Maldeamores (Lovesick) (Heightsbound #0.5) (16 page)

I’m too weak to resist him. I don’t know how to say no. When will my life get easier? The stress is destroying me. I don’t even know how to want anybody else.

When will I ever be freed from this sickness? When will love stop feeling like a curse?

I leave early in the morning and Mami cries when I tell her.

“Please reconsider,
mi vida
, the snow is coming down hard,” she says as she helps me pack my suitcase.

“I can’t be around Luciano, Mom, it’s breaking my heart.”

Mami sniffs and nods and folds up my pants. Maybe she really does understand after all. She doesn’t accuse me of being dirty or inappropriate or anything. She just tells me she loves me and tries to make me take a wad of cash. She pulls it down from the flour tin on top of the kitchen cabinet, pressing it into my hand and nodding, “
S
í
, Belén, toma
.”

“I don’t need it, Mom. I’ve got my job at the library. You’re already doing enough for me. Save it so you can make the trip up when I graduate.”

I drag my suitcase through the snow and hail a gypsy cab on Broadway. I tell him, “Port Authority.” I like the train but the bus is cheaper and I’m okay with sitting and thinking for the next few hours. I need to clear my head and my heart of everything Luciano. I feel a little bit awkward about not saying goodbye to Titi, to Yari and the whole rest of my family. But I can’t say goodbye to Lucky. I can’t see him again. Ever. I dig the red beach glass pieces out of my pocket and toss them in a snowbank. They look so beautiful against the white backdrop, almost like they’re glowing. Someone else will find them. Someone else will get lucky. As I walk away, I can’t help but feel like I left the pieces of my shattered heart all over the sidewalk.

Lucky

Being a grunt ain’t so bad. It’s like a cool job where you’re always hanging out with friends. ‘Cept there’s never enough down time and never enough sleep. Every day we’re learning something new, and not all of it’s to prepare for combat. We learn every possible scenario before deployment. We’ve done rope-tying and rappelling off cliffs, wilderness survival and even a day spent learning how to rescue drowning civilians. Turns out I’m a strong swimmer. Who would’ve thought? I grew up in the South Bronx. It’s not like we were swimming in the East River or up and down the Hudson.

I love the weather in North Carolina and most of the guys here are cool. There’s another dude from the Bronx in my battalion and we hit it off from day one. We got the same background so we had more or less the same upbringing.

On the weekends when we get a break, we go into Jacksonville to get drunk or to play darts and pool. I never go home even when we get a ninety-six; I chill here at the base. The real reason we go into town is to pick up women. I got my swagger and I’m as fit as I’ll ever be. It isn’t hard to get laid. I pretty much got chicks crawling all over me. I haven’t met anybody special—don’t know what I’d do if I did. But I do like fucking for sport. I’m always the winner, a natural champion.

Being here makes me feel like somebody different, and I don’t mind being a number, it takes all the pressure off. I’m one of those guys who looks forward to deployment. Some of the Marines that’ve been around a while say it’s typical of a grunt to be itching to get out of here. They say it can be boring over there—that you can get stuck for weeks on a mission where all you do is sit and wait. Or that shit can get grueling, you trudge for miles in uniform carrying weapons and weight only to trudge right back again in the dark to where you came from without ever firing your damn weapon.

But I don’t know, I’m still itching to go. I want to fucking
do
something, it’s like I gotta get it out of me. There’s a part of me that’s unsettled and I don’t know how to put it into words. The fire is always there. It’s continually burning. I feel like nothing gets me going enough anymore. Even when we’re running and taking cover in ditches, firing weapons or learning hand-to-hand combat, I’m still not getting enough of a charge—that feeling where adrenaline rips through you and all you can hear is your own heart slamming in your chest; the drumbeat deafening your own ears, just to remind you that you’re made of blood and guts even though you feel indestructible. I crave that feeling—the ultimate high. I used to get that shit easily back in the Heights with a needle in my arm.

I had another source too, that would never run dry. I could get that same feeling just being around Lenny. Breathe in her scent and my heart is on fire and my blood is racing down the speedway. She turns me into a fucking animal whenever I’m around her. All I can think about is fucking her into senselessness and dragging her away so that nothing and nobody will touch her. Belén—the sickness comes back even when I just let myself think of her. She’s the fucking thorn in my side, but she’s also the secret spark that ignites me.

Belén

Spring semester I win the Anthropology honors award for my paper on consanguineous marriage in North Africa and how it preserves cultural continuity. I like to study what I know and I can’t get enough of researching that particular subject.

Lucky is deployed for the first time and I hear from both my mom and my aunt. He’s been sent for a short tour in Iraq. Titi tells me not to worry, that Lucky is excited to go and anxious to get some real experience. I watch the news like a hawk and I pore over the papers. I study the conflict history like a maniac and get CNN and Google alerts on my phone, so that I never miss an update.

I never miss group therapy, either, and Safari Guy and I have become friends. His name is Bryan and we sort of naturally fell into becoming each other’s sponsors. But in co-dependency group therapy you have to watch a really bad and dated forty-minute video about how
not
to become co-dependent with your sponsor.

So Bryan and I go out for pie and coffee after our session. He talks about Jan and I don’t really talk about Lucky. She’s still drinking and the latest is that she totaled their truck. So Bryan takes the bus to group and these days and he has to walk to work until the insurance kicks in. Jan doesn’t work. She sleeps all day and heads to the bars at night. She’s got liver cirrhosis now and has to take medication, she isn’t supposed to be drinking.

“Bryan, you work so hard for your part. Have you ever talked to Jan about going to rehab?”

“And leave her alone with the bills and the house? There’s no way. I couldn’t.”

“Uh, I meant Jan. She could probably use a stint at Betty Ford or one of those places. I think, and it’s just my opinion, Bryan, that you are getting enough help for yourself. Let’s make Jan take some responsibility. See how she does without you.”

“I can’t be separated from her, Belén, I’d be miserable without her. Plus, she’d never survive. Who’d make sure she didn’t OD? I count her anti-depressants, all of her meds every night!”

“I think that’s the point, that you’d let go to get healthy,” I say, taking a bite of my chocolate-peanut-butter pie, which is comprised basically of pudding and candy bars in a wedge shape pressed on top of a cookie.

I don’t ever want to be Bryan. I’d rather never see Lucky again than hang on his every breath and obsess over his well-being, which is kind of what I’m doing. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I put it on silent and pay the tab for both of us.

The door to our room is open and I catch Lucy walking out with our television. The cords are dragging along the floor and she’s sweating.

“What are you doing, Lucy? Do you want me to help with that?”

“Getting rid of your news feed. I can’t fucking take it.”

“I’ve turned into Bryan,” I say, setting down my backpack.

“I can’t room with you, BeyBey, if you continue to obsess. He chose what he wanted to do and you can’t control it.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t even know what he’s doing over there! For all you know he could still be on base cleaning toilets!”

I stay up all night deleting the bookmarks from my computer and taking the alerts off my phone. I email my mom to tell her I’m news-free and that if anything really big happens I’m relying on her to email me.

Lucy and I plan on getting an apartment together off-campus for our senior year. I’ll have to convince her I’m sane if I ever want that to happen.

The following morning I tell her I’ve cleaned up my act. That I’m done being lovesick and I’m moving on with my life.

“’Bout time, you lunatic. Let’s go celebrate with pancakes.”

After breakfast I do something I never thought I’d do. I call Jeremy and invite him up for the weekend.

“But I thought you didn’t like him?” Lucy says when I tell her. “That kid creeped me the fuck out, I’ll tell you that much.”

“I don’t think I do, but I’m going to find out. Dr. Davidson always brings up the point that I got wet and she thinks it’s significant.”

“Belén, don’t bring up wet pussy while I’m eating my breakfast.”

Chapter 18

Belén

I
’ll graduate before Lucy; I’m more than a semester ahead. But I think I’ll stick around and figure out what I want before jumping straight into grad school. I’d like to travel and see the world, maybe join the Peace Corps. I don’t want to ditch her with our lease either, but Lucy swears she’s cool either way. But I don’t believe her.

We’ve got a short break coming up and Jeremy has invited me away. Turns out his family has a time-share that Jeremy has the keys to and can use whenever he wants. He’ll drive me back to the city and from there we’ll fly to North Carolina for the weekend.

Jeremy has come up a few times since I’ve tried to rekindle our thing. We made out pretty heavily and I tried giving him a blowjob. I don’t know if I did it right, but he did come all over me. I don’t feel that much attraction, but in truth, I’m desperate to feel something and lose my virginity before I graduate from college. I’ll feel weird with a bachelor’s degree and not enough sexual experience to impress a twelve-year-old.

Jeremy and I drive to the hospital and grab Mami on her lunch-break. She hugs me hard and surprises me by pulling Jeremy into a warm hug as well. We take her to lunch at a new, fancy bistro meant for rich doctors. I urge her to order appetizers and we try a bunch of stuff on the menu. Jeremy is so sweet to her and it kind of melts my heart. He insists she order dessert, even if it’s to-go so she can take it home. We talk about my upcoming early graduation and how Jeremy and his parents are planning on coming.

Mami kisses me and hugs me hard when we part ways and whispers, “Belén, I can’t believe how much you’ve grown up.”

We go to Jeremy’s beautiful place so we can see his parents. I’ve met them briefly before but this is the first time I sit and chat with them. Jeremy’s mom, Belinda, has his shocking blue eyes. She’s impressed that I’m graduating early and surprised that I majored in biology.

“I don’t know, Belén, I always took you to be the artist type.”

She tells me about the Outer Banks and how her family used to vacation there when they were young. But then after Jeremy was born they started staying near the Emerald Isle. Jeremy’s dad, Tom, gets a call on his cell and he stands up to take it. He laughs heartily with whomever he’s talking to and then says, “No, Jeremy is here with his girlfriend.”

I’m shocked and a little frightened at the word and my eyes search out Jeremy. He’s dragging his packed suitcase to the door and he smiles and winks at me. I feel warmth flush through my body and think, this is going to be the weekend when I’ll lose my virginity—like it or not.

The flight is effortless and Jeremy has champagne and I drink sparkling cider in first class. He toasts to our first weekend away together; clinking his glass to mine, he says, “To us!”

It sounds ridiculous, like something out of a manual for spending meaningful, quality time as a couple.

“To us,” I repeat and tap my glass to his. I take a sip and try to swallow all of my inhibitions. Jeremy is great, I tell myself. I couldn’t do any better.

The timeshare is gorgeous, maybe the nicest place I’ve ever stayed. Everything is clean and white and decorated like an old Southern plantation. There is one king-sized bed in the room where we put our luggage and I look at it with apprehension.

It’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just disappointed in how lackluster it all feels. Shouldn’t it feel magical and exciting? Shouldn’t I be swooning and having dreams of our beautiful ever-after? I just want him to stick it in like you prod a roast in the oven. Take it out, check the temperature and then take a really hot shower.

We get dressed up. I wear a flowy, white shirt with a turquoise mini-skirt. I have on heels, blush, the whole nine yards. Jeremy’s shirt matches his eyes.

His dad’s friend owns the restaurant and not only do they let me drink, but they comp the whole bill. We eat oysters and sip dark rum and the entire night Jeremy’s hand keeps returning to caress my thighs.

“Belén, I’ve wanted you since I first laid eyes on you in school,” he says, gliding his hand a little higher. He slips a finger in my panties and I almost choke on my mojito.

“I think I need to get a little more drunk,” I whisper. He skims his finger over my clit. My nipples respond. I exhale slowly. “Can we go to a bar?”

We drive fifteen minutes to a place that looks like a sports bar in the middle of nowhere. We get out of the car and Jeremy slams the door, a little more than annoyed with me. I wish I could channel Yari and revel in my sexuality.

“I’ve been here a few times on the weekends. It gets kind of crazy, people like to get wasted. They’re easy on IDs, I got in before I turned twenty-one.”

It’s loud inside, without a lot of light, and some people are dancing. There are pool tables and dart boards, but mainly there are a lot of intoxicated guys shouting and drinking.

We sit at the bar and Jeremy orders us two shots. I tip mine back. It burns on the way down and suddenly I feel pretty good. I can do this. I can be a good sport.

“Thanks for bringing me here, Jeremy. I really needed to loosen up. This is just what the doctor ordered.”

“Let me get you another one!” Jeremy yells and kisses me on the lips, quickly slipping his tongue in.

My phone rings in my purse and I pull it out and stare. My screen’s lit up. Lucky is calling me. He’s
never
called me before.

“Lucky?” I say into the phone, immediately fearing the worst.

“Bey, tell me you’re not at a Marine dive bar in North Carolina with that rich prick from the party,” he says, sounding pretty drunk.

“I didn’t know it was a Marine bar—hang on, I’ll ask Jeremy.” I put the phone down to my chest and look at Jeremy and smile. “Well, wouldn’t you know it, my cousin Lucky is in this bar.”

The thought did cross my mind when we decided to come here. I even fantasized about calling or accidentally running into him. But I kept that in check and forced myself to concentrate on Jeremy. What the hell is fate up to? Is she just being cruel or is she trying to tell me something?

“I thought he’d shipped out?”

“I guess he’s back and he’s having a few drinks with the guys.”

“Not surprised, they all come here to get trashed. Where is he? Let’s go find him, maybe he’s got some good shit!” Jeremy says, knocking back another shot. Jeremy seems more excited about seeing Lucky than getting into my underwear.

“Where are you, Lucky?” I ask into the phone.

“By the pool table, Belén. Staring at your legs.” I uncross my legs slowly and slip my phone back into my purse. I peer into the corner and feel a creeping recognition when my eyes make contact with a pair of yellow ones searing through the dim light. It’s Jaylee with Lucky; they stand up from their table. They look so good together, and they stick out like crazy, two boys from the Heights surrounded by straight-laced Marines and North Carolinians.

“That’s Jaylee with him. The whole neighborhood is here. Come on, Jeremy, they’re over there by the pool table.”

Lucky and Jaylee shake Jeremy’s hand and both kiss me on the cheek. Jeremy grabs a chair and pulls me onto his lap. I watch Lucky’s jaw tick ever so faintly as he scrutinizes Jeremy’s arm wrapped suggestively around my waist.

Jaylee orders a round of shots and pays in cash from a thick stash in his wallet.

“What the fuck you doing here with my little cousin, Jeremy?” Lucky asks, his fist on the table.

“We’re here for the long weekend at Jeremy’s parents’ beautiful time-share. You guys should come back with us—right, Jeremy? There’s a gorgeous pool and tennis courts.”

“Hell yeah, they should, if they’re bringing the goods!” Jeremy says and knocks back another shot.

We drink more and Jeremy’s hands gets loose and play up my ribcage. Lucky’s eyes wander with them and his face is set in a glare.

I’m so drunk, I switch laps and throw my arms around Lucky’s neck. Jeremy doesn’t seem to care; he’s more interested in Jaylee. They have their heads together and are speaking in hushed tones. The two of them stand up together and go outside to smoke. Lucky stands and pulls me into a hard hug and I turn to soft butter, melting into his arms that feel so right and so familiar.

“Sorry how we left it, Len. I don’t mean to lose control.”

“It’s okay, Lucky. It’s just this thing between us, none of it’s your fault. I came to lose my virginity this weekend. Jeremy is sort of my boyfriend.”

“Oh, is he?”

“I still haven’t gotten it over with, so that’s why I’m here. I thought I should tell you before Jeremy said something.”

“That’s fucked up, Bey. It shouldn’t be like that. It’s not a chore you put up with. Don’t let him fuck you just to get it over with! It should just happen naturally. Lucky’s hand lingers on the back of my neck. He’s in a white T-shirt and black military pants.

“Like how it was with us? I thought that part wasn’t natural?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know, Bey. I need another drink. I can’t get enough of you in a skirt. How come you never dressed like that for me?”

“How come you didn’t go outside with them?”

“’Cause I’m clean. A few drinks on the weekends, but that’s all for me.”

“What if I ditched Jeremy and you took my virginity instead?” I ask, laying my head on his chest. I say it like it’s a joke. But it isn’t. At all.

It’s what I want, how I’ve always imagined it.

He grabs my hair and breathes in my scent at the top of my head, then his hand roams lower and stays at my hip.

“I don’t know. I don’t think Jeremy would like that. He’s been working so hard, Bey, to get in your pussy. For years.”

“What if I let him fuck me while you sit there and watch?”

The booze is loosening me up and I’m saying whatever the hell I want to. I’m speaking the truth.

“That’s about the freakiest thing I’ve ever heard out of your mouth. Come here.” Apparently he likes it because he grabs my chin and lifts it up. Lucky takes my mouth and kisses me savagely until my head spins and I can’t breathe. Lucky’s tongue is poison and all I want is for him to infect me.

When I look up, Jeremy and Jaylee are staring and Jaylee is laughing. His huge fucking grin tells me they’ve been standing there watching.

“Jesus, you two never quit!” Jaylee says punching Jeremy in the arm. “Let’s go back to your place, man, this looks like it could be fun!”

I don’t think any of them should be driving. Jeremy and I call a taxi but Lucky insists that he’s sober. They follow behind us in separate cars because Jaylee isn’t staying and is planning on driving back to the city tonight. Jeremy says nothing to me in the cab until we pull up at his place.

“Are we still gonna fuck, Belén, or are you gonna cop out
again
, because we ran into Lucky?”

“I still want to do it. Maybe even more than I did before. I think they should participate. We can all have fun and maybe it will be even better that way. ”

We get out of the car and slam the doors. Jeremy storms after me on the gravel.

“You, who refuses to let me tie you up, think you’re down for that much kink? You the perpetual prude, who won’t go past first base?”

“Call me a freak if you want to, Jeremy, but I feel safe when he’s near me.”

“All right, but you’re not my girlfriend if you’re messing around with someone else.”

“Was I ever really in the first place?”

He just shrugs in answer. I know Jeremy will do whatever Jaylee and Lucky think is cool. He’s always been a wannabe and looked up to those two.

Jeremy unlocks the door and we all four step into the lap of luxury. Jeremy is sighing loudly and running his hands through his blond hair. He kicks off his boat shoes and grabs a bottle from the counter and a handful of glasses that all clang together noisily. He’s acting like he’s annoyed with me, but it feels like it’s fake and he just wants to impress them.

Jaylee relaxes on the couch, throws a leg up over the coffee table and winks at me suggestively. He’s so hot I almost feel like I could do him without needing my cousin. Lucky stalks over to a chair and sits down, spreading his legs into a wide V.

“Yo, Belén, you up for a group fuck? Or what’s the deal?” Jaylee says after he pours straight whiskey into all four glasses.

“Fuck off, Jay!” Lucky says as he throws back the shot and jerks his chin aggressively at his friend from the neighborhood.

“She’s my girlfriend,” Jeremy adds, sounding a little whiny.

“Dude, it’s her body,” Lucky says, glaring at Jeremy like he’s got no claim to me. “How’d this idea get started anyway?”

“It was my idea,” I say, surprising myself. Suddenly I have three pairs of eyes studying me intently.

“I have a really hard time getting turned on. Like,
really hard
. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve done everything from study human sexuality to special therapy to watching porn and using toys and kissing girls and nothing,
nothing
works for me!” I say the last part a little too loudly. All three of them are transfixed. I’ve got all of their attention.

“Whoa,” Jaylee says.

“Except for Lucky. Lucky works for me.”

“You do it for me too, Bey,” Lucky says from the chair.

It doesn’t sound taboo or disgusting. It sounds right to say it, just like it should.

Jaylee claps his hands together and smiles at all of us. “This is seriously some fucked-up shit! I love it! Jer, you get us some ice and I’ll roll a blunt. I’m down for whatever the lady wants.” He looks ecstatic as he gets to work. Lucky sits in a chair and simply smolders at me.

Maybe it’s weird to spend your life as abstinent and then one night while drunk, up and decide to have sex with three men at once. But I don’t care about judgment. I need to get the hell past whatever has been blocking me. I want a normal sex life. I’d settle for just a normal
life
. I want to feel something. Because I already know that love doesn’t feel good.

All three of them are surveying my body and my skin is on fire. Jaylee is gorgeous. I’ve thought that since the first moment I saw him, years ago in the Heights. Lucky is irresistible and one hundred percent male. Jeremy is okay too in his sort of preppy way, with blond tousled hair that falls into his eyes. I could want all three of them. Maybe I do.

I stand up and unzip my skirt and let it fall to the floor. I keep my heels on and lift my filmy white shirt over my head and toss it on top of my skirt. I’m in a white lace bra and panties and black heels, an ensemble I bought especially for losing my virginity. I unclip my hair and sit down on the couch between Jeremy and Jaylee.