Authors: Lee Pletzers
“
I don’t recall interrupting
you
when you were speaking, young man,” the avatar said harshly. “Try it again and you’ll be in a
coma.
”
With a bad case of the shakes, Kyle grabbed his slimy chair and staggered to a corner of the room, as far away from
it
as he could. Yet somehow, he remained. The smell of the vomit was washed away by a tsunami of spirits: schnapps, brandy, rum, whiskey, wine; they hung in the air like mist, mixing expertly and deliciously.
“
You call me ‘cunning’, ‘baffling’, ‘powerful’…” Brandy said. “I’d go along with ‘powerful’, since I
lubricate
your entire civilization, such as it is…without me, half of your love affairs, your books, your songs, your fantasies…they’re
gone
, just plain gone. But
baffling?
What the hell is baffling about me? You drink, you get drunk, you fall down, no problem. You know what I do; the only thing I
can
do. After a thousand years, you finally came up with warning labels: don’t drive a car, don’t operate heavy machinery! How fucking simple was that?! And
cunning
? I don’t think so. That presumes I have an agenda. I don’t. I do my job, the job everybody
wants
me to do
. Let me tell you what I’m going to do tonight: I’m going to help a kid stand up to a bully that he wouldn’t have the guts to stand up to before. He’s going to get lucky and knock that sucker out, and he won’t be bullied again. Then I’m going to help a guy propose to the girl who’s going to be his wife. He needs
me
to help him, because although his
soul
loves her, his
brain
isn’t monogamous…none of you are. Do any of you know where the word ‘honeymoon’ comes from? It’s because newlyweds were given
honey
mead for a cycle of the
moon
so they could stand each other in their arranged marriage long enough for the man to impregnate the woman, and then the kid would cement them together. Never mind…Next, I’m going to help a girl tell another guy to get out of her life, because she knows they’re no good together, but she doesn’t have the guts to tell him normally…and he
will
get out of her life, and they’ll both be better for it. I’m going to help another man write a country-western song, I’m going to give another one an idea for a new painting, I’m going to help another one imagine an invention so crazy it’ll actually
work
. Those are just the headlines. In other news, I’m going to help a thousand people find each other, and a hundred people make love. Most everybody else, is just going to have a good time.”
She stood up. “What are
you
going to do tonight? Let me guess. You’re all going to go home and
hide
.”
The voice was like a whiplash, but somehow Rick found it oddly seductive. Although she’d commanded his attention, from the corner of his eye he saw Deacon Blues clutch at his chest, his hand disappearing between his shirt buttons. He seemed to be imitating Napoleon.
Heart attack?
Rick wondered.
No, he was clutching at his Rosary beads. Rick felt a brief stab of envy; he wished
he
had something to clutch; a woman, a bottle, a scalpel, anything at all. But he didn’t. All he had was a coroner’s stoicism, and even that seemed to be melting away…
Deacon Blues stood up. “You know something? We
will
go home tonight, because we
have
homes to go to. We won’t be groping some stranger, or puking, or fighting, or crashing our cars. We won’t end up sick, or in jail…and we won’t be hiding. We’ll be
ignoring you.
The people that use you—
they’re the ones who are hiding.
They think they
need
you to relax, or feel better, or interact with other people. They need a crutch. They need an excuse…when they’re really just stupid, or scared, or weak. It doesn’t make a difference; they’re all
wrong
.”
Brandy scowled, as a child might scowl at an unruly pet. Her brown eyes grew horribly
darker,
as their whites vanished. It was as if someone was pumping dark fluid through them, and Rick had a good idea of what fluid it was.
She took a step forward, and as she did the very air in the room changed. It was no longer a
scent
of high-proof liquor, it was a
fog
of it. It was as if Brandy had opened a huge canister of an aerosol gas, only the gas was alcohol. She took another moment to stare down Deacon Blues, and in that moment the entire room was saturated. The very walls bled bourbon.
Rick, who was accustomed to the most noxious of gases, ripped his T-shirt up over his mouth and nose…and still got a contact high. The others faired considerably worse. An older man took a deep breath of the sweet, stinging air and died right in his seat. Another man vomited helplessly. Phoebe and three others slumped in their chairs, drooling with idiotic smiles. Kyle and four more people half-ran, half staggered to the door behind Brandy, and wrestled through it. She turned to watch them leave, then shrugged, and turned back to Matt.
She took a deep breath of her own wretched excess, and grinned. “I think I smell…
sour grapes
,” She sighed with sarcasm. “With a shot of self-righteousness. Let me give you a little revelation about your entire
race
. You’re
all
stupid. You’re
all
scared. You’re
all
weak. It’s because you’re all tragically flawed
mortals.
You’re talking
monkeys
, walking
dust
! It’s too bad you’re allergic to me, because I’m the only friend you’ve got on this waterlogged rock. Your lives mean nothing…birth, school, work, death! That’s if you’re
lucky
! If you’re not, you get heartbreak, poverty, war, disease!
I
didn’t trap you in this maze of horror, I’m the way
out
! Who takes all your pain away?
I
do!” Brandy was raving now, spraying spittle everywhere, her voice louder than a thousand bottles breaking at once.
Rick hovered on the edge of consciousness. The right half of his brain was at a swinging party, making out with two girls at once while guzzling champagne from a slipper. The left half of his brain guessed that he had perhaps one or two minutes left in this toxic atmosphere before he passed out. Possibly for good. Then the halves of his brain started arguing.
Great! Let’s pass out, and we can stay at this party! C’mon, Left, you’re too damned uptight! Look, Metallica’s playing! There are hot chicks crawling out of the woodwork! And there’s beer! Whiskey! Schnapps! And TEQUILA! Lots of Tequila!
Crowed the right half.
Be with you in a minute
, the left half replied calmly.
Rick’s got to help Deacon Blues first
.
Help him HOW?
Right snickered.
Merely by distracting her
, Left said.
Thought became action. Rick looked up at the Avatar, and now saw two of her.
He squinted, and addressed the one on the left. “You—take all th’ pain away? Seems t’ me ya cause much pain—as you emilina—elinima—mmm, as you stop. Prob’ly more,” he slurred. From the corner of his eye, he saw Deacon Blues grab something from his pocket. He couldn’t identify it; all he could see was that it gleamed slightly.
Brandy glowered at him. “You’ve got it backwards, you idiot. Didn’t you ever see the bumper sticker ‘Avoid Hangovers—Stay Drunk’? You don’t feel pain when you drink, you feel pain when you stop drinking. You don’t get the shakes or the delirium tremens when you’re drunk, you get them when you’re sober. All your petty inhibitions and fears haunt you until you drink, not afterwards. Stupid monkey,” she hissed, then stopped. She frowned at the small cross at the end of Matt’s Rosary, now held out towards her face, at eye level.
“
Rick…don’t. Get out of here. Take the others with you,” Matt said.
Rick raised an eyebrow; even that in itself seemed difficult. “All of ‘em?! I can’t—”
“
Try.”
Rick nodded, got out of his chair and fell to the floor. He tried to get up, failed, then started crawling towards the first of the comatose alcoholics left in the room.
Brandy smirked at the Rosary. “Nice workmanship. Are you
selling
it, or giving it to me?”
“
Neither.” Deacon Blues gasped, controlling his breath with furious effort. “Get thee behind me. In the name of God the Father…”
She guffawed. “And the Son…the same Son who turned water into wine, right?” She chuckled softly, reaching calmly into an interior pocket and took out a small carafe of blood-red merlot. “Try again.”
“
Okay,” he said, and brought his other fist up in a savage arc, a left hook from a two hundred and twenty-pound weightlifter that would have knocked any man across the room. Instead, his fist sank into the side of her face, then into a chilling space of fluids, and out the other side, all within the space of a heartbeat. There was not a mark on her, and she hadn’t moved a millimeter.
Rick reached Phoebe, and slapped her across the face. Her head rolled limply; she still regarded the ceiling with a languid smile. “Don’ hit me, Devon…c’mon, le’s have a drink…” she mumbled.
Deacon Blues shuddered, but didn’t drop the Rosary. Somewhere inside him he knew this entity couldn’t be exorcised…much less punched…but he needed her attention on the Cross. His other hand sweated around the object it concealed. “What do you want?” He sighed.
Rick pushed Phoebe and the man sitting next to her backwards in their chairs. They fell over onto the floor, still senseless. Neither Matt nor Brandy looked over at the crash. Rick grabbed Phoebe and the man by their collars and started hauling them towards the door. The carpet gurgled beneath them, sodden with booze.
Brandy sipped from her bottle, except that it was a pint of Crown Royal now. “What do I want? I want some goddamned respect. I’m entitled, I think.”
Matt shook his head. He, too, had double vision now; he closed his left eye to focus on her, just as he’d done to line up the lanes of the highway. “Respect? Please. You’ve got slaves all over the world. I’m only one man. I’m just walking dust, remember? I doubt you need my respect.”
Rick got Phoebe and the other man through the door, out into the humid rain, and the outside air revived him slightly. He saw Kyle a few yards away, white-faced and trembling with nausea. “Kyle! Help me out here. We’ve got to get the others out of the room.” Without waiting, Rick lurched back inside.
Kyle remembered a sign that read For This I Am Responsible. He sucked in a deep breath, and followed.
Brandy smiled sadly, and placed a soft hand on Matt’s chest. “Okay, you got me. I don’t need your respect. If it’s any consolation, you’ve got mine…you stood up to me, you took away some of my ‘slaves’…” She sighed, and got closer. Her voice was no longer that of a raging tyrant, but an old lover’s. Matt’s heart thundered in his chest. His clothes were soaked with liquor, while his throat was agonizingly dry. It isn’t fair…
“
Listen, I meant what I said earlier. I’m sorry about what happened. I know you’ve gone through a lot of pain, and you keep going through it. Blaming yourself. Torturing yourself…for what? A life that would have ended anyway, and another that hadn’t even begun? I hate to see you like this, Matt. I want to stop the pain. I want to do my job.” She held the bottle close, tilting it toward him. “I want you back.”
The bottle had changed again; its liquid was now green, and its label read ABSINTHE.
Rick and Kyle dragged the last of Brandy’s victims through the door, except for the dead man. Rick turned back to see his sponsor helpless in his nemesis’ embrace.
He tried desperately to think of some way to intervene…but even as he did, he felt tentacles of tequila reaching for him once more.
Matt dropped the Rosary, and his mouth opened, trembling. Brandy smiled, and held the bottle up for him. “I
told
you I’m the only friend you’ve got…”
Before the first drop could scorch his tongue, he brought his other hand up, directly between himself and his ex-lover. It held an old but still gleaming Zippo lighter. He closed his eyes, flicked the lighter’s wheel, and humbly asked God to remove his shortcomings.
Rick had one second to stare in horror, then another to turn and launch himself through the door.