Authors: Lisa Lace
I looked back at her when I got to the doorway.
"I'm sorry, Sarallia," I said, feeling empty inside. "But I already have."
Dar and I had started on a tour of the planet, hoping that seeing places with me would trigger memories. I hoped this therapy was doing something for him, because it was simply painful for me. Right now we were at an active volcano.
We walked around it and I shivered, remembering how close we had come to death. Dar stopped and stared at a platform we had been left on. Did he remember anything about it? Did he remember getting so dehydrated that I had almost lost him?
His mother's treachery still made me sick to my stomach. But she had obviously turned over a new leaf â I was pretty sure of that after our last conversation. At the time, she had been protecting Dar. Now she knew that I cared about him and she believed that I was his sheeranla. I hoped that she would never do anything to hurt either one of us again.
"Do you remember something?" I said, breaking my own rule about not asking him.
He frowned.
"No. Nothing."
I nodded.
"Let's go. I wish I could forget what happened here, too."
He gazed at me intently but I turned away to get back into the hovercraft. I didn't want him asking difficult questions because I didn't feel like giving the answers.
Our final stop was the oasis. I had left it for last because I was avoiding it.
I didn't want to remember what had happened here. It was ironic that one of us was trying desperately to remember while the other just wanted to forget.
We walked through the warm, wet air enjoying the respite from the dry heat of the desert. I led him through the foliage until we came out at the spot where I had emerged alive having completed the ritual that would make me Susohnnan.
I looked around, feeling all the fear and despair that I had felt before â along with the courage and strength that I had gained in a test of my endurance and spirit. Absentmindedly, I rubbed my hip where the scar was located.
Then I glanced at Dar and realized that it had all been in vain because I had lost him anyway.
"I remember having a flashback in this place. But I can't actually recall the memory or anything about what happened here," he said, looking despondent.
"That's okay," I said and I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my voice. "You can make new memories here, with someone else."
"Kenna, please," he said, looking pained.
"Sorry. Sorry," I said, raising my hands in a gesture of apology. "Come on, there's one more spot we need to visit."
"Okay," he said and followed me.
It only took a few minutes to get to the cave entrance. It was right where I remembered it. I stepped forward and pressed the triangle. I glanced over at him. But he was completely surprised when the doorway in the rock opened up.
Damn. I thought that might jog something, but apparently not.
I walked into the cave, not waiting to see if he followed me. A few seconds later, and we were in the middle of a huge cavern that had beautiful colors flowing across the ceiling. I gazed up at the natural loveliness around me but I couldn't find it in my heart to properly appreciate it.
I was so bitter and disappointed, lately, that those feelings were pushing out any other emotions.
"What is this place?" he said, sounding as awestruck as I had been the first time he had brought me here.
"A safe haven," I told him. I was echoing back words he had said to me in the past.
I remembered how I had asked him why he was going to so much trouble for me. That was when he told me that he loved me.
"This place feels important, Kenna. Why?" he said, looking over at me.
I didn't want to tell him, but what if my knowledge could help him remember? I owed him that.
I met his eyes, swallowing hard.
"You told me that you loved me here," I said, trying not to think about how it had felt when he had said it. "Not for the first time, but it was special."
His eyes seemed fixated on my face and I couldn't look away.
"I said: But I haven't told you that I loved you back. And you said..."
"I never asked you to," he finished and for a moment his eyes changed. He was my Dar. He was back.
Then he blinked his eyes and everything was forgotten again.
"Dar?" I said, staring at him. He had just been here! Now he was only a stranger again.
"Yeah?" he said. "What were you saying? I blanked out there for a second."
I looked at him. This was too cruel. How would I get through this?
"Nothing," I said. "I wasn't saying anything. Would you like to move on now?"
"Sure," he said. "I'm not getting anything here."
We wandered through the caves further than I had gone before and I remembered what else had happened in here. He had made love to me and it was the first time I ever had two orgasms in a row.
"We should turn around," I said. "We're getting into the part of the caves that I don't know very well."
"Sure. When you came here with me before, you didn't explore?"
"No," I said. "We were busy."
"Ah," he said and didn't ask anymore.
We returned to the spot where we had made love in the big cavern and I realized I was extremely thirsty. The caves were so hot and humid. And I hadn't thought to bring a water bottle. We had been out all afternoon.
"Wait, Dar," I said, putting my hand on his arm. It had been an unconscious thing, to stop him. But electricity flowed between us â as hot and passionate as when he had remembered me. He stared at me, his breathing fast and irregular.
I pulled my hand away as if he was burning me. Maybe he was. "Sorry. I just need a drink. There's a little spring here with clean water."
"Oh, okay," he said, stepping away from me. "I'll keep going. I think I know that way."
I turned away from him and went to the spring to drink, scooping up the fresh, clean water and drinking deeply. Then I took some of the water and splashed it on my face. The water was so cool and I was feeling so hot that I needed immediate relief. I took water and poured it down my chest, soaking my shirt.
"That's better," I murmured to myself.
Then I heard a cough. I turned my head to see him still standing there â frozen. He had been watching me. I stood and turned towards him. His eyes dropped to my chest and then he wrenched them away and back up to my face. I glanced down at myself and saw that the white Susohnnan shirt with a diamond cut into it, showing off my flat tummy, was now completely see-through.
I stared at him, feeling both embarrassed and pained. I made no attempt to cover myself. He moved towards me slowly, as if in a dream.
Oh Lord.
Then he was standing in front of me. I closed my eyes as he leaned in to kiss me. While I waited for his lips to touch mine, a few thoughts flew through my mind. Was I going to let him kiss me? Wasn't I supposed to be strong?
The truth was that I wanted to kiss him so badly that there was no way I was going to stop him. I wasn't that strong.
Our lips met and I felt an explosion of energy radiating into every part of my body. His tongue tangled with mine and I pressed myself against him. One of his hands came up between us and cupped my breast. I guess he hadn't forgotten how to do THAT.
Oh, yes. I needed him so badly. How would I ever live without him?
Finally he pulled away.
"We were made for each other," he whispered, gazing into my eyes.
"And no one in the universe is going to keep us apart," I finished for him. It was what he had told me before we made love in this cave.
I couldn't stop myself from saying the words, but they seemed to have broken the spell.
I saw when he forgot me again. And when the realization hit him that my wet, hard nipples were pressing into his chest. And that his erection was pressing into my belly.
He stepped back quickly.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know what's going on."
I shook my head.
"Nothing. Nothing's going on," I said and practically ran out of the cavern.
He caught up to me outside the cave but I kept walking. I didn't want him to see the tears streaming down my face. This was too much. I had thought that I could do this, but I couldn't.
When I wouldn't stop, he grabbed my hand, spinning me back towards him.
"Kenna. Stop. Please."
"What? What do you want from me, Dar?" I said, shouting.
He searched my face.
"I don't know. But something happened in there. And I want to know what it was. Uh, how did you end up..."
"So close to you?" I said, feeling the anger and bitterness filling me again. I was unable to stop it. "You came over and kissed me and...touched me."
His eyes dropped to my shirt which was plastered to my body, my large dusky nipples â still in tight buds â showing clearly.
"Um, yeah, I remember that part."
"You better. Earlier, you also repeated a phrase from the past that you said to me when we were here before. You were remembering for a split second but then you forgot again."
He frowned.
"Next time, you should stop me."
"I'm sorry, Dar, but if you can't stop yourself, how am I going to be able to stop you? Besides, I can't help how I respond to you. I haven't forgotten a second of our time together. Nothing in ME has changed." I turned away from him, unable to look at his face any longer.
"I've hurt you, Kenna. I'm sorry." he said, sitting on a large boulder and putting his hand on his head. I watched him for a long time, waiting for him to make the next move. "Nothing makes sense."
He looked up at me and I nodded. Then he stood up and stepped towards me â too close, of course, so my nipples brushed his chest and stood up at attention again.
"One thing makes sense. When I'm kissing you," he said. He bent his head and claimed my lips as his own.
I was swept away by the emotions and sensations flowing through my body. Part of me was enjoying every moment of it. But part of me was saying that it wasn't right to let him play with me like this.
I had to be strong for both of us.
After a couple of minutes, the part of me that was talking sense gained control of my body and I stepped away from him.
"Dar," I said. "One of us has to be mature. This is not a good idea. You said so yourself. You told me you wanted a break."
"I know," he said. "But you know how you told me that you weren't sure you could live without me?"
I stared at him without saying anything.
He looked down at his feet then back up. His eyes met mine and I was subject to their intoxicating depths.
"Even without my memories, I don't know how to live without you either."
DAR
"You don't, huh?" she said, her eyes suddenly flashing. "Well, you know what, Dar? I think you need to make up your mind. You told me you needed a break and I have to tell you the truth. That broke my heart. Now, you're kissing me and driving me wild. And telling me that you can't live without me? Stop fucking with me. I can't handle it."
"I'm sorry, Kenna. I'm so sorry. I wanted to be strong for you. You deserve better than a screwed up guy like me. But something in my soul is pulling me back to you. It's strong and I can't resist it anymore."
"You can't?" she asked.
"I can't."
"Well, maybe you can't resist it, but I certainly can. I'm not fucking around anymore. You need to figure your shit out. I know that you're missing your memories but I'm pretty sure your conscience works just fine. And you know that flip flopping back and forth like this is not fair to me."
"Kenna, wait a second."
"No, until you've got yourself sorted out, there will be no more kissing. No more intimate moments."
"But that's what reminded me. That's what I remembered. Those moments were clearly important to me."
I felt like I would say anything right then to try and fix things. Of course, it was exactly the wrong thing to say.
"Yeah, well, I'm not going to get my heart stomped just to save your memories. If we can't do it without breaking my soul into pieces, then we're not going to do it at all. I don't care if you're the king. I don't care if they all need you back, because I won't do it."
She sank down to the ground in tears, looking like her heart was breaking in two. I wanted to comfort her, but I wasn't sure what I could safely do. I went next to her and gently put my arms around her.
Kenna didn't push me away. She sat there, like a statue.
I kissed her tears and, despite all my efforts not to, I started crying myself. Even after her tough words, she let me hold her while we both cried.
KENNA
After a time, we both calmed down. I had extracted myself from his grip and we sat looking at each other, completely exhausted.
"I don't know what to do," he said.
"I don't either."
We sat for a long time, neither of us saying a word and then he spoke.
"There's something wrong with the whole mind wiping theory. It doesn't hold up. Since the beginning, I've had flashes or tiny bits of memories popping up. If I had been properly mind wiped, that would never have happened."
"So what are you saying," I said, frowning.
"What if I wasn't mind wiped?"
I stared at him. The thought had never occurred to me. We were on a ship where they had the technology. The alien in charge had told us that we would be mind wiped. Dar had been taken away and then returned to us without memories. Of course he had been mind wiped.
"But if you weren't mind-wiped then why can't you remember anything?" I said, asking the obvious question. I felt like an idiot.
"I don't know. I don't remember anything that happened." He looked up at me. "But you do."
I gazed back at him. This was going to lead to nothing but trouble.
"Okay, I'll play. We told you that the space station disappeared at Wormhole 87, right?" I began. And he nodded. "And all the ten thousand crew members with it. We were all pretty upset to hear that. You, of course, wanted to go check it out. We tried to convince you that it was a bad idea but you wouldn't listen."