Make My Heart Beat (16 page)

Making love to Connor last night after learning about his painful past was the culmination of a very long day. It felt so right to let go and give myself over to him again. My heart, body and soul really do belong to him and only him. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him in
it. Sure, I would survive. I survived the horrible trauma that was Matt, but my life wouldn’t be as full if I couldn’t share it with the one man who can build me up after I was so completely and utterly broken.

I am so totally in love with this man that there is no turning back. As much as his words hurt me, I can’t possibly conceive moving on without him. I don’t want to; I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget it, but we all make mistakes. After hearing
him on the phone with the man Connor has the most unfortunate luck to call his father, I honestly can’t blame him for some of his reactions. He's lived the past few years harboring guilt over the death of his sister, something he truly didn’t have much control over. Like I told him, he was drunk that night. He certainly couldn’t have driven Kaitlin home himself, and he can’t be held responsible for her choosing to get in a car with someone else who had been drinking. He was a dumb twenty year old who was thinking with his other head.

Looking back, I realize Connor had been dealing with harassment from his parents and he was trying to grieve for a sister he was never able to really say goodbye to. Without closure, you can never truly heal. When he needed me the most, I pushed and pushed, trying to get him to open a wound that was merely scabbed over, not healed. He escaped into the only source of numbing his pain he knew beyond me. In his alcohol-dazed mind, he made more of what he saw and he lashed out. Connor was so used to taking the brunt of all the blame he felt the need to hurt me as he much as he was hurting. His words were words born of pain and impaired judgment. Being drunk is by no means an excuse for his actions, but it explains it.

The fall was a tragic accident that happened while we were both throwing out words that can’t ever be taken back. We both said some hurtful things that night. We can either choose to wallow in that pain and guilt, or we can embrace the second chance we have and move on. Connor and I hare having a baby. I want this baby to have all the love and devotion we can give him or her.

~

My follow-up appointment this morning went well. Kim, Dr. Parsons, just told me to try to stay better hydrated and gave me some medicine to take in the morning if I continue with my morning nausea. Connor insisted on going with me. I think he is afraid to let me out of his sight. He kept telling me over and over again how scared he was when he got the call from Seth that I was in the ER on Friday. I know he wishes he would have been the one with me when everything happened, but Seth was great. I’m glad he and I had time to talk out some of our issues. I still think Seth and I have a long way to go to get our friendship back to where it was. I worry about him and Connor. I don’t want to come between them. They have been such good friends for so long.

Somehow I managed to talk Connor into letting me go back to my apartment by myself for a few hours to pack up some clothes. He really wants me to stay with him, so he can “keep an eye on me” and make sure I’m “doing as I’m told” by the doctors. It didn’t take much convincing from Connor to make me agree to stay with him, but I need to go back to my place so I can face Sly. Sly and I have never fought before. I’ve never chosen someone else’s side over his. I need to fix this. I just hope it’s not too late. Sly is one of the most important people in my life; I need him.

I’m sitting in the parking lot in front of my building looking up at my bedroom window on the fifth floor. I’m scared to go up there. I talked to Michelle on the phone this morning before my doctor’s appointment. She said Sly stayed at her place Friday and Saturday night, but went back to my apartment last night. That means he’s up there. Probably brooding and pissed. Michelle has known that Connor and I were starting to talk more and slowly try to work things out, but she didn’t say anything to Sly. She told me it was my place to tell him, and I am grateful she didn’t say anything. Throughout all of the phone calls and text conversations Sly and I have had over the last few weeks, I didn’t mention it. I knew he would be upset that Connor was even speaking to me, but I had hoped he would want me to be happy.

I called Daddy on the way here to tell him about my appointment and ask his advice on dealing with Sly. He just told me to be honest with him, and to follow my heart:

“You and Sly go way back. He looks at you like a sister. He is gonna be protective of you, Kara Lynae. You have a mighty strong head on your shoulders. I know that Connor loves you with every bit of himself. You need to tell Sly how you feel. If you really want to build a future with Connor, you are going to have to tell that to Sly. He may not be the most agreeable because he’s just as stubborn as you are, and he loves you to the moon and back, but you are gonna have to tell him what you want.”

Gathering all my courage, I make my way up to my front door. I let myself in, and I’m not surprised to see Sly sitting on the couch watching TV. He looks over his shoulder at me and then returns his attention to whatever program is on. I drop my purse off on the kitchen table and slowly walk into the living room.

“Hi.” I fold my legs under me as I sit on the opposite end of the couch.

“You finally figure out that shithead is no good for you, and come back here to cry?” Sly grunts.

I’m taken aback by his roughness. He’s never been so aggressive or mean towards me. Although, I guess my telling him to get out of the hospital room gives him the right to be pissed at me. But I deserve to be heard. Sly doesn’t know Connor like I do. He doesn’t know about Kaitlin and all the shit he’s had to go through.

I sit up straighter
, turning to face Sly. “Listen, I get you’re mad at me. And at Connor--”

Sly cuts me off with a growl. “Mad doesn’t even begin to cover it when it comes to Connor. He is an ass of epic proportions. He ripped your heart out. He could have killed you.”

“You don’t understand. We’ve talked. About everything,” I retort.

“I understand that you are stupid if you fall for whatever lies he shovels your way. I thought you were smarter than that.”

Tears start to prick my eyes. I hate this. I hate that I am fighting with my best friend.

“No, you don’t understand a damn thing, Sly. Connor has had a shit life. And you of all people should understand that having family that doesn’t stick around and believe in you can mess a person up!” I cry. “You had Gina to stand by you and love you, but when your dad walked out, I know it hurt you. Imagine having both of your parents treat you like shit!”

Sly moves closer to my side at the sight of my tears. He can’t stand to see me cry. He says it’s like his kryptonite. “Lynae. Shit! Don’t start with the tears. You know I can’t handle it when you cry.” He pulls me into his arms. “What are you talking about?”

I let him wrap his arm around my shoulders, but I pull back from him trying to settle me on his lap. “Connor blames himself for his sister’s death. So do his parents. He was upset and drunk. And I kept pushing him to tell me what was bothering him.” I sniffle. “I wouldn’t let it go. He got very, very drunk and thought he saw something he didn’t and took his anger out on me.”

“That doesn’t excuse his behavior.”

“I know that. I never said it did. All I’m saying is that he wasn’t in his right mind when he was saying all that. And he didn’t push me. It was an accident. A very bad accident,” I implore.

“You could have died.”

“But I didn’t. Like I said, that was an accident. And Connor and I have talked. I don’t think I can ever forget what happened, but I have forgiven him. If I can, you should be able to do the same. And it is for me to decide what to do. Connor and I are having a baby. I love him. I love him more than anything. He opened my heart to feel like I was worthy of love and intimacy.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks.

Sly sits silently beside me. I’m not sure what he’s thinking. He’s sitting there brooding and grinding his jaw.

“You deserve so much better than him, sweet cheeks. I love you, and I want you to be happy.” Sly tugs on my shoulder and pulls me closer to him.

I lean into Sly’s embrace. “I know you love me. I love you too. Connor is what is going to make me happy. Him and the baby.”

Sly sighs and leans his head back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t trust him.”

“But you should trust me. You’ve known me forever and a day.”

“I do trust you.”

“So listen to me when I tell you that you should give Connor a chance. He is going to be in my life. He is going to be part of my future. Don’t make me choose. That’s not fair.” I hope he doesn’t ask me to choose. That is an impossible decision. Choose between the man that has been my rock for so long, or the man I want in my future… not an option.

Sly picks his head back up and rests it on top of mine. “I love you too much to try to make you pick. I don’t trust him and I don’t like him.” He sighs. “If he ever, and I mean ever, hurts you in any way, I will kill him. I will rip him limb from limb and shove them each down his throat.”

“And that’s why I love you.” I sling my other arm around Sly and hug him tightly.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was so worried about the possibility of this irrevocably damaging
our friendship. I don’t know if I could have handled that. I’m glad that Sly has moved to Charleston. Hopefully having him here will help repair the giant gaping hole that divides him and Connor. I desperately want them to get along. Before everything happened, it really looked like they could have become great friends. I hope it isn’t too late.

I get up from the couch and head into my bedroom.

“Where are you going now?” Sly asks.

I look back over my shoulder. “I’m just packing up some clothes. I’m going to stay a few more days with Connor.” I smile weakly. The hurt look in Sly’s eyes tells me that he was hoping to spend some time with me. “He just wants to keep an eye on me since we had the scare with the baby.”

“And I can’t keep an eye on you? I’ll be living here for a while, you know. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of you.”

“I know that, hun. Connor and I are working on us right now. And to do that, we need to be together. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sly mumbles before heading into the guestroom. I think I hear him say “I just don’t want to lose my best friend” on his way through the door.

I follow him into the room and watch as he flops onto the bed face down. Sitting down beside him, I rub his back. Sly turns his face to look at me.

“You’re not going to lose me. I will always be your girl. I will always love you.” I squeeze his shoulder.

Sly rolls over on his side so that he is facing me completely. “Lynae, I always knew there would be someone to come along and sweep you off your feet and then you would live happily ever after. I wanted the fairytale for you. Not this crazy broken road that you seem to have taken.”

“Life isn’t all fairytales and rainbows, Sly. I know that. I’ve lived it. It’s taken me so long to get over it. It may be a broken road that has gotten me here, but I’m here all the same.” I lie down next to Sly. “You’ve always been my knight in shining armor riding into protect me from everything. You’ve always been there to catch me when I fall, and I know that you always will be there. But I have Connor now and I want to make things work with him.”

Sly lets out a sigh. “I get it
, baby girl. I do. It's just going to take some time for me to forgive him. And get used to the idea of you not needing me as much.” He leans forward and kisses my forehead. “I’ll see you later this week?”

“Yeah. I’m going to stay at Connor’s this week, but this weekend, you and I need a day. I’ve missed you, and I really am glad you’ve moved out here.”

“Me too. I get to see you whenever I want to, and things with Michelle are going really well. I wanna see where this goes.” Sly gets a wistful look in his eyes when he mentions my other best friend.

“I’m so happy for you two. It’s been a long time coming for you to get your heads out of your asses.” I nudge him before sitting back up on the bed.

I get up and head to my room to gather my things as I hear him let out a little laugh. I hope I’ve reassured Sly that he isn’t losing me. He could never lose me. He means too much to me for me to ever want our friendship to end. I know things are going to be rough between him and Connor for a while; I just hope they can move past all of this.

I hate that Lynae went back to work a couple days ago. I want to keep her here all day long. That way I can go upstairs and see her, hold her and kiss her anytime I want to. Falling asleep and waking up with her in my arms is something I never imagined I’d be able to have again. I love her more than anything in this world.

We’ve talked more about Kaitlin. I’ve told her everything. Every painful detail and every hurtful word my parents have thrown at me. After letting it all out, it feels as if a giant weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel like I can completely breathe. I’m beginning to accept that I can’t hold myself fully responsible for losing Kaitlin. I still think I will always carry some guilt. I shouldn’t have been thinking with my dick, but I can’t change the fact that she chose to leave with Rob. I wish my last words to her weren’t a drunken brush off, but I can’t change that. I can only pray that Kaitlin knows how much I love her and miss her. Lynae insists that she does. She tells me that I should talk to her, and that she talks to her mom all the time. I guess I will try one day. I’m not ready to go there yet.

I’m sitting at the kitchen island fixing myself some lunch when I hear the door open behind me. “Hey man, got a minute to talk?” Seth asks.

Seth and I are still warming back up to each other. Our friendship is still there, but we seem to be teetering around the elephant in the room. Lynae. “Yeah, what’s up?” I set the bread and knife down. I still feel like causing him physical pain when I think about the time he got to spend with Lynae while she wasn’t talking to me, but I have to remember that she’s mine. We are together and she loves me. Nothing is going to change that.

Seth pulls out the barstool next to me and leans his elbows on the counter. “How’s Lynae and Jellybean doing?”

Okay, that’s the second time he’s referred to jellybean, whatever that is. “Lynae is fine, she’s at work. She’ll be home in a few hours,” I respond as Seth nods his head. “Who is Jellybean exactly?”

Seth smiles and looks down. “Oh. I, um... That’s sorta what Lynae and I’ve been calling the baby,” he says meekly. “I got confused about what candy and shit she’s obsessed with and, well, I just started calling the baby Jellybean since it doesn’t have a name yet.”

I’m not sure I like the idea that Seth and Lynae had been sharing this special bonding shit about my baby, but there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I look up at the picture from the latest ultrasound on the fridge and I notice that it does look like a little jellybean. I would have thought 'peanut' or some shit like that, but I can see where they got the name.

“The baby is fine. The ultrasounds on Friday and Saturday looked good. She doesn’t get another for a couple months yet.”

“Are we cool, Connor?”

I take a deep breath and let it out. “As long as we are clear that you aren’t going to try to come between me and my girl, we’re cool.”

“Look, I never meant to move in on her. I don’t think I even realized I was doing it. I can’t help how I feel about her, but I swear I’m not gonna interfere. I can tell how much she’s in love with you. As much I as I want to, I’m won’t act on my feelings for Lynae.” Seth runs his hand through his hair. “I just want to get back to the way things were. I want my friend back.”

“Oh lawd. Are we having a Lifetime movie moment here?” Marcus comes into the kitchen, laughing. “Did I miss the big heartfelt hug?” He starts clapping his hands. “Cue the slow applause!”

I roll my eyes at Marcus and see Wade standing in the doorway of the stairwell laughing so hard he has tears coming out of his eyes. Seth grunts and shoves away from the bar and flips them off. “Fuck off, you bastards.”

Wade moves to stand in front of us and clasps both of us on the shoulder. “No, man. It’s time for the group hug! I want in on this!” And he drags us in.

I can’t help but laugh at Wade. I give Wade as much of a manly back slap hug as I can in the position he has pulled me into. It feels like all the tension that had been building up has broken.

“Yeah, dude. We’re all good,” I say to Seth.

Wade steps back and then walks to plop down on the couch. “So, I’m glad you and Seth finally got your shit together. I was sick of pussyfooting around everything,” he calls out. “We can get back to the way things were. Get our asses back on stage.”

I never thought to think about how the rift between us was affecting everyone else. Shameful Regret hasn’t performed in weeks. I’ve been cancelling our scheduled sets because my heart just wasn’t in it and I knew I wouldn’t be able to deliver my best performance. I didn’t want to deal with being on stage and not seeing Lynae out there watching me. Even though there are tons of girls out there trying to get our attention, when my sweetness is there, she's all I could see. All I wanted to see.

“Yeah, we need to call Rich and see when he can get us squeezed into Metro’s schedule or see what other clubs we can get booked.” I look at Marcus as I move into the living room to join Wade. He’s usually the one that handles the business end of the band. He’s got the mind and the smooth talking abilities to get us the best days and fees.

Marcus and Seth make their way into the living room as well. Seth plops down on the floor and sprawls out while Marcus claims his usual spot in the beat up recliner next to the couch.

“So, when is Nae gonna be back? I haven’t seen her since Friday afternoon,” Marcus says.

The guys, other than Wade, haven’t hung out at the apartment in the afternoons. I’ve been telling them that Lynae needed her rest and that she would be tired after working all day. To be honest, I just wanted her to myself. Wade and Gabbi usually disappeared into his room after dinner the one night he stayed here, or just went back to Gabbi’s. Takeout is getting old, and I know that kind of processed food can’t be good for Lynae or the baby, but I haven’t let her cook. She texted me this morning that she was going to the store to pick up some stuff to make stir-fry tonight because she wanted a “home-cooked” meal for a change.

“She’ll be back in a few hours. Stubborn woman wants to go to the store before she gets home.”

Wade perks up at the mention of the word 'store.' “Is she finally gonna cook for us again?” he asks like a kid that just heard the ice cream truck. “I swear, that’s the worst thing that has come out of you two breaking up.”

Shit. Him not getting fed is the worst thing? Fuck no. Having my heart ripped out and handed to me on a platter, feeling like my very reason for living and breathing was taken from me… now that’s the worst thing. “She ain’t cooking for you dumb asses.”

My phone chimes in my pocket alerting me of a text:

Lynae: Hey baby. Are the guys gonna be home for dinner tonight? Leaving work now and stopping off at Walmart. Need to make sure I’m picking up enough. Love you.

I shake my head. Of course she would want to try to take care of us. The last two days have been the best she’s felt, according to her, since the start of the pregnancy. I really just want her to come home, put her feet up and let me order out again. I want to take care of her. But I know she won’t agree to that. Once she gets a thought in her head, she sticks to it.

Me: I want to say no and keep you all to myself, but they were actually just talking about how much they miss your cooking. Love you too, sweetness.

“Speak of the sexy devil.” I say to the guys. “Sweetness is on her way home. And she asked if y’all were gonna stick around for dinner. Guess you get your wish, Wade.” I smile, thinking about the fact that she referred to my place as home. I want her to move in with me. I know it’s probably a little too fast for her, but I want her here all the time. I’m going to marry this woman. I won’t take “no” for an answer.

A series of “hell yeahs” are the response I get. I go back to the kitchen to finish making my sandwich and eat it quickly. I need to return to the garage downstairs so I can get the rest of the work done so I can be up here helping Lynae when she gets home. If she is going to be cooking for these idiots, I’m not going to make her do it alone. I don’t want her wearing herself out.

~

The sound of female laughter fills my kitchen as Gabbi and Lynae work on cleaning up the dishes from dinner. They're talking about their day at work and I have no clue what the hell any of it means.

“Yeah, and the tach was incessant. I swear every single time I hit the pace button, it showed up,” Lynae says while she rinses a plate before putting it in the dishwasher.

Gabbi giggles. “I kept telling Travis to quit fucking around and just burn the damn pathway. It was obviously AVNRT.”

“I know! Any idiot could see that. He just wanted to play with the new mapping system some more.”

Wade walks up behind the girls and wraps his arms around their shoulders. “You know, when you use all that medical speak, it does things to me,” and he thrusts his hips between them.

“Wade!” Lynae shrieks and slaps him on the chest. “You are horrible!” She giggles. “I don’t know what Gabbi sees in you!”

“Oh, I can show you, baby.” He reaches down for the buckle on his belt. “I don’t think your man would approve though.”

I quickly run into the kitchen and grab Lynae carefully around the waist and carry her back to the living room. “You keep your junk away from my woman!” I growl at him. I know he’s only kidding. But I wouldn’t put it past him to actually whip his dick out, Wade is a perv.

Lynae is giggling and Gabbi is scolding Wade. It's finally starting to feel like it was before everything went to shit and I fucking love it.

When I set Lynae back down on her feet she spins in my arms and stands up on her tiptoes to kiss my chin. “I love you, baby.”

“I love you too.” I kiss her nose. “You go sit down and put your feet up. I’ll finish cleaning.”

Lynae gives me that sweet smile that can melt my heart and turns to go sit on the couch with Seth. I watch them curiously. They didn’t talk much during dinner, but they seemed a little more at ease with each other. Lynae curls up in the corner of the couch facing Seth and he scoots closer to her. She reaches out her hand and he takes it, squeezes it briefly, then lets go.

“I’m glad you and Connor are working things out. He needs you,” I hear Seth tell her. “Are we okay?”

“Yeah, I want us to be okay. You were really becoming one of my best friends. I don’t want to lose that.” She smiles at him. “I do love you
, Seth. I want you to know that. Just not the way I love Connor.”

“I know that, babe.” Seth’s voice sounds a little thick with emotion. “Now, your man said to put your feet up, so be a good little girl and do as you’re told.” He clears his throat before getting up off the couch and arranging a pillow under Lynae’s feet and propping them up.

Marcus comes to stand beside me and bumps my shoulder. “Things are going to be fine. They're just friends. I think she needs us as much as we need her,” he says, referring to them and her. She does need to have their friendship. They have shown her that not all guys are total douchebags and she can trust them. These guys have been my family for so long, and I am planning on Lynae becoming a permanent part of my family as well.