We all ran into the parlor to look out. I remembered
right. I hadn’t heard that unpleasant rasp since a cell phone conversation
after I had freed my dad. But you don’t forget the sound of evil.
“It’s Vaclav,” I said.
“Shit,” said my dad.
I didn’t get my potty mouth from nowhere.
Vaclav stood in the center of the street like the bad guy
in a Western flick. If he had been short, he would have been described as
slender or slight, but since he was seven feet tall, proportions were on his
side. He was dressed all in black with his cape thrown over his shoulder like Clint
Eastwood in a real life version of
A Fist Full of the Undead
. Vampires tend
to lose their healthy summer tan after all those years hidden from the sun. To
be frank, they look like death. His white, cue ball head had jagged ears that
looked almost like bat wings. His peaked black brows sat above his blood red
eyes. He ran a pointed tongue over his fangs and smiled at me through the
glass.
“If you are not out on this street with that quartz comb by
the count of ten, Maggie MacKay, I will be forced to send my associates in
after you.”
I grabbed my dad and pulled him away from the window.
“Remind me again why you didn’t leave Mr. Smith’s file in
the drawer?” I said, checking my gun to make sure it was loaded.
“ONE.”
“Maggie, don’t sass your father,” said my mom.
“I’m not sassing,” I mumbled.
“You were sort of sassing,” Killian not at all helpfully
pointed out.
“You’re supposed to be on my side, PARTNER.”
“TWO.”
Dad gave a huge sigh and rested his forehead in his hands,
“I should have stayed stuck between dimensions…”
“What are we going to do, Dad?”
“THREE.”
I suddenly felt the presence of something on the more
expired end of the meat packing date.
“We have company,” I said.
“What is it?” asked Mindy.
I put my hand over her mouth. It was a vampire. I guess
the house's threshold was so old it didn't count for shit and I was a dumbass
for not remembering to check for a rear exit.
There was a door at the far end of the parlor.
"It leads to the kitchen," said my dad in a low
voice, confirming the worst case scenario, "which has three doors: one to
the parlor, one to the entry, and one to the dining room."
I took the safety off my gun.
We had put ourselves into a nice little position to get
flanked. I could feel the vampire trying to sense us, trying to smell us. I
know the difference between being hunted and being the hunter. And right now,
we were baby bunnies up a fucking tree without a paddle.
We needed to get to high ground and we needed to get there
now. The stairs, unfortunately, were right next to the second entrance to the
kitchen.
I only felt one dude, though, so I held up my finger for
“one”. I jerked my head back towards the hallway and pointed up. Dad and
Killian nodded.
“FOUR,” Vaclav continued counting, probably figuring we'd
be quaking in our boots so hard we wouldn't notice his minion coming at us
fangs out.
He figured wrong.
I edged up along the corner of the doorframe, my gun in one
hand, my stake in another. Mom just continued merrily chatting away with her
ghost friend, Thomas, like there wasn’t some rabid undead monster stalking us.
I hooked her with my arm and pulled her behind me.
“Now really, dear. It isn’t polite to interrupt in the
middle of such a pleasant conversation.”
“There is a vampire in here, Mom.”
“Oh, well, that changes everything now, doesn’t it.”
I could hear the vampire’s hand on the door handle as he
slowly tried to turn it.
“Come on,” I whispered.
Dad took charge of Mom and Mindy as Killian checked the
entry to make sure it was clear. I was just about to push everyone into the hallway
when the vampire rushed out the kitchen and into the parlor.
I fired two shots. Neither of them connected. That
vampire was like a fucking ninja. He very well could have been a ninja back in
the day. They’re usually swift enough to kick a vampire’s ass pretty effectively,
but a ninja’s gotta sleep sometime and those vampires are tricky.
I really hoped that I wasn’t up against a former ninja.
And then the vampire tripped and fell on the ground. I
have never heard nor seen a clumsy vampire, but I wasn’t going to ask him if he
had a boo-boo. I pulled out my stake and got him before he even had a chance
to say, "Who dropped this banana peel?”
Killian ran over to the door and slammed it shut as I wiped
my stake on my pant leg. Mom whispered, “Thank you, Thomas.”
“Did he just trip that vampire for us?” I asked.
“Let’s just say he gave him a gentle nudge in the right
direction,” she said.
“Thank you, Thomas!” I mouthed.
"FIVE," Vaclav continued.
Speaking of five, I counted five more unwanted dinner
guests trying to sneak in. We had definitely not made enough to feed everyone.
I motioned to the fam to stay still. I snuck over to the parlor
doorway. I could feel the vampires had split up, probably to hem us in, and
that one had hidden himself in the entry. I peered into the hallway and was
just a few millimeters shy of accidentally catching that vampire square in the
eyes and finding myself in a thrall.
He hissed and flew at me. I fired. Once. Twice. On the
third one I hit him with my silver bullet and he crashed to the ground.
So much for the element of surprise.
We took off up the stairs. I fired as the three other monsters
burst out of the kitchen and scrambled after us. Killian took out the stake I
had loaned him and buried one deep into the heart of one of the guys. He went
down.
We only had two more kitchen vampires left, but I could
feel there was a third vamp somewhere. I pushed Mindy in front of me as one of
the suckers grabbed me by the heel. I gave him a kick to the mouth and hoped
that I did enough damage to at least send him to the dentist for some cosmetic work.
He grappled for my knee and I kicked him again. Killian
fired off an arrow from the crossbow he had been hauling around and got the
fourth one, which was levitating in the air looking for a good opportunity to
dog pile on top of me. I flipped over onto my belly and got my knee in between
the vampire and my chest, and kicked him off. He went tumbling down the
stairs.
“Maaaagie?” called Mindy.
I looked over. Seemed the extra vampire had decided to do
a sweep of the top floors and had gotten there before us.
I pulled my silver stake out of my boot top and winged it
at him. Boom. Straight in his heart. My sister stood pressed up against the
wall as he fell to the floor with a thunk. She looked at him lying there on
the ground and then got closer to the stake.
“Is that the one I got you for Christmas?”
“I use it almost every day. Thanks!”
“I’ll make sure to get you another one.”
“I always appreciate backup weaponry.”
"SIX!" continued Vaclav. "Surrender the
comb!"
“A little help, Maggie,” called Killian.
The one leftover vampire hissed at us from downstairs.
“Oh come on, Killian. We can wipe this guy out in our
sleep.”
“Less talking. More killing.”
I pulled out my gun and fired off two rounds into the
vampire's chest.
“Done and done.”
He let out a deep breath, “Excellent work, partner.”
I blew the smoke from the top of my gun, “Piece of cake.
What’d you say we go see what’s going on outside.”
Except that in the mayhem, I hadn’t felt the new vampire
enter. I heard a sound and saw the fear register on Killian's face. I spun
just as the vampire jumped towards me. And then he dropped, right out of the
sky onto the floor in a motionless heap. I looked closer and there was Mindy's
baby blade sticking straight out of his heart.
I turned around, slack-jawed.
“Well done, Mindy.”
“I always knew you had it in you!” said Dad, putting his
arm around her shoulders proudly. “You’re a natural!”
“Thanks,” she said dryly. “Can we get into a room with a
lock on the door?”
Dad gave her a kiss on the forehead and looked like he was
just about to burst, “As soon as we get home, I’m getting you your very first
staking kit!”
“You never buy me stuff when I kill things,” I complained.
“We think you are special, too, Maggie,” said my mom.
Family.
Dad led Mindy and Mom up the stairs as Killian and I gathered
up our weapons and took the rear guard.
“Vaclav seems very quiet...” mused Killian.
There was a crack of thunder in the sky.
“Maybe he’s off finding an umbrella.”
“I hope he drowns in a two inch puddle,” said Mindy from
the landing.
I looked up, “I’ll work on that, sis.”
The upstairs was filled with rotting floorboards, which
actually was good because there was no way in hell they’d support an attacking
army. There were several rooms off the hall. We picked the one with a door.
As soon as we were in, Mom and Mindy stepped to the side while
Dad, Killian and I moved a frickin’ ginormous armoire in front of the door. Hopefully,
we’d only have to last till daybreak.
I walked over to the window and looked down, “I wonder why
Vaclav hasn’t sent in more scary guys to finish us off…”
The town was completely empty. It was like Vaclav had
never even been there. Dad and Killian stepped beside me.
Lightning crashed.
“Maybe that is why,” said Killian, pointing at the street.
“Is that…?”
We all got really quiet as a round, tubby man with a fringe
of white hair walked down the road, flanked by a pack of werewolves. Which is
kind of funny seeing how the last time I saw Mr. Smith, he was getting zipped
into a body bag.
“I thought you said he was dead,” pointed out my dad.
“He got blood all over our floor, I had to fill out a
shitton of paperwork, and now he’s out for a stroll through Ghost Town?!? Son
of a bitch!”
But there he was, just standing there, looking dapper and
dandy. Except that his eyes glowed yellow, which seemed to indicate that in
addition to forgetting that he wasn’t supposed to be moving, perhaps he was not
in the sanest frame of mind. Around his neck was a yellow necklace of
brimstone, half of the beads pulsating with light.
“And there’s the missing necklace. How the hell did he get
that?” I asked.
“Maybe if you had stayed focused on tracking it down like I
assigned you, we wouldn’t be having this problem,” mentioned my dad.
“Not helping.”
“You were looking for THAT?” asked Mindy, standing on her
tiptoes to look over our shoulders. “That ugly looking necklace?”
I nodded, not really able to argue the aesthetics of the
piece, “Hard as it might be to believe, that fashion emergency lets you control
thirty-three souls.”
“That is seriously fucked!” said Mindy.
“You’re right, sis. It is seriously fucked.”
“Vaclav!” shouted Mr. Smith. “I am calling you out!”
The necklace glowed. And Vaclav jerked out of the shadows,
like a puppet on a string. He seemed to be trying to fight some sort of invisible
force and losing. He was followed by his vampire minions, shuffling behind
with zombie-like grace.
Vaclav came to a halt in front of Mr. Smith. The vampire’s
face was contorted with rage as he spat, “You are an abomination, Isaac.
Running with those dogs at your feet.”
“They make rather lovely pets, don’t they?” said Mr. Smith,
leaning over to scratch one of the werewolves behind the ears. The monster
growled at Vaclav as Mr. Smith spoke, “I only had to wipe out one den and blame
it on you, and they were more than willing to join forces with me.”
I turned to Killian, “Is any of this making any sense to
you?”
He shook his head slowly, just as mystified as I was, his
eyes never leaving the drama going on below us.
Vaclav looked like he might have actually recoiled from Mr.
Smith for just a moment, “How do you speak of your treachery and yet keep those
beasts by your side?”
Mr. Smith caressed the beads of the Empress's necklace with
more loving idolatry than a hipster with an autographed picture of Ira Glass,
“This is such an elegantly understated bit of jewelry, don’t you think,
Vaclav?”
“What is it?” he asked, with more than just a little fear
showing through on his evil old face.
“Here you have been so concerned about finding those
worthless combs of the Empress," laughed Mr. Smith, "So blind that
you didn't even realize that it was I who stole them from you right beneath
your nose. You were so enraged when you saw that crushed brass comb, so sure
that the MacKays had foiled your plans. You ate up all the lies I fed you as
you stared at that broken bauble. Did you know that I was the one to crush it
beneath my heel?"