Masquerade (4 page)

The next day I’m sitting on my porch, trying to wake up with a cigarette in my hand. It was a long night at work with stupid-ass drunk people making fools of themselves. It gets tiring after a while. I’ve never been into shit like that. Don’t do drugs and rarely drink. My one vice is cigarettes. There’s something relaxing about the deep breaths in and forced breaths out. I think it was something I did to rebel when I was younger, and I haven’t stopped yet. They keep me busy, as fucked up as that sounds. Maybe I have an oral fixation or some shit like that.

The only good thing about last night was I got rid of all the flyers before Trevor or his brother Tyler could give me shit about passing them out at work. They’re twins even though they don’t look exactly alike—rich kids who somehow own a club at twenty-two. They basically leave me alone, which works for me.

Pushing the end of my half-smoked cigarette into the concrete, I put it out before stuffing it into the old coffee can. As I’m about to go inside, Laney and her boyfriend, Adrian, walk around the corner.

Even though I’m iffy about him, there’s a respect there too. He’s with my sister even though our dad killed his son. He never told her that I hunted him down after he split a few months before and took some of my anger out on him with my fists. It’s not as though he didn’t give it right back to me.

“Hey!” Laney smiles and gives me a quick hug.

I nod toward Adrian. “What’s up?”

He lifts his chin in greeting. Grabbing the door handle, I push it open and they follow me inside.

“Not too much. We’re going to see Ash, but I wanted to stop by and see how things are going with you first.” Laney sits on the couch and Adrian goes down right beside her.

For a second, I look at him. Watch for some flash of anger that I know he has to feel. Ash was his son. Our dad hit him and now they’re going to see him at his grave. For a brief second, Adrian closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before reaching over to grab my sister’s hand. Damned if he didn’t make me respect him a whole hell of a lot more. He loves her and doesn’t make her suffer for something she didn’t cause. That’s really all I ever wanted for her—not to lose out because of our parents.

“Not much,” I finally reply. “You could have called to ask that, though.”

“Yeah, but then it would be harder to pump you for information. This way you can’t hang up on her.” Adrian smirks. Fucker. Laney wouldn’t have brought it up like Adrian did.

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Maddox. You’re learning to tattoo at a new shop. There’s a lot to tell. What’s she like? Is she good at what she does?”

My mind goes back to the pictures on Bee’s wall. To the artwork on her body, a lot of which she told me she drew herself. Yeah, she’s incredible. Way better than the guy I used to work with. “I wouldn’t be working with her if she wasn’t—Wait, how do you know it’s a woman?”

Laney tenses for a second, making me feel like shit that I don’t tell her anything that’s going on in my life, before she jokingly says, “Adrian’s psychic, remember?”

He taps the side of his head and I roll my eyes. I guess it was some long-standing joke around Brenton that Adrian was physic. I don’t know how it started, but he likes to play it up when the situation fits him. “You guys are funny.”

“It’s going around town. You know how those things work, Maddy. Everyone’s talking about her.”

“Then everyone needs to take their ass to the shop and get a tattoo.”

“Are things going good with you guys? I mean, do you work well with her?”

The last thing I want to do is talk to Laney about Bee. “Everything’s fine. How are your classes going?”

“Good. They just started. Way to change the subject.” The little flash of hurt in her eyes spreads through me. I wish I could be a better brother to her.

“What about everything else? You’re dealing okay? Mom hasn’t given you shit or anything?” Laney has always been a little sensitive. She’s
nice
and she expects everyone else to be too. She’s the kind who always looks on the bright side of things, but it means she gets hurt easily too. A little before the summer, she cut off contact with our mom. She needed to because for four years Laney tried to take care of Mom, but she just treated Laney like shit. I always worry my sister will let her back in.

“She’s good.” Adrian puts his arm around her. “I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. I take care of her.”

“We take care of each other,” she whispers back at him, and he nods in agreement. It’s true too.

Suddenly I get this sort of ache in my gut and I want to be out on my bike or working in the shop. Anything but being here. She’s happy and I’m fucking glad, but it makes the emptiness I usually welcome inside me threaten to pull me under.

We all could have been happy, until everything got too screwed up. Instead she had to fight for it and live through hell to be where she is. That’s the one thing I want to fix more than anything else.

“You look sad, Maddy.” Laney stands up, but I shake my head and she doesn’t come closer. She’s a toucher. She wants to hug and be affectionate, but all those things do is remind me of how I failed. They’re emotional when I try not to focus on emotions. It’s easier to shut down.

“You guys caught me right before I was going to get in the shower. I have to head to the shop soon.”

The sad look she gives me tells me she knows it’s an excuse. Yeah, I’m supposed to go to Masquerade. Even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t let them stay. Adrian stands, shaking his head before taking her hand. “Come on, Little Ghost. We need to get going.”

She waves good-bye before Adrian leads her out. I take a step toward the door, guilt mixing with my blood and running through my veins, but there’s really no point in going after her. I still don’t want to open up and pretend the world is going to become a better place because I share my feelings.

Annoyed at myself, I grab my phone the second it rings. “Yeah.”

“Maddox. I’m so glad you answered!” When Mom’s voice comes through the phone, I wish like hell I would’ve checked to see who was calling first.

“Please. Don’t hang up.”

She sounds so nice. Like the perfect, happy mom we all used to think she was, the one she maybe used to be. But the older Laney got, the worse she treated her. What kind of parent is jealous of their own child? She blamed Laney for Dad—because he gave her attention. Somehow it was Laney’s fault when he started gambling and sleeping around too.

It was also Laney’s fault that she didn’t walk away as Mom lay bleeding on the floor. She called 911 and held her and cried for her mother, while Mom blamed Laney for letting her live.

She wouldn’t have cared if I did the same thing, and she doesn’t know that
I
could have been the one to stop it all. I didn’t tell her that I knew what Dad was doing and to this day I’m too big a pussy to admit it to her.

Even though she’s cared more about herself than anyone since Dad went to prison and even though she treats my sister like shit, I owe her because I kept my mouth shut about what Dad was doing. If I hadn’t, things might not have gotten as bad as they did.

“How are you?” The words burn my tongue. They’re a betrayal to Laney even though she would never see it like that, but it’s an apology to Mom for being weak too.

“How do you think I am? My husband is in jail, my son won’t speak to me, and they’re making me see a shrink.”

Nowhere in there does she say a word about Laney. I have to fight to bite my tongue and not mention it. “You’ve tried to kill yourself multiple times in four and a half years. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone.”

“Do
you
?”

I sigh, wondering why I didn’t see that coming. “I’m not suicidal. And I didn’t hurt my family.”

“Don’t do that, Maddox. I’m not the one who hurt our family. Your father did. He’s the one who cheated on me and ruined our family.”

What about the fact that he killed a kid? Hurt Laney and I? None of that comes out of her mouth.

“We could have been a family without him.” Or hell, maybe Laney was right and we don’t deserve it because someone died. A little fucking kid.

I hear the tears in her voice before she starts to speak. It always happens this way. “Are you saying it’s my fault? I was a victim here too. It’s not that easy to turn it off.”

No shit. I wish it was. “You think I don’t know that? That I don’t live with this shit every day? That Laney doesn’t? She has to look at Adrian and know what our family took from him!”

“Blah, blah, blah, blah! It always comes back to her, doesn’t it? What kind of hold does she have on the men in this family? What did she do to you, Maddox? Why do you love her more than your own mother? That’s what she wants. You know that, don’t—”

Her words are cut off when I end the call. I should have fucking known it would end up like that. It always does.

My hands are shaking. My heart racing. I’m supposed to be at Masquerade in an hour, but I can’t go in like this. Not when I’m raw and open, when I know in my head that I just need to get the fuck over it.

But damn do I want to be there. I think I might need it.

My shower is quick. My thoughts turned off like it’s so easy for me to do. Stoic, unemotional. People like my sister don’t get it, but closing myself off is how I make it through.

Still, I find myself driving to Masquerade, when my brain is telling me not to. When I know how shitty I am to be around when I’m in a mood like this. Pretty soon she’s not going to take my shit and she’ll call this whole thing off. It’s only been a week and we’ve already gotten into it more than once.

Maybe she should kick me out. What the hell am I doing here anyway?

It doesn’t stop me from wanting it. From getting off my bike and walking to the door. I’m surprised to see the
CLOSED
sign is up. Glancing at my cell, I see it’s almost two, the time she said I should come in. I start to dial her number, but something makes me try the door instead.

I squint when the door easily opens. She’s a smart girl. She pays attention and doesn’t let people get the drop on her. I didn’t expect Bee to leave the shop unlocked with the
CLOSED
sign up and the lights turned off inside.

“Bee?” I call out.

Her answer is immediate, but her voice softer, sadder than I’ve ever heard it. “Not in the mood, Scratch. Come back tomorrow.”

This is where I walk out. I want to. I’m used to it. Has there ever been a time in my life when I didn’t walk away? Instead I go off instinct and flick the lock. If we’re going to be in the back, I don’t want anyone getting in.

My muscles are tight and my brain is telling me I’m being a fucking idiot the whole time I walk down the hall, toward her office in the back.

Bee’s sitting on a black couch wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt with slits in the sleeves. For the first time, she’s not wearing makeup. It doesn’t make her any less gorgeous, maybe younger and a little more innocent.

The light in the room flashes off the small diamond in her nose.

I’ve never been back here before. Boxes are everywhere. Next to her sits her cell phone.

“I said not today. I’m in a shitty mood.”

Her eyes are red and puffy like she’s been crying. For some reason, I can’t stop looking at them. Tears seem like such a foreign thing. They would be from me and they seem like they should be from her too. Mom always cried a lot. Laney too. I never wanted to deal with a woman’s tears. Still, I don’t turn around and leave. “That makes two of us. All the more reason we both need the distraction of Masquerade.”

She picks up her phone, turning it over and over in her hand.

“Distractions aren’t always a good thing. You have to face your life head-on and keep moving. No matter how confused you are or how much something hurts, you keep going.”

I haven’t known her long, but those aren’t her words. “Whoever said that doesn’t know shit. They haven’t been through anything.”

She sighs and looks up at me. “But she has. My family has been through worse things than I have, because they didn’t know what happened. They deal with it better than I do.”

“What happened?” I squeeze the doorknob, shocked and pissed the question came out.

“Nothing.”

“I hung up on my mom not an hour ago. She was wrong, but me even more so. Not because of that. For… things I won’t tell you. Stuff I probably never will.” The words sound harsh but somehow I know she’ll understand them.

For the first time, real, honest sadness shows on her face—in her eyes. Not because of me, but for whatever she’s dealing with. “And I’ll never ask. You’re lucky your mom is wrong sometimes. Mine never is. She’s perfect and loving and understanding, even though she doesn’t get me.”

She bites her bottom lip, looking unsure.

“And you’re not perfect. Neither am I. I’ll never give you shit for that. I get it.”

This time, I can’t read the look she gives me, but I don’t have long to try. Bee pushes to her feet, slowly walking over to me. I notice the swells of her breasts from the V-neck of her shirt and her slender hips. Her purposeful steps and sexy lips.

Fuck, do I want her.

Bee stops right in front of me, the heat of lust and need rolling off her. I don’t question what she wants, just pull the neck of her shirt down and press my mouth to the star on one shoulder, then the other before tracing it with my tongue.

“I guess that means you’re okay with this?” Her voice is breathless as she drops her head back.

“I shouldn’t be, but I am so fucking okay with this.”

Most women probably would have walked out when he said he didn’t want to be okay with it, but just like Maddox said about me, I
get
it.

Those three simple words helped to calm the storm inside me. No one has ever told me they got it—that they got
me
. It was awkward when I came home. My family tried too hard to be what I needed and even though it kills me to admit it, what I needed was Melody and Rex.

I tried to be who my real family expected me to be and I
know
they tried to understand me. Tried to make sense of the connection I felt with the people who took me away. And as I got older, they tried to understand the girl who was different from most of the other girls at school but didn’t care. The one who became obsessed with tattooing and didn’t go to college like my sister, the one who moves around.

I’m the only Malone who didn’t go to school and they’ve never come out and told me I’m a disappointment to them, but the truth is, I know I have to be. That even though they try to “get” me—and the fact that I’m blunt and don’t have a plan other than Masquerade or the ink that’s such a part of me—they don’t.

“I know you want this but remember Masquerade might not work out. Odds are it won’t. It’s important to have something to fall back on.”

“Your sister is doing so well. She might possibly be making top of her class.”

I don’t want another plan besides Masquerade. It’s what I love and I needed their help. So what, I’m not doing as well and they have never met a guy I’ve dated in my life. Those things are so little… only to them, they make me different. The lone Malone who isn’t like the rest.

Thoughts of the phone call with Mom are replaced by Maddox. He said he gets me and there isn’t anything inside me that doesn’t believe him.

“We’re still on the same page, right? Original rules apply?” I shiver as he speaks into my neck, somehow his lips still kissing the tender skin there simultaneously.

“Don’t worry. I’m not the type of girl who sleeps with someone and thinks she’s destined to be with him forever.”

That seems to be all the motivation Maddox needs. He pulls me closer, higher into his arms. My legs automatically wrap around his waist. His mouth is on mine now, kissing me more slowly than he did the first night. More like a girlfriend than a lover, and it makes me pull away. “More,” I tell him as he walks me over to the couch.

“Then stop talking.”

“Pushy, pushy.”

“You’re still doing it,” Maddox grits out before his lips are on mine. He doesn’t lose his groove as he lays me on the couch, fitting between my legs. His erection grinds against me as his tongue explores my mouth.

He knows what he’s doing. I realized that the first night, but even more so now. One of his hands expertly unbuttons my pants, his lips and hips still moving. I tug slightly at his hair, hearing a moan from him.

Then he’s kissing down my neck and taking off my shirt. His tongue swirls around my belly button. “Oh God,” I say huskily as that beginning tingle already forms in the pit of my stomach.

“This is hot.” Maddox nips at my belly-button ring.

“
All
piercings are hot.”

Maddox slides my zipper down and I lift my hips while he slowly pulls my jeans down. “I want to get my nipple done.”

My eyes widen at that. I’m not sure if he’s joking or not. “I’ll do it for you.”

“Hell no.”

A laugh tumbles out of my mouth. When it hits my ears, I snap my mouth closed. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed during sex. Not in a good way at least.

Suddenly Maddox feels too close. My body is hungry for him,
enjoying
him and begging for more, but all sorts of thoughts are rolling through me.
He gets me… I’m laughing with him… It feels too close
.

As soon as my jeans are gone, my panties follow and then he’s pushing a finger inside and I don’t have to remind myself not to laugh. My emotions are safely tucked away and I allow myself to feel.

Feel his finger pump in and out and feel his mouth as he teases my breasts through my bra.

With his teeth he somehow lowers one cup and then,
“Oh God,”
I gasp as his mouth covers my sensitive peak.

The heat in my belly is building higher and hotter, but I’m not ready to finish yet. Neither of us will let ourselves do this again and he’s so good at what he does that I don’t want to go over that ledge without him. I want to take the plunge with Maddox, which is strange in itself, but I don’t know how to really say that.

“I don’t need the foreplay.”

“You sound like you’re enjoying it.” His hand moves faster.

Struggling, I find his button and pull it open before taking his zipper down. When I begin working his pants, he has to pull back, his hand and his mouth suddenly gone, making me wonder what I was thinking. My body craves his touch again.

Unfortunately, Maddox does what I made him think I want, and stands up. He pushes his pants down, his shirt right after, making me change that to
fortunately
.

He is so, so sexy—all tanned skin and defined muscles. Suddenly I really wonder what he would look like with that piercing we were talking about.

Before my imagination can run too wildly, he’s grabbing a condom from his wallet and sliding it down his length. It’s not nearly enough time to admire, but then he’s leaning over me, pushing inside, and my nails are digging into his back and the feeling is
so
much better than admiring.

“Oh God,” I say again, wondering why that seems to be my phrase of choice when I’m with him.

“You don’t have to keep calling me that.”

His joke springs out of nowhere and I can’t stop myself from laughing. “This is no time for jokes.” I fight to take control and then we’re both quiet as we move together.

The heat is back, blazing into an inferno and I know I’m going to take that leap over the edge at any second.

Maddox’s movements come quicker and his breathing more hurried and when I can’t hold it back any longer, I’m spiraling into oblivion with Maddox right behind me.

His body collapses on top of mine. I can tell he’s not resting his full weight on me. Still his weight and this slick, hard body feels… almost comforting? I don’t know, but it freaks me out and makes me try to wiggle out from under him.

“Don’t worry,” Maddox mumbles. “I’m not trying to cuddle. I just can’t move yet.”

Well, that’s putting things into perspective.

Then he shifts, taking care of the condom before tossing it into the can by the couch. “I’ll take the trash out in a minute.”

He relaxes on me again. I almost put my hand on his head, but stop at the last second. It feels too strange, though now I’m not sure what to do with it, so I have one arm on the back of the couch and the other hanging over the edge.

We lie there for a few minutes, no sound in the room except for the mixing of our breaths. Most of the time I feel suffocated when people are too close like this, but as I lie here waiting for that sensation, it doesn’t come. He’s just here and I’m just here, nothing threatening to take me over and freak me out. He gets what I feel, so he doesn’t want to change me and for a few seconds, I want to live in that.

Without warning, Maddox pushes off the couch and stands up. He doesn’t hide his body, not that he would have a reason to, but it’s almost as if it’s normal to walk around naked in front of me. Or not me, I guess, but any woman? A heaviness settles into my gut.

Bending over, he grabs my shirt and tosses it to me before picking up his boxer-briefs. “I’m going to the bathroom to clean up.”

“What happened to ladies first?”

“Really? I would have thought you’d give me shit if I tried to pull that one.”

Eh, I guess he’s right. I can’t have it both ways and want him to act like a gentleman only when it fits me. “You’re right.” Then, on instinct, I reach out and flick his nipple. “So you going to let me do it?” I ask.

“Nope. Not changing my mind either.” Maddox picks up the rest of my clothes and hands them to me. “You got your clothes first. Guess that means you get the bathroom first too.”

He hardly looks at me as he speaks. It isn’t like the tone of his voice changed or he got all flirty when he said the words either, but my heart does this sort of stutter. It’s a little piece of niceness that I didn’t expect from him. Something small and simple. Those are the best kinds of nice things, aren’t they?

Rex and Melody used to say the small things matter more than the big. I didn’t get it when I was younger. I definitely do now.

And it makes me take a step backward. Then another one.

“Hey,” he says right before I step into the restroom. “Is Bee your real name?”

That question somehow reminds me of who I am. Of more of my earlier call.

“Your sister’s boyfriend proposed. I wasn’t surprised when she told me. He’s such a sweet boy. They’ll finish school first, of course. They both know it’s the most important thing.”

What she didn’t say is that’s what Malones do. They’re responsible and proper. They don’t change their names and then fuck some guy because they’re upset about not being who they were born to be. Not that Mom would have ever said that. She’s too kind and loving for that. “No.”

“What is it?”

“If I wanted people to know, I wouldn’t go by Bee.”

He gets this strange look on his face that I can only explain as disconnected. That he’s unplugging or hitting the power button, a look I only recognize because I do it as well. Now I also feel like a bitch. I’m taking my internal shit out on him, which almost feels like opening up. Like being honest. “I’ll tell you when you let me pierce your nipple,” slips out of my mouth, without my planning on it, but it’s perfect.

Maddox doesn’t smile or step closer to me, though now that I think about it, he doesn’t smile often at all. But he suddenly doesn’t seem so far away either.

“You play dirty, Bee.”

“You better believe it, Scratch.”

It’s Maddox’s turn in the bathroom when I hear knocking coming from the front of Masquerade. The second I hear it, I remember I had an appointment set up for today. Holy shit. I totally would have forgotten. Not a real cool way to start my business, but when I let myself get upset, that’s what happens. I sort of shut down, like I did after my phone call with Mom.

Jogging down the hall, I turn into the main area of Masquerade before twisting the lock and opening the door. “Sorry. Something came up,” I tell the guy standing outside the door. I met him the other day when he came in to look at my portfolio. He’s about my age, reddish hair, and already has a little ink on him.

“No problem,” he tells me. About then Maddox comes down the hall, his hair all messed up and looking like he just did exactly what we were doing.

“What’s up?” Maddox nods at him.

“What was your name again?” I ask.

“Dustin.”

“Maddox, Dustin. Dustin this is Maddox. He’s working with me, so he’ll be sitting in.”

Dustin nods as I head to my desk. “I’ll show you what I drew up for you.”

He wants a tree. All black, but he wants it to look old and sort of creepy. It’s going on his bicep.

Both Maddox and Dustin follow me over. I open one of the drawers and pull out the sketch.

“Nice,” Dustin says as he looks at the detailed drawing. The branches have an aged look that I can’t really explain, each of them bent and twisted into different directions. When I look at it, I think it has a story to tell and I’m suddenly upset that the piece is for someone else. It’s experienced and worldly, which probably doesn’t make sense to most people.

“Thanks,” I reply as Maddox says, “Who is it?”

His words make me snap my head toward him, my heart beating faster all of a sudden.

“What do you mean, who is it?”

“There’s a face in the trunk.” He points.

“Oh shit. That’s bad-ass. I didn’t even notice that.” This from Dustin.

Maddox is right. There is, but I say, “It’s not anyone specific. It’s a tree. He wanted it to look scary, and unique. This is how it came out.” And honestly, I didn’t think anyone would notice it.

He gazes down at me as though he doesn’t believe me. I turn away, unable to continue looking at him.

“You did awesome. It’s perfect,” Dustin says, excitement bouncing around in his voice.

“It’s not right…” I shake my head, looking down at it. “It’s missing something.”

Maddox leans over me and points to the paper. “Look at the branches right here. You’ve got part of something right there and you don’t know it. Are you seeing what I am?”

For a minute, I study it, trying to see what Maddox does. I squint, trying to make it out.

And that’s when I see it. All the branches together, with all the little parts sticking off, lying a certain way and somehow resembling feathers. “It’s almost a bird.”

“A crow. The black would blend right in. See this part?” Maddox points again. “Curve it a little. Make the head come around this way. Not everyone will see it, but that makes it more incredible.” He shrugs and steps back. “Only a thought. Not sure if it fits what you’re looking for but—”

“It’s perfect.” I’m seeing it in my head, on the paper, and wondering how I could have missed it before.

“What do you think?” I lean back while Dustin looks it over.

“It’s fucking awesome. I’m down.”

“Cool. Let me fix the sketch real quick.” I tell Dustin to have a seat. Maddox washes his hands before he starts getting the equipment ready for me while I lean over the paper to add Maddox’s bird, wondering how he saw it. Wishing I had. And thinking this tat would have been shit without it.