the really dangerous ones anyway. Most, if not all, of the other pledges were Normals simply looking to get into the most exclusive frat on campus.
"Just in time." Vik said as we came to stand in front of him, unsmiling as he searched us both with his hard gaze, as if attempting to identify us as traitors to his cause before we even pledged, "Get in line with the others."
He pointed right to the middle of the row and the pledges sidled aside obediently to make room for us. I wondered if it was a place of honor because we were mages, or simply one of distrust for the very same reason.
Vik glanced at his phone, nodded once to Larry who returned it. The student body president stepped in front of the group to fix us all with a steady glare that seemed misplaced in comparison to his usually placid stare. I remember Raj once wondered jokingly if Larry Chen had a soul, or if he sold it to gain his presidency. David had ran against him, and lost. It had shocked me that David had lost what basically amounted to a popularity contest, but I had just assumed that it was because he was a year younger. Perhaps the reason was a bit more nefarious than I first suspected.