“You’re Callie,” he says with a knowing smile. Never before has the simple sound of my name made me feel so reassured and welcome. He delivers what I can only describe as an instant calm.
“I am.” I smile back at him. “I’m here to see-”
“Nate,” we both say at the same time. We laugh together too, a nervous and awkward sound.
“I’m sorry, this is creepy, I’m…I’m being creepy,” Nate’s friend says, stepping forward and shaking my hand. “I’m Kevin.”
“Hi. How do you know my name?”
“Oh, Nate, he talks about you. A lot.”
I can’t help the warm rush of satisfaction that rushes through me. He talks about me. That’s good, right? Yikes, what if it’s not. “Does he say good things or bad?”
Kevin doesn’t reply, he just looks at me for a few seconds. “You know, he’s actually not here right now.” My stomach drops, and I automatically assume that not only has he been saying bad things, but he’s also given his friend pre-emptive instructions to get me the hell out of here.
“Oh, okay,” I say, turning around to walk back to my car. I’ll just have to figure out a new game plan. Find a hotel maybe, and give him a call.
“Wait, no.” He reaches out for me, touching my elbow before I make my way down the stairs. “He’s really not here, I’m not feeding you a line. I just stopped by to borrow some trunks.” He points down at the orange shorts he’s wearing.
“I’ll come back later.”
He laughs at me in a totally dismissive, yet friendly way. “If he finds out that you were here and I let you leave, he’d beat my ass. There’s a lake a few blocks from here.” He shuts the door behind him and reaches for a towel that’s hanging off the porch railing, then flings it over his shoulder. “Feel like taking a walk?”
K
EVIN LEADS
me through a small clearing, and for a fleeting moment I begin to wonder if walking through the woods with a stranger was the best course of action here. My brain is working overtime, because if anyone would get murdered after finally deciding to try to get over their commitment issues, it would be me. As soon as I decide that I should probably turn and run the other way, Kevin pulls back a huge, leafy tree branch to reveal a lake surrounded by lush trees just starting to change colors. I can hear the laughing voices of the people in the water, but I can’t see them.
I can’t see them because Kevin and I are standing on what I can only describe as a cliff, which is pretty much my worst nightmare come to life.
Let me amend my previous thought: if anyone would die from jumping off a cliff in order to get to the love of their life after finally deciding to get over their commitment issues, it would be me.
“Is there another way down?” I ask, twirling the ends of my hair around my finger.
Kevin turns and smirks at me, like he was expecting the question. “Yeah, but it takes a while to get down there, and you have to take a different path.”
We’re only about twenty feet up, but it might as well be a mile. My heart is beating triple-time, my fight or flight response is gearing up and ready to go.
“Isn’t that water freezing?” I’m desperate for any kind of excuse to actually stick here. If I didn’t want to see Nate so badly, I’d ask this hippie to show me that different path immediately, if not sooner.
Kevin shakes his head. “It’s not too bad. This is probably the last semi-warm day we’ll have here for a while, so we’ve got to enjoy the water while we can.” He balls up his towel and tosses it off to the left, where it gets snagged on a tree branch, just dangling above the water, mocking him.
I let out a quiet laugh, but he doesn’t seem to hear me over the laughter of his friends in the water, razzing him for missing the beach. I mean, really, there’s one tree in his way and he manages to get the towel stuck on it.
“Jesus, Mitchell. Did you have to take my favorite pair? When I said you could borrow some shorts, I meant for you to take one of the pairs that I hate.” It’s Nate. I never thought I’d be so happy to hear another person’s voice, especially when they were yelling up at a cliff while treading in icky brown lake water.
Kevin shrugs, then he leans forward to yell. “Hey, I can’t help it if we both have impeccable taste. Speaking of,” he says, looking back at me. “There’s someone here to see you.”
I expect Nate to say something in response, but he doesn’t. There’s nothing but quiet. Seconds of it. An eternity of it.
“C’mere,” Kevin says, offering me an encouraging smile. I take a few steps forward until I can see over the edge of the cliff, the guys in the water slowly coming into view. All of them are staring up at me, but Nate’s is the only face I see. He’s surprised, but slowly, a smile spreads across his lips. It’s a smile that makes me feel light, because if I had any doubt that I did the right thing by driving here, all that doubt has just been erased.
“Callie?” he says, like he can’t believe it’s really me.
“Hi.” I give him a little nervous half-wave.
“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t sound angry, just shocked.
“I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t have your number, so I thought I’d stop by, because I need to tell you something.”
“So tell me,” he shouts, smiling.
“I didn’t really expect to have to yell it in front of a bunch of strangers.”
“These are my friends,” he says, like that means anything to me.
“Okay?”
“You can jump down here and tell me if you want.” He wants to laugh, the beautiful jerk.
“You’re really going to make this difficult for me, aren’t you?”
“Just a little bit.”
I take a deep breath. Better just get this over with.
“You scared me, Nate.”
“I scared you?”
“Yes!”
He laughs, I can hear it echoing against the trees. “Why?”
“You make falling in love seem easy, and I was scared that it wouldn’t last.” Terrified is probably the more appropriate word, but it seems like a little too much for this moment.
“You’re not scared now?”
“More scared than I’ve ever been. But I don’t care. It doesn’t seem to matter that much anymore.”
“And what happens when it goes to shit?” he asks. I asked him the very same thing the night he left me standing on the porch of his parents’ house in Virginia. The night that started me down the path that would lead me here. I’ve spent weeks stewing over everything that happened that evening, but now that I’m here and so close to Nate, I can’t bring myself to regret any of it. And if he wants me to refute every single fear I voiced during that argument, I’ll do it. I’m not going to let any of those things come between us anymore.
So, I reply with the very same thing he said to me that night. “What happens when it doesn’t?”
Nate smiles, and I think it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. The three weeks of misery and an eighteen-hour drive were worth it just to see it again. “What now?”
I shrug. “I was kind of hoping we could talk without yelling,” I say, laughing. “I have a lot more I need to say.”
“I was kind of hoping I could kiss you.”
I feel the blush creep up into my cheeks, warm against the cool wind. “That sounds like a good plan.”
“You have to come down here first.”
I’d rappel down a mountain to be with him at this point, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not still a little wary. “Are there eels?”
A nod and a grin. “Tons of them.”
Only now do I realize that Nate’s the only one in the water. Kevin’s gone too, I have no idea where. I guess they all left to give us some privacy, even though we’re practically yelling at each other across a body of water. And then, of course, there are the eels. Oh, well. What does it matter? I’d jump into a river full of them if it meant I’d get to be with Nate. So I walk right to the edge of that cliff and take a deep breath.
Then, I jump.
W
E’RE SITTING
on the shore of the lake, looking out at the sunset over the rippling water. Nate’s got a little fire going, but I don’t really need it. It’s warm enough being wrapped in his arms. I’m sort of halfway sprawled across his lap, my head resting in the crook of his neck, his towel wrapped around me. My clothes are wet and drying by the fire, so all I’m wearing now is one of Nate’s t-shirts. Thankfully he walked to the lake wearing one, when I know his shirtlessness makes the world a more beautiful place.
“I was wondering how long it would take you to get here,” Nate says as he kisses my shoulder, the gentle brush of his mouth making me shiver.
I know he’s talking about a metaphorical journey, so I can’t really find it in me to apologize. Three weeks is nothing; it could’ve taken me years to get to the point where I was ready to be with him.
“I was also worried that you’d never find that damn cereal box.”
I laugh, lacing our fingers together. Holding his hand is one of my favorite feelings.
“I met Gabby and Jasmine at a park for lunch yesterday. I had already made up my mind that I wanted to talk to you, I knew that if I shut you out forever I would regret it. I was miserable without you, Nate, I was thinking about you all the time. I realized how stupid I was being, trading one form of misery because I had the potential to feel another. Why make myself unhappy in order to avoid something that I wasn’t sure would ever happen in the first place? At least if something does happen…” If we break up, I want to say, but I don’t want to jinx it. “I’ll have gotten the chance to be happy. I don’t want to miss out on that; it would be one of the biggest regrets of my life.”
Nate’s quiet, so I look up and he’s gazing down at me with an expression that I can only describe as being full of love. How did I ever doubt, for one second, that this is exactly the place that I belong, that he’s the person that I belong with?
“Anyway,” I say, sighing. “We were at this park, and after lunch was over, I was sitting on a bench and I looked up and saw a sign that read that the playground there had been donated by this client of mine, and I thought back to what you said to me that day we were on the river, about making a difference in the world no matter how small it is,” I say, gripping his fingers tightly. “You make me see everything differently. You quiet the cynic inside of me and make me believe there’s so much more to life. And yesterday, I just wanted to talk to you; I’ve never wanted to talk to someone so badly, but…it wouldn’t have been enough.”
Nate’s arms wrap around me a little tighter, and I feel myself relax against the heat of his body. It feels so good, so freeing to get all of this out, to have it in the open between us once and for all.
“I’m sorry about the way I left that night,” he says. “I need to apologize for that.”
“No you don’t,” I tell him.
He runs his palm across my thigh, just because. “I do, Callie. You were very straightforward about what you wanted from the get-go. I just…being with you, I couldn’t help but want more. And I don’t want you to think that I deal with my problems by running away from them, because I don’t.”
“I know,” I tell him, punctuating the sentiment with a soft kiss. He brings his head down until our foreheads are touching.
“I just knew that if I stayed I’d wind up messing things up.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. If anyone was going to mess anything up, it was going to be me.
“You needed some space to figure things out. If I had stayed that night, I don’t know if I would’ve given it to you. I knew it would be best for me to get some distance from the situation, and I thought—I hoped—that when you were ready,
if
you were ever ready, I’d hear from you when you found that box.”
“What if I hadn’t ever found it?” Not that I really want to know the answer, but exploring possibilities is less sad and scary when you’ve already made your choice.
“With that bag of yours, it’s entirely possible,” he says laughing.
I playfully smack his arm. “It’s not that big!”
“But it is that messy,” he says, rocking me a little. “If you hadn’t found it, I probably would’ve eventually asked Gabby to arrange some kind of party or something so we could bump into each other.”
When I turn my head and look at him, I love the wry smile on his face. We’re both thinking the same thing.
“You wouldn’t have had to ask,” I tell him, laughing. Gabby would’ve been all over that without Nate ever bringing it up. She was probably planning said party when we were eating lunch yesterday. “I’m glad I found it. Doing something like that, it was so
you
. Even if I hadn’t found it, even if you hadn’t left me something like that, I would’ve come looking for you. I knew I would do that eventually, even when you left. I just wasn’t ready to accept it yet, if that makes any sense.”
“It makes sense.”
I bring his hand to my lips, and place a kiss on his knuckles. “You make me happy and hopeful in a way that I didn’t think I’d ever feel again,” I admit. He does so much more for me than that, but I have so much time to tell him those things.
Nate brushes his cheek against our clasped hands. “You make it easier for me to breathe. I just want you, Callie. Just you.”
I snuggle against his chest, turning my head toward his heart. “You have me.”