Mending Michael (24 page)

HOLLY

"So you ready for your first bartending lesson?"

Donny called me last week with my new schedule. I will be coming in after class on Tuesdays and Thursdays to waitress until six, since business is picking up between four and six and he'd like me to work the extra two hours. And I will waitress on Friday nights with Tina and Saturday nights with Tabitha, which I am pleased as piss since those are the busiest nights. I will train as bartender on Wednesday nights and Sundays with Donny, and today is my first Sunday.

"Hell yeah. Bring it on," I joke, super excited, but equally as nervous. I would hate to mess up someone's drink order.

"Good. So, it's slow right now, so I'm gonna go over a few things with you," Donny says as he sets out different size glasses. "If you were taking a real course, they'd be taking you through the different types of terminology and equipment and shit, but since you're only working here, I'm gonna show you exactly what you need to know."

It takes a short amount of time for Donny to explain to me what a jigger is, the two-finger method, the three-count technique and so on, on account of my spending many a nights sitting at a bar and even the short amount of time I'd worked as a waitress here. He passes over teaching me the common highballs, since I can mix those with my eyes closed. Cocktails are the drinks I need a little more time learning, so we go over those in between tending to bar orders. Working behind the bar seems to go a lot faster for me than waitressing, and I'm grateful that Donny is affording me this opportunity.

When the night comes to an end, Donny commends my quick learning and tells me he looks forward to working with me this week. He thinks in about a month, I should be able to go it alone. I hope so.

***

It's Monday morning, seven forty-five a.m., and I am the only one sitting in the classroom waiting for the start of the first class of Psych 210—Statistical Principals in Psychology. In other words, Psychology Statistics. Usually, I'm running into class late, but taking this psych class, knowing it's the beginning of my new major—hopefully, it hasn't been approved yet—I can't help but be particularly eager. I'm skimming through the first chapter when I catch sight of the second person to walk into class.

"Ben," I say a little too zealously, considering he probably doesn't even remember meeting me last week.

"Hey." He takes the seat next to me, alleviating some of the foolishness I feel. "Holly, right?"

My face brightens. I hope he doesn't notice. "Yeah. So are you a psych major?"

"Sports Psychology. You?"

"Well, Finance major right now, but I'm in the process of switching. Social work basically."

"Cool." Ben taps his finger on top of his closed psych book.

"Why you taking a summer class? I've never, so..."

"So you're wondering why anyone else would?"

He's sarcastic. I like that. "Yup."

"Why are you?"

"Like I said, I'm in the process of switching majors. I need to catch up so I'm not going to college for another four years."

All he does is make a humph sound.

"So...why are you?"

"You're a nosy bitch, aren't you?" I'd be offended by his question if he weren't laughing. "I need to take the fall semester off, so I'm catching up also...before I fall behind."

"Why you taking off? And yes, before you say anything, I
am
a nosy bitch."

He laughs again, but other students start wandering into class, and he starts addressing some of them by name. I guess he's quite popular among the summer-class-taking crowd. But he doesn't answer my question before the professor comes in and starts the lesson.

I find myself very involved in listening to Dr. Hamburg, and the class goes way too fast. Before I know it, he tells us he'll see us all tomorrow, and we start packing up. I'm just heading towards the door when Ben stops me. "Sorry it got so hectic before, I hadn't meant to ignore you. I'm having surgery."

"What?"

"The reason I'm taking off. I'm having knee surgery. Can't do it during the baseball season, so, Coach wants me to do it in the fall."

"And you'll be able to play? After surgery?"

"Of course. It's a common procedure. Anyway, gonna run out for breakfast before my next class. See you tomorrow."

"Manana." I like Ben. He's cool.

Since Monday is my day off of work, I go back to Griffin's to finish setting up my room and getting my clothes unpacked. The house is empty since Griffin works days at the garage now that it's summer, and even though Cali doesn't live here, she won't be hanging out during the day, because she works her full-time hours at the bank. Despite the fact I keep myself busy fixing up my room, and then later rereading chapters one and two in my psych book, I still find myself thinking about Michael. Is he seeing someone else? Lara? The brunette? Was it all just an excuse to get me off his back?

I want to know the answers to those questions, and usually I am very blunt, but with Michael, Mick, whatever I seem to call him these days, I don't want to just come out and ask him. He'll see my vulnerability then. He'll know how deeply he affects me, and I just don't know how to handle that. I've never shown my weaknesses to anyone. Griffin got it right when he'd said that I use my sarcasm to cover up my true emotions. I'd like to change. Open up more. But to show vulnerability...that's something I need to learn. And I'm determined to work on that. Just like I've done with getting control of my career choice. One step at a time, and eventually, I'll be the woman I'm proud to be.

But now...right now I have to prepare myself for working with Mick tomorrow afternoon. Prepare myself for being in his company and not be able to be in his arms. After all this time not seeing him, I still think about how comforting it is when he's holding me. And how quickly my heart beats when it's so close to his.

MICK

Holly is coming back to work. I've been thinking about it since Donny told me last week. I couldn't be happier about working with her again, but it's going to be hard to keep away. There is no way I'm ready yet for that relationship. Not while my niece is still at the forefront of my mind. Not while I'm trying to sell my house, buy a house, find a job, get Charity better.

Though being with Holly...

Holding Holly...

Loving Holly...

makes all those things more endurable.

But what would it mean for her? Having a boyfriend who's hardly ever mentally present? Having a boyfriend who's inebriated half the time because he can't handle his reality?

Having Holly to hold and to love...to comfort myself, would just mean letting her have only part of me. And she does not deserve that. Not after all she tried to do for me. I sound like a broken record, but my convictions still stand. Holly does not deserve the broken me. She deserves me fixed and complete.

However, she will be here any minute, and I'm just going to have to play it cool and not let her see my true feelings. It'll be too easy to fall into her arms if I do.

My heart jumps at the sound of the back door. The only people to come through that door are either employees or the very regular, familiar patrons. But my heart knows who it is as soon as the door opens.

"Hi...Michael." Her words, the sound of a sweet breeze, are soft. Hesitant.

"Holly. Welcome back." My stomach is in chaos, but I'm pretty sure I keep my tone calm and cool. Indifferent.

That familiar scent when she enters behind the bar to get her apron wafts through the air, causing my breath to hitch at the memories it produces. I bite my cheek to suppress the memory of her sweet lips on mine. In her absence, it's as if my heart has grown a hundred times its size for her. I don't even remember wanting her as badly as I do right now.

With all that's been going on, I'd been trying to not let myself remember her. I'd think of her. Wish I could hold her. But I'd been snapping my heart shut every time my brain presented her picture. I'd look. But I'd try not to feel.

In doing so, I must have ignored how deeply agonizing it is to be around her and not have her. And now... with the love that's filling my heart at the presence of her, the pain is coming back just as fiercely. I want to wrap my arms around her small waist and pull her to me. Chest to chest. My breathing picks up as I think of doing that. It's almost as if my hand has a will of its own as it reaches toward her. But I retract it before she notices. The time isn't right. Not now. Not while I have the potential to hurt her.

"So, how've you been?" I hear, that soft breeze entering my thoughts. A welcome, but torturous, invasion at the moment.

"Good, Holly. You?" I can't help but stare as she ties the apron around her waist.

"Okay." She smiles.

I'm still staring at her when she reaches around me to grab a pad and pen.

"Oh," I say, wanting to climb under a rock when I realize I am frozen in place and in her way. "Sorry," I mumble.

Turning, I make myself look busy. This couldn't be more awkward. But Holly breaks the silence again by asking how Kenna is doing, and though my situation with my niece is unpleasant, Holly's question sends a modicum of relief through me. It's safe ground. Safe is good right now.

"She's still with that family." My eyes go right back to hers, unable to keep from peering into them.

She tsks in disappointment.

"We're going back to court, though. They're trying to schedule it soon."

"Good. It can't be soon enough though, huh?"

"No. Not at all," I say truthfully.

"What about your sister? Is she still in rehab?"

"No. She got out a few weeks ago. She's living with my friend Luke for now. I...well I was afraid if she lived with me, they wouldn't..."

"No, I totally get it. That was smart."

Three ladies come in and sit at a table near the center of the dining area, putting a halt on our conversation. It felt right sharing recent events with Holly, even though the more I share, the closer we'll get again. But after I fill the drink order she places on the bar, Holly keeps busy at the far end of the bar. Assuming she's done talking with me, I busy myself where I am.

A little later on in the afternoon, Griffin comes in with his pal Joey and both take a seat at the bar.

"Hey, guys. What can I get you?"

"Coors for me," Griffin says.

"Bud for me," his friend says.

"Griffin," Holly practically jumps on him from behind.

"Hey, Holl." He turns and kisses her on the cheek.

"Did you come in for me?"

"Of course I did." Griffin grins.

"Hi, Joe," she says as an afterthought. Which makes me laugh. "You guys here for lunch?"

"Yeah."

Holly retrieves then hands the guys their menus, and I step away to take care of other customers. Once I mix their martinis and serve them, I lean against the back wall and watch the easy camaraderie between Griffin and Holly. It makes me jealous. The way she smiles so easily with him. Her effortless laugh. Her perkiness.

With me, she is never that way—always tense and uneasy. It is me who brings that out in her, and I know it. The heavy weight I carry, she seems to bear. Before working with me, Holly was light. It showed in her laugh and the jaunty yet elegant manner in which she carried herself. I remember being envious of her and her friends. No cares in the world. Though, I know that isn't the case, everyone has their own troubles, but her group seems to rise above it. I'd watch. Especially her. Her remarkably
smart. Ass. Attitude.
Thinking about it brings a smile to my face now. And today... with Griffin and Joe... I see it still. Because she, as well as they, are able to step out of reality for an enjoyable moment or two, without destruction. One beer each. That's all they'd ordered. One solitary mug of beer brings them their needed break from all things real.

For me...one solitary drink is
never
enough.

Never.

And that just makes my reality worse when I finally crash.

This. This is the reason I cannot invite Holly into my life. As much as I know I need her. As much as it pains me to be away from her. I cannot be with her. Not now. Maybe not ever.

Won't I always be a sullen, angry man?

Won't she always be a smiling, weightless, beautiful, sarcastic-as-hell bird?

How dare I get in her way and keep her from flight?

I could never weigh her down like that. It'd be like clipping her wings.

I'd rather die.

HOLLY

The heavy tension stays with us the entire day. Even the constant flow of people in and out of Donny's does nothing to alleviate it. We started out great. Talking about Kenna seemed to go smoothly. But then he'd backed away. And started scowling. At least, to me, it looked like scowling.

Fortunately, Mick's shift ends at four...in a few minutes... so my last two hours should be tension-free. But I don't want it to be this way. He and I have to work together. We are old enough to cut through this bullshit and move forward as congenial coworkers at least.

I bite my lip hard enough so it hurts and trudge forward until I'm right in his face. "Can we cut the crap and call a truce?"

With raised brows and a tight face, he asks, "A truce?"

"A truce. Or whatever the hell it is we need in order to enjoy coming to work each day."

"What're you talking...." He shakes his head, done playing this game, I hope. "Fine. Truce." But he averts his eyes then turns away.

"Mick." He doesn't look at me. I purposely don't call him Michael in fear that he'll think I still have feelings for him, which, I do, but he doesn't need to know that. Obviously, he's over me, or else he wouldn't have been with two different women. And maybe this tension he's creating is due to his guilt that he either lied to me about having too much shit in his life to have a girlfriend, or he just found someone else he'd rather be with despite the shit.

But which one?

In any event, in order to ease this uneasiness between us, I decide to lie myself. "If you're worried because you're seeing your ex-girlfriend, or that dark-haired girl, well don't be...."

His forehead crunches down, his eyes narrow, and his top lip curls. "What are..."

Holding up my hand, I stop him. "It's fine. Really. I'm already seeing someone else too."

All the muscles in his face drop, as do his shoulders. "What?" he breathes out. "Who?" comes out in a breathless whisper.

His name's Ben. He's in my psych class." I shrug, biting my lip now and concentrating on staying focused on him and not darting my eyes, an obvious giveaway.

But it doesn't matter that I am looking directly at him. Because he is already turned away.

"So you can relax," I call to his departing back. "We can go back to being friends."

As if they'd timed it, Donny walks in through the back door as Mick heads out. But not before saying angrily over his shoulder, "Yeah. I don't need any more friends."

Oh my God.

He is so angry.

Could I have been wrong?

Does Mick still have feelings for me?

I know he had, but then the way he'd hugged Lara. And then the other girl? If he was so into Lara, he wouldn't have been with the brunette? Could it be he needed to get his mind off of me? Could I have read him completely wrong?

I think I need to talk to Mick.