Authors: Tawna Fenske
“Exactly,” Alex said. “So we let her play pirate for a while until we figure out what she’s up to.”
Jake pounded a fist on the table, sloshing orange juice onto Cody’s linen place mat. “No! She can’t be a pirate! She doesn’t even look like a pirate!”
Alex stopped chewing and eyed Jake, chubby and seething in his mint green polo shirt. “A worthy consideration.”
“She’s not in the plans,” Jake argued. “How will we divide the diamonds?”
Alex sighed. “We’re getting ahead of ourselves here. Maybe she’ll get bored or seasick and want off tomorrow or the next day. Maybe she just wants to dump her uncle’s ashes and go home. Maybe we’ll find out she’s an escaped mental patient.”
“Or a cop,” Jake muttered.
“In which case we’ll have a chance to check her out and discover that
before
we dump her off for the authorities to rescue,” Phyllis pointed out. “I’m with Alex on this one. Sorry, Jake.”
Jake glowered at her. Phyllis glared back, then turned her attention to steering the boat.
“So what would she do?” Cody asked. “We all have to have jobs on the pirate ship, and I’ve got the cooking covered. And Phyllis deals with the computers and navigation and stuff, and you and Jake handle the boat most of the time. What does Juli do for a living?”
Alex shrugged, trying to ignore the fact that he was growing increasingly worried about that very thing. “Her occupation is apparently something of a mystery.”
“She could scrub the poop deck,” Cody suggested as he carried two glasses of orange juice over to Jake and Phyllis.
Alex closed his eyes. “There’s no poop deck. But you’re right, she could be in charge of cleaning. That’s something we’d planned to split among the group. She could do that.”
Jake shook his head, his expression grim. “I can’t believe you’re even considering this.”
“What choice do we have, Jake? We can’t make her leave if she refuses. Not without doing her bodily harm.”
“So?”
Alex leveled him with a look. “Despite your efforts to be an evil pirate, Jake, I’m not buying it. You used to dig the poinsettias out of the trash every year after Christmas and nurse them back to health. You’re not going to harm a person.”
“Especially not a cute one,” Cody piped.
Jake frowned and looked away. “Fine. But I still don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit. Seriously, Alex. This could ruin everything.”
“This is temporary,” Alex assured him. “Remember, we identified islands at several places along our course where we could stop in case of emergency. We can still dump her off if we need to. For now, it just makes sense to keep her close.”
Jake grunted but stayed silent, clearly trying to think of a way out of this. Alex glanced at Phyllis, who seemed deep in thought.
“Phyllis, how long do you think it’ll take to do that background check?”
“Once the Internet is back up? Not long at all. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong with it pretty soon. A couple hours maybe?”
“Okay,” Alex said, nodding. “In the meantime, we tell her nothing. No details about who we worked for, where we’re going, what we’re after—nothing. Just let her play along with the pirate fantasy. Agreed?”
The other heads nodded. Alex looked to the only other female on board. “Phyllis, you haven’t said much. Are you okay with Juli staying for now?”
She was quiet for a moment, and Alex wasn’t even sure she’d heard him.
“She doesn’t seem so bad,” Phyllis said finally. “I think she should stay. And Cody’s right. She can scrub the poop deck.”
Alex gritted his teeth. “For the last time, there’s no—”
“Isn’t my shift up?” Phyllis interrupted with a quick glance over her shoulder. “I was just supposed to cover breakfast, right?”
“Right,” Alex said, not sure he was following the swing in conversation. “Jake’s up next.”
“Okay,” Phyllis said, looking flushed. “So that settles it.”
“So we’re all good?” Alex asked. “Juli stays?”
“Juli stays,” Cody said, delighted as a boy permitted to keep a stray kitten.
“She stays,” agreed Phyllis with a brisk nod.
“Fine,” Jake muttered, spooning sautéed grains into his mouth with one hand as he grabbed the controls with the other. “It would have taken too long to find that damn island anyway.”
“Okay then,” Alex said, surveying the crew. “Who wants to tell her?”
“Let me,” Phyllis said. “I’ll do it.”
Alex eyed her, trying to figure how Phyllis had gone from plotting to throw Juli overboard to apparent eagerness to keep her around. “Why the change of heart, Phyllis?”
Phyllis straightened the yellow bandana on her head and shrugged. “It’s—um—it’s a girl thing.”
“A girl thing?”
“Right,” she said, pushing past him on her way toward Juli’s cabin. “I need to borrow—um—female products.”
“Oh,” Alex said, still confused. “Okay then. You go do that.”
“Thanks. I will. We’ll talk about girl stuff and do girl things.”
Alex nodded. “Have fun with that.”
***
Juli was refolding her favorite black thong when she heard a knock at the door.
“Come in, Captain Alex,” she called, stuffing the panties into her knapsack. “Door’s unlocked.”
But it wasn’t Alex at the door. It was Phyllis, so tense she looked electrified.
“Phyllis,” Juli said, straightening up. “Good morning. It’s nice to see you. Did you sleep well?”
“Yes,” Phyllis replied, looking everywhere but at Juli. She picked up a shoe, then set it down, her eyes darting around the room. “I slept well. And you?”
“Great, great. No seasickness in the night, so that’s good.”
“Yes, very good. Very good. Very good indeed.”
Juli eyed her uncertainly. Had Alex sent Phyllis to give her bad news? To say she wouldn’t be allowed to join them on their pirate mission?
Okay, admittedly it was a dumb stunt she’d pulled. Wasn’t Dr. Gordon always saying she needed to work on her social skills? Obviously this was what he meant. Well, he hadn’t specifically said anything about not dressing like a pirate and threatening men she wanted to sleep with, but that was probably the general idea.
She’d been mostly joking when she’d accused Alex of being a pirate. It had seemed funny at the time. She just really wanted to stay with them out here, to be a part of whatever they were doing.
And she’d wanted to see him smile. She craved it.
She sure as hell hadn’t expected him to react the way he had.
But there was something going on with these guys, and the pirate thing did have a certain plausibility. Whatever was happening here, she wanted to be a part of it.
Juli tried again, hoping to get Phyllis to relax. “So was the stateroom everything you thought it would be?”
“The room is fine.”
“Did you have breakfast?”
“Yes.”
“Did Cody make something really amazing?”
“Yes.”
“You going to watch more
Olympic Steeplechase Highlights
videos today?”
“I already did.”
“Okay then.”
Juli waited a moment, keeping a wary eye on the steely blonde. She looked like a muscular albino rabbit, minus the pink eyes and cottontail. Phyllis fiddled with a corner of the quilt, her fingers twisting the fabric in a knot. The quilt began to fray, releasing a puff of stuffing.
Juli couldn’t take it anymore. The sympathy stress was making her eyeballs hurt.
“Why are you here, Phyllis?”
Phyllis looked up. She bit her lip. “I want to talk to Jake.”
Juli frowned. “Jake’s not in here.”
“No,
talk
to Jake. Not just about boats and work and things like that.”
“Right,” Juli said, beginning to grasp the situation. “Talk. Like—
talk
.”
“Exactly,” Phyllis said, looking unsure. “Last night at dinner, you seemed to understand that—”
“You’ve got the hots for Jake,” Juli finished, trying hard not to grin. It was clear this was uncomfortable territory for Phyllis. “Of course.”
Phyllis’s pale skin went two shades lighter. “Is it that obvious?”
“Not to the men. They’re oblivious.”
Her relief was palpable. “The thing is, I’ve worked with Jake for years. But it wasn’t until we started this mission a couple weeks ago that I really started to think that maybe—”
“You want to jump his bones,” Juli supplied.
Phyllis winced. “Right. Well, so what do I do about that? I mean, besides feeding him dinner. That was good, I mean, but I need to do more than that. And I don’t have much experience with this sort of thing.”
“With flirting?”
“With men in general. Except my workout partners. And you seem like you probably know a lot about men.”
Juli grimaced. Obviously she wasn’t doing so hot with Alex these last couple days. Even before that, her love life wasn’t anything to write home about. She was thirty-seven years old, never married, no serious man in her life. She knew the reasons for it, but that didn’t make it much easier to deal with.
But here was Phyllis, looking at her like she expected Juli to be some sort of love guru. Juli studied her, considering.
“I’m really no expert,” Juli said. “I mean, asking me for advice is like the blind leading the blind. Not that I’m suggesting you’re blind, but—”
“You’re so pretty. And you seem to know things about men.
Know
things. Like that Jake would want some extra guacamole with his quesadillas last night.”
“Right. Yes, that is unparalleled insight into the male psyche.”
“Please?”
Juli bit her lip. “So in the years you’ve worked with Jake, have you ever had any indication how he feels about you?”
Phyllis considered this. “Three years ago he offered to share his bag of microwave popcorn. Only I said no because the fumes in microwave popcorn can give you lung cancer.”
“Okay, well, that’s good. I think. Maybe you need to start with the basics.”
“Basics?”
“Well, unless you want to just show up naked in his cabin and crawl into bed with him.”
Phyllis turned a little green. “No. Unless you think that’s best? Oh, but he’s bunking with Cody.”
“I was kidding about that. Sorry, dumb joke.”
Phyllis watched her without smiling, and Juli cringed at the thought of offering love advice to anyone—even Phyllis.
“Tell you what,” Juli said, folding her pirate pants into her knapsack and zipping it up. “Let me watch you guys for a little while and assess the situation. That’s assuming I’m staying. Did Alex happen to bring up the subject?”
“Oh, that,” Phyllis said with a dismissive wave of one hand. “Yes. He said you know we’re pirates. He said we’re not dumping you on the island.”
Juli stared at her for a few beats. “Oh. Pirates. Okay, well that’s a relief.” She paused, regrouping. “So you won’t throw me overboard or leave me for dead on a tropical island. And I’ll do my best to help you get together with Jake.”
“Right. Get together.”
Phyllis looked down at the quilt again, her cheeks crimson beneath her white-blonde hair. Juli watched, struck by the peculiar color contrast, not to mention the strangeness of being asked for advice by a woman she was pretty sure could bench-press her.
Juli cleared her throat. “Is something else bothering you, Phyllis?”
Phyllis shook her head slowly. Then she changed course and nodded. “It’s just—like I said, I’m not very experienced with men.”
“Uh-huh.”
“But see, this thing with Jake—it’s giving me these urges. Like
urges
, you know?” Phyllis scratched a spot on one leg. “But I don’t know what to do about it. And I don’t want to be too forward, but I just really,
really
want Jake. Bad. And it’s hard to concentrate on the mission with all these
urges
. But I just don’t know what to do.”
Juli tried not to grimace, picturing balding, scowling Jake as a man who could ignite such desire in a woman. And honestly, why was Phyllis talking to
her
about it?
Phyllis covered her face with her hands and sat down on the edge of the bed. Juli gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder, considering an appropriate response.
Clearly, Phyllis was distressed. And clearly, Phyllis was a woman in need. Juli bit her fingernail, considering how very desperate Phyllis must be to be counting on
her
as an authority on sex and romance.
“Well,” Juli said slowly, “I don’t think you should jump Jake right away. I know you have
urges
and all, but I’m not sure a quickie is the right solution just yet.”
“So what do I
do
?” The final note came out as a wail, and Juli scooted back in case she turned violent. “I feel like I’m going to
explode
or something!”
“Um, well,” Juli tried. “You do have a private room. Can’t you just—um—take matters into your own hands?”
Phyllis frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Right. Uh, maybe there’s one of those handheld shower massagers around here or something?”
Phyllis’s eyes flew so wide Juli braced herself to catch an eyeball if it went rolling.
“Or not,” Juli amended. “I’m sure there are a lot of good books you could read or crossword puzzles to solve or dumbbells to lift? Plenty of things to take your mind off your, um,
urges
.”
“A vibrator,” Phyllis said thoughtfully, getting to her feet again. “I’ve never had one of those.”
“Oh. Well, the odds aren’t good you’ll find one out here if you didn’t happen to bring it. But you can probably mail-order something when you get back to land. In the meantime, why don’t we focus on the essentials?”
“The essentials,” Phyllis repeated, looking perplexed.
“You do whatever you need to do to, um, keep yourself from getting too distracted by your
urges
,” she said. “And I’ll pay attention to your interactions with Jake and will offer whatever advice I can.”
Phyllis nodded a little shakily. “Okay.”
“And you won’t throw me to the sharks,” Juli added. “It’s almost like we’re friends.”
“Friends,” Phyllis agreed, trying the word on for size. “Yes. That sounds nice. I don’t have any girlfriends.”