Ramona was fifteen at the time. Old enough to understand
what had happened. Even so, she never could figure
why
he’d done it. Her
father had been addicted to gambling. His debt with the local bookkeeper had
grown and grown. He became distant and easily angered by Ramona and her mother.
Then, he lost his job, and try as he might, had not been able to find another
one for three long months. The burden of it had become too much for him to
bear. He left Maria and Ramona all alone in the world, with nothing to their
names but a slew of bad debts and a lease on a shoddy, broken down apartment in
the Village.
Despite all this, Ramona still remembered her papa as a
kind man. A flawed man, but one who was full of love and encouragement for
Ramona. She felt a haze of dizziness and nausea come over her. She fell to her
hands and knees on the floor as deep sobs racked her body.
How could Mother consider marrying again without me
there, standing beside her? How could she marry a man I’ve never even met, and
leave me here all alone?
“Ramona! Ramona! What is it?” Elizabeth’s voice broke
through the haze that was threatening to overwhelm her.
Ramona looked up into her friend’s concerned face, and
stood slowly to her feet. She picked up the letter with trembling hands.
Reading it over again. Maybe she could find some deeper understanding of what
her mother had been thinking. Ramona knew nothing about the man her mother had
run off with, other than that he was a professor from the University of Texas,
and lived in Austin. Along with the note she’d left Ramona a few dollars, but
no further clue as to how to contact her.
Ramona felt devastated. She stumbled to the other side of
the single room apartment and sat on her bed in shock.
I’m completely alone now.
She glanced up at the door. Rent was due the following day.
And their landlord, Mr. Mason, was not a kind man. He would be banging on her
front door by midday if Ramona hadn’t already been downstairs with a month’s
advance payment. Her mother had told her to ask him for some leeway in staying there,
but Ramona knew that it would be a hopeless cause. Mr. Mason had thrown old
Mrs. Hill out on the street only weeks earlier when her arthritis had gotten
her fired at the garment factory where she worked. Ramona had tried to follow
her onto the street, but the old lady had disappeared into the crowd before she
got downstairs. If Mr. Mason wasn’t able to find it in his heart to be lenient
with that kind, old lady, Ramona knew he wouldn’t help her.
She walked to the closet and pulled out her purple satin
bag with the green bow. It was time to pack. And this time she would not be
filling the bag with ballet shoes and a glittering stage outfit, but with everything
she owned.
“Ramona! Answer me, what is going on? Are you all right?”
asked Elizabeth, clutching at Ramona’s arm and tugging at it in an attempt to secure
her attention.
“My mother has left me,” Ramona said, her chin quivering.
“What do you mean?” asked Elizabeth, letting go of Ramona’s
arm.
“She’s gone to Texas to marry a professor. I’m all alone in
the world. I have to get a job. I’ll never be a Broadway star now. I have
nowhere to live. I…” Ramona was babbling, and the feeling of dizziness and
nausea returned as she gulped in deep breaths of cool air.
“Oh Ramona. I’m so sorry. You can stay with us. I’m sure
Mama and Papa won’t mind. Honestly. Come on, let’s go and ask them.” Elizabeth
placed her arm around Ramona’s shoulders, and guided her gently toward the
apartment door and into the hallway.
“What will I do now?” asked Ramona, her brown eyes wide and
filled with unshed tears as she looked at Elizabeth.
“We’ll figure it out. You will be fine. This is not the end
of your life. It’s just the beginning. You’ll see,” Elizabeth patted Ramona’s
hand, and wiped a stray tear that had trickled down her pink cheek.
“It’s just the beginning.”
Ramona
For Ramona, time seemed to pass in a slow motion haze of
activity in the weeks following her mother’s departure. Sometimes she couldn’t
even recall what day it was, and every time Elizabeth asked her when she had
last looked for a job, danced, or rehearsed, Ramona would mumble and say, “It’s
only been a couple of days.”
“It hasn’t though,” Elizabeth would say.
Usually, the far more sensible Elizabeth, with her straight
ash hair and plain pointed face, considered Ramona’s pursuit of a life on the
stage to be a foolish endeavor. She’d never said anything to discourage Ramona,
but for her, being a wife and mother was all she asked of life. She had no
ambition beyond that, and the way things were progressing with Arthur, it
wouldn’t be long until she had all that she dreamed of. For now though, Elizabeth
worked as a maid in the same hotel where Ramona’s mother had worked. And Elizabeth
could see that the old vivacious, joyful, Ramona was drifting away. That
special spark about her was fading. She had holed up in Elizabeth’s bedroom,
and rarely came out. So Elizabeth pressed Ramona to rehearse in an attempt to
bring the girl out of the dark hole into which she had fallen.
Soon the cool air of the approaching winter was whistling
down the streets and byways of the West Village, and Ramona had taken to
wearing her coat everywhere she went. The leaves on the trees had changed,
coating the cityscape with brilliant oranges, fiery yellows and warm brown
tones. Thanksgiving was a melancholy affair for Ramona. She shared the day with
Elizabeth and her family, but couldn’t bring herself to be cheery in spite of
their friendly banter. At the dinner that evening, the table was set with a
small piece of turkey, gravy, stuffing, fresh bread rolls and several vegetable
dishes. There was also soup for an appetizer, and they all waited eagerly to
begin the meal while Mr. John Dresden, Elizabeth’s father, said the prayer of
Thanksgiving. After the prayer, he paused with a spoon full of soup just
beneath the curl of his black moustache and looked at Ramona.
“So, Ramona, have you found employment yet?”
“No, not yet Mr. Dresden.”
“Where have you looked?”
“I just haven’t had the heart to really try anywhere yet,
but I will soon. I just need a little time to think about what I should do with
my life now. I always thought I’d be a performer, and now it seems that I’ll
have to take on some other kind of pursuit – at least until I land a role. I really
don’t know where to start.”
“I see,” he said, exchanging a look with his wife, Agatha.
“Surely they would let you take your mother’s place at the
hotel, dear?” questioned Agatha, taking a sip of soup.
“Actually, they’ve already filled that position,” said
Elizabeth, carefully slicing a piece of bread and laying it on her plate. She
cut a portion of butter from the butter dish, and spread it thickly over the
still-warm bread. It melted, running down the edges and onto the plate below.
Her parents exchanged another look, this time sharing a
frown.
“Well dear, that was not very sensible – to lose such a
promising lead. You know what they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the
bush.”
“Oh dear, yes. You are right. I will try to be more
responsible. Truly I will. I just need a little time to gather my thoughts.”
“Not too long, I hope,” muttered Mr. Dresden, lowering his
face toward his bowl to slurp up the soup.
***
One day, just before Christmas, Elizabeth came home from
work and called out Ramona’s name. When there was no response Elizabeth entered
the bedroom the two women were sharing and found Ramona curled up on her bed. Her
long dark hair lay in dank and knotted braids on either side of her head, and
her crumpled dress was twisted up beneath her.
“Come on,” Elizabeth said, pulling Ramona up by the arms.
“You’re going to go and rehearse if I have to drag you down to the park to do
it. This isn’t like you Ramona! You’ve still got plenty to live for…you’ve got
your singing and dancing, and as much as I’ve never understood it, I know how
much it means to you. Besides, I think you ought to at least get out of the
house, and maybe brush your hair.”
Ramona got to her feet, smoothing out her dress and
feigning a smile. “You’re right,” she said, nodding. “I’ve been feeling sorry
for myself too long. Like you have said time and time again, it’s not the end
of the world, just the end of the life that I knew.” She glanced over at her
ballet shoes and, for the first time in weeks, felt the rock-like heaviness in
the pit of her stomach lighten a little. “I think I’ll go to rehearsal.”
***
Elizabeth was right,
Ramona thought, breathless but
happy as she left the park, waving back to the girls still clustered about
under a large oak tree. They waved in response, and set about removing their
dance shoes and donning their coats for the walk home. Ramona pulled her coat
more tightly about her body, and wrapped a knitted purple scarf around her neck
against the winter chill.
That’s done me the world of good!
Her feet
sailed gracefully over the cobbled road as she made her way back home. Often,
after a rehearsal she would stay and chat with her friends, but this time she
couldn’t wait to get back home to see Elizabeth. It was time she made a
decision about what to do for money and how she could start getting back onto
her own two feet. She wanted to discuss it with Elizabeth before she settled on
anything.
Ramona had moved in with Elizabeth and her parents almost six
weeks ago, and she knew that it was time she began to pull her weight. They had
been kind enough to provide her with lodging and food, but she didn’t want to
live off their charity forever. Ramona brushed a stray strand of dark hair from
her face, and smiled up at the darkening sky. It was a beautiful evening, full
of possibility, and besides – she was in New York, where anyone could make
their dreams come true if they were willing to work hard and make sacrifices.
I want Lizzie and her folks to know how much I
appreciate them and everything they’ve done for me. They have been so kind to
me. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
When Ramona walked through the front door of Elizabeth’s
apartment that night, she found the sitting room and kitchen empty.
“Lizzie?” Ramona entered the small bedroom they shared.
Elizabeth was sitting on the bed. “Ramona, there’s
something I have to talk to you about. I’ve been speaking with my parents.”
Ramona’s face dropped. She sat down on the bed, beside Elizabeth,
smoothing the creases in her dress and tucking one foot elegantly beneath the
other.
“You can stay here for a week or two longer but after that,”
Elizabeth’s eyes were filled with turmoil, and her lower lip trembled as she
spoke, “you’ll have to find somewhere else to settle.”
“Your parents don’t want me staying here anymore, do they?”
Ramona sighed loudly. She knew that Elizabeth’s parents had
always thought that Ramona’s artistic leanings and lack of supervision were a
bad influence on their daughter. They refused to encourage any such outlandish behavior
in their own daughter. Elizabeth’s steady job as a maid earned their pride, and
they looked forward to the day when she would be married to a sensible man with
a solid job of his own. They saw her friendship with the untraditional Ramona
as a threat to the security of Elizabeth’s future.
“They say it’s time you learned to take care of yourself.
I’m sorry Ramona.”
Elizabeth tried to mask her dismay at having to relay this
information by staring at the cracked floorboards. “It’s a small apartment,
Ramona. It’s nothing personal against you, I promise. It’s just that four
people living here is such a strain on them.” She managed a small smile. “But
I’m sure you’ll come up with a plan for what to do next. You always do.”
Roman’s forced a smile across her full lips.
“It’s fine Lizzie. I promise you, I’m not worried about it
at all. I’ll find some way out of this. Perhaps I can get our old apartment
back. I’ll go and speak to Mr. Mason about it.” She nodded. “Yes. I’ll come up
with a plan, don’t you worry about me.”
But Ramona couldn’t come up with a plan. She had no practical
skills and without the money to pay Mr. Mason there was no chance of Ramona
returning to her old apartment and she knew it. Ramona watched as Elizabeth
stood, straightened her skirts, and smiled down at Ramona with pity in her
eyes.
She thinks I should have taken her advice and trained as
a governess or a maid, not a performer.
Ramona sighed. Elizabeth had told
her seven years ago that she was living with her head in the clouds when the
two of them were only twelve years old. Elizabeth and her parents had just
moved in across the hall, and Ramona had exposed her dreams of fame and fortune
to her new friend. Elizabeth hadn’t approved, and for the first time in her
life she believed Elizabeth had been right all along. Now that she was entirely
alone in the world, how was she going to support herself with nothing but a
dream to keep her warm?
***
Two nights later, as Ramona and Elizabeth prepared for bed,
Elizabeth asked “So, have you come up with a plan yet?”
Elizabeth’s face flushed red as she fluffed her pillow, and
Ramona wished she could embrace her and tell her that she didn’t blame her for
anything that was happening. She knew it wasn’t Elizabeth’s fault. Her parents
didn’t want Ramona to stay, and Ramona understood why. It was no one’s fault,
except perhaps her mother’s.
Even so
, thought Ramona,
I don’t hold it against Mother.
She was lonely and afraid of spending the rest of her life on her own. She
worked so hard to pay the bills, and it always seemed as though the money she
earned was never quite enough to cover our expenses, especially with all of my
dance and voice lessons. She wanted a better life, and I can’t blame her for
that. She had to leave me behind, and she knew I would manage somehow. And I
will. I will figure all of this out with God’s help.
In that moment Ramona felt a gentle peace filling her soul
as she forgave her mother for leaving her and let go of her worry about the
future.
God, please help me have wisdom to know what to do with
my life. I feel so alone, I don’t know where to turn. Show me the path I should
take.
Time was ticking. Ramona couldn’t stay in the apartment
much longer. She had tried to find a job, but just before Christmas wasn’t a
great time to be looking for one. Though she had combed the city, there seemed
to be no other places offering positions for young women such as her. But now, she
had come up with a plan of sorts. It wasn’t complete yet, just a partial plan
really. It had been bouncing around in her head for the past few days, and
she’d not been able to shake it out. Every time she tried to dismiss it to come
up with something better, she couldn’t, and the partial plan came creeping back
into her thoughts.
Standing at the window in Elizabeth’s bedroom, she stared
wistfully at the street below. The trees were bare now, and their blackened
trunks stood stark against a light coating of snow that had fallen across the
city like a shroud in the early hours of the morning. Candlelight drifted,
twinkling, out to the street from various windows in the surrounding buildings,
and the sound of bells jingling merrily on sleighs passing by on the street
carried up on the cold air to where she stood. Ramona reached over to the
dresser beside her and picked up a hat of Elizabeth’s that she’d always admired,
sitting it on her head jauntily.
“I think I will go to Austin. To Texas. To find my mother.”
Elizabeth stared at her with wide eyes. “But you’ve no idea
where she is. How on earth would you find her? And how will you get to Austin?
You don’t have any money. Travelling on your own is so dangerous, anything
could happen to you. Ramona, you ought to stay here in New York. Try again to
find work, there must be something for you here.”
“No, I’ve looked everywhere. There is no work available at
the moment, not for someone with no skills or experience. Lizzie, I know that
if I can just get to Texas and find Mother, everything will be all right.”
Ramona tilted her head and admired the hat in the mirror.
The red band around the base of the hat worked well with her complexion, and
the small feather tucked into the band looked elegant in the dim evening light.
“I’m sure that Mother only acted in haste. This man must
have tricked her into it. She was distressed about the idea of losing him and
being alone, that’s all. She couldn’t have been thinking clearly. She never
would have left me like she did if she had taken some time to think it through.
I know it. I’ll find her, and tell her I’ve forgiven her and just want to be
part of her life and everything will be okay again. I’m certain I will be able
to find work in Austin, and surely Mother’s new husband won’t object to having
me around now that they’re married. Maybe we could even move back here to New
York before spring time and everything can go back to how it was before Father
died.”
And I won’t miss my chance to audition for Broadway next
year. I won’t have to give up on all of my dreams, and we can be a family again.
“Besides,” Ramona said softly. “I miss her. Even if things
can’t return to normal, I have to at least try to find her. She is out there
somewhere missing me too. I’m sure she’s hoping that I’ll come.”
Elizabeth sighed. “And are you prepared to accept the truth,
even if it turns out to be different from what you’re imagining?”
Ramona took the hat off and placed it on the dark, sturdy
dresser. She straightened her hair in the mirror, then turned to face Elizabeth
who was examining her with a concerned look on her thin face.