"You're dumb."
"And you're dumber, but I love you anyway, little sister. You know that. I only want the best for you, and I think the only way that's going to happen is if you make a choice based on what you want in the future, not just what you're trying to escape from your past. You'll be ready for anything once you figure out what that is. And you'll be happy again. I
promise
you. You'll be happy again."
Nicole nodded before lifting Preston up and walking towards the swing set. Deep down she had to believe Jackie was right. She would know happiness again. First things first, though. She had to make a choice.
What do you want? You're already holding on, even now.
Are you ready to let go this time? Truly?
***
Gabriel spun his phone in his hands, contemplating why he was spending so much mental energy on whether he should or should not send a text to Nicole. He was light-years away from anything that evoked her memory. He was in Ireland, cooling off at a loud and rowdy pub after playing a gig on the first leg of their headlining tour, and even though there was a cute blond with a sexy foreign lilt chatting him up, his mind was still on her. It was for good reason, of course. It was after midnight here, but on the east coast she was probably sound asleep, and when she woke up in a few hours she would greet her first day as a twenty-five year old. Meanwhile, he'd be napping on the tour bus on the way to the next show.
It was probably silly to even think about it, let alone bother to actually text her. More of a painful truce than a cordial meeting had commenced at Jackie's wedding. Yet, here he was wondering if he should wish her a happy birthday, if he should text or actually call, or if he should avoid it all together. Preston was his godson, and his birthday was within days of hers. Wouldn't it be weird to say happy birthday to Preston and completely ignore his aunt? Maybe he should just leave the message with Jackie and save them both a lot of awkwardness and misunderstandings.
Honestly, he had bigger and better things to think about. The band was headlining their first international tour, playing all over the US, in Canada, Europe and Australia before heading back home. He was already crafting new material for when they returned to the studio in November. Meanwhile, their new album was in stores and already exceeding expectations. Their videos were circulating and dominating YouTube, and Q and Johnny were keeping the fans involved with blog updates and webisodes on their site.
It was real. Maybe a year ago they could have claimed it was a fluke, but now things had taken off to new heights. It might not last forever, but it wasn't going away tomorrow, either.
Yet, here he was, mulling over ex-girlfriend etiquette because, in spite of everything, he still cared for this girl just like he cared for her family.
Be a bigger punk, Gabe. Really, let's see if we can take this idiocy all the way to the top.
He sighed, and even murmured under his breath, until his reverie was interrupted by soft lips pressed to his ear.
"Am I not holdin' your interest, then?"
He cast a sidelong glance at the girl he'd been having a one-sided conversation with. He hopped right over the truth and tried to save face. "No, it's not that..."
"Caitlin," she offered him politely, knowing full well he might not remember her name. Her smile said she didn't seem to mind. This one was a pro. Cute too, with sharp features and a light smattering of freckles on the bridge of her nose. Her black halter and short jean skirt over a soft, curvy frame were just what the doctor ordered. If he could stop thinking about whether he should hint to Nicole that he still cared, that was.
"It's not that, Caitlin. Just got a lot on my mind," he said. He grinned at the way she downed the last of her pint and then licked the froth from her rosy lips.
"Well," she began with a smile that was easy enough to decipher. "I can think of a few ways to get your attention, love. Maybe even ease that brilliant, talented mind of yours," she cooed in his ear. "D'ya wanna get out of here?"
He licked his lips, his body light years ahead of his mind in terms of reading her signals. She’d be a decent distraction, one that just wanted to get off on banging a famous rock star. She seemed like she was used to this game and enjoyed it.
"Sure," he said before downing his own pint, slamming it on the bar, and then waving bye to Nuke.
Nuke waved and went back to whispering in his girlfriend Kirsten's ear, a girl Nuke had met in that bar months back on the night Gabriel almost got into a fight with Jonny. Kirsten's purple streaked head spun in Gabriel's direction and she waved to him.
Across the pub were Trish and Chase. She would be with him until their tour of the UK was over and then she would head back to the States. Jonny and Q were the center of attention in a ring of girls, honing in on who they would be spending the night with. The image of the couples together — however brief some of the coupling would be — and of the guys all happy and carefree hit him in the gut. But it was a familiar punch. It was something he accepted and knew he would find a way to get used to. He didn't have a choice. So, he pushed away thoughts of Travis and Nicole sharing the same happiness as his coupled-up band mates, and slipped outside to find out just how friendly his Irish lass could be on his tour bus.
As it turned out she was very friendly. Hardly the best he'd ever had, but enough to take his mind off things for an hour or two. He lay in his compartment in their upgraded tour bus, watching her pull her halter back up and sweep her blond curls away from her neck. She blew him a kiss over her shoulder and gave him a wink before finding her own way out.
As soon as she was gone, though, it was like she'd never been there at all. He was getting used to that too. The gap between thoughts of the past and the welcome oblivion of distractions was getting shorter and shorter, and in the end he was still left with his rampant thoughts. He found his boxer briefs, pulled them on and propped himself up in bed knowing the guys would start filing in soon at varying times to start the trip to their next show. They would have found other places to hook up, knowing that Gabe was the first to leave thereby claiming the bus for his conquest. Until they got back, he'd be alone with his thoughts. Just like before, he found himself twirling his phone in his hands, wondering if Nicole was sleeping tucked into Travis' arms the way he she used to lay in his.
It was this simple thought that made the decision for him in the end. He might be many things, but he wasn't a coward, not anymore. And if sleeping with Nicole wasn't enough to tear apart her relationship, then a cordial happy birthday would be harmless and the right thing to do. He couldn't pretend she didn't exist, and he couldn't pretend she wasn't related to people that were like family to him. It had been like that even before they'd hooked up. It shouldn't change now.
He tapped out the simple words,
Happy Birthday, Nicole
. Then lay down his phone and turned on his side. He knew he wouldn't hear anything from her, if at all, for hours to come.
Then he felt his phone vibrate. He blinked in shock, then turned over, slid his finger across it and read:
Thank you, Gabriel! Really appreciate it. I hope you're doing well.
He had to smile. He’d been so sure about how his message would be received, but he was wrong. He didn't know anything. Just when he thought he had it all figured out, that he knew the score and the time-line of things, she surprised him. He wondered why she was up. He wondered if she smiled when she looked at her phone and realized he was thinking of her, despite being thousands of miles away. Despite everything.
I am. Enjoy your day, sweetheart.
He stared at the words he'd drafted for a long moment, thinking about her smile. Then with a slight frown he deleted the word “sweetheart,” sent his message, and drowned out fantasies of being there to tell her in person.
Chapter Twenty-One
A three-week break before the US portion of the tour was halfway through when Gabriel found out a very interesting piece of information. He was trying his best to be nonchalant about it, but inside he was spiraling.
The guys, Trish, and Kirsten, were sitting in their favorite diner, grabbing a bite to eat before going out that night. They were talking about where they should have their send-off next week before they headed back out on the road, and who was going to be there, when the subject of Jackie, Ian, and Nicole came up. A simple question of how they were doing was met with the news that Nicole had broken up with Travis after all.
"So..." he asked, trying to keep his voice even, "when did this happen?"
Trish shrugged and grabbed one of Chase's curly fries before meeting Gabriel's eyes. "Sometime while we were in Europe. Things had been shaky between those two for months before that — she never told me why, even though I asked, like, a million times — and then 'poof!’, the end. Nicole's moved out and lives with Jackie and Ian now. She's working on finding a new place. Just trying to get back on her feet."
He didn't dare ask how the break-up had happened. But from the X-ray level glances he was getting from the guys and Trish, he could tell they were waiting for him to ask more about it. Maybe they were wondering if he had something to do with it. Even Kirsten — the relative new girl to the gang — was privy to the side effects of Gabriel's relationship with Nicole. But now that she was single... maybe they were thinking what he was thinking.
Maybe...
Gabriel literally shook his head and then gulped his soda to relieve his suddenly dry mouth. They could think what they wanted, but he and Chase knew the truth. Things had been shaky in her relationship with Travis and had probably ended for the same reason. So, there was no reason to get excited. This wasn’t a victory or an opportunity. This was just another way he'd hurt her and messed things up for her.
"Bummer. Hope she's doing okay," was his only response.
It wasn't exactly what they all expected to hear, and he knew it. But what else could he say? News of her breakup didn't just change years’ worth of mistakes. It didn't change that he was going back on the road, and he wasn't sure where he'd be a year from now.
Nope, he knew exactly where he stood with her. So, it was time to move his train of thought and this conversation on to something else. Thankfully, Trish picked up on that vibe and changed the track for them.
"At least she's saving money now instead of renting a place," Trish said. "Kinda jealous of her actually for saving all that money. I'm getting sick of renting."
Chase tilted his head back and stared heavenward before looking down, grabbing his burger, and taking a huge bite. Apparently, this was a conversation they'd had before. Judging by Trish's steady stare and lifted eyebrow, which Chase met with his own quiet, brooding glare, they were at a stalemate concerning the issue of taking things to the next level.
"I'm thinking about getting a different apartment, a bigger one," Nuke said. "Or, like, a house."
"Say what, homie?" Jonny quipped.
Q nodded his head in Jonny's direction and threw out a, "What he said," for good measure.
"What's wrong with a house?" Gabriel asked.
"Like, in the suburbs?" Jonny asked, scoffed at Gabe, then turned his attention back to Nuke. "Are you going to get a sensible car and life insurance, too?"
"Are you gonna make me drive over you when I get the sensible car?" Nuke asked with a tilt of his head.
"Touché," Jonny said with an effeminate sniff that made the rest of them laugh.
"What? There's nothing wrong with a house," Nuke argued. His girlfriend's smile wasn't lost on Gabriel, or the idea they may have already talked about moving in together. Nuke was in love. It was plain for anyone to see. "Or sensible cars or, you know, making room for a family..."
You gotta be fucking kidding me...
Gabe could feel the smile spreading his lips to match his mental exclamation.
"Like me and Kirsten, for example," Nuke continued, his grin spreading from ear to ear. "We just found out today that a house and more sensible car might be a good thing since...”
Silence.
"...we're gonna have a baby soon..."
Shock.
"We just confirmed it this morning," Kirsten added, nervously sliding her fingers through her purple streaked hair, though her grin was effortlessly huge and pretty. "We're about five weeks along."
"You fucking kidding me right now?" Strangely enough, Chase beat a wide-mouthed Q to the punch with that question and suffered Trish’s jab to his overfull midsection because of it. "What? I meant that in a good way. Like, 'are you fucking serious, oh my God, you're having a baby, that’s amazing’. Mazel Tov." The monotone sarcasm earned him another jab and what he'd affectionately dubbed “the cute Korean deadly dagger look” from Trish. For a man of few words, he had a knack for giving things appropriate monikers.
Nuke said with a chuckle, "Yeah, we're totally serious. And ecstatic. I'm gonna have a little drummer boy."
"Or girl," Kirsten countered before kissing him sweetly.
"He. She. I'm down for whatever. As long as he/she is healthy. And plays the drums..."
Glances passed around like ping pong balls from one face to the next. But Nuke and Kirsten only seemed to have eyes for each other. There wasn't any fear to be seen on either of their faces, just nervous excitement, and that crazily elusive thing called love. Gabe could see it in them, and seconds later the entire table was in an uproar of congratulations, cheers, and jokes about Kirsten having to take care of two babies instead of one because Nuke was a large child himself.
Time was passing again, tripping him up with its steady deceptive trek towards the future. Preston was two, Nicole was twenty-five. His other best friend since college and band mate was going to have a kid of his own, though marriage was probably out of the question. Given Nuke's own history with having a revolving door of stepmoms, he was as likely to find marriage a sacred institution as Gabriel. Chase, Jonny and Q would probably get married before him, even though Nuke was the consummate sensitive romantic by comparison. He could understand the sentiment considering his own parents’ lackluster bond.
And of course swirling around in his peripheral thoughts was the image of Nicole Langley. Single. She'd been single when he sent her that text. Lying awake that night, across the world, she'd been just as alone as him. The thought gave him no satisfaction, and he refused to entertain it for long. It was just a strange revelation, nothing more.
Somehow, after all the stops and starts and reasons why they couldn't be together, in the end they were standing in the same place in life. Alone, doing what they loved for a living, surrounded by family and friends, and yet in many ways still standing still. Maybe it was just his imagination cultivating some commonality with her, but he couldn't help it. It used to be she was traveling down a path he'd already been down, that they were just parallel lines with him slightly in the lead on life. This seemed different. This time it seemed like they were standing on the same plateau.
And they were in the same city again. For another week and a half at least...
***
Jackie was singing the Black Eyed Peas “I Got A Feeling” as she came down the stairs and danced into the living room.
"Ugh." Nicole groaned and braced herself.
She couldn't stand that song. And she wasn't sure if it was the actual tune, or the night of mandatory fun that would follow, because Jackie was now determined to make the lyrics prophetic. Nicole was sitting on the couch with Ian and Preston, watching TV while she took a break from the chapter she was working on.
"Don't just sit there looking crazy, people. You, go shower and wear that new cologne I bought you," she ordered Ian with a wink. Again Nicole groaned, knowing tonight she was probably going to be listening to music with ear buds stuffed down her ear canal to escape the muffled sounds of those two getting it on. "And you, go change out of your spinster uniform and do something with your hair. We're going out."
"When are we supposed to be heading out?" Ian asked.
"Why didn't you warn me, or something?" Nicole chastised, standing on shaky legs.
"I'm warning you now, so we can be ready to leave in about two hours tops," Jackie said and started packing away the dinner she was going to cook before their plans changed. "And baby, I already called Grace, so she'll be able to watch Preston. I threw in an extra ten bucks for giving her such short notice."
"Ten extra dollars?" Ian said, craning his head so he could look at his wife over the back of the couch. "For what?! Is she gonna teach him how to read while we're out?"
"For her agreeing to cancel her Friday night out with her friends, maybe? I'm all about supporting enterprising young females."
"Baby, you gotta stop letting that twelve year old hustle us out our hard earned money. You already bought half her girl scout cookies."
"Yeah, and you ate most of them, so shut the hell up."
"You know," Nicole offered, "I could always just watch him for you, and you two could have a date night or something."
"Nah, you're coming out too," Jackie replied. "It's a special occasion. A little send off for the guys before they hit the road again."
The guys?
"Yeah." Jackie replied, because apparently she hadn't just thought that question, she'd said it aloud. "The band is headed to Atlanta next, so he's not gonna be back in town until November or December, something like that. This is our chance to say goodbye and wish him and the guys good luck and a safe trip."
She didn't have any words but her mind was zooming a mile a minute. Thoughts of Gabriel had been there. They always were and probably always would be. And she'd known that he was in the middle of a tour. Trish had told her about it, and about Nuke and Kirsten expecting a child. She'd called him to congratulate them, thankfully sidestepping the issue of Gabriel. Yet somehow, the idea of being in the same room with him again had seemed a distant dream.
Of course, it was silly. He was Ian and Jackie's good friend, his best man at the wedding. Ian, Jackie and Nuke had gone to college with him. The idea of them never seeing each other again should never have crossed her mind, and yet it had. She was entrenched in the world of hiding. She was becoming used to being this girl who’d given up on love, or on ever having a civil word to share with Gabriel in person. It was like fucking Groundhog Day. She kept thinking it was something she could hide from, and life kept saying, "Wrong again, bitch! Get back in the ring!"
Damn near half a year... by the time he gets back it will be another year gone. Another year that we haven't been together.
"I don't know if I'm up for that, Jackie..."
Her sister opened her mouth to say something, then looked down and saw the faint tremor in Nicole's hand and her mouth closed. Judgment was easy enough to come by when it came to the older Langley girl, but not tonight. Tonight she was silent and still. Then she nodded and turned away.
"Okay. It's up to you, Nikki. Just know that you’re invited. Everybody would love to see you there."
She couldn't deny there was disappointment in those simple words. And her stomach churned with nervousness. Staying or going — either way — seemed like a mistake.
The past came hurtling at her. Jackie's words that started her down the path of reuniting with Gabriel. The way she'd clung to Travis' unconditional love and acceptance. The way she'd tortured herself with Meredith and Gabriel's torrid past and Gabriel's past loves in general. Even the way she felt about Gabriel in the beginning came back to her. So much had changed. That girl was this woman now, but still something remained.
Fear. Fear of truly speaking her mind, of revealing how she felt. Fear of wanting something she didn't think she deserved. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being good enough for her life.
And now, fear of seeing the man who’d awakened her to that fundamental fact about herself.
She'd been motivated by fear for so long that she didn't know what she was afraid of anymore. And underneath the fear was the truth she was trying to hide.
She wanted to see him.
There would never be a day in this life when she didn't want to see him despite all that had happened. She was sure that saying goodbye to him would be the theme of their relationship, but she still couldn't help but hope and remember the good She couldn't help but wish him the best and want him to know that she did think of him. The thought that he might want her there made her heart beat faster, and so did recalling the birthday text he sent her. She smiled faintly remembering how she'd stared at that message for what seemed like forever. She'd tossed and turned all that night thinking of him. The sound of his voice speaking those words had lulled her into sleep. She missed him so much it was insane.
Distance and time hadn't erased the cruel things he'd said, or the things he'd done that had hurt her, but there was perspective. There was equilibrium with that new perspective, and understanding of her own faults. She'd made plenty of mistakes too, despite her righteous indignation and argument to the contrary that night at the reception.