Maybe Never (Maybe #2) (15 page)

I take a seat on the couch, opposite my father in the chair. As if I’m not here, he glances back to the TV where a baseball game is playing. It doesn’t feel like I’m really here; it feels more like it’s a dream than reality.
 

I watch the game with him in silence, hoping that if enough time passes like this, then it will somehow make it easier when we do speak. But, instead of relaxing and doing something normal with my father, I just feel more and more anxiety creeping into my body until I can’t take it anymore.
 

“Are you going to even acknowledge that I am here?”
 

His response is turning up the sound on the TV.
 

“Dad!”
 

He doesn’t respond.
 

I get up and walk over to him. I rip the remote from his hand. I turn the TV off. “Talk to me!”
 

He glares at me, his face reddening more and more with each second that passes. “What do you want me to say, Liam? That I forgive you? That you’ve made me proud? That I welcome you home with open arms?”
 

I wince as he calls me Liam. He never calls me Liam.
 

“Yes, that is exactly what I want you to say. I want you to say,
Son, I forgive you
. I want you to say that you’re proud of me for the work I’ve done for the FBI. I just got promoted after doing such a good job with my last assignment.” Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the promotion since it has now been rescinded, but he needs to know that I’m doing better.
 

He gets up from his chair until he is looking eye-to-eye with me. “I could never say that. All of my sons are dead.” He looks at me for a second longer and then walks out of the living room and down the hallway to his bedroom where I hear him close the door.
 

It was a mistake, coming here. I should have gone on a vacation. To Florida or Hawaii or Mexico. Anywhere warm for a couple of weeks. Anywhere but here.
 

I turn and storm out of the house.
 

I climb in my truck. I’m tempted to immediately drive all the way back to the airport right now, but I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday, and I need to at least see my mother. Her car wasn’t in the drive, which means she has a shift at the hospital. I’ll have to wait until she gets off.
 

So, I drive down to the main street where I have only two options, other than fast food. The local diner and the local Chinese restaurant. I choose the Chinese, hoping there will be less people for me to run into.
 

As soon as I walk in, I realize I chose wrong, and I even consider walking back out before I’m spotted, but it’s too late.
 

“Liam?” the older hostess says.
 

I turn and smile at her. “Hi, Mrs. Mapston. It’s good to see you,” I say as I lean in and give her a hug.
 

“It’s good to see you, too, son. How long has it been? Four—”
 

“Five years,” I say.
 

She nods and smiles at me, like she is trying to comfort me from something bad. “You should get in line for the buffet, or there will be nothing left if you let old Mr. Capers in line before you.” She nods toward the man who has just pulled into the parking lot.
 

I smile at her. “Thanks.”
 

She just winks, and I get in line for the buffet. When I’ve made it through without being spotted again, I sigh a little in relief as I make my way toward a table at the back where I won’t be spotted.
 

I almost make it to the table before I hear a meek, “Killian?”
 

The voice might be meek, but I would know it anywhere. I was in love with that voice for almost fifteen years until Kinsley shattered those feelings.
 

Summer Hirst.
 

I turn and look at the woman who just spoke. “Hi, Summer,” I say with a smile on my face.
 

Her face lights up just a little. “It is you.”

I place my plate on the table behind me and then embrace her in a hug that lasts far longer than a hug between just friends should. When I release her, her face has brightened even more.
 

“Join me for lunch.”
 

She glances at her watch. “I really shouldn’t. I have a meeting in half an hour to decide if we are going to order a new MRI machine or not at the hospital.”
 

I try to hide my disappointment. “Well, it was good seeing you, Summer.”
 

Her lips curl to one side as she thinks for just a second. “What the hell? I’m the boss. I can be a few minutes late if I want to.”
 

I nod as she takes a seat in the booth opposite me. She places the take-out box with her lunch on the table and opens it to begin eating.
 

“How have you been?” I ask before digging into my plate of food.
 

“Well, really well. I just got promoted to medical administrator.”
 

“Congrats. You always were ambitious.”

“What about you?”
 

I glance up when she tucks her long blonde hair behind her ears. That’s when I see it. Something that I never realized before. She looks just like Kinsley. Both have long blonde hair. Both have slim, tall figures. Both flush a bright shade of pink whenever they feel embarrassed.
 

But that is where the similarities end. Summer is strong and determined. She knows exactly what she wants and goes after it.
 

Kinsley, on the other hand, has no idea what she wants. She’s indecisive and naive.
 

But both women have let tragedy keep them from moving forward.
 

Is the similar look to Summer the only reason I am attracted to Kinsley? Is it the only reason I fell at all for her?
 

“Killian?”
 

I startle and look back at Summer. “What?”
 

“How have you been?”
 

“Good. It’s always hard to come home though.”
 

“It’s hard for you to come home. It’s hard for me to leave.”
 

She glances down and moves her food around in her takeout box with her fork. I narrow my eyes at her. Maybe she’s not as strong as I thought.
 

“Where would you go if you could leave and go anywhere?”
 

She shakes her head. “I can’t think like that. My life is here.”
 

“Because of your family?”
 

“No, because of me.” She glances down at her watch. “I should go, Killian. How long are you going to be in town?”
 

I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t plan on staying much longer.”
 

Her eyes sadden.
 

“You should try for a job in a new hospital. Start a new life. I think it would be good for you.”
 

She nervously tucks her hair behind her ear. “I can’t.”
 

“Yes, you can. You just won’t.”
 

“Maybe,” she says.
 

And my heart stops. It stops at hearing her say the word that reminds me so much of Kinsley. And I realize how much Kinsley really means to me even though it can never happen. I wish my heart could still beat for someone like Summer, but it doesn’t. My heart is completely taken by Kinsley and there is no way to get it back.
 

“Are you really happy here? Driving the same streets. Having the same conversations. Going to the same two restaurants. Does that really make you happy?”
 

“It’s safe here. That’s all I need to be happy.”

I frown but understand.
 

The only way I could ever be with Summer is to stay here. To live here. I could never do that.
 

It makes me wonder if I really love Kinsley if I’m not willing to give up my job for her either.
 

“I have to go.” She stands and walks to me. Then, she softly kisses me on the cheek. “See you around,” she says as she always says.
 

“Yeah, see you later.”
 

After Summer leaves, I realize I can’t wait to see my mom after she gets off her shift. I can’t stay in this town any longer. I tried. I’m just not strong enough to stay here and face my mistakes.
 

I head out of the restaurant and back to the damn truck. I drive it the three blocks to the hospital. It is rather large for a hospital in this size of a town, but it also has to serve all of the surrounding towns for miles and miles. This is the only place they can go to without having to drive to Kansas City for care.
 

I pull into the parking lot and make my way inside the hospital. As I walk through the hospital, I know everyone is staring at me, wondering why I’ve returned after all these years. I ignore their stares and unsaid words and keep walking until I make my way to the hospital’s emergency room.
 

I walk to the front desk where a woman who was a year or two younger than me in school sits behind the desk.
 

“Hi, Alisha. Is my mother around?”
 

The woman looks up at me in surprise, the same reaction I have gotten from everyone else who has seen me in town. I guess I’m not surprised that they are surprised to see me since the last time anyone here saw me, I made it pretty clear that, when I left, I wouldn’t be returning. I still don’t know why I chose to return, other than I thought it would give me clarity. I thought my father could forgive me.
 

“Give me a second, and I’ll see if I can find her for you,” Alisha says.
 

“No need,” I say as I look over Alisha’s head.
 

My mother is standing in her scrubs with a pen in her hand. She doesn’t wear the same shocked expression that everyone else in town has given me. Instead, she looks at me with love and joy in her eyes.
 

“Alisha, I’ll be taking my break now. Page me if you need me,” my mother says.
 

I glance around the waiting room that is empty, except for one man who shows no obvious signs of illness.
 

My mother walks to me and embraces me in a hug. I feel tears falling from her cheeks and onto my shoulder. I hold her tighter. For the first time since I returned, I’m happy I came home, if only to make my mother happy.
 

When she releases me, I wipe the tears from her face.
 

“Come on. Let’s go take a walk outside,” she says.
 

I nod and follow her outside the hospital. I fall into step next to her as we walk the sidewalk around the hospital. The sidewalk was a fundraising venture that she created in order to try to improve the health of the employees and patients of the hospital. As we walk, we don’t run into anyone, despite the warm weather, so while the idea was a good one, I’m afraid it isn’t being utilized in the way she imagined.
 

“I hoped you would come after your undercover assignment was over.”
 

I raise my eyebrow at her. “How did you know my assignment was over?”
 

She smiles. “I’ve kept in contact with the FBI, just checking in from time to time, to ensure that you were okay. Of course, they never told me what your assignment was, but they told me when it was over.”
 

I nod. “I’m sorry I didn’t contact you.”
 

She shakes her head. “I know why you didn’t.”
 

“I wasn’t even sure I should come back. Father hasn’t forgiven me, and I wasn’t sure if you had either.”
 

She stops and looks me straight in the eyes while holding on to my shoulders to force me to look at her. “What happened to your brother was not your fault. How you reacted afterward was not your fault. What you choose to do with your life now does not mean that I love you any less. I love you for doing what is best for you.”
 

I look down at my mother, afraid I’m going to lose it. That I’m going to break down, crying in front of my mother because I can’t handle the pain or the guilt.
 

“I’m sorry though. For all of it.”
 

“Don’t be sorry for living your life.”
 

I nod, and we keep walking. I haven’t seen my mother in five years.
Who knows how long it will be until I see her again?
 

I can at least be honest with her about how I feel now. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
 

“What do you mean? You don’t know if you want to still work for the FBI anymore?”
 

I shake my head. “I still do. No, I have to, but…”
God, how do I tell my mother this?

She knowingly smiles at me. “There’s a girl.”
 

I look at her in shock, and her smile just brightens.
 

“Finally, you’ve moved on from Summer.”
 

I look down, trying not to meet her gaze.
 

“Please tell me you have moved on from Summer. That girl was never good for you.”
 

“I thought you liked Summer?”
 

“I like Summer, but she’s not right for you.”

“Why?”

“She would have held you back, and I don’t just mean physically keeping you in Kansas. She wouldn’t have pushed you to go after your dreams. She wouldn’t have challenged you.”
 

I nod although I’m not sure if she’s right.
 

“Tell me about her.”
 

I sigh. “I can’t. Not really. I don’t even know how I feel about her.” That’s not true. I love Kinsley. I just can’t. I keep walking as I rub my neck in frustration. “I can’t have her. She was arrested because of me. I was investigating her and her family for the last five years. I can’t…I shouldn’t even be thinking about her.”