Mia's Heart (The Paradise Diaries) (22 page)

But
then again, I figured he didn’t own a pair of dress shoes, either.  He’s
sexy as hell tonight in a tux and polished black loafers.  What is it
about a tuxedo that can make a boy go from handsome to movie star hot in two
seconds flat?  My heart flutters as Quinn grins at me crookedly. 

And
that’s another thing.  My heart has been doing a lot of fluttering lately,
mostly over this crooked grin of his. 

“I
can most certainly dance,” he tells me needlessly.  And I say needlessly
because he is demonstrating that fact right now. He
can
most certainly
dance. 

His
arms feel really good wrapped around me.  I almost sigh because this
moment feels pretty perfect.  The music is soft and soothing, Quinn is
handsome and strong, and I am pressed against his strong chest.  He smells
delicious.  I could go and on about why this moment rocks. 

But
unfortunately, it doesn’t keep rocking. 

Because
as I look up, I see Gavin.  He is standing casually with Dante and
Dimitri, with a champagne glass dangling loosely from his fingers at his
side.  He is the picture of casual elegance—as if tuxedos were invented to
be worn by him.  But I’m not distracted by how handsome he is. 
Because the look on his face startles me. 

He’s
upset. 

With
me.

That
is apparent.  I stare into his dark eyes and he looks pointedly
away.  And he stays looking away.  He doesn’t glance back at
me.  My stomach sinks like a rock.

“Is
something wrong?” Quinn asks, as he stares down at me.  I shake my head.

“No. 
I mean, yes.  Maybe.”

He
stares at me again, his blonde eyebrows furrowed as he tries to figure me out.

“I’ll
be back, okay?”

He
nods and releases my hand and I scamper through the crowd to get to Gavin. But
when I reach the spot where he was, he isn’t there anymore. 

“Mia!”
I hear Reece call to me.  I gaze around and find her in the crowd and she
is gesturing wildly toward something behind me. I turn and see Gavin
disappearing into a hall.  I’m after him like a shot.

I
call out for him, but he doesn’t stop.

So,
I do the only thing I can think of to do.

I
chase him.

I
have no idea how he manages to stay so far ahead of me when I am running and he
is walking. It’s like something out of a bad horror movie. I just can’t seem to
catch up.  I trip along in my heels until I finally get smart enough to
take them off.  And then I trip along after him barefoot. 

But
finally, he takes pity on me

As
he reaches a door that opens to the outdoors, he turns.  He is tall and
lithe and handsome and he doesn’t want to be with me.  That much is
apparent.

“What
do you need, Mia?”  And he sounds weary. 

I’m
confused. 

“Why
are you running from me?”

He
smiles a small, tight smile. 

“I’m
not running.  I’m walking.  You’re short enough that you have to run
to keep up.”

“Details,”
I sniff.  “Why wouldn’t you stop?”

“Because
I don’t want to talk to you right now,” he answers simply.  And that
answer hurts.  Because out of everyone in my life, Gavin has always been
there for me.

“Why?”
I ask softly. 

“Because,”
he shrugs. “I don’t want to right now.”

“But
why?” I demand.  “You have to have a reason.”

“Because
I just realized something,” he says. And his voice is cool and his eyes are a
bit sad.  It makes me apprehensive and scared to ask.  But of course
I ask anyway. 

“What
did you realize?”

Gavin
is quiet as he stares at me.  And the serious and slightly sad expression
on his face scares me because I have never seen it before.

“What?”
I blurt out. “What is wrong with you?  What did you realize?”

Gavin
sighs. 

“I
realized that you have never looked at me like you were looking at Quinn just
now.  And you probably never will.”

And
then he turns around and walks into the night.

And
I am stunned. 

Because
I think he might be right.

Chapter
Nineteen

I
have no idea if he is right or wrong or what.  But it doesn’t matter.
Because the look on his face was so horribly sad that I just want to wipe it
away.

“Gavin,
please—wait!”

I
chase after him and tug on his arm. He doesn’t even look at me as he stops by
the pool.  He looks achingly handsome in the light of the moon.  The
water moves next to us in aquamarine ripples and I stare into his face.  I
find that I want to reach up and stroke his cheek or wrap my arms around his
shoulders or hug him tight. But I restrain myself.  

“Gavin,
I’m sorry.  I told you… I don’t know what I want.  How can I possibly
know that when I don’t even know who I am?”

I
can hear the desperation in my voice and so can he. 

His
face softens a bit in reaction.

“Gav,
I told you this on the boat the other day.  I
said
that I was
afraid to pursue this because I never want to lose you.  And you said that
it wouldn’t matter—that I would never lose you, no matter what.”

Now
his eyes are really soft as he looks down at me.

“So,
you don’t want to lose me… but you don’t know that you want me, either?”

My
heart hurts at his words. 

Like,
it literally hurts. 

“I
don’t know what to say, Gavin,” I tell him.  “I know that I love you in
some way.  I know that you are sexy as hell and you make me laugh and you
know me like no one else does.  I know that I love being with you—I love
laughing with you and swimming with you and kissing you.  But something seems
to be holding me back and I don’t know what it is.”

I’m
crying now.  I feel the tears streaking down my face and Gavin moves to
wipe them away.  I lean into his hand and he cups my cheek.

“Let
me know when you figure it out,” he says softly. 

And
then he leaves me by the pool. 

Alone.

I
am stunned. 

Gavin,
easy-going, always laughing, always ready Gavin, just left me alone because I
hurt him. 

And
I definitely didn’t mean to.

Yet
I did. 

And
now my heart seriously hurts. 

I
sink to my knees by the water and cry.  Anyone who ever thought I’m a bad
ass should see me right now, because I cry until my lungs hurt.  The ugly
kind of cry, too.  Not the pretty, delicate sniff-into-a-tissue cry. 
Oh, no.  I’m crying the dreaded gut-wrenching, mascara-ruining ugly
cry. 

And
I don’t care. 

I
don’t even care when I hear someone behind me. 

“I
need a minute,” I call out, sniffing into my hand.  I don’t have a tissue,
so I wipe my snotty nose on my hand.  Gross, but necessary.

“Are
you alright?”

Quinn’s
husky voice is quiet in the dark. 

I
freeze.  I know I look like some sort of monster with black-rimmed swollen
eyes and a runny nose.  But worse than that, I don’t want him to see me
this way—sad and broken.  Not when he thinks I’m some sort of
bad-ass.  And especially not when I’m crying because I don’t know what my
heart wants.  How pathetic is that??

“I’m
fine,” I tell him without lifting my head. 

There
is more rustling behind me.  And then I feel his hand on my back. It’s
warm and large and comforting. 

“You
don’t seem fine,” he says softly. 

“I’m
not,” I admit limply.  I look up now, knowing full well that he will see
me in all of my raccoon-eyed glory.  But he doesn’t even flinch. 
He’s just staring at me with the most concerned look. 

“What’s
wrong?” he asks simply.  “Can I help?”

I
swallow. 

“I
don’t know,” I tell him.  “Can you fix the holes in my memory so that I
know what I want?”

Quinn
stares at me.  He’s serious and calm and thoughtful as he tries to decide
what to say.  Finally, his lips move.  I know this because I’m
staring at them.

“No,
I can’t fix your memory,” he tells me as he scoots closer to me.  “But who
cares?  You don’t need your memory to figure out what you want.”

I
snort, then remember too late that my nose is gunky and runny.  I sound
like a snotted up pig.  I blush, but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“You
don’t,” he insists.  “You know who you are even if you don’t remember it.”

“That’s
what Reece said,” I mutter.  “But it’s easy to say when you’re not the one
who is clueless.”

“Oh,
I’m clueless,” he nods.  “Trust me.  Or you can just ask Reece. 
She can tell you.  I’m very, very clueless about many, many things.”

I
smile now, even through my snot. 

“Why
are you here?” I ask curiously. “How did you know I was out here?”

Quinn
shakes his head.  “It wasn’t hard.  When you ran out of the room
chasing Gavin, I didn’t think it was going to end well.”

I’m
still now.

The
night is cool against my skin and my heart beats hard against my ribs. It’s so
quiet out here that I can almost hear it.

“You
knew I was chasing Gavin?  And you still came after me?”

Quinn
nods slowly. 

“How
did you know that it wasn’t going to end well?”

Quinn
rocks back on his heels and he stares at the pool thoughtfully. 

“I
just knew.  Gut instinct.”

“So
you came after me.”

I’m
stunned by this.  What kind of boy would come after me when he knew that I
was chasing another guy?  Clearly, one who is self-confident.  And
Quinn is that.  And clearly, a boy who is caring and kind.  And Quinn
is that, too. 

But
still.

Holy
Whoa.  How amazing is he?

“Thank
you for not pressuring me,” I tell him randomly.  I feel so tired and
drained.  And I’m just so thankful for his presence.  So I tell him
that. 

He
smiles. 

“You’re
welcome.  And I’m not going to pressure you.  Do I think you’re cute
as hell and twice as sexy?  Yes.  I do.  Do I love your
sassy-ass sense of humor?   Yep.  That too. But I’m going to
wait until you realize that you like me, too.  I might be clueless about
many, many things, but even I know that I can’t make someone like me.  If
someone likes you, they’ll realize it.  And then it will be worth the
wait.”

“You
think I’m worth the wait?”

I’m
whispering now.  I don’t know why because we’re all alone in the
moonlight.  Quinn smiles his sexy lop-sided, knee-weakening grin. 

“Yes. 
I do.”

“You
seem so confident that my mixed up head is going to decide that you’re the one
for me.”  I state this calmly as if this conversation wasn’t insanely
ridiculous.  I’m sitting here with a gorgeous American cowboy discussing
the fact that I don’t know if I like him.  Is this even happening? 
Ohmygosh.

“Oh,
your mixed up head will definitely decide that,” Quinn answers with a
grin.  Then he winks.  “Because it’s the right choice.”

Then
he grabs my hand, completely ignoring the fact that I’ve been wiping my nose
with it.  He pulls me to my feet.

“Will
you dance with me?”

I
look at him uncertainly. 

“I
don’t really want to go back inside.  I’m a mess. And I don’t want to see
Gavin right now.”

“That’s
fine,” Quinn assures me.  “I meant right here. We can hear the music from
here.  And it’s sexier to dance under the stars, anyway.”

Quinn
McKeyen can’t get any sexier.  I decide that in this instant.  He
pulls me to his tuxedoed chest and I rest my cheek against his satin
lapel.  His strong arms close around me and we sway together in the light
of the moon.

My
heart pounds. 

He
is so, so sexy.

And
patient.

And
strong.

And
amazing.

I
sigh.

He’s
got quite a long list of good traits. 

I
melt into him and let him hold me.  And we dance, swaying together under
the twinkling stars.  We dance through the next several songs.  Then
we sit and chat by the pool. And then we dance some more. 

And
honestly, by the end of the evening, even in spite of the whole
crumbling-into-a-sobbing-heap thing, I can say it’s been the best benefit event
I ever remember attending at the Old Palace. 

I
know that doesn’t say a lot considering that my memory has holes in it.