He wanted her to stay because he did. That was reason enough.
But would she want to stay? She'd spent the last half dozen years or so traveling, obviously because she didn't choose to settle in one place. She might be more than ready to move on.
Besides, how could he suggest she stay on? Once Gracie returned, Megan's job would be gone. They didn't need two housekeepers. Colleen didn't need a paid companion and while Megan's riding skills had improved considerably, he could hardly offer her a job as a hand. So what was he going to say? Stay because we're good in bed together? Stay because I want you to?
"Damn." Kel muttered the curse under his breath.
He didn't want her to go but he didn't know how to ask her to stay.
* « *
''Word is, Kurt and Melissa Anderson are splitting up," Colleen said, sounding regretful.
"That's not much of a surprise." Kel reached for a second biscuit and pried it open before slathering it with butter. "Not when you consider the way they got married."
"You mean because Melissa got pregnant?"
Megan hadn't been paying much attention to the conversation until then but Colleen's comment brought her head up.
"Not the best way to start a marriage," Kel said, shrugging.
"Peggy Matheson thought she did it deliberately, to force Kurt to marry her," Colleen said, dabbing her fork in her mashed potatoes.
"If she did, she's probably regretting it now." That was Gun, reaching for the gravy bowl and pouring a generous amount over the thick slab of roast on his plate.
"I take it this was something of a shotgun mar-j riage?" Megan asked, surprised by how steady her] voice was. She even managed to sound mildly amused,; as if the idea of a shotgun wedding this late in tl twentieth century was a joke.
"Melissa's father would have made it one if Kui hadn't asked her to marry him," Kel said.
"You're kidding." Though he hadn't sounded as ]| he was kidding.
"No." He looked at her, one brow lifted in an ei pression of mild surprise. "Melissa is Dave's oi daughter, and he's pretty protective of her. And
Dave hadn't been around, she's got four brothers who'd make sure Kurt lived up to his responsibilities."
**Oh." Megan swallowed and looked at her plate.
Live up to his responsibilities? He'd sounded as if marriage had been a foregone conclusion, under the circumstances. Good lord, did that mean that Kel would feel the same if she really was carrying his baby? Would he feel obliged to marry her? The thou^t made her stomach knot with conflicting feelings. She loved him, of course she wanted to marry him, but not like that, not because he felt obligated to do so.
"Whatever the reason they got married, I think it's too bad that they're splitting up," Colleen said. "They seemed to love each other. Or at least, she loved him."
"Love isn't always enough," Kel said. "Especially not when it's one-sided."
"It's too bad there's a kid involved," Gun said, shaking his head. "They're always the ones that end up hurt the most when a family splits up."
"How old is he or she?" Megan asked, forcing the words past the limip in her throat.
"She must be five or so," Gun said, glancing at Kel for confirmation. Kel shrugged his lack of knowledge but Colleen nodded.
About the same age I was. She didn't realize she'd spoken the thought out loud until Colleen responded.
"You were five when your parents divorced? That must have been rough."
Annoyed with herself, Megan shrugged. "It wasn't as bad as it might have been. They weren't particularly happy together and they weren't the sort to suf-
fer in silence." Her smile was ironic rather than bitt^. She'd long since let go of that particular hurt.
**I thought you said your grandparents raised you," Kel said, his eyes curious. ''I assumed your parents were dead."
"No. My mother got stuck with me after the divorce but when she decided to remarry a couple of years later, she deposited me with her parents. I haven't seen her since."
"How awful," Colleen exclaimed. Her green eyes flashed with anger on Megan's behalf. "How could she just leave you like that?"
"Apparently, it wasn't too difficult." Megan smiled to show that the scars of abandonment were long healed over. "She wasn't suited to being a mother. I can't say I felt any terrible regret at seeing the last of her."
"You were lucky you had your grandparents," Kel said slowly.
"Yes." She didn't elaborate. In a sense she had been lucky. At least she'd been fed and clodied. It was more than some children had. "From the sound of it, your friends' child won't have to worry about nobody wanting her," she said, turning the subject away from herself.
"No," Gun said. "Melissa and Kurt may not make it as a couple but they love that kid. If s probably what kept them together this long."
Megan was relieved when the conversation moved on to other topics. She didn't want to talk about her own childhood any more than she wanted to talk about the unknown Kurt and Melissa's impending
separation. She nibbled at her food, her appetite gone. Her mind was spinning with this new insight into how Kd might react to finding out he was about to become a father.
Kel ran his hand through Megan's hair, enjoying the cool feel of it sifting through his fingers. She lay pressed along his side, molded to him from shoulder to hip, one leg nestled intimately between his, one hand splayed across his chest.
He liked the feel of her lying there, liked the feel of her in his bed. If she left, he*d miss these quiet moments as much as he missed the lovemaking that preceded them. He thought again of Gracie's letter lying downstairs on his desk. She'd be home next week.
He had to talk to Megan about what was going to happen when Gracie returned, about the possibility of staying on for a while. Maybe she could do some secretarial work for him. She must have worked in an office at some point, she seemed to have worked just about everywhere else. Or she could just stay on as a friend. Colleen had come to care about her and he... Well, he couldn't put a description to how he felt, but he didn't want her to go.
Megan threaded her fingers through the mat of dark hair on Kel's chest and tried not to wonder how many more nights she'd have like this one. She felt as if she'd been living in a dreamworld for the past three months, as if this summer had been a time apart from reaUty. But summer was coming to an end and reality lay just around the comer.
Or maybe it lay beneath her heart.
Somewhere deep inside, she knew that she was carrying KeFs child. She didn't need to see a little plastic stick turn pink or get a doctor's confirmation. She could sense a change in her body, a subtle shifting to accommodate the new life growing inside.
She had to make some decisions and she had to make them soon.
Kel let his hand drift down Meg's back, tracing the curve of her spine with one fingertip, feeling her shiver of response. After all these weeks, he was still surprised by how much he wanted her. It was a hunger that couldn't be appeased. It seemed to be the same for her.
Her hand shifted downward, her fingers brushing across his stirring arousal in a light, teasing caress that stole his breath. Kel brought his hand up, winding his fingers in his hair and tilting her head. He caught the glitter of her eyes in the moonlight and then his mouth closed over hers.
Tomorrow would be soon enough to make decisions, he thought. He'd talk with her tomorrow. For tonight, it was enough that she felt so incredibly right in his bed, in his arms.
Megan gave herself up to the hunger of Kel's mouth, arching her body to press herself against him as he leaned over her.
Tomorrow, she told herself. Tomorrow would be soon enough to make decisions. Tonight, she'd think of nothing but Kel and how right this felt.
Megan stuck her head around the edge of the door and looked at Kel. ''You wanted to see me?"
**Come in." Kel stood up from behind the desk, disgusted to find himself as nervous as a kid about to go before the principal. **Shut the door."
Megan's brows arched. "Sounds ominous. Did I put too much salt in the stew last night?"
**The stew was fine." He forced a smile as he came around to sit on the comer of the desk. "I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. Have a seat."
Megan sank into the big leather chair in front of the desk and looked at him. He looked at her for a moment and then looked away. Whatever he had to say, he seemed to be having trouble finding the words he wanted.
She felt her stomach tighten uneasily. Kel was hardly the stereotype of the strong, silent cowboy. She'd never seen him at a loss for words before and she couldn't imagine why it should happen now. Unless he thought she was going to be upset by what he had to say.
**I got another letter from Gracie," he said abruptly. **She's coming home next week."
The knot in her stomach tightened painfully but Megan didn't let her expression so much as flicker. It wasn't as if it was a surprise. She'd known this was coming, known it would be soon.
**That's great," she said brightly. "Her daughter must be doing much better."
**I guess so." Kel was thrown off-balance by her quick enthusiasm. Didn't she realize what this meant? "You've.. .done a terrific job," he said, thinking how stupid the words sounded, even as he spoke. Next he was going to be offering her a bonus, for God's sake.
**I told you I'd make a good housekeeper," she said, leminding him of his initial rductance to hire her.
"You WCTe right." Was it his imagination or was her smile just a little too bright aroimd the edges? As if, perhaps, she didn't want to leave? "Grade's besa gone a little longer than we expected," he said slowly.
"I know. I didn't expect the job to last as long as it has."
Kel's fingers tightened over the letter opener he'd been toying with. Did that mean that she was sorry it had lasted this long? Was she anxious to leave? Since she'd moved around so much, it was reasonable to assume that she felt the lure of new places, new people. What made him think she'd be interested in staying in one spot, especially when he wasn't offering any promises?
"I guess you're anxious to get on to the next place," he said slowly, watching her face for some sign of regret.
"Sure." Megan's face felt frozen and stiff but she forced a smile. "Always a new adventure."
"Must be fun."
"Oh, yes." She felt as if she was slowly bleeding to death inside.
"I suppose sticking in one place would seem pretty dull to you," he said, probing for some sign that she'd stay if he asked her, for some hint that she didn't want to go.
"Hmm." He could interpret that as agreement if he liked. She was afraid to open her mouth for fear she'd beg him to let her stay.
"M^an, I—" Whatever he'd been about to say was lost in the shrill ring of the phone. He hesitated, not wanting to interrupt his conversation with Megan.
''Go ahead and answo: it/' she said, apparently not sharing his desire to continue the discussion. ''I have things to do." The phone rang again as she stood up.
"There are things we need to talk about," Kel said, feeling as if he was watching her sUp through his fingers.
"It doesn't have to be this minute," she said lightly. "I'll be here another week."
She was akeady on her way to the door, and the phone shrilled a third time. Muttering a curse, Kel reached for it as she went out the door. She was right. He had another week.
M^an made her way up the stairs, feeling her knees threaten to buckle with each stq>. But they supported her long enough for her to reach her room. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, closing her eyes.
She'd known this was coming, of course. It wasn't as if the news that Grace Cavoiaugh was returning was unexpected. She had, as Kel said, been gone longer than she'd intended as it was. But apparently expecting something was not enough to take away the pain of dealing with it when it happened.
Vm pregnant. Two little words was all she had to say and there'd be no question of her leaving. K&l would live up to his responsibilities the same way his friend Kurt had done. He'd want to marry her and she might be weak enough to give in to the temptation.
They'd get married. And a few years from now, people would be discussing the breakup of their marriage, the same way they'd discussed Kurt and Melissa Anderson's a couple of nights ago. And there'd be another child caught up in the middle of a divorce, the same way she had been.
Not that it would be the same, because her child would certainly never be less than wanted. But even under the best of circumstances, a divorce was difficult for all involved, especially a child. And what about her feelings? Could she stand to live with Kel, knowing he'd only married her because she was pregnant, knowing he didn't love her?
But he might come to love you.
Megan's soft laugh held an edge of hysteria. When would she ever learn? She'd spent years thinking that her grandparents would come to love her. If only she was a good girl and didn't make them angry, they'd love her eventually. All those years of being a good little girl hadn't been enough. And being a good little wife to Kel wouldn't be enough, either.
She pushed herself away from the door and went to the closet. Pulling her suitcase off the top shelf, she set it on the bed and opened it, the sound of the zipper harsh in the quiet room.
She wasn't going to let herself fall into that pattern again. She'd spent years trying to please other people, trying to make herself into someone they could love. And if she'd learned nothing else from those years, it was that you couldn't make yourself lovable to another person. They either loved you or they didn't.
If she stayed, if she told Kel about the baby, he would marry her. And she'd find herself falling into the old patterns, smiling when she didn't want to smile, pretending to be happy when she wasn't. And eventually, she'd end up hating herself and maybe hating Kel a little, too, because he couldn't love her the way she needed to be loved. They both deserved better than that. And even more important, their child deserved better.