he went home and stared at his reflection in the little wall
mirror he used for shaving. He looked younger than he felt, and the two-day
stubble on his chin gave him an uncivilized air.
He shaved.
He washed. He put on clean clothes. Mina was coming. He had to be ready. There
was work to do.
Days passed,
but his belief did not waver. Mina had a choice, even now. Though Jonathan
hinted that her blood was still tainted
by Dracula's, her will was
strong. She would come.
And so he
was neither disappointed nor surprised to see her standing at the end of his
walk one evening, the brilliant setting sun
painting golden highlights in
her hair. He threw open the door and went outside, taking her hand, staring
into her eyes.
"It
isn't over," she said. "Do you feel it too?"
"I
thought I was just an old man who had to have an enemy if he wished to
survive," he said. "You were always the perceptive
one. You saw the truth."
He turned and went inside, noting carefully how she followed him without any
need of invitation.
May 6, Bukovina.
When I saw the inside of
Van Helsing’s house, I had the urge to
cry, Mina wrote.
Van Helsing, who has always
been scrupulously neat about himself and his work, now lives surrounded by
filth. There were dust balls in the corners, dishes on the sideboard caked
with moldy food. The few books he possessed were stacked on the single
bookshelf, many with their spines turned inward. Saddest of all was the fact
that, in spite of the mess, his bed was made and the table in the center of
the room was clear and washed. He had known I was coming and prepared. What
would the place have looked like if he'd had no warning of my visit?
I sat at the table. He sat across from me. I was
afraid that he would touch me. Aware of the dangers I would ask him to face, I
felt terribly guilty and I took his hands. As I did, I looked at his face and
saw, in his eyes, the same concern I had seen in Brother Sandor's as he had
spoken to me.
"Whatever still
lives at Castle Dracula will not rest until we go there," I told the
professor. "Jonathan feels it too. I
know he does, but he has
his work to keep his mind off the compulsion. I have nothing. "
Nothing but Gance, I
thought, and he gave respite for only a little while. "I am the life the
creatures crave. I am the one
who can appease their
hunger, and I can never rest until I face them again. "
"If you knew all
this, why didn't you write me? I would have come. I would have translated the
journal, and tragedy
would not have been
necessary,” he said.
"I held Lucy's death against you. I still do, but I understand
that need to protect. I have done the same with Jonathan. "
"You are a strong
woman," Van Helsing said.
I heard the caution in
his voice, as if even my admission of past anger frightened him. "And Lucy
was not, is that what
you are telling me?"
There were tears in his
eyes as he began to answer. "Yes, Madam Mina, Lucy was not. I would not go
with her to the
Borgo Pass, not once but
twice. I would not place my life in her hands as I do in yours. As for Lucy, I
have prayed
.
for her
soul, and for mine for
what I did to her. It is all I can do.” He began to cry openly.
I kissed his hands, and
then, because it seemed so right, I embraced him as a daughter would a father.
We held on to one
another until we were
both in control once more.
"If we are to go
tomorrow, I must prepare," he said. "There is a priest here in Varna
who will bless hosts and water for
me. It is best that this
be done tonight."
Holy water! What good
would water do in the face of a need for blood? "They are no use to
us," I said. "Leave them."
"What will we use if not those?" he asked simply. "Nothing,”
I said. "We will go armed with faith."
"Madam Mina! It is
suicide." I shook my head. "There are things you must know before we
leave."
We talked the rest of
the day. When I had finished, he asked simply, "You do not need me. Why
did you come for me?"
I answered with the
truth. "I was afraid to go alone ... No, not that my resolve would falter
but that someone would stop
me before I reached the
castle."
"Madam
Mina," Van Helsing replied gravely. "I will take you there, and this
time I will trust your judgment.” There was nothing more to say. While Van
Helsing made coffee, I read the final pages of the countess's translation,
thinking of Gance and what he had done out of love for me.
My hope that Gance has somehow survived the
meeting grows stronger. His wealth and the force of his personality would be a
great temptation to the countess Karina. And if what I read is true, she and
the others are still there waiting for me-my sister-kin.
I slept that night on a
stack of cushions in the corner of his room. He was old, and from what I could
see, far from well. I
would not let him give
up his bed for me.
In the morning, we spoke
again and consulted Karina's translation. How odd it feels to write her name.
It seems an act
of intimacy, as if we
are old friends. By noon we were ready to leave.
The journey has been so
different from the lust. We are on horseback rather than in a wagon. Though we
brought heavy
coats to keep out the
nighttime chill, there is no need for furs or boots.
And the land is so green
!
Last winter when
everything was dead and shrouded with snow, I would not have imagined such
fantasy shades in needled and leafed trees, such beautiful little flowers in
white and blue and bright russet covering the meadows around us.
Van
Helsing says that the summer is so short that everything must bloom quickly.
And die just as fast, I thought, while around us the mountains stand as a
testament to time. I did not dare to tempt my resolve by thinking of parallels
then. I see them only now as I sit in Bukovina, setting down this brief
account while I eat my meal alone in the same inn where Gance stayed only days
before.
Van Helsing, it seems, has friends here. I left
him to his conversation because I do not speak the language and he was too
polite to let me sit with him without translating. Before I went, I asked one
question through Van Helsing. Gance looked well, I was told.
May 7.
We are in sight of the
castle and have stopped for one final meal before going on. We are in no rush.
The
creatures we have come to face awaken at dusk, and we wish to be
rested. The walls, outlined by the setting sun, are black and sharp, the rocky
cliffs
around them treeless, flowerless, forboding. Van Helsing says it
was this way before. I cannot remember. Last time I came here, I was possessed
by the vampire. Now, though I am called back, I feel freer, as if the burdens
of my past have been lifted from me.
Do I have a choice?
Dracula said I do, but it is here that I must make it.
I paused, to stare out
at the land and to let the ink on this page dry for a moment, then I looked
down at my writing, so
stiff, as if forced from my hand. I promised Winnie that I would
let her know the outcome of this struggle-this final struggle--and I will set
every detail of it down. I have all the money that Gance left for me. If I die
and wake in their life, I vow to see that this journal is sent to her. And,
Winnie dear, if it comes to that, see that Jonathan reads it. Even after all that
has happened, I love him too much to leave him forever wondering at my end.
These seem such terrible
words, yet they are not. I feel no despair, only acceptance for whatever will
come. In this state
of calm, the meditative state that Brother Sandor had taught me
was easy to achieve, I felt the grace of God move through me as potent as
blood.
May 8.
The struggle has
passed. The beautiful night has come again.
I have never felt such
peace.
We had just finished
last evening's meal and were packing up our belongings when we saw the wolves
moving silently up
the winding road to the castle. They might have been coming to
stop us, more likely to hurry us on. Nonetheless, Van Helsing helped me onto
one of the horses. "Go up, Madam Mina,” he cried. I rode furiously. At
the next turn, I saw him following me, his pistol drawn. There were so many
beasts chasing him that I knew he would die if he paused to make a stand.
As my horse thundered
into the courtyard, I heard Van Helsing following behind. I dismounted then
paused, unwilling to
go into the castle without him. As I stood outside, uncertain of
what to do, the gates of the outer walls, huge slabs of rusted metal, began to
close. A second groaning merged with their sound. The castle doors were also
swinging shut.
"No!"
I screamed. I would not be stopped, not after coming so far. As Van Helsing
thundered through the outer gates, I ran inside. The great doors slammed
behind me. Van Helsing was a prisoner outside, for what reason I did not know,
and I stood trapped in the castle alone.
The
great hall was dark, reeking, silent. As I stood, not certain where to go or
how to light my way, the torches of the room flared of their own accord. Rats
that had been gnawing at the carcass of a dead horse looked up at me; then, as
if sensing I was no threat to them, they returned to their feast.
I heard Van Helsing screaming my name. I went to
the door and called to him, saying that I was all right. Though he pushed and
I pulled, the doors would not move. I had not expected them to open. Whatever
waited for me here wanted me alone.
I heard a steady, distant beating from some lace
far
above me. "Gance?" I screamed. The pounding stopped. I
called his name again and climbed the stairs to the second floor, following
the noise to a winding tower staircase, u rising black tunnel with crumbling
walls. My pace slowed as, with my skirts in one hand, my other hand pressed
tightly against the wall, I began a slow climb. As I did, torches flared
around me as they had in the hall below. I was meant to come this way, and
quickly.
Faith, I reminded
myself. Accept.
I went on, and with each
step the rightness of what I did became more clear. Outside the barred door at
the top of the
tower, I called to Gance
once more.
"Mina
!
Is it truly you or some other trick of these
creatures?"
"I've come. One moment, Gance."
I paused, my mind moving inward, silencing the
turmoil of my hopes, the distraction of my fear. I performed the simple exercise
as Brother Sandor had taught me. With my mind fixed only on God, I said a
simple prayer of rebirth and renewal, slid back the bar and opened the door.
A pair of candles on the
table gave the only light to the room. I saw no sign of fire on the hearth, no
food or drink.
Gance seemed paler than I remembered him, and his eyes glowed red
as he looked into the more brightly lit hall. I shuddered and reminded myself
that his eyes had caught the light in this way the first night we met.
His
expression was another matter. There was an intensity to it that I had never
seen in Gance save in the midst of my first seduction or at the height of
passion. Now, with his hand resting on the table for support, he seemed less
ready for either than for collapse.
"Gance!" I
cried and moved toward him.
For an instant, his
expression changed to one trapped, desperate and a little mad-an expression I
would have expected
from him or any mortal
under the circumstances. "You came,” he said. "I knew you would.
"
His voice was his own yet not his own. The
inflections were wrong. The way he looked at me seemed too full of need. I understood,
even before he spoke, with such cold and terrible passion. "This body must
kill if it is to serve me. Mina, dearest, come willingly to me."
"Dracula."
He nodded. "And
Gance," he said. "His memories are my memories, his will mine to
control. I need only you to make my
possession of this body
complete."
"Will I live or
die?" I asked.
"That is your
choice," he replied and held out his hand. I went to him eagerly, kissing
him, kissing Gance, accepting all
the passion of my
nature. His lips moved to the side of my face, brushing my cheek, my neck.
I held him close as he
bit, marveled at how even now the act of giving myself to him could create such
pleasure. For that
moment, I did not care
if I lived or died.
Then the arms holding me
fell slack, the teeth withdrew from the wound, and a shriek, more desperate
than any I had
ever heard, came from
deep within him. As he fell, a whirlwind seemed to fill the room, reminding me
of the storm that