Making Choices (Black Shamrocks MC Book 2) (34 page)

She also made the choice to keep the baby without me pushing her too much.

That has to mean something?

“Penny for your thoughts, Lucas?” JJ’s quiet voice scares the shit out of me, and I flinch like a little bitch. Rolling over in my arms, she presses kisses against my chest.

I can’t answer her. These bullshit tears will fall if I try.

“You’re shaking,” she breathes her worried words against my shoulder. “What’s wrong? Did someone get hurt while you were gone?”

Fuck. She knows I was gone.

Shaking my head hoping it will shut her up, I clench my jaw to make the tears go away. It makes my teeth hurt, but they still won’t fuck off. I am
not
going to cry.

I didn’t cry back then.

I’m not fucking crying about it now.

Sitting up, she switches on the bedside lamp before I can stop her, shock widening her eyes when she sees my expression.

“Lucas, talk to me, please. You’re scaring me.”

Shaking my head again, I knock her onto her back before she can question me. Crawling over her, I wrap my hand around her neck, squeezing tight. Wrenching her legs apart, I thrust two fingers into her. She makes that little sound that lets me know she’s becoming aroused, even if she’s not all the way there yet.

Fucking her with my fingers, I take my frustrations out on her body. I don’t want to cry like a fucking girl anymore—instead, I’m hard as a rock and ready to fuck. Biting her nipple, I squeeze her throat tighter when she starts screaming hoarsely from the pain of my teeth. Using my superior size, I force my hips between her thighs and jam my cock into her. Her back arches when I fill her with the first thrust.

Pumping into her, my eyes roll back in my head when she clenches tight around me, her pussy trying to draw me further into her delectable little body.

Her fingernails drawing blood on the back of my hand brings me back down to earth. My eyes fly open when she scratches my chest. She’s not enjoying this, she’s fighting with every bit of strength she has. Trying to dislodge me as she fights to breathe.

Letting go of her throat, I pull out of her body in a rush.

“Fuck, JJ.” 

Coughing as she holds her neck, she scrambles away from me. She’s scared of me—her eyes wide, the pupils dilated.

“Doll, I’m fucking sorry. I didn’t realize.” I grab her ankle to pull her back to me, but she kicks my hand.

“Stay away from me. You’re crazy. You tried to kill me.”

My heart leaps into my mouth at her accusation.

“No.” I deny it even as my mind runs back over what just happened, not sure I’m telling the truth.

I didn’t intend to hurt her; I merely needed an outlet for my pain.

I didn’t want to talk about Amy.

I didn’t want to cry in front of her.

I didn’t want her to know how fucked up I am.

“Juliette.” I hold my hands in the air. “Come here.
Please
. Let me make sure you’re okay.”

Shaking her head, she pulls the covers against her chest, hiding her body from me.

Her eyes fill with tears—her broken heart spilling down her cheeks, smashing my heart to smithereens with it.

“Take me home. I don’t want you anymore.”

That’s it. The words that break me. The ones I’ve been waiting for since the first time I admitted to myself she was so much more than somewhere to stick my hard dick. 

“No,” I say again, my voice breaking. The tears I fought off before return, this time twice as bad. There’s no way I can stop them.

Crawling over to her, I take every blow she directs my way until I’ve wrapped myself around her. I pull her arms around my neck, and sit her on my lap facing me, her legs around my waist.

Holding her to me, my body shakes as the sorrow I’ve held inside for eight years erupts from my eyes. Nestling my face in the soft spot where her pulse beats in her throat, I cry.

I cry for the baby who never made it into this world, cruelly denied life by the person who should have loved it the most.

The baby I never got to know because I didn’t fight hard enough for it.

Most of all, I cry for the woman who I hate with every part of me. The woman who killed that baby when she sat in her expensive car, in her fancy fucking garage, and breathed the carbon monoxide that filled the air until she died, taking our child with her.

“You need to talk about it, Lucas. Let me in. Please?”

Shame floods me. I shouldn’t be putting this on her, not after what I just did to her.

“Don’t get mad again, but Mad Dog’s told me most of it.” Her body stiffens as she waits for me to lash out. Her fear makes me feel like an absolute cunt.

It’s going to take a long time to fix what I did tonight.

“Doll, I fucking guarantee you he didn’t tell you most of it.”

She shrugs, not believing me. I know he didn’t tell her most of it because he told me what he told her so I was prepared. He told her most of the bullshit version that everyone but him, Maddi, and my parents believe.

“Tell me all of it, then. I love you. I want to help you.”

Rearranging her, I lean against the wall with my woman cradled to my chest. I wipe my sticky face with my free hand.

Fuck this crying shit.
A bloody headache pounds behind my eyes, just enough to piss me off, yet nowhere near as painful as the ache gripping my chest. It’s feels like my heart can’t take a full beat, it’s being squeezed tight in a vice of pain and regret that restricts it movements.

“Mad Dog told you about me and Amy. How she didn’t want her parents to know she was dating a biker? That she said I was a university student with her?”

Nodding, she threads her fingers through mine.

“Well, when she fell pregnant, I cracked the shits with her constant lies. Went around to their fancy house while she was at university. Told them the truth. That I was a Black Shamrock. That I always would be. That I loved their daughter, and that we were going to be parents. Up until that moment, I’d gotten on well with her dad. I thought telling him the truth wouldn’t change anything. I was a fucking idiot.”

Closing my eyes, I remember the feeling of planting my fist in his face after he called me a loser, a no-good piece of shit.

“We had a fight, and he called the cops on me. He was a big-shot property developer. I was a prospect in an outlaw MC, so I got locked up for assault. They took out a restraining order that kept me away from their house—and Amy. I wasn’t allowed within one hundred meters of her. Not that she wanted to see me.
She was pissed
. Had one of her friends deliver a message saying that I was only a bet that got out of control. That she never loved me.”

The sharp intake of breath JJ takes tells me everything I need to know about her feelings for me. She might have said she was done with me, but she’s not.

She’s hurting
for me
. Squeezing her hand, I kiss her ear.

“I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. I’m fucked up.”

“Aren’t we all?” She sniffles, and I rock her for a few seconds. I toy with the idea of not finishing my story, but I push forward. I’ll tell her
once
so she goes into this with her eyes open, but that’s it. Never again.

“I didn’t believe her. I’m not stupid. I know when a woman’s into me. Anyway, I kept chasing her. Going to the campus. Trying to go to the doctor’s appointments. Kept getting arrested for breaking the restraining order. My parents were ready to kill me. They didn’t know how to help. Dad spoke to Beast, and he took me under his wing. Taught me how to channel my anger into other people’s pain. Once I had an outlet, I calmed down a bit.”

Thinking back over some of the shit Beast taught me fucks with my head. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that the man who mentored me, molded me into the biker I am today, has fucked everything up so epically.

Knowing I’m getting to the fucked-up part, I run my fingers through JJ’s smooth red locks. Her hair feels like the softest silk between my fingers, calming me enough to continue.

“She let me go to the eighteen-week ultrasound. It was the first time I saw the baby. We couldn’t tell, for sure, whether it was a boy or girl because they couldn’t get the right angle. The doc said he thought it was a boy, but he couldn’t be sure until the next scan. I
just knew
it was a boy. I said I wanted to name him Kaden Quinn. Kaden after my brother who died, and Quinn for my pop. Amy seemed to like it. Everything felt right, you know? We were getting along, laughing together. I felt good. She even let me have a picture.”

Shrugging, I try not to think about how I felt that day. About the plans for the future that I’d starting making the moment I saw his little arms and legs kicking around inside of her.

“She had paperwork. Adoption paperwork. Her parents wanted her to give the kid up when it was born. I said I’d take him if she didn’t want him but that wasn’t good enough. We fought about it, and she ended up running out of the doctor’s office to her parents. They’d been waiting in the car for her. The only reason I was allowed to be at the appointment was to sign the papers. When I refused, they had me arrested again.”

“Oh, Lucas. I’m so sorry.” Snuggling into me, her arms pulling me close, it feels like she’s trying to absorb my pain for me.

“Doll, you might wanna save that sympathy. It’s gets fucking worse.”

“God. I don’t know if I want to know, anymore.”

“Too late to back out now.” I laugh at her stricken expression. Not with humor, but because she looks how I feel; shell shocked, and uncertain about going on. “When my parents bailed me out, I told them what happened. Dad took me to a lawyer, and we tried to fight for custody. Her parents were worried about me wanting their money. I didn’t give a fuck about their money. I just wanted my kid.”

She nods, understanding in her eyes. She’s finally getting why I freaked out the other night about her getting rid of our kid.

“I know how much pressure I was under, so I can’t imagine what it was like for Amy. She was pregnant, trying the finish her last year of university. Her parents were assholes, but back then I didn’t care. She was my enemy. I hated her. I still hate her.”

“Damn, Lucas. That’s harsh. She might have stopped you from seeing your child, but I can see it from her point of view. I know what it’s like to have parents like hers. Since you didn’t sign the adoption papers, surely you’ve been able to see your child since it was born?”

When she defends Amy, my temper sparks, and then burst into flames. Gigantic licks of flames that try to burn me alive.

Not again.

I thought JJ understood me?

Jumping from the bed, I move toward the door. I need to get away from her.

Instead of leaving through it like I thought I was going to, I punch it. My fist leaves a hole, but it’s not enough. Pounding the door over and over until it swings open, I rip it off its hinges and break it over my knee, throwing the pieces on the ground.

Watching JJ cower on the bed, I slump to my knees on the floor, hands tearing at my hair.

“Don’t you get it? She didn’t have the baby. She killed her fucking self
and
my baby. Gassed herself to death in her car. Left a fucking note blaming me, saying that I left her with no choice because I wouldn’t agree to the adoption.”

For the third time tonight, my emotions get the better of me. Tears leak from my eyes once more, but this time, I let her see them. If she wants to blame me for what Amy did, she can.

“Oh, Lucas, I’m so sorry. God, that’s horrible. I had no idea.” Her words are choked as her own tears fall. Wrapping the covers around her shoulders, she approaches me on the floor with caution. “I don’t know what to say.”

Her hands in my hair, she hugs me to her as Maddi and Mad Dog burst into the room, followed by half the fucking Club.

Mad Dog takes one look at me and shouts at everyone trying to crowd the room, “Fuck off! All of ya. I’ve got it.”

They all leave in a hurry, not wanting to rock the boat.

“Fuck, brother, you all right?”

“Nope,” I spit the word at him, like this mess is his fault. He ignores my anger, picking up the pieces of the door and throwing them in the hallway. Standing with his arms across his chest, he surveys the rest of the damage.

Maddi drops to her knees and puts her arms around me and JJ. Her eyes shine with sympathy and understanding, making me feel like a bigger asshole.

Now she’s upset as well.

I’m batting one hundred percent tonight.

“He told you about Amy?” she whispers to JJ, who nods. “The baby?”

JJ nods again, pulling me to her tighter. Her shoulders shake as she cries.

I’m cried out. Whoever said it’s cathartic to get shit off your chest doesn’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about. All this sharing shit does is stir up the past and make you hurt even more.

“You did the right thing, Timber,” Maddi tells me, smoothing my hair with her hand. “You two will be fine now that you’ve told her. We all love you. Remember that.”

Laying a soft kiss on my forehead, she pats JJ’s shoulder before pulling her into a bear hug.

“He’s all yours now, JJ. Look after him for me. If you need to talk, I’m here. Anytime.”

My heart clenches at her words, and I know it’s the end.

This is it. Time to man up.

No more Maddi to prop me up.

No more Maddi to use as an excuse for not getting on with my life.

It’s all JJ from now on.

“I’m sorry I was a bitch. I understand what you were saying now,” JJ whispers. Her words don’t make sense to me, but they make Maddi smile.

“Good.” She laughs as she gets to her feet and lets Mad Dog wrap his arms around her waist. “Now we can be friends.”

JJ laughs at her statement. Mad Dog breaking into laughter as well.

I haven’t a fucking clue what they’re all laughing about, but I don’t give a fuck.

I laugh too.

Because I’m thankful that I have these three in my life, even if life turns to shit sometimes.