Heroine rolls over in sleep, clutches gravestone. Ghost of newsboy
breaks from grave at a fast canter and dashes from scene.
This could go on forever. CURTAIN
Among her papers after her death, we found a group of poems (published as
Clean Sheets,
Tachyon 1996), which were written in the late 1940s and early 1950s, and included the one she would mention in “If You Can’t Laugh at It, What Good Is It?”, which actually begins,
Sitting on a crate before the sunrise,
I am eating a speckled banana in the public park
With the poems was this playlet, which was also first published in
Clean Sheets.
It may be an early parody of Sheldon’s style rather than Tiptree’s, but it helps demonstrate the continuity between Alice Bradley, Alice Davey, Alice Sheldon, James Tiptree, and Raccoona Sheldon.
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live from our studio in beautiful Porcupine Crossing, the voice of the Near North Woodlands. And folks, to those of you who have been saying we can’t find fabulous fascinating interviews in upper Bluegill County especially this late at night, I say, Wow! Do you have a surprise coming! Wait till you meet our guests tonight, brought to you by Uncle Carl’s Candlelight Supper-Club on Route 101, blacktop all the way to the bridge. Remember, Uncle Carl says come as you are, folks, sophisticated fun for the whole family. Oh, man, those beef patties. And now I want you to meet our first guest, Mrs. Charlene Tumpak of Wabago Falls. Mrs. Tumpak, you’re looking terrific. Why don’t you call me Dick? Now tell us, Mrs. Tumpak, how does it happen that you’re suing the township for thirty-two new stop signs?
Sure, Dick, ha-ha. Well, I like stop signs. Don’t we all?
How about that, folks? Didn’t I say we have some terrific personalities? Tell me, Mrs. Tumpak, why do you like stop signs? When did it start? May I call you Charlene?
Sure, go ahead, my husband’s deaf. Oh, it started with the yellow, I guess.
You mean you, uh, dig yellow, Charlene?
No, first there’s that green light, Dick, it’s so awful cold. Like it just wants you to go on. Go on, keep moving—that’s what the green says. We don’t want you here. No love at all. And then it goes yellow, you know? Warmer. Like it changed its mind.
Well, that certainly is an intriguing idea, isn’t it, folks?
Yes. And then it goes red. Real warm! Like stay awhile. Look around, enjoy yourself, the red says to me. And I do, doesn’t everybody? Always something to see and all the other cars, it’s like a party. I love parties.
Say, that’s some kind of philosophy you have there, Charlene.
Yes. So when I see the yellow I always go real slow. Because it’s going to get red, you know. And when I see that old green I slow down too because the yellow might come, see? And all the little stop signs, the ones with no lights, you can just stop as long as you want and look all around. You know what I saw yesterday, by the arterial sign? Two gophers. I shouldn’t tell what they were doing, ha-ha. We should have more stop signs so people can enjoy themselves.
Well, I must say that’s a fascinating viewpoint, Charlene. You mentioned that everybody loves stoplights. Do you know for a fact that other people really enjoy them the way you do?
Oh sure, Dick. Why they always wave at me. And honk. Oh boy, do they honk.
Well, that certainly was great, Charlene. I’m sure we all wish you luck in your campaign for more stop signs. Don’t we, folks? Wheel And now it’s time for our next fabulous upper Bluegill County personality, brought to you by Bill and Betty’s Bait and Booze Shoppe at Square Corners. Folks, whatever you need for that big one, Betty has it. And listen to their special this week
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two dozen night crawlers with every single fifth of Wilkins Family, the whiskey you can’t forget. Wow, save one for me, Betty. And now our very special guest, Mr. Elwin Eggars. Mr. Eggars moved here from London, England, folks. I guess he knows you can’t beat the Near North Woodland for all-year fun. Tell us, Mr. Eggars, is it true that there was something unusual about your birth?
Well, yes, you might say so. I was born fully formed. But much smaller, naturally.
Oh golly, you mean you were a fully formed man at birth, Mr. Eggars? But small?
Oh, yes. Luckily my parents practiced natural childbirth. Otherwise I’d have been done for, you know.
Why was that, Mr. Eggars?
The doctor, you know. The obstetrical chap. Actually it wasn’t the main man himself, it was an intern who got hold of me. First thing I knew he had me upside down, pommeling away. I was choking, of course. All that slime. But I could feel the hate coming at me. Had my Dad not been there they would have done away with me at once.
Oh, what a Human-interest story, folks. How did your father happen to be there, Mr. Eggars?
That’s the natural practice, you know, with the husband—my dad, that was—standing by. Really a piece of luck. You see they had discussed the whole thing, many times over in complete detail. So I knew just what to expect. Birth is a terrifying business, I couldn’t get my arms up at all.
I’m sure the folks would like to know all about this tremendous experience, Mr. Eggars. Can you tell us, what did your father do?
Well, I knew he was there, you see, although I couldn’t spot him right then what with being upside down and the pounding and the glue. But just as quick as I could I shouted out, “Dad! Dad! Help!” As loud as possible. I picked on him, you see, because I realized Mother would be in an uncertain state.
How did you know English? I mean, so soon?
Oh, that came quite readily. The rudiments rather, I should say. I began to catch on about the fifth month, I should guess. I shan’t tell you what I learned first. Ha-ha.
Oh, why not, Mr. Eggars? I bet everybody out there is just as thrilled as I am to be hearing this. We want to hear all about it, don’t we, folks? What did you learn first, Mr. Eggars?
Oh, no, really, I shouldn’t. Ha-ha.
Come on, you can’t stop now, Mr. Eggars. All the kids are in bed.
Well, ha-ha. Perhaps I can put it this way. The infant picks up language by association, you know. He sees a dog and hears someone say maiow, or whatever.
Bow-wow
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don’t let me stop you.
Right. Well, of course I wasn’t seeing anything but I could feel quite a lot, you realize. As well as hear them speaking. And considering my position in those early months, you will readily understand that I had many, shall we say, striking experiences associated with certain words?
Fantastic, just fantastic, ha-ha-ha.
I must say it made me intensely curious, you know. I couldn’t discover what on earth the simplest things were. Of course various gurgles and so on could be identified as food, and the jiggling was the auto, et cetera. But imagine trying to decipher shirt, for instance? Or—well, I’d best not.
Hey, aren’t you just crazy about the way he talks, folks? Mr. Eggars, what did your pop do when you called him?
He made the intern let go of me, naturally, and I managed to stand up. I didn’t realize at the time that I was leaning on part of Mother. But I said, “Hello, Dad,” and we shook hands.
You shook hands, really?
Yes, I’d planned on that, you know. I felt rather proud of myself for working it out, what hands were and all. I was keen on doing the right thing. To show him I was a son he could be proud of. A chap feels very strongly about the right sort of Dad, you know. Which mine was.
Say, that’s a very moving attribute. How about your mom?
Oh, I was eager to meet her. But of course it was a bit confusing, seeing everything for the first time, and I was in a bloody great mess, sorry. I said to Dad, “If I could just wash up first?” He understood. One of the nurses washed me with a cloth. Clumsy idiot. The intern I believe had run off, and there was somebody on the floor. When I was freshened up Dad took me on his arm around to Mother—to her head end, you know.
How about that, folks? What did she say?
Oh, well, it was rather emotional, you realize. I thanked her, of course; I had thought for some time of what I would say. I felt I knew her already, you see. I recall I kissed her. On the cheek.
I
bet she loved that.
She wasn’t feeling too talkative, poor dear. But she did admire my hands. “So small and yet perfectly formed,” she said. You know how mothers are.
You better believe it. Leona, that’s my wife, she just goes ape if there’s a baby carriage around. So you didn’t have any serious problems?
Oh, the usual adjustments, I expect. The only slight difficulty was the feeding, you know.
How do you mean?
Well, in view of their attitude toward natural method, of course they had planned on breast feeding.
I
don’t follow you there, Mr. Eggars. What went wrong?
Oh, nothing, really. Just the embarrassment, you know. And the size. Imagine one’s feelings when they poke a nipple a foot wide at one! A bit awkward. But we got sorted out in no time when I told her how much I’d been looking forward to trying some of the dishes I’d been hearing about. Particularly bubble-and-squeak, I recall. Of course she was an absolutely superb cook, my mother. Pity.
Bubble-and-squeak, I’ll have to try that some time. Well, I do thank you very much, Mr. Eggars, on behalf of the folks out there, for sharing this great Human experience with us. Wasn’t that educational, folks? And we’re proud to welcome you to wonderful Bluegill County, vacationland in the woods. And now our next guest, who is brought to you courtesy of Rudy’s Wrecker and Rescue Service, that’s Mud Lake 205 three short. Rudy wants you to know he’s put in brand new upholstery in the ambulance. And he’s solved that little problem about hunting season, folks. His wife’s mother is going to be staying with them, and she’ll be right by the phone. Remember, if you or your loved ones need help, call Mud Lake 205 three short, and good luck. Now I want you to welcome our next guest, Mr. Al Rappiola of Timberton. Great to meet you, Al. I understand you have some kind of problem with the time?
Well, it’s not me, Dick, it’s my wife. She’s from Oshkosh.
Oshkosh, hey? I guess they haven’t all got the word down there, ha-ha. No offense, Al. What seems to be her trouble?
Well, I noticed it as soon as we got married. I mean, the following day, ha-ha. We went to Thousand Lakes, that’s a great spot for a honeymoon. Anyway, the very next morning. I woke up and there she was all packed up, walking out of the cabin. So I said, “Hey, Marie, where’re you off to?”
That certainly is a natural question, Al
Yeah. I thought I’d done something, see. But then it turned out she wasn’t mad at all, she was just leaving. Like it was the thing to do. So I said, “Marie, hon, we’re married!” But she said, “That was yesterday, Al. You mean you still want to be married today?” Well, I said, “What’s the matter with you, hon? Sure I do.” Thinking it was a joke. So she stayed and everything was a-okay. Just great. But then next morning she pulled the same thing again. And the next day after that, and so on. Every morning.
Wow, that is weird, isn’t it folks? How’d you handle it?
Well, I tell you, I had a time. It was like she couldn’t believe that anything that happened the day before carried over into next day, see. Like everything all got washed out every night. Everything. I had to keep convincing her she was still married to me. She was real nice about it, I’ll say that. I could see she was glad to stay. To tell the truth I thought it was an act, until we had the anniversary.
Was that your first anniversary?
Yeah, we invited our folks and a lot of the older crowd for a big dinner. I mean, I was pretty busy with my job all year, we’d kind of postponed the celebrations. So this was a big event. And then the day of the party I got home from work and there she was in her jeans, cleaning the oil-burner. And no food, nothing.
Golly, Al, that’s really frightening.
Yeah. Oh, we had a real go-round, I tell you. I recall she said, “You mean all those people are getting into cars and buses and traveling from all over to come here tonight—just because of what we said three weeks ago? I don’t believe it!” She was so sincere, man, I started wondering. Well, that party was pretty crazy. When they all showed up that really began to shake her, you know? Like she was seeing ghosts. But I could see she was glad to see them, after she got over the shock.
Say, didn’t you fear for her mental health, Al?
Oh no, she’s just as sane as I am except for this one little quirk. Marie’s fine. Well, after the party she was kind of dazed for a while. She got me to write her down a list, every day. All the things she should remember, especially doctor appointments, stuff like that. She carries it clipped to our marriage certificate, ha-ha. Anything I put on that list she does. Of course now she’s expecting, I really have to watch it. She more or less blames me for that.
You mean for the baby, Al, ha-ha?
You better believe it. No, what I mean is she blames me for things carrying over from one day to the next. She claims up until she got married everything—I mean the whole world, like you and me and all except her—it would just flush out at midnight. Every day started fresh, she says. So she thinks it’s my fault. I guess she’s still expecting it to wear off. I catch her trying little tricks.