Mara (2 page)

‘Goodbye, Father.’ The words came out of my mouth, but had lost all meaning. Still, he nodded approvingly.

The Reverend left the cutter, turned and raised his hand in a quick salutation. ‘Goodbye, Pieters. You’ll take good care of her?’

‘Yeah, Rev’rend.’ Pieters raised his hand in response, without giving the Reverend another look. At the same time he winked at me. ‘What’s he thinkin’! Of course I’ll look after ya!’

I smiled, grateful for his indignation. Then I turned and looked out over the water in front of me. Look forward now. There’s nothing left behind me. There was no loved one waving me off from the quay. There were no sweet memories to cherish.

The innocent white of the little church I left behind had long ago become a tarnished yellow for me. Eventually it was even stained with desperate-black. Time and time again I would visit the church, Sunday after Sunday. Every time I walked up to the church entrance I’d look up and hope that the fish-shaped wind dial would tumble down and shatter into a thousand pieces, every fragment small enough to be crushed by my feet. It never happened.

I knew that the little white steeple of the church towered proudly over the surrounding houses, but I refused to look at that accusing finger again. That’s where he was in contact with his God. That’s where he received permission to do what he did. That’s where he was the obedient servant.

I would now return to the house of my youth, back to the woods and meadows. I remembered Grandpa and Grandma. And Aunt Be. My thoughts briefly recalled the shadowy figure that remained in my memory of the person waiting for me at the end of my journey. I had not seen her for 10 years and now I was expected to share a home with her, confined like a recluse.

A boy of about 14 years old presented himself to Pieters, and this seemed to indicate that the whole crew was accounted for. The cutter was only a small one and one young hand sufficed. The anchor was raised and we cast off. I remained at the bow and held on to the rail. My jaws were clenched tight as my skin caught the last tears the rain was shedding. I had a lump in my throat and a child in my belly, but my eyes remained dry. I was leaving the village with the white church, the Reverend, and the woman who used to be my mother, and I did not look back. But his words haunted me, and I slid back into the past while the fishing boat brought me to my first destination.

I was skipping along, holding my mother’s hand.
The two braided pigtails in my hair kept falling softly on my shoulders, a feeling I enjoyed. Sometimes I would purposely shake my head from left to right as hard as I could, just to make the pigtails fly in a circle through the air around my head. But not now, now I let them fall softly. With each skip a soft flop, flop.

‘They’ll fall off, you know,’ Mother said. She smiled and gave my hair a tug. Her smile was friendly and reminded me of Grandma and Auntie Be, who still lived on the farm. Their mouths were all the same, I thought.

We arrived at the market and Mother pulled me along past the stalls. She stopped at the vegetable stall and selected some nice red apples. I pulled on the sleeve of her dress.

‘Why don’t we pick apples from a tree?’

‘We don’t have an orchard here, sweetie, so I have to buy apples now.’

I nodded and thought of our new house with the little garden. Mother was right, there was no orchard. Mother bargained with the salesman about the apples and vegetables. In the end they agreed on a price. All the while I kept holding her hand, but I let my eyes roam freely.

The next stall was a fishmonger’s. I stared at the man behind the table. He wore a white apron, and he shouted continually while he’d grab a fish from the pile with one hand, and cut its head off with the other. I shuddered, but kept watching, intrigued by his appearance, his handiwork and especially his voice. His voice was so loud, I was convinced that the whole village could hear him. This man would for sure make an excellent preacher. Everyone in church would be able to hear him.

Suddenly the fishmonger smiled and nodded straight at me, and with a quick movement he tossed something in my direction. Before I knew what had happened I felt something cold slap against my face. I screamed, loud and shrill. I touched my nose but couldn’t feel anything unusual. The man’s bellowing laughter made people turn their heads. Mother, worriedly, lowered herself down to my level, and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t know and looked down with embarrassment. Then I noticed something lying on my wooden shoe, and again I shrieked. I jumped to make the thing slip off. Mother started and pulled me close to her. I trembled, and held on to her tightly. Gradually I calmed down, and when mother rose I heard a woman’s voice.

‘I saw what happened. He threw that starfish at her and it hit her in on the nose.’

Beside us stood a woman, holding a little boy by the hand. Her hair was red and her nose was red, her eyes were green and her dress was green. In her hand she held up the very thing that only a moment earlier had been lying on my feet.

‘Go ahead, you can touch it,’ she said to me. ‘It can’t hurt you, it’s only a starfish.’ She smiled, and I tentatively reached out my hand to take the thing from her. Then suddenly my mother pulled my hand away.

‘How dare you! I may be new in this village, but I know who you are. Stay away from my daughter!’

Mother took my hand and squeezed it so hard it hurt, but before I could protest she had dragged me along. She pulled my arm so hard, I had to run to keep up with her. Mother hurried me along through the streets, not stopping at any of the other stalls, back to the manse.

‘What is it, Mother, why are we walking so fast?’ I whimpered. My foot got caught in the pavement and I tripped. I would have fallen, had Mother not held my hand so tightly.

Finally she slowed down, and in the end she stood still. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes still burned with anger, but when she looked at me I saw that her eyes slowly softened.

‘Oh sweetie, I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was…’ Mother swallowed, and for a moment she closed her eyes. ‘That woman from the market is a very bad woman, Maria. I did not want her to talk to you. Will you remember that? You are not ever allowed to talk to her, or to that boy. They are bad people, very, very bad.’

Mother looked at me gravely, and I nodded obediently.
I nodded so hard that my pigtails made small flops. Not nice ones. Serious, harsh little flops.

Pieters’ voice brought me out of my reveries and I turned to face him. I realized that he was shouting at his deck hand, not me. The boy jumped around the deck with great agility and followed every order Pieters shouted at him.

The rain had stopped and I wiped my face with my sleeve. My woolen coat had kept me mostly dry, but the water felt cold on my cheeks. I shivered and wondered how long it would take us to reach our destination.

Pieters and the boy were working hard, and I turned away. Just look forward now. From now on I must only look forward. My fingers tightened around the wet rail, and I stared into the water as the cutter was gliding over it. Again the idea surfaced that this water could be the solution for all my troubles. It would mean the end of everything I now had to deal with. I would disappear into the depth and nobody would ever see me again. Nobody would miss me.

I shook my head and straightened up. Just look forward. The past no longer mattered. Today was the first day of my new life.

2

V
lissingen. The last time I had been here, I had been a little girl with a new father. The wedding celebrations had just come to an end, and we had been full of plans for the future and were eagerly anticipating the journey ahead to ‘our new congregation’. I had trustfully nestled my hand in Mother’s hand. She had smiled at me, and I had known that everything would be all right. I had a new father! I had been so excited when we had first arrived at the harbour and I had seen all the boats. Seagulls had circled in the air above us shrieking at each other. I had held my head back, with my mouth open in thrilled delight. I had pointed with my finger and laughed out loud, until his voice harshly had cut through my enthusiasm.

‘Come along. Now.’

His hand had taken mine and I had obediently followed him. I had looked up to him, smiling. My new father was going to bring me to a new life. He would care for us, and Mother would no longer be sad and full of grieve because my real father was dead.

Vlissingen. It was as if memories of happier days had been waiting here for me all these years. As if the water was an invisible barrier between here and there, between the past and the present. As soon as we sailed into the harbour I could hear the shrill shriek of a seagull and I looked up. I wanted to be as free as that bird. Maybe this was my chance. The corners of my mouth curled into a smile and I moved my tongue, ready to shriek just like that seagull. Then I noticed Pieters watching me and I contained myself. I walked back to the centre of the deck. My suitcases were still there and I picked them up. With my luggage in hand I watched how Pieters maneuvered the cutter to the quayside.

The minister had refused to arrange for a chaperone. He had also forbidden my mother to travel with me and she had accepted that.

‘Your daughter will manage just fine, whichever way.’

Mother had nodded with her lips tightly closed. I could not only see, but also feel the anger that for weeks now had been wrapped around her like a cloak. At first I had asked her about it.

‘You make me angry, Maria.’

‘But Mother…’

‘No, Maria, enough has been said…’ her voice faltered as she turned away from me. Her shoulders square in rejection.

After that I had tried to sooth her with my actions. I performed every task without complaint. I looked for extra chores and brought home some candy as a treat, paid for with my own savings. All I hoped for was her arm around me, but she dispelled that hope so lightly.

‘Don’t bother, Maria.’

In the end I stopped looking at her with hopeful expectation, for I couldn’t expect anything from her anymore.

‘That’s where ya have to be, Maria!’ Pieters walked over and stood beside me. He shouted, even though he stood close to me, and he pointed at the other side of a busy street.

‘That building there. Will ya need help?’

I shook my head. I knew that he wanted to drop me off as soon as possible, so he would be able to continue and make the most of his workday. He kindly helped me with my suitcases, and he placed them on the quayside for me.

‘Thank you very much, Pieters.’ I shook his hand, slung the strap of the bag over my shoulder, took the two suitcases in my hands and started to walk.

The building I headed for was large and tall. From the outside it looked regal, with ornamental relief, a small tower, and stained glass windows. I could hardly believe I would be allowed to just walk in.

I chose the middle one of three tall entrance doors, and I followed other travelers, who all purposefully found their way. To the left and to the right I saw waiting areas, and I saw a sign that pointed out the royal waiting area. Not a place for me. I ended up at a ticket booth by simply following the travelers ahead of me. I kept a little distance and put the suitcases down beside me on the floor.

I pulled the travel bag off my shoulder and unfastened the button, all the while trying to stay calm and look like a seasoned traveler. But my breath came fast and my fingers trembled when I took hold of the notebook in which I had written all the details of my journey. I had borrowed the grocer’s train timetable and had carefully copied everything, down to the abbreviation of each station’s name. That is how afraid I was to end up in the wrong place. I quickly found the right page and checked the list of train station, which I actually knew by heart by now. All I had to do was buy a train ticket. How hard could this be?

I slapped the notebook shut and put it back into my bag. Then I lifted up my suitcases and joined the line-up.

Most of the people ahead of me, I thought, were working class, judging by their clothing. They were clearly used to traveling, casually chatting amongst themselves while the line slowly moved up. Behind me new passengers joined the line. They also seemed to enjoy themselves just fine.

Each time another person’s turn came up, I would pick up my suitcases, move one single step closer toward the ticket booth, and place the suitcases back down, one on either side of me. Bend, lift, step, put back down. Simple movements, but my fingers trembled more and more, and I started to transpire as I came closer and closer to the ticket booth.

The Reverend had given me enough money, but not for my sake. It was all for the sake of appearances. Auntie was not to think that I had been sent away uncared for.

‘You will buy yourself a second class ticket.’

I had nodded my head. Of course, appearances were worth a lot. I would be traveling second class, and if possible even in a women’s-only car. Although, the grocer had told me that they didn’t always have those anymore.

Finally it was my turn.

The man at the booth yawned good and long behind his hand and he blinked his eyes a number of times.

‘Good morning Miss, how can I help you.’

‘I would like to buy a train ticket.’

‘I figured that. Where to?’

‘To Velp, sir.’

‘What class?’

‘Second class, please.’

The man pulled a green pad of paper toward him and he started to write quickly. He looked up for a minute.

‘One passenger?’

‘Yes, sir.’

He lay down his pen and put a stamp on the paper.

‘That will be seven guilders and fifty five cents, Miss.’

I took my little wallet from the bag and fumbled in the coin compartment. I was looking for three two-and-a-half guilder coins and a ten cent piece to give to the man, but I let the ten cent coin slip and it rolled onto the floor. I bent down to pick it up, but I could not get a grip on the smooth round coin. I imagined that the people behind me would come forward and walk around me. Someone would take my place at the booth.

Finally I got a hold of the coin and I stood up. The people behind me were still patiently waiting and I paid the clerk.