chili and spices, I gotta have chili, and he went over to the well-stocked table and stuffed himself with bread and fish and chili sauce non-stop, got it all over his face and chin and khaki vest, saying more, more fire on my lips and on my neck, ’cause fire’s what I know up close and personal, Manuel, repelled, just stared at him, okay gotta be tolerant said his father, just think of what he lived through over there, Mesopotamia, I was on the banks of this river in Mesopotamia the boy went on, then tomorrow they send me somewheres else, conflicts, battles, that’s what you gotta have, one after another, no being out of work for me, hell after hell I’ll be there ready to dive into the flames, always got a job, not you rich kids though, not your place, it’s mine, c’mon let’s have something to drink, boy am I thirsty, really I’m dyin’ of thirst, the sauce had darkened the red in his face like some sort of mask, nice cities there all of ’em, just knocked ’em down one after another the boy bragged, bang, bang, then nothing but ruins and zoo animals staring at us looking lost, wondering are we gonna wipe ’em out or just let ’em die alone in them bloody streets, sure enough fourteen whole months there, no way you’ll ever be there, just not for you is all, my fate not your fate, the brass said I needed a rest, yeah rest that’s what they said, so here I am, hey gimme something to drink, an ice-cold beer, whoa chili’s eaten right through my throat, yep so let’s have that beer, hey two three iced beers, hell I’m thirsty, you got any idea how much I dreamed of these, hey you could drown in this stuff when your bed’s on fire, when you’re so afraid you . . . he stifled the rest with a fierce swig then went on stuffing himself, so Manuel’s father just said again got to be patient with him kids, go easy, you can’t even imagine what he went through over there, you’ll never know, so they all just went on dancing and laughing on the beach, Tammy was there with them, no telling what her writer parents would have thought about her smoking up, getting drunk and hostile like this, as Mai just stared at the kid, and at the end of the night when it was all over this passing stranger from who-knows-where would just wander off drunk and so very alone through streets he’d never even seen before, he said he’d come to see a friend, a vet like him but didn’t seem to have found him, dead maybe, Mai had to tell herself they’ll forget about him the second he’s gone, none of the kids left dancing on the beach will give a thought to that chili-slathered face of his nor even want to, nope they’d forget about the man-boy and his fourteen months in hell real quick, was it just delirium or hallucination when he said to Mai I’m just an asshole, a sewer, that’s all I am, that’s how you toss your life away, ambushes everywhere, women shut away though you could feel their hate so far off, maybe it was just suspicion ’cause of all the killings and kidnaps and torture, and everywhere women behind closed doors, you’d think they were blind behind those veils, staring, burning a hole right through me, marching in single file through sewers and rotting corpses, a human sewer, you got no idea you rich girls, hey from our camp named after some city I could see it all, high walls that didn’t protect us at all anyway, the Triangle of Death, walls high enough to cut us off from the horizon though, I was eighteen and heading out fully equipped, helmet and all, with the roar of the helicopters, yeah a human sewer that’s me, hey ice-cold beer, I wanna cold beer, so back from patrol I look at this heavy-duty watch I got and still can’t see right and they’re saying advance, advance, hey kid watcha waitin’ for, then I hear this country music coming from the base or the sky, I can’t tell which ’cause we’re gettin’ bombed out on the road they call Temple, anyway that’s when I hear them yell come on kid, forward, hey you got any T-bones, back there in the mess tent we had to swallow everything down quick, real quick, hey iced beer said the kid so uninviting and unlikeable to Mai, good thing he’s standing right there in front of her, not in some flag-draped coffin or something, hungry and so thirsty, non-existent to anyone but Mai, thirsty and all but invisible, might as well be one of the dead they carry through the streets, almost was anyway thought Mai, totally anonymous and forgotten, her pacifist parents would surely understand how this child-warrior moved her, picking out his shapeless, incoherent yell of distress through the hiccups and jumbled words, an ordinary boy they’d reduced to the state of barbarism, the chili sauce suddenly looking more like blood on that wretched face, snatching up the dripping plates to lick, that’s how they did it back there, fast in then fast out again, so fast he almost threw up all over his rifle once, as he ordered up more beer from Manuel’s father Mai remembered she hadn’t gone in to kiss her grandmother as Mélanie told her, what a pain, she’d probably have woken the old lady from her nap anyhow, these light snoozes got longer every day, so at least this way Mai wouldn’t be disturbing her, Tammy’s parents had dinner outside every evening and when they went back inside they’d probably ask Mai’s parents where their daughter was, is she with yours, then of course her own parents would start wondering about Mai too, where was she, isn’t she with Tammy, but what bothered her more was not taking time to kiss and hug her grandmother, more even than the sort of tenderness and reaching out she felt for this reject kid who’d never make it as anything but a soldier, a life of weapons, crimes and murders he could never take back from the recesses of his juvenile half-formed consciousness thought Mai, could her parents even conceive properly of a life moulded purposely for the killing of others, this one, this life that had turned eighteen in the Triangle of Death, as he liked to boast though no one was listening to him, dancing to the throbbing of seismic music and having fun on the beach was all they were about, country as well, and the boy said to Mai so your brothers, where they at, Vincent was the one that popped into her mind, up there in his neat, tidy university and its lush green campus, Vincent on his way to becoming a doctor, Vincent studying and trying to tame his irregular breath and heartbeat, Vincent destined to a short life they’d always said, what if he’d been like this chili-smeared kid and destined to war instead, no way he’d ever make it thought Mai, one safely shielded by his class, the other not, no way of knowing, maybe inexplicably redeemed somehow, lying with arms crossed on a pile of dead comrades under the scorching desert
sun, say tomorrow, would they find him yelling I want to live, I wanna live, I wanna live, then right there the air-conditioned bus bringing him back to her after all, not in some flag-draped coffin li
ke the others, oh Jesus Christ have mercy I still got my legs and arms, I can make it out of here, then poking his unharmed flesh he’d yell oh Jesus I’m here, still here, thus ran Mai’s thoughts as she looked at the boy, he’d be saved too, saved like Vincent, she wasn’t one for prayers but she offered one up for him, please let the boy with chili and worse stuff on his face be spared too, T-bones son said Manuel’s father clapping him on the shoulder, eat up, it’s for young soldiers just like you I opened up my discotheques I call Shelter in bombed-out cities, everywhere so you guys can have some fun, so you kids can forget for a short while, dancing and all the fun of my illicit operations just for you, really, hey we had this same country music over there, I remember now said the boy, my latest one is in Beirut Manuel’s dad went on, oh yeah DJs and rock ’n’ roll, gotta know how to unwind sometimes, hats off to you guys, besides war business pays good all over, everybody knows but no one wants to say it, discotheques, nightclubs in Lebanon so you can get away from it all, sure he said, tapping the kid on the shoulder, then out of his jeans pocket came the handkerchief to wipe chili off the boy’s forehead, hey come on and dance and have some fun, you know they’re gonna call you back for another tour in hell so get it out of your system, get with us, yeah we did have this country music the boy said, I thought it was coming from the base, hey how do you get to the airport from here, have they bombed it yet, ’cause I gotta go, yeah I gotta he told Manuel’s dad, them discotheques and nightclubs in Lebanon, you ought to be ashamed of making money off our tears, off the arms and legs we . . . oh boy the poor kid’s wigging out said Manuel’s father, come and help me carry him so he can sit and rest in the lounge chair over there by the water, c’mon son that’s it, he had to be looked after, saved thought Mai as she walked barefoot along the beach, skates in hand, we’ve got to save this kid, save him so he doesn’t go to sleep tomorrow with his arms folded on top of those dead buddies of his and can’t cry out Jesus I’m alive as he stares up at the torrid desert sun, Christ I’m alive, this blood on my face, it’s okay, I’m alive. He saw Herman headed his way, this time in a wheelchair, and seeing him come down the street like this Yinn felt a twinge, damn this was bad, this, nah it’s only for a few days Herman said, though he sounded furious, well at least you finally listened to your doctor said Yinn, now you’re making sense, and he put his hand on Herman’s bristly head, but he shook it off and yelled I don’t want your pity Yinn, I’m not paralyzed in this goddamn chair, no no no no no, just resting my leg from the operation, then watch me dance and after that back on the tricycle and out into the street, cape and all, you did fix it didn’t you Yinn, so why the hell aren’t you inside sewing instead of fooling around out here with me, oh I was just waiting to buy you a drink Yinn replied, I’m not leaving you alone, damned if you have to wheel me into the bar in this thing Herman fumed, he’d even put on makeup and was all set to step onstage then and there, but the purplish colour along with the green eye-shadow was also meant to give him some camouflage, then enraged, he started wrestling with his wheels, from home to the street, then from the street to the bar where Yinn was in her low-cut dress waiting for the late show, no way, just till you can walk okay she repeated, I’m not leaving you alone Herman, you’re too reckless, you’re not going to get better that way she said as they entered the bar, and we all want what’s best for you, Petites Cendres heard the charge of contained virility in Yinn’s voice and saw the flash of renewed concern in his gaze, what’s happening to us it seemed to say, Fatalité gone, that wound reopened again with a darkness and pain that made him want to weep though he had to hold that in for now, somehow his tall black wig and the dignity of his evening dress conspired to force a cool haughtiness he didn’t feel at all, but the show must go on, as must his dancing and singing, not to miss a beat, not even to pick up Herman’s wheelchair to take his attention off what absorbed him so much and coax a smile out from under that screen of makeup he was wearing, already the rush to the stairs to get into the show, greedy to see Yinn sing and dance as it said there under the bright yellow bulbs in the form of an arrow, but Petites Cendres didn’t need it, this longing for retreat in Yinn’s eyes, black curved lashes and delicate troubled features, what’s happening to all our friends, first Fatalité, now Herman, sure he was laid up for only a few more days but what happens when one by one they’re faced with some disaster or other, their days and their bodies suddenly ripped up Yinn thought as he looked at Herman, big strong Herman, who’d have thought they’d see him in a wheelchair, big, strong and incredibly vital not so long ago, and what happens when even the most attentive friend can’t stop the threatened harm or just plain bad luck, uh-oh, revived by chugging a glass of vodka, Herman was up and out of his chair, standing on shaky legs, friends he said, a toast to getting stabbed in the back by life and let us never be afraid to take a chance on being happy, then finally Yinn saw the wan smile slide into Herman’s tired lips, getting ready to wave goodbye to convalescence in a few short days though he already looked a little too worked up and unbridled despite his delicate condition, how about you sit down Yinn said, searching in vain for the face of My Captain in the smoke-filled bar, where’s Captain Thomas, My Captain being a private name used only between the two of them, he’s been out at sea on his boat with a bunch of tourists all day Robbie said, he’s late because he loves going night-diving alone after they’re gone, right diving alone at night, sure said Yinn as he dialled the Captain on his red cellphone, you don’t just go diving alone at night in the depths of the ocean he muttered, maybe he’d just like to stay on the bottom, Christ he’s as crazy as Herman, am I stuck with a bunch of infants here, yep laughed Robbie, we’re all yours, just one big ragtag family, nutso, whatcha gonna do, Yinn, putting his phone down on the bar, said right, not a thing, what does he know about currents eh, he may be a licensed captain, powerful currents in winter, sure, but it’s spring, okay time to drag the papier-mâché horse out into the street said Herman, enough of the dockside processions, orchids and roses on the water and all that, enough, enough’s enough said Herman, let’s not overdo it eh Yinn, c’mon Mama Samurai, life’s for the living and to each his own, you know Thomas is fine underwater, there’s nothing anyone can teach him, nothing said Robbie, Christ he’s even got the sharks tamed, Captain Thomas has nothing to learn from anyone and you know it Yinn, Robbie called from the dance floor where the tiny, pretty woman was dancing with him like a girl having the time of her life, this was her night at the bar, every night was, with applause for Robbie, letting him flirt with her during intermission, this abstract yet so human love of his made her feel bigger than any of them, a chaste love that made her utterly radiant, all this time Yinn waited longer than he wanted to for the scuffling of the Captain up the stairs and into their cloud of smoke, right he’d show up just like that, stripped to the waist, his white cap slanted over his brow and some coloured fabric or other hanging down off it, just waiting to be contemplated and admired in all his flamboyance like back in the day, not long before, just a few years ago he’d been a sexy international model you saw everywhere in the magazines, travelled all round the world, got to know all kinds of cultures, Yinn liked the fact that My Captain kept the same insistence on elegance, that he received friends while lying in his extravagant bed with champagne, surrounded by his collections of books and paintings, holding forth like a prince in his dressing gown, it annoyed Jason but delighted Yinn with its redolence of a life forever spent in dreams and fantasy, Jason seemed too down-to-earth with not enough openings to let the light shine in, just a little sprinkling of flashes in the night that he focused onstage from his little booth during a show or in rehearsals, where repetition corroded the enchantment of it all, then here was Yinn being distracted by the Next One, how on earth had Yinn been able to wrestle that dress, too dark by half, onto that body of his anyway, or maybe it was the Next One’s lack of effort to hold himself in, perhaps it was the slumping shoulders that made him seem so awkward, you’re some odd-looking girl you are said Yinn as he fixed the folds in the dress, you’re gonna have to stand straighter than that, and for God’s sake try to be a bit graceful, not like some college kid who’s just had a bawling out, a real lady, I don’t know how the Next One said, moving his body clumsily under that dress, honest I don’t know how ladies do things, you’ve got a mother or a sister, haven’t you Yinn replied, surely they’ve got some sort of beauty to inspire you, or do you just have nothing to go on at all, I can’t believe it, I mean you’re Chinese and that’s what draws people to you, that difference, the shape and colour of your eyes, your skin colour too, plus your hair, I don’t think this thing works for you, I’ll have to find something else, something like a Chinese painting, yeah that would do it, we’ll get inspiration from art, okay I’m on it said Yinn, pinning his handiwork as though he wanted to deflate the mannequin back in his sewing room, see that’s better now, the piercings on your tongue and left earlobe are fine uh-huh, he brushed the Next One’s ears gently with his hand though his thoughts were far away, he was preoccupied with My Captain deep in his ocean with night coming on, with him and with Fatalité’s sister whom he’d rocked gently out there on the wharf, the wind blowing their hair and the moment of implacable goodbyes upon them as her brother’s ashes settled in the water below them with faint echoes of the Reverend Stone, dearly beloved, our friend has rejoined his Creator, our lives here below not being given to us but merely lent, this, dear friends, must never be forgotten and on this day of bereavement, as bread from the loaf are we separated from him, and a sister from her brother, Yinn left her side to lean out over the floating orchids, their petals rocked by the water, of course Herman had to yell enough with the sadism Reverend, we’ve had it up to here, we all damn well know life is only on loan, no point flogging it to death, that’s just twisting the knife, Rev, you wanna know how many girls Yinn’s had to hold like that because of a son or brother gone eh, and there’s got to be an end to it, an end to the carnage of young lives, you men of God, spitting out your stains of darkness, but Herman’s words, like the Reverend Stone’s, got whisked away by the wind and fed to the grey clouds and the gulls, the pelicans and the turtledoves perched under the wooden beams of the terraces, still why dwell on their farewell to Fatalité Yinn thought just as My Captain appeared through the smoke with Petite and Oscar, his poodle and boxer, in tow, or rather vice versa, cigarette in his mouth and cap raked as always, checkered vest against the chill, actually a shirt with jutting shoulders that Jason figured he’d torn the sleeves off to show his tattoos and muscular arms for Yinn, Jason was the landlubber and My Captain the man of the sea, deep and impenetrable, that’s when Petites Cendres saw Yinn’s long arms open to his friend, and something new this time, Yinn dragging him out of the bar, still waltzing to the time he’d just kept onstage, c’mon and tell me some more about China, what was it like Yinn asked his captain, well I was in this kind of water-house in Beijing, I mean right there in the residence was this spa and water everywhere, water beneath the plants, a tree right up to the ceiling, it was a place for therapeutic tea taking, the house of an emperor of the Qing Dynasty, My Captain told it all, told about the incredible luxury of his early life until he hit thirty, then they didn’t want him anymore and everyone forgot the sculptured body he said laughing, what, Shanghai Yinn asked with shining eyes, Shanghai yes Shanghai, but he wasn’t even listening anymore as the Captain launched into an account of spit-roasted duck in an apricot and almond sauce, then on to his first years in Thailand, born while his father was stationed in Bangkok, Yinn thought of his own childhood, not really all that poor at first, almost comfortable he thought, his father had hit on the idea of selling chewing gum, sure, gum, why not you know Yinn said, laziness taught my father all sorts of creative tricks, then bang there we were, the best-dressed family in the neighbourhood with plenty to eat, now if he’d come back to America with us we’d probably be broke, what with his passion for adventure, women, passionate yes, but then Yinn fell into silent thought, the Qing Dynasty and its descendants he murmured, tell me some more about them, ah when a man has his dogs and his boat what more does he need, the Captain steered Yinn away from thoughts of exile, love on top of that would almost be too much eh Yinn, what do you say, you with no boat but the most faithful man in the world, dear Jason, still even his irony couldn’t bring Yinn back from the far-off continent of his memories, the sky low over the rice fields and canals, he was saying and our unsteady little place, you had to get there over a gangplank, my dad built me a little balcony, kind of a tiny theatre, that’s where I could dance and sing, and he would bring over all the village kids, enticing them with mint-flavoured gum, just you wait he’d say, my son Yinn’s going to be an actor, he wanted anything for his sons but a military career, he wanted us to have more choices than he did, and oh how proud my mother was to see us in the oriental suits she made for us, they were still a solid couple in those days, Yinn lowered his eyes, and I was very young but I remember, then all of a sudden we were uprooted and whisked off somewhere else, my adventurous father wanted a woman from his own race, first one and then another, he got used to it and we lost it all so I became the head of the family, words which defined Yinn well and to which My Captain replied but you are still head of the family my friend, and how could it be any other way, you know I don’t regret the years of poverty