Malice (25 page)

“I think so. I … understand about these things.” She wasn't sure what else to say to him, but he nodded, and touched her hand gently.

“It's all right. Healing comes in many ways. Blessing others is the best one.” She nodded, and her eyes were blurred with tears. He knew. He understood. She felt as though she had come home, just being here, and being near him. “We need you, Grace. There's a place for you here. You can bring joy, and healing, to a lot of people, as well as yourself.”

“Thank you, Father,” she whispered as she wiped her eyes and he smiled at her. He didn't pry any further. He knew all he needed to know. No one knew better what these women were going through than one who'd been through it, battered and abused by husbands and fathers, or mothers or boyfriends.

“Now, let's get down to business.” His eyes were laughing again. “How soon can you start? We're not going to let you get away from here that easily. You might come to your senses.”

“Right now?” She had come prepared to work, if he wanted her, and he did. He led her back into the kitchen, where they left their empty mugs in one of the dishwashers, and then he walked her out to the hallway and started introducing her to people. The three girls at the desk had been replaced by a boy in his early twenties, who was a medical student at Columbia, and there were two women talking to a gaggle of little girls, whom Father Tim introduced as Sister Theresa, and Sister Eugene, but neither of them looked like nuns to Grace. They were friendly-looking women in their early thirties. One was wearing a sweat suit, and the other jeans and a threadbare sweater. And Sister Eugene volunteered to take Grace upstairs to show her around the rooms where the women stayed, and the nursery where they sometimes kept the children, if the women were too battered to deal with them for the time being themselves.

There was an infirmary staffed by a nurse who was a nun, and she was wearing a clean white smock over blue jeans. The lights were kept dim, and Sister Eugene walked Grace in on soundless feet, as she signaled to the nurse on duty. And as Grace looked around her at the women in the beds, her heart twisted as she recognized the signs she had lived her entire life with. Merciless beatings and heartrending bruises. Two women had arms in casts, one had cigarette burns all over her face, and another was moaning as the nurse tried to bandage her broken ribs again, and put ice packs on her swollen eyes. Her husband was in jail now.

“We send the worst cases to the hospital,” Sister Eugene explained quietly as they left the room again. Without thinking, Grace had stopped to touch a hand, and the woman had looked at her in suspicion. That was another thing Grace was familiar with too. These women were sometimes so far gone and so badly treated that they didn't trust anyone anymore not to hurt them. “But we keep whoever we can here, it's less upsetting for them. And sometimes it's only bruises. The really ugly stuff goes to the emergency room.” Like the woman who'd come in two nights before whose husband had put a hot iron to her face, after hitting her with a tire iron on the back of her head. He had almost killed her, but she was so terrified of him, she had refused to bring charges. The authorities had taken their children away from them, and they were in foster homes now. But the woman had to be willing to save herself, and many of them didn't have the courage to do it. Being battered was the most isolating thing in the world. It made you hide from everyone, Grace knew only too well, even those who could help you.

Sister Eugene took her to see the children then, and in minutes Grace had her arms full of little girls and boys, she was telling them stories, and tying bows on braids, and shoelaces, as children told her who they were, and some of them talked about what had happened and why they had come there. Some couldn't. Some of their siblings had been killed by their parents. Some of their mothers were upstairs, too battered to move, too ashamed even to see them. It was a disease that destroyed families, and the people who lived through it. And Grace knew with a sinking heart how few of them would ever grow up to be whole people or be able to trust anyone again.

It was after eight o'clock before she left them that night. As she did, Father Tim was standing at the door, talking to a policeman. He had just brought a little girl in, she was two years old, and she had been raped by her father. Grace hated cases like that … at least she had been thirteen … but she had
seen
babies at St. Mary's who had been raped and sodomized by their fathers.

“Rough day?” Father Tim asked sympathetically, as the policeman left.

“Good day.” She smiled at him. She had spent most of it with kids, and then the last few hours, talking to some of the women, just being there, listening, trying to give them the courage to do what they had to. No one could do it for them. The police could help. But it was up to them to save themselves. And maybe, if she talked to enough of them, she told herself, they wouldn't have to go to the same lengths she had. They wouldn't have to wind up in prison to be free. It was her way of repaying the debt, of atoning for a sin she knew her mother would never have forgiven her for. But she had had no choice, and she didn't regret it. She just didn't want anyone else to have to pay the same price she had.

“You run a great place here,” she complimented him. She liked it even better than St. Mary's. It was livelier, and in some ways warmer.

“It's only as great as the people who work here. Can I interest you in coming back? Sister Eugene says you're terrific.”

“So is she.” The nun had been tireless working there all day, as was everyone Grace had seen. She liked everyone she had met there. “I don't think you'll be able to keep me away.” She had already signed up for two nights that week and the following Sunday. “I can come in on Thanksgiving too,” she said easily.

“You're not going home?” He looked surprised. She was awfully young to be so unencumbered.

“No home to go to,” she said without hesitation. “It's not a big deal. I'm used to it.” He watched her eyes, and nodded. There was a lot there that she wasn't saying.

“We'd love to have you.” The holidays were always rough for people with bad home situations, and the number of people they saw come in often doubled. “It's always a zoo here.”

“That's just what I want. See you next week, Father,” she said, as she signed out on the logbook. She was going to be reporting to Sister Eugene, and she was thrilled that she'd come here. It was exactly what she wanted.

“God bless you, Grace,” Father Tim said as she left.

“You too, Father,” she called, and closed the door behind her.

It was a long, cold, somewhat scary walk back to the subway again, threading her way through the bums and the drunks, and young hoods looking for fun. But no one bothered her, and half an hour later, she was home, walking down First Avenue to her apartment She was tired from her long day, but she felt renewed again, and as though at least for some, the horrors in her life had been useful. For Grace, knowing that always made the pain she carried seem worthwhile. At least it wasn't wasted.

Chapter 10

G
race spent Thanksgiving at St. Andrew's Shelter, as she'd promised them. She even helped to cook the turkey. And after that, she fell into a familiar routine, of going down there on Tuesday and Friday nights, and all day Sunday. Fridays were always busy for them, because it was the beginning of the weekend, and paychecks had come in. Husbands who were prone to violence went out and got drunk and then came home and beat their women. She found that she never left the shelter before two a.m., and sometimes later. And on Sundays, they were trying to deal with all the women and kids who had come in over the weekend. It seemed like it was only on Tuesday nights that she and Sister Eugene had a chance to chat. The two women had become good friends by Christmas. Sister Eugene had even asked her if she'd ever thought of herself as having a vocation.

“Oh my God, no! I can't even imagine it.” Grace looked stunned at the idea.

“It's not very different from what you're doing now, you know.” Sister Eugene smiled at her. “You give an awful lot of yourself to others … and to God … no matter how you view it.”

“I don't think it's quite as saindy as all that,” Grace smiled, embarrassed at what the nun was saying.

“I'm just repaying some old debts. People were good to me at one point, as much as I let them. I'd like to think that I can pass it on to others now.” Not very many people had been good to her. But a few had. And she wanted to be one of the few people in these people's anguished lives who made a difference. And she did. But not enough so to want to give her life to God, only to battered women and children.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Sister Eugene had asked her once, giggling like a girl, and Grace had laughed at the question. Sister Eugene was curious about her life and Grace seldom offered any information. She was very closed about herself, but she felt safer that way.

“I'm not much good with men,” Grace said honestly. “It's not my forte. I'd rather come here and do something useful.”

And she did. She spent Christmas and New Year's with them, and sometimes she had a kind of peaceful glow on her face after she'd been there. Winnie noticed it sometimes at work and always thought it was a man in her life. She seemed so happy and so at ease with herself. But it came from giving to others, and sitting up all night with a battered child in her arms, crooning to it, and holding it, as no one had ever done for her. She wanted more than anything to make a difference in these children's lives, and she did.

Finally, after they'd worked together for nearly five months, Winnie asked her to lunch on a Sunday, and Grace was really touched but she explained to her that she had a standing obligation on Sundays. She would never have canceled. They met on a Saturday instead. They met at Schrafft's on Madison Avenue and then walked over to watch the skaters at Rockefeller Center.

“What do you do on Sundays?” Winnie asked her curiously, still convinced that Grace probably had a boyfriend. She was a pretty girl, and she was so young. There had to be someone.

“I work on Delancey Street, at a home for battered women and kids,” she explained, as they watched women in short skirts swirl on the ice, and children fall and laugh as they chased their parents and friends. They looked like such happy children.

“You do?” Winnie looked surprised by Grace's admission. “Why?” She couldn't imagine a girl as young and beautiful as Grace doing something so difficult and so dismal.

“I do it because I think it's important. I work there three times a week. It's a great place. I love it,” Grace said, smiling at Winnie.

“Have you always done that?” Winnie asked her in amazement, and Grace nodded, still smiling.

“For a long time anyway. I did it in Chicago too, but actually I like the place here better. It's called St. Andrew's.” And then she laughed and told her about Sister Eugene suggesting she become a nun.

“Oh my Lord,” Winnie looked horrified, “you're not going to do that, are you?”

“No. But they seem pretty happy. It's not for me though. I'm happy doing what I can like this.”

“Three days a week is an awful lot. You must not have a lot of time to do anything else.”

“I don't. I don't want to. I enjoy my work, I enjoy working at St. Andrew's. I've got Saturdays if I need time to myself, and a couple of nights a week. I don't need more than that.”

“That's not healthy,” Winnie scolded her. “A girl of your age ought to be out having fun. You know, with boys,” she scolded Grace in a motherly way, and Grace laughed at her. She liked her. She liked working with her. She was responsible and efficient and she really cared about “her” partners, and Grace. She acted almost like a mother to her.

“I'm all right. Honest. I'll have plenty of time for boys when I grow up,” Grace teased, but Winnie shook her head at her, and wagged a finger.

“That comes a lot faster than you think. I took care of my parents, all my life, and now my mother's in a home in Philadelphia, so she can be with my aunt, and I'm all alone here. My father's gone, and I never got married. By the time he died and Mama went to Philadelphia to be with Aunt Tina, I was too old.” She sounded so sad about it that Grace felt sorry for her. Grace suspected that she was very lonely, which was why she'd met her for lunch. “You'll regret it one day, Grace, if you don't get married, and have a life of your own before that.”

“I'm not sure I will.” She had come to think re-cendy that she really didn't want to get married. She'd been burned enough, and even her brief encounters with men like Marcus, and Bob Swanson, and even her probation officer, had taught her something. She really didn't want any of it. And the nice ones like David and Paul still didn't make her feel any different. They were both good men, but she really didn't want one. She was satisfied to be alone. She didn't make any effort to meet men, or to have any life other than her volunteer work at St. Andrew's.

Which was why she was utterly amazed when one of the other junior partners, who worked in an office near hers, asked her out to dinner one day. She knew he was a friend of the tax men she worked for, and he was recendy divorced and very good-looking. But she had no interest at all in going out with him, or anyone else at work.

He had stopped at her desk at lunch hour one day, and in an embarrassed undervoice had asked her if she would like to have dinner with him the following Friday. She explained that she did volunteer work on Friday nights, and couldn't but she didn't look particularly pleased that he had asked her, and he retreated, looking awkward and feeling somewhat embarrassed.

She was even more surprised when one of her bosses asked her the next afternoon why she had turned Hallam Ball down when he asked her out to dinner. “Hal's a really nice guy,” he explained, “and he likes you,” as though that were all he needed to qualify for a date. None of them could understand her refusal.

“I … uh … that's very nice of him, and I'm sure he is.” She was stammering. It was embarrassing having to explain why she had refused him. “I don't go out with people at work. It's never a good idea,” she said firmly, and the young partner nodded.