Mara (12 page)

Auntie counted quietly and then opened up the iron.

There was a beautiful, golden brown waffle all ready for us, and she skillfully popped it out of the iron with a flat spatula. She added it to the mound of waffles she had baked already that morning.

‘Would you like to try?’ She held out the soup ladle. I nodded and took her place at the stove.

I took a ladle full of batter and poured it onto the waffle iron. The hissing steam cloud startled me, but Auntie was right beside me and she gently helped me close the iron. Then I started to count. At one hundred and twenty I quickly glanced at Auntie and when she nodded I pressed the handle and the iron turned over.

Again I counted the seconds and then opened up the waffle iron.

The waffle had turned out marvelously and I looked at Auntie with excitement.

‘Why don’t you sit down and can eat this one,’ she said.

I hesitated for a moment, but then I shook my head. ‘You sit down instead and have it. My first waffle is for you.’

She smiled at me and took the waffle from me, and while Auntie ate her waffle at the kitchen table, I made another, and another.

That afternoon I made butter myself.

Evening fell and we sat together in the front room, a room I hardly ever entered, since most of our daily chores centered round the kitchen. In the front room was a flat top stove that radiated a pleasant, warm glow, but it was unusual for me to be sitting here and I felt uncomfortable. The clock ticked away the seconds and the year would soon be over. Only a little longer and it would be all behind us. If only it was this easy to put other things behind you as well.

I thought about the year ahead of me and I shivered as I considered all that was yet to come.

Auntie suddenly interrupted my thoughts. ‘Do you also feel uncomfortable sitting here?’

‘It is a little strange,’ I admitted.

‘Then come, let’s welcome the new year in the kitchen.’ Auntie already got up and lifted the bowl of waffles from the table. I got up too and took the icing sugar and butter. I followed Auntie to the kitchen. Immediately I felt more at ease and I smiled at Auntie as I sat down.

We both had just grabbed another waffle when, all of a sudden, we heard footsteps outside. Startled by the noise I quickly pushed my seat back and stood up. My sudden movement made the chair fall back onto the floor, so I quickly picked it up. Auntie motioned me to calm down and waited at the door until I had left the kitchen by another door. Quickly I climbed up the stairs and tiptoed into my room. I lay down on the bed. It seemed I would be entering the new year in solitude. I thought of the waffle lying on the table downstairs and I rubbed my stomach in regret. As long as there were visitors I wouldn’t be able to have any more waffles.

I sat up when I heard a creaking on the stairs.

‘Maria?’ Auntie knocked on the door.

‘Reverend Bosch has dropped by, will you come down again?’

Reverend Bosch? In that case I most definitely would stay up here.

‘I…’

‘He came especially for your sake. He thought our New Year’s Eve would be a bit lonely.’

‘But I want…’

‘It’s up to you, Maria.’

Auntie looked at me for a moment and waited for me to make up my mind. When I didn’t respond she closed the door and I could hear her footsteps go down the stairs. Quickly I climbed off the bed and followed her without really thinking my decision through.

‘Auntie, wait, I’m coming.’ I followed her down the stairs and was relieved to see her waiting for me. Together we returned to the kitchen and I nodded in greeting to the preacher. He rose and waited for me to take my seat before he sat down again himself.

Then followed an awkward silence that Auntie broke by offering the Reverend some waffles.

‘That sounds delicious,’ he said.

Relieved to be able to do something I pulled my plate toward me and cut my waffle into five pretty heart shapes. I started to eat in silence while I wondered to myself how I could have been so stupid as to come down with Auntie. I took a quick glance at the clock and saw that we still had an hour and a half to go. I sighed so deeply that the icing sugar went flying like a cloud of dust and made me sneeze.

Reverend Bosch burst into laughter, at first hesitantly, but then wholeheartedly. Auntie also laughed and wiped her hand over my face. Then she showed me the white on her finger.

I remained gruff and silent, but when the two of them didn’t look at me any more, I smiled and took another bite from one of the heart shapes.

13

I
t won’t be long now and I’ll be a woman with a child. Will I be like my mother? That idea frightens me. Should I blame her for not protecting me, or should I be grateful to her for the happy years we shared?

Now that I haven’t seen or spoken to her for so long, I find it harder and harder to understand why she never protected me. Was he really that powerful? Was she unable to stand up to him and protect me?

My hatred for him is as strong as ever, and every thought that turns to him I smother in the flames of my anger, and the fear I once felt for him now seems to be unjustified. I am stronger now, my hatred gives me strength.

For several days I had tortured myself over the knowledge that there was nothing for it but to involve Auntie in the necessary preparations.

In the end Auntie Be brought the topic up herself.

‘How much longer now, Maria?’

Her question took me by surprise and I suddenly realized that I wasn’t really sure! From the moment that I had discovered what was going on with me, I had tried to ignore the fact that I was pregnant, that I had a child growing inside me, with such determination, that I never paid any attention to the date and least of all looked ahead anticipating the moment that this child would leave my body. My mouth fell open, and for a while I stared into my auntie’s eyes, speechless.

‘I don’t know.’

‘We’ll need to make some preparations, you know, like the doctor…’ Auntie Be rose up from her seat and started to pace through the kitchen, waving her hands about wildly. I had never seen her like that before.

‘I had thought you would at least know when the child is due!’ She kept pacing and waving her hands about, mumbling words I couldn’t hear.

‘The doctor. First the doctor.’ Finally she stood still and spoke clearly again, but her words scared me.

‘No doctor, please, no.’ I knew I was begging, but how could I possibly allow her to invite a strange man into the house who would examine my body and who would determine how far my pregnancy had progressed? It was unthinkable.

‘Auntie, don’t do it! I just need to think things over first, I’ll figure it out.’

Auntie’s eyebrows jumped up in surprise. ‘Think things over first? What is there to think about? You’re pregnant, child, whether you like it or not. What we need is a doctor who can examine you and determine how far along you are.’

I shot up and stood close beside her. I placed my hands on her shoulders and said very clearly: ‘No doctor. Please. I’ll count back and figure it out, really Auntie.’

She shook her head and I felt fear and disappointment.

‘The exact date is important, but it is just as important for someone to have a good look at you. We have to call in the doctor.’

I shook my head. I was being stubborn and disrespectful. I was afraid.

She sighed deeply and I could smell her breath. It had a hint of the laurier licorice she liked to nibble on every now and then. I knew I had won.

‘I’ll call Mien instead.’

Mien!

‘Is Mien still alive?’ Mien used to be a midwife and to my mind she must be as old as the large oak tree in the yard. She had helped deliver me, my mother, my aunt, and I suspected she had also been around at my Grandma’s birth but I wasn’t sure of that.

‘She’s still alive and as bright as ever. You won’t mind if I ask her to come?’

I shook my head reluctantly. I would have preferred to spend my days in seclusion within the safe walls of the farmhouse. But my confinement would come to an end and maybe sooner than I had expected.

Five days later Mien arrived. Auntie had sent her a message by post and she had, also by post, informed us of her arrival time. She had caught a ride with the postman and nimbly walked onto the yard. She walked just as quickly as she used to, and her short little legs moved with a speed that amazed me. Auntie Be had to laugh and assured me that Mien probably wasn’t quite as old as I thought. I had my doubts but wasn’t about to argue the point.

‘Maria, Maria. It’s been so long since I saw you last. You’re so grown-up!’ Mien was just as I remembered her, down to the flowered apron. The only difference was that I was now taller than the tiny midwife.

I let her embrace me, and a few of her escaped hairs tickled my nose and almost made me sneeze. I wasn’t sure what to say. After all, my belly spoke for itself.

At first Mien didn’t comment on it. She moved her basket to her other hand and followed Auntie inside. She had a seat in the kitchen with something to drink. Auntie Be and Mien caught up with each other about all the news from the area, and I sat with them, quietly listening and feeling my stomach protest. It felt like the nausea from the first few months had returned and I felt more and more miserable. My hands held on to the tablecloth and felt for the fringes. My restless fingers started to braid and knot and braid yet some more.

Auntie Be didn’t comment on my busy hands, but suggested that Mien have a chat with me first. She had a few more chores to take care of, she said, so she disappeared outside and left the two of us together.

Mien looked me deep in the eye, silently, and then nodded slowly.

‘You don’t have to tell me anything, and I won’t ask you anything. Does that sound all right?’ she said finally.

Immediately my stomach settled down, and I inhaled deeply and exhaled even deeper as I nodded. My fingers relentlessly continued their restless braiding, but Mien didn’t seem to mind and for me it was a most welcome distraction to keep my hands busy.

‘I would guess you’re about seven months now,’ Mien said suddenly. She gestured for me to stand up and she placed her hands on my stomach, pressing her fingers in the skin here and there. She grumbled a little and nodded, next she fumbled around in her basket.

I was about to tell her that it was a bit more than seven months, but she was too quick for me. She grabbed a measuring tape and measured the girth of my waist. Again her hands moved over my stomach, but I felt no fear the way I used to when he touched me. I knew she was doing something different. She was looking for the child. In the end she nodded with approval.

‘Eight months is closer to it, isn’t it?’ She asked finally.

I nodded and sat down again. In my mind I had traced back time and figured she was right, eight and a bit I thought. Maybe a week or so more, but eight months sounded about right to me.

‘The child is positioned very well. Can you feel it move?’

I nodded again.

‘If it is moving, all is well. If it stops moving for a few days… then something is wrong. Pay attention to it.’ The words sounded curt and abrupt. For a moment I considered how I would feel if the child would stop moving. Wasn’t that just what I had been wishing for all these months?

‘Your aunt will have to send someone for me when the time comes, but it’s very possible that I won’t be here in time. In that case, she will know what to do. Do you know what to expect?’

I nodded, then shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t dare to look her way and I allowed my fingers to go back to their game with the tablecloth’s fringe.

She started to tell me, and didn’t mince any words about it. She talked about the blood and the fluids, about the pains and of how long giving birth could take. I listened to the words without really understanding them. I wanted to crawl into a corner, ignore everything and know nothing. Why would I care about pains and blood, umbilical cords and afterbirths?

She concluded by saying that many women died in labor, but that I was young and healthy and that I would be all right. If I had any questions, I should ask them now.

Finally I lifted my eyes to meet hers, and I saw her sitting there across from me at the table, old - though not as wrinkled as Sister Olivia had been – and so confident. She had witnessed so many deliveries.

I hesitated. Of course I had questions, lots of them, but I didn’t know how to ask them. What could I say about the images she was conjuring up in my mind? That I thought it would be horrible, unnatural, deathly? I saw how Mien rubbed her hands and I considered how these same hands would take my child out of my body. I shuddered. But no word came out of my mouth and no question came over my lips. Instead I stood up and went out to call Auntie.

14

I
t’s still the middle of winter. We’ve had frost already and snow a few times. I sometimes can’t help but think that it’s a good thing I was sent to Auntie’s at this time of the year. How would it have worked if it had been springtime? There would have been a lot more work to be done on the farm, the days would have been so much longer and visitors so much more frequent. Now, as it is, there’s only one person who knows about me and occasionally visits me.

‘I don’t want you to do any heavy work anymore, Maria.’

‘But I feel fine. Please just let me muck out the stable.’

‘No, from now on I want you to take it easier. You can collect the eggs, cook dinner and…’

We were still discussing this when there were footsteps in the yard and the dog started to bark. I wanted to escape upstairs, but Auntie stopped me.

‘You can stay, it’s Reverend Bosch.’

‘I’d prefer to go up.’

But I was already too late, the door opened and a gust of fresh air blew in with the Reverend who greeted us with a smile. Since I had not been able to escape in time, I decided to ignore him instead. Despite his visit on New Year’s Eve and his pleasant company that night, I still found it difficult to face him. I turned my back to him, ignored his greeting and continued the conversation as if his arrival had not interrupted us.