Master (Chaos Bleeds Book 8) (22 page)

She had been to see a therapist, and even though it was one visit, it had helped Paris to put things into perspective. “Everyone deals with life’s troubles differently.”

“You’re just going to say that? Life’s troubles?”

“What do you want me to say? I can sit here, and cry over the fact my first experience was by a man I couldn’t stand. I was beaten to the point that I begged for death. I was broken, I was hurting, and throughout it all, I was still fighting. I got Lola to send that message. I had every faith that you, Spider, and the Chaos Bleeds MC would save me. You wouldn’t see me dead by that fucker, and I was right. I wasn’t saved right away, but you saved my sister. That bad shit is gone, and maybe I’m lucky because I know he’s never coming back. I can sleep knowing that he’s not laughing anywhere. I’m laughing because I survived. Life goes on. I have to get up in the morning, and if it wasn’t for the club, I’d be working. I get up, I take care of my sister, I do the chores, and we go out. I have no choice. I have to keep on moving, keep on living. Life doesn’t just stop because of what happened.”

Paris had always been able to put her life into a bunch of boxes, and to deal with life’s troubles. Her parents’ deaths, check. She’d arranged the funeral, and dealt with everything on her own. Growing up, she handled the bullies who tried to make fun of her sister. Paris had fought all of her life, and she would keep on fighting.

“You don’t have to be alone to deal with this crap anymore.”

“Are you telling me to have a breakdown?”

He shook his head. “I’m telling you to lean on us a little bit.”

“I think not going to work covers that. I’m not a lazy person. I like to do things, everything myself.”

“I’ve come to see that.”

“Would you like some coffee?”

“I’d love some. Tomorrow Butler is coming over.”

“Will you all be taking turns?”

“Most of the time. You may even get Devil and Lexie on a few visits. Lexie likes to get involved with the club, and not leave it to run itself.”

“Good to know.”

Sinner left the kitchen, and she took a deep breath. It would be a lot easier to just sink down, and let everything build upon her, until she feared going outside that front door.

Andrew, wherever you are, asshole, I’m not going to let you win. You took me, and hurt me in ways no one should ever hurt. I’m done being your bitch. I’m my own person.

Her hands were shaking.

Opening the back door, she inhaled the fresh air, and closed her eyes, facing the sky. “I can do this.”

She stayed at the door for several minutes, basking in the peace. Turning around, she jumped as she saw Celia in the kitchen, staring at her. It was spooky some days staring at herself. She and Celia were twins. They shared the same face, but nothing else. There were times she wished they had that twin connection she had read about so much.

“I’m hungry, Paris,” Celia said. “Can we have some food?”

“Sure, how about I make Nanna’s meatballs? You like them.”

Celia clapped and ran off to tell Sinner all about Nanna’s meatballs. The recipe had been passed down each generation of women, and now she made them for Celia.

“Apparently I’m in for a treat. I get to eat Nanna’s meatballs, but when I ask about Nanna, I’m told she’s in heaven. I’m worried.”

Paris chuckled. “Nanna died a few years ago. It’s a special family recipe that combines ground meats, parmesan, some nuts, and other secret ingredients.” She tapped her nose. “Those are for me to know, and you to never know.”

Sinner laughed. “Fair enough. I have to say if you’re going to start feeding me then I’m more than happy to come here, and enjoy the fruits of your labor.”

Paris grabbed the meat out of the fridge while thinking about Spider. He wouldn’t be enjoying the fruits of her labor because he never came to see her.

“You were the first woman Spider ever really cared about.”

She looked up to find Sinner sat at the table. “You’re going to watch me cook?”

“Why not? Are you going to keep avoiding the obvious?”

She tilted her head to the side, staring at him. “Spider has been avoiding me, Sinner. Not the other way around.”

“Why don’t you go to the club?” he asked.

She stared down at the ground beef and shook her head. “You don’t get it. He chased me, and he was the one to walk away. I’m not going to hunt for him. I need him to be ready to deal when the time comes.”

“Spider’s a stubborn ass.”

“So am I. This is not my problem.”

Sinner sighed. “Do me this one favor, and I’ll never bring it up again, call him. Keep it on speaker phone so I can hear what he says, and what goes on.”

“If I do this, you’ll stop?”

“Yeah, I’ll stop.”

She blew out a breath and took the phone from him. “This is a waste of time. Let’s see.”

“Why don’t you try and invite him to dinner or something. Spider never says no to dinner.”

Grabbing his cell phone, she found Spider’s name, and after a brief hesitation, she clicked on his name. Her heart was racing once again, which seemed to be the way her body reacted in these events.

You can do this.

“Sinner, what’s up?” Spider asked.

“It’s not Sinner, it’s me, Paris,” she said.

There was a second’s pause. “Hey, Paris … is something wrong?”

She didn’t look at Sinner, hating how guarded Spider sounded.

“Nothing’s wrong. It has been some time since I last saw you, and I wanted to see how you were doing.”

Biting her lip, she waited for a response.

“I’m doing good. You?”

“I’m doing great.” She glanced up to see Sinner shaking his head. “So, I was wondering if you’d like to come to my place, and we can have some dinner?”

“I can’t right now.”

“Maybe in the future? Tomorrow?”

She heard him curse, and that was when she struggled to contain her sadness. The tears that she’d been fighting to keep at bay came forward, and started to fill her eyes. Sinner reached over, taking hold of her hand. It was too much, and it was the wrong man.

“Look, I’m busy right now.”

“Call me when you’re not so busy.”

“Bye.”

He hung up.

“Will you let it go now?” she asked.

“Shit, Paris, I’m so sorry,” Sinner said.

“Whatever Spider and I were going to have, it has gone. Andrew took it.”

She stared down at the meat once again, took several deep breaths, and went to grab the other ingredients. Never was she going to put so much hope into a guy. Never again. Being alone was a lot easier than trusting another person.

****

“Are you fucking stupid?” Sinner asked, walking into the main clubhouse.

Several of the guys who weren’t attached to old ladies, turned to look at him. Devil was still there with Vincent, and they were going over some paperwork.

“What the fuck?” Spider asked.

Sinner shoved him hard. “You went chasing after that girl, watching every single one of her strip shows, and now, you’re what? Running away.”

“What is going on between Paris and me is none of your fucking business.”

“None of my business? I made her call you today. I thought if you heard her voice you’d at least see that she’s waiting for you. Instead, I was fucking embarrassed with the way you acted. You’re breaking that girl apart.”

“Andrew fucking broke her, and it’s all my fault.”

Sinner shook his head. “He hurt her, and she’s healing.” Pointing his finger at Spider, he couldn’t believe the asshole. “You’re the one that is going to break her.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’ve spent time with her. Fuck, even Butler has spent time with her. You just don’t see it, do you? You don’t see what you’ve got, and you’re going to let it slip through your fingers, for what? For guilt?”

“I made her suffer.”

“This is not about you! This is about Paris, and you’re being too damn selfish to see what is right in front of you.” Sinner threw his hands up in the air. “You know what, I’m done. If you can’t get your head out of your ass, then if she moves on, it’s your own fault.”

****

Paris rushed toward the phone as it started to ring. She didn’t want it to wake Celia up, and after her conversation with Lexie, Paris just wanted to relax. Lexie wanted her to go see a therapist to talk through her troubles.

“Hello,” she said.

“Hello, Paris, did I get you at a bad time?”

She frowned, not recognizing the voice. “Who is this?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s Angel. I should have told it was me, silly, I’m so sorry.”

“What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Has something bad happened?” Paris wondered if Andrew had gotten someone somewhere to take over from what he’d done. Crap, she’d promised herself that she would never think about him, and yet here he was, invading her thoughts. She didn’t want to think of him. This was where she struggled with getting over the past. Andrew had invaded her thoughts too often since she’d woken up in the hospital. He was dead, and he was never coming back.

“No, everything is fine. I just wanted to call, to talk. I thought that would be okay for me to do. If you don’t, I can hang up, I’m so sorry.”

Feeling like a real bitch, Paris shook her head, hating her response. “It’s okay. It’s me, and I was the one that fucked up. I’m so sorry. I thought something had happened.”

“I should have warned you that I get quite close to people. I like to call, talk, and just get to know one another.”

Taking a seat, Paris held the phone to her ear, slowly calming down. She didn’t like how tense she’d become at the mere thought of Andrew.

“How’re the kids?” Paris asked.

“They’re beautiful. Anthony is doing really well in school. Chloe, she’s a darling like always. She’s got her father wrapped around her little finger. It’s so adorable to watch. I worry when she gets older, he’s going to be a sucker.”

“You’ll always be number one to Lash.”

“How is Celia?”

“She’s doing really well. I’m so pleased there is no lasting damage of what Andrew did to her.”

“What about you?” Angel asked.

“I’m doing … fine.”

“If you ever need to talk, we’re all here.”

“Who is that?” Paris heard someone shout in the background.

“Hey,” Angel said. “I was talking.”

“Put it on speaker. Hey, Paris, it’s Lacey here. How are you doing?”

“Angel has Paris on the phone. Hey, Paris, this is Rose. How are you holding up?”

“I’m sorry, Paris, you’re on speaker. Nearly all the ladies are here.”

Paris chuckled. “I’m doing well.”

“I bet you’re feeling much better hearing from us, aren’t you?” Tate asked. “We are awesome.”

“Correction,
we’re
awesome. You, Tate, are a pain in the ass,” Prue said.

Paris giggled, listening to them. She stayed on the phone for well over an hour, and at the end of it, she was happier for it. They had all told her that if she needed to talk to anyone, she only had to call.

“Paris,” Celia said, drawing her attention to her sister.

“Hey, what are you doing out of bed?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I dreamed of the bad man. The man who made you scream.”

Once again, her stomach turned as she recalled the same memories that Celia spoke about. Andrew had left a mark with her, a constant reminder of what he did. “Well, that bad man is never going to hurt you, or me.” She got to her feet, pulling her twin into a hug. She closed her eyes as Celia stroked her hair.

“I missed you, Paris.”

“I missed you, too. Come on, time to go to bed.” She took her sister’s hand, and took her to the bedroom. Paris waited for Celia to get under the covers. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she pushed some of Celia’s hair out of the way.

“I’m scared.”

“There’s no need to be afraid. I’m here, and I’ll always be here with you.”

Slowly, Celia started to close her eyes. Even when her sister was fast asleep, Paris didn’t move. She stayed staring at her sister for as long as she could. She couldn’t live without her, and she never wanted to. Glancing over at the time, she saw it was getting late, so she got to her feet, letting out a breath. Closing Celia’s door, Paris made her way toward her own room, and paused in front of her full length mirror. There were dark shadows underneath her eyes, and she looked a little poorly. Considering everything she’d gone through, she didn’t look too bad.

“I’m going to get through this. You’re not going to control me. You’re dead, I’m alive. You don’t control me anymore.”

Chapter Seventeen

Three months later

“How are you feeling today, Paris?” Annie, the therapist, asked. Paris hated going to the therapist more than anything else. Always the same questions, the mindless repetition of life.

“I’m doing good. Um, Devil got Celia into a good school, which means during the day throughout the week I can do some college work.” Paris tucked her hair behind her ear. Lacey had been visiting from Fort Wills last week and had given her a trim. Well, it was more than a trim but not a full-fledged cut. She ran her fingers through it, loving how it shaped her face, and made her look and feel older. It was nice to have something different to do. Lacey was a lovely woman, and Paris adored her. She loved her conversations with The Skulls women. They were all so amazing, and boisterous. She found their love of life intoxicating.

“How many times have we shared?”

“About eight, I think.”

“I’ve been trying to increase the number of times you visit,” Annie said. “Why won’t you see me more?”

“I don’t need to. I’m here as an advisory from Lexie. I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

“It has been nearly four months since you were saved, and three months out of the hospital.”

“Yep.” She said the p with a pop to it. This hour she spent with Annie was the longest of her life. She sat on a comfy sofa, and stared at woman dressed in a smart business suit, as she made notes on her pad. Every now and then, Paris looked out of the window to see what was happening. It was fall once again. Leaves were falling off the trees, and it had started to get cold.

“Where do you see yourself in a year from now? Two years from now?”

“I imagine one year from now I’m still coming to see you, and a second year, I don’t know. I don’t have to come and see you anymore, and I can just get stuck in my work without ever having to worry about seeing you again.” The thought of another year sitting with Annie actually made her feel sad. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the woman. Paris was never the kind of person to talk about her feelings. Not when her parents died, not when she took over caring for her sister, and certainly not now. By not thinking about it, and just getting on with her life, that was how she was healing.

Just last week when she, Sinner, and Celia went shopping, she was able to go to the bathroom all by herself without fear. For Paris, that was a win for her.

“I know you don’t want to come and see me, Paris. What I want is for you to talk to me.”

“You want me to talk about what happened, and then you want me to cry, and then focus on ways to mend.”

“See, you understand. This is all in your control.”

Paris shook her head. “I understand what
you
want me to do. You refuse to accept how I want to do this. Talking about it, will what? Make me cry?”

“It will allow you to deal with what happened.”

She snorted. “Annie, I’m dealing with what happened. He’s no longer around to hurt me. He’s never going to hurt me again. This isn’t where he goes to prison, and he could be released on parole for good behavior. This man is dead. D-E-A-D. That’s how I’m dealing with it. I come here, to sit and do as I’ve been asked to.” Tears once again filled her eyes. “You want to really know what happened? Andrew came to my house, and because I was doing the fucking dishes, Celia opened the door. As I was about to see who it was, I saw him with a gun pressed to her head, and his little sidekick, Russell standing there. I wanted to fight, and they shoved a few things around, made it look like we fought. Russell then hit me, and made sure I left a little blood at the scene. When I finally came to after being knocked unconscious, I was beaten, raped, beaten some more. He made me watch as he hit my sister Celia, and I begged him to hurt me. To never hurt my sister. I would die for her. When Spider made it out of his injuries alive, I watched them take her, and I was happy about that. I was happy for her because I knew they’d keep her safe. The beatings kept happening, but I think he lost his appeal with a bruised body. After a while he was no longer interested in me. Then, Lola came. She was this amazing tech buff. He’s destroyed her love of technology. She’s terrified every single day. Last I heard, she won’t even hold a cell phone. This the kind of stuff you want me to talk about? Express my feelings to show you that I’m growing?” Folding her arms, she kept her gaze on Annie.

“You’ve been in a lot of pain.”

“No different from everyone else.”

“We all deal differently.”

“Exactly,” Paris said. “This is how I deal. This is how I make sure I keep on going. I’m moving on, Annie.”

Her therapist glanced at the clock. It was the first time she had ever done that. Usually Paris was the one to look at the clock. The silence hung heavy in the air between them, and all the time, she kept on staring at her.

“What are you thinking?” Paris asked, unable to handle not knowing.

Annie looked a little uncomfortable. “To be honest, I don’t know how to help you. I help by having people talk about their situation, and then move on.”

“You want to talk about a situation, prior to being taken, Spider showed a great deal of interest in me. He wanted to fuck me, and guess what? I was a virgin. Since I’ve been taken, I haven’t seen him. Do you have a reason for that?” Many nights she woke in a cold sweat from the nightmares of what Andrew did. She felt sick to her stomach that even with him dead, Andrew was still there, taunting her. He resided in her head all the time, and Paris had to deal with that herself.

Annie’s cheeks went a deeper shade of red. “When something like this happens, people struggle to deal with the consequences.”

“Spider’s guilty?”

“He’s feeling guilty, and that’s what is eating away at him.”

“How do you know that?” Paris asked.

“From what you’ve told me, he’s suffering.”

“Tell me—”

The buzzer went off signaling their time had come to an end, which only pissed her off. The one time she was willing to talk, and the session hadn’t lasted long enough for her.
Whatever!
She didn’t need a therapist. She was handling everything on her own anyway.

“I’ll see you in two weeks, Paris.”

Grabbing her gloves, Paris left the room, not looking back. Sinner was in the waiting room, playing on his cell phone as she approached.

“How did it go?”

“I don’t know. Do you have any reason to think why my therapist would know that Spider is feeling guilty and he’s hurting?” Paris asked.

Sinner cursed and pocketed his cell phone. Together they walked toward the car, and she linked her arm through his. “Are you going to tell me?”

She got into the car, snuggling into her jumper, and fighting against the chill.

“Spider has been going to see Annie.”

“What?” Paris asked.

“You heard me. She’s been helping him to deal with his own problems.”

“Spider’s in therapy? He’s having therapy? Why?”

Sinner stared straight ahead outside of the windscreen. “The guilt, it’s eating away at him, and he’s even tried to come and see you several times, but he can’t do it.”

“He’s tried to see me?” Her heart started to race. She’d thought Spider had lost all attraction for her.

“He has, and I’ve seen him standing there, staring at your house.”

“When?”

“I’ve been drawing the curtains, and there he has been sitting, straddling his bike, guarding you. He’ll be gone in the morning, but he’s struggling, Paris.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.

“Because you’re already hurting, and there’s not a lot you can do to help him.” Sinner reached over, and patted her knee. “He’ll be okay.”

“I had no idea that he was seeing a therapist.”

“It’s something he needed to do. It has helped him to deal with some of the effects of what has happened.”

“Has anyone else?” she asked. “I know Lola talks to one.”

“No one else. We all handle things in our own way.”

“I get that. It still sucks.”

“There’s nothing you can do about it. Can I ask you for a favor?” Sinner asked.

“Sure. Ask away.”

“Don’t give up on Spider. He’s getting there, and this hit him harder than any of us could have ever anticipated.”

Licking her dry lips, she nodded. “Sure, I don’t mind waiting.” There wasn’t anyone else she wanted to spend time with.

“Thank you. So we don’t need to pick Celia up until around four. I was thinking we could get some groceries, what do you think?”

“I’d like that.”

“Also, we’re planning a Thanksgiving visit with The Skulls. Would you like to come?”

Paris nodded. “Hell yeah. Angel, Sandy, and Tate used to visit me in the hospital, and we talk on the phone. How have they been? I haven’t heard from them in a couple of days.”

“They’re doing good. Babies are all growing up, and Prue is pregnant with her and Zero’s first baby.”

“Oh, my God, how awesome is that? Do they know the sex yet?”

“Not yet. Also, Kelsey gave birth to another boy. They’ve called him David.”

“I can’t wait to see them. I’m invited, right?”

“Paris, you and Celia are invited to all of the Chaos Bleeds events. It was you that didn’t come to the barbeques that were organized, or the picnics. We worry about you.”

“I only worked for you. There’s nothing important about me.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. You’ve been really important to all of us, and we all know how Spider feels about you.”

“I do enjoy your company. Butler’s funny as well. Reese is nice, too. I’m not too sure on Slash. I think I saw him sniffing my knife set, which was just weird.”

“Slash likes his knives, and he’s a good expert on them.”

“I bet.” She ran fingers through her hair, and sat back. “Do you think the only way to get over what happened is to talk about it?”

Sinner groaned. “Don’t ask me that.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not a therapist, or a doctor. I don’t know what makes people tick, or their heads. Some people handle things differently.”

“Would you want to talk about it?”

“Me, no. I’m more of a hands-on kind of guy. I wouldn’t talk, I’d just carry on.”

“I thought so.”

“The thing is … I’m not you, Paris. I haven’t gone through what you had to go through, and what you had to go through was some really serious shit.”

Paris took a deep breath, hearing the concern in his voice. “Annie wants to talk about it. That’s what therapists do, they talk.”

“Why don’t you set the pace for when you’re ready? This happened to you, no one else. Only you can decide what you do or not. No one else.”

Sitting back, Paris thought about what Sinner said. He made a valid point. This was her life, and her body. There were times in the middle of the night where she’d wake up from a nightmare. She’d get out of bed, and go check on her sister. One of the Chaos Bleeds’ boys stayed with her at night. They took turns, and it was nice to have the change of company. She’d watch her sister sleep, and then go down stairs to have a drink of water, and stare outside. In those moments she’d think about Spider, and how nice it would be to have him standing with her, his arms wrapped around her body, helping her to deal with the dreams.

She hoped that Spider got to deal with whatever had been plaguing him. She missed him, and wished this void between them could be closed. A couple of times she had seen him, but Spider had found all kinds of excuses to leave.

Watching him leave, to her were the hardest moments of her life.

Maybe one day, he’d stop running away, and talk to her.

****

Millie stared out of the shop window into the street. People were going about their daily business as if it was a regular day, which it was, to most. It was the same day to her as well. She watched people come and go, wondering what was going on in their lives, and as she did, she couldn’t stop thinking about Baker.

He hadn’t tried to see her, and she didn’t know if she should be sad about that or not. Ever since lockdown had been lifted, and she’d been able to go home, nothing was the same with her. She went through the motions of her life, going to work, going home, cooking, eating, reading, and nothing happened.

Stepping away from the window, she rounded the desk, and stared at the day’s worth of deliveries that she had prepped.

The same old boring routine.

Why did he have to ask her out?

Why did he have to forcibly take her to the clubhouse?

The person who had changed her life was the same person she wanted to keep at arm’s length. Baker. He was dangerous, and she hadn’t been lying to him either. Millie didn’t want to be second best, not to his first wife, and she just knew he’d make comparisons.

The doorbell rang, and she glanced over to see Eva entering the shop. “How come your signs aren’t out?”

“I didn’t feel like putting them out today. Most of the time people ignore them.” She opened a magazine that advertised toys, hoping it would inspire her.